FROM THE GUT: What Do I Know?
Gutfeld, Greg
FROM THE GUT What Do I Know? by Greg Gutfeld T HEY TELL YOU TO WRITE what you know. And officially, I now know nothing. This is what happens, I imagine, to anyone who ends up...
...Better that we consider a fantasy war between humans and our planet than a real war between civilizations...
...I’ve said it before: Hitler was an adorable baby...
...Ugly people are generally bad people (you can see this manifest itself in the correlation between bitter anger and homeliness in the likes of Al Franken and Charles Manson...
...Dolly Parton when naked expands to three times her clothed size...
...by Greg Gutfeld T HEY TELL YOU TO WRITE what you know...
...ply, and if I remember correctly, “Kill them...
...She explained that they work a little like this: You use energy, and you purchase a carbon offset...
...Television is like becoming a drunk, except that you throw up a little less on your shoes...
...At some point a solution involving the word “dialogue” will come up—and probably as a verb...
...If you don’t hear from a mountain climber in a month, you should get his car, his house, and his wife...
...Or worse, a contributing editor to the Nation...
...global warming...
...There is no gray there either… believe me...
...Without them, we would all look like road kill...
...The war on terror is just not that simple,” they will say...
...It’s not that I hate cocktail parties...
...And for the most part, it worked...
...It’s now nearly six years later, and our country’s weakness is that we allow those “nuanced” questions to be taken seriously...
...But you can never be too sure about bottomless pits these days—what with the regulations—so we should probably put spikes at the bottom...
...Anyway, I will say it again anyway, because while you’re drunk you are convinced you are the smartest person in the room...
...Most bigotry expressed in our culture is done solely to start or end a fight in a bar...
...For the richer members of the coastal elite, it’s a simple thing: Just spend more money for carbon offsets to alleviate your guilt over the gargantuan mansion and the heating oil it uses— and you will still be invited to the cocktail party...
...Get them before they get you...
...Hair” people are the people at networks who do the hair for people on television...
...By knowing so little, it makes it easier for me to get around...
...They could probably do my job...
...I have a pet nutria, which is a large, semi-aquatic rodent, named Pakistan...
...OTHER STUFF I KNOW (all in simple sentences prepared to be spoken on television or carved into Bono’s back with your dad’s penknife): • Middle-aged single women with four cats who watch The View regularly are a decade away from being an old lady with 100 cats, all of which have eaten her...
...People (or rather, phonies) wax on about shades of gray, and life’s many complexities—but “the fact of the matter is” they need to get punched in the face...
...Zero is a number, not a vowel...
...I’ve never met an ugly person that I’ve liked...
...I don’t care if you’re George Will, Charles Krauthammer, or an adorable polar bear cub making its debut in a Berlin zoo—the more TV you do, the less likely you will remember how to use a hairbrush...
...If you’re poor, you’re crap out of luck—but it doesn’t matter because you weren’t invited to the party anyway...
...that country over there...
...A sliver of complexity can be entertaining, how ever—especially when you find someone who clings to it because it’s all they’ve got...
...This is what happens, I imagine, to anyone who ends up on television...
...Just saying “shrinking polar ice caps” is enough to get you a hot date at Brown...
...Protesters care less about the issues than they do about their genitals...
...Or, “it’s getting colder, and it’s our fault...
...This is why many times you find guests bragging afterward about how great they were on O’Reilly or Hannity, and then you ask them why—and they go blank...
...Deepak Chopra is smarter than all of us...
...I would like to hang myself on the tree...
...Women falling in the snow is funny, especially when they land on their rear...
...That’s about as smart as you need to get, and for a lefty I’m sure it sounds awfully stupid...
...I can’t remember...
...I now do the same thing with Ellen Goodman, Frank Rich, anyone from MoveOn.org, and, of course Brussels...
...Those folks love to chat, after all—and they never forget a word in those lovely videos they make...
...But the real reason why the media, politicians, elitists, and the left that permeates all three can be so simple-minded about global warming is that they are too scared to face the truth about terror...
...The act of twisting a man’s nipple until he screams is called a “purple nurple...
...My other friend, Andy, pointed out that for every 2,000 miles you drive, the carbon offset would be a tree...
...A good friend of mine—a liberal with great teeth— tried to educate me on carbon offsets...
...It’s not that Hummers are environmentally immoral...
...Good people appear attractive whether they are physically good-looking or not...
...I WASN’T STUPID a few the basic obviousness behind climate IAM months ago—but I find myself becom ing more and more moronic with each passing day...
...ILOVE MY JOB, BY THE WAY...
...I said it’s like being drunk—I did say that, right (burp...
...Suddenly it occurs to them that all they said 48 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MAY 2007 was “exactly,” “excellent question, Bill,” and “thank you for having me...
...Yogurt is effeminized oatmeal...
...On an average day I have to think of 25 things to talk about— 25 things I can’t possibly begin to understand—so instead, I practice what I learned when I used to read the Daily Californian, the school paper back at Berkeley...
...No one really works at Best Buy...
...Likewise, I am not in the military, but I think fighting wars is necessary...
...Generating hysteria over an idea is worse than doing nothing at all...
...That’s why I don’t like photographers around my wife...
...I do know, however, that Lee Marvin is simply remarkable in Point Blank, and I could talk about that for hours...
