BEN STEIN'S DIARY: Damage Control
Stein, Benjamin J.
H-OH.THEHOMEOWNER'SBLUES.Iwasallpackedtogo down to our little cottage in Rancho Mirage...
...The building's dimensions are perfect...
...If people feel that anything they do is of equal moral merit, they make a big mistake...
...It's a free country...
...Shelookeddeeplysad...
...There are some B E N J A M I NJ .S T E I N A P R I L 2 0 0 7 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R 5 9 ItwassnowingandickyinKansas City,butIstilllikedit.Thetruthis thatanymorningIgetupandam inAmerica,it'sadamnedfineday...
...Hasnoallergies...
...Some, like Peter M. Flanigan, are extremely fine people, but he's rare...
...It will liquefy natural gas from a fieldtheyfoundinPeru'sjunglesafterthegashasbeen brought from the jungle and transported in an immensenewpipelineovertheAndes...
...Hasnevertakenanykindofself-improvement class(noneofanykind...
...Mindsherownbusinessandkeepshersphereof operationsextremelylimited...
...This sounds like big money...
...WhenIawakened,IthoughtaboutmywifeyandI made a mental list...
...Tonight, I had dinner withmysisterandherhusbandandtheirpal,Serge,at a fine Italian place called Remy...
...The InterContinental...
...Ifanyonehasanyideasonwhetherthisisagoodorbad idea,pleaseletmeknow...
...Agenius,Itellyou...
...Why aren't they considered heroes...
...ThiswomanisapuregiftfromGod...
...Itoldhertogetitfixedbutshesaidshealreadyhad theplumberthere.Hehadturnedoffthewaterandthe house was uninhabitable...
...Deceased...
...She went to high school with Alex's father, Col...
...I love being around Texans, Louisianians, Ohio-ans...
...Plus, it would probably require ripping out the cabinets in the bedroom, bathroom,andclosetstogeteverythingsafefrommildew...
...We're not supposed to have lavish parties while our fellow citizens are dying in a war...
...HasnointerestatallinanymovieorTVstar...
...Hitler wanted it and now Europeisgoingtogetit...
...IhavebeentoVailtospeak.Ihadatotallynuttylimo driverfromtheairporttomyhotelat4A.M.Hehated George W. Bush, Republicans, America in general...
...So,Iunpacked.ThenIwenttositbytheswimming pool with Brigid the dog...
...If anyone deservesa$10millionparty,it'saU.S.ArmyorMarine or Navy unit fighting in Iraq...
...I don't agree, but reasonable men and women may differ...
...Hasabsolutelynophobiasofanykindaboutanimalexcretions...
...Hasnointerestatallinfashion...
...I got my Tazo Refresh Tea, the single best food known to man, and I was happy...
...I stopped at my absolutely favorite restaurant in New York, Milos, on55thStreet,andusedtheirlavishfacilities,thensatat thebarandhadagingeraletosettlemystomach.Next to me, two women with foreign accents were talking...
...