...I travel light, and my head probably weighs less now than it did a year ago...
...He wears an activity cobbler apron around the house...
...I am not explaining it to you be-The only issue where the left believes cause I think you’re stupid...
...I believe, in scientific communities, this is known as stupidity...
...The people are wonderful—John Gibson is a delight—and the hours are great—but sometimes I feel my brain has become as deflated as a child’s ball stuck up on a roof...
...And anyone who dares to muddle that thinking with complexity should first engage in a preliminary dialogue with those wonderful people in vests...
...I also know that, when it comes to terrorism, one must always avoid any “nuanced” conversations— because “nuanced” means “liberal...
...Quick example: on Hannity & Colmes the other night, I tried to say “Pakistan...
...Right before he died of a heart ailment, I interviewed Joe Strummer, former lead singer of the greatest band ever, the Clash...
...If you actually question STUPID...
...What Joe Strummer said is all you need to know about how to fight terrorism...
...It’s funny and dangerMAY 2007 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 49 FROM THE GUT ous...
...I am not a cop, but I still think fighting crime is a good thing...
...On the show, which was live—or as live as Alan Colmes can actually attempt to be—I tried to say, “the mountains of Pakistan,” and it came out as the “mountains of Puh… puh… puh… puh...
...The only issue where the left believes “nuance” is not needed is in the realm of global warming...
...That’s a dumb joke...
...He was a well-known lefty, who stupidly named one of their albums (a change hysteria—you will be beaten to death with carbon offsets...
...GregGutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men’s Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on Fox News...
...This is why, for example, we have “hair” people...
...It’s dangerous because once someone knows a little about something, they use it to extrapolate a lot...
...If saxophones were shoes, you’d never wear them...
...It helps me keep things simple—and simple is stupid, and stupid is smart...
...And when the booze wears off, you can’t remember anything you said (and for the most part, neither can anyone else)—and this is exactly like television...
...The vests packed with explosives...
...I just hate the people there who expect me to agree with them about all the things they know for a fact to be true...
...And, being simple—or simple-minded—is quite possibly the only way to make any sense of life...
...Adventurers deserve whatever they get from their foolhardiness...
...Over the Red Eye that General David Petraeus had every phone, I asked him what he thinks we Americans vowel in his name, except for “zero...
...I would find out what its editorial stance was, and I would stake out the opposite...
...And anyone who disagrees—or rather—anyone who believes that the people who want to kill us need to be killed—is just “stupid...
...This is why doctors came up with the term, and why Al Gore will die of frostbite...
...It made me right all the time...
...But like a modern-day Rasputin, he uses his powers for evil to rip off misguided women and should probably be thrown into a bottomless pit...
...In fact, it’s their genitals that make them protest...
...They just make sure you leave the store with a receipt...
...I am explaining “nuance” is not needed is in the realm of it to you because...
...It’s that they’re ostentatious and absurd on a highway...
...And this, friends—is a great thing...
...But if you roll it over a Prius, you’re okay by me...
...But I am smart enough to agree with her on this point...
...FROM THE GUT What Do I Know...
...That’s the other real truth about global warming: it’s just an invitation to a cocktail party full of hot air...
...I have said this word before ten, twenty—maybe even thirty times...
...50 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MAY 2007...
...Small things are adorable only when they’re small...
...GREG GUTFELD Another highlight: I pointed out on my show three-record monstrosity) “Sandinista...
...Doing television requires a rewiring of your brain: The immediacy of the genre tells you to think in only three to four minute blocks, and during those blocks you can only speak in sentences that begin with phrases like “the fact of the matter is” or “at the end of the day” or “the rash appears red at first,” and so you end up pretty much saying things that come from part of your brain disconnected to things you actually know...
...Every day another cretin becomes a media expert on global warming—because in our media being an expert only requires that you know “it’s getting warmer and it’s our fault...
...Unlike Al Gore, I don’t know all the awful things we’re doing to the earth, and unlike Howard Dean, I don’t even know how stupid Bush is...
...If you actually question the basic obviousness behind climate change hysteria—you will be beaten to death with carbon offsets...
...The essential truth to global warming is that no one knows what the truth is, but it doesn’t stop them from reconfiguring the way we live, and the way we feel about the way we live...
...He’s basically a cross between a mouse and a beaver...
...Photographers got into taking pictures to get girls...
...And, as my wife likes to say to me, “Your stupidity knows no boundaries...
...And the more you do television, the dumber you get...
...That’s about all I know...
...There are no shades of gray when it comes to pain—that’s why it’s called a “black” eye and not a “shades of gray” eye...
...He said simmeant to say, “O...
...We are the least racist society in the history of the world...
...Really, where is the complexity—you know, about the real definition of terrorism, the idea that one man’s terrorist is just another one’s revolutionary—and that our nation’s armies and missiles are just terror on a bigger, more sophisticated scale...
...I can’t wait to see how dumb I’ll be in a year...
...We lost control of teenagers when we stopped hitting them...
...When I say that I am stupid—I really mean that I am simple...
...Chinese takeout menus could be boiled down to eight things...
...All my friends who run marathons are on Prozac...
...I actually should do about the people behind 9/11...
Vol. 40 • May 2007 • No. 4
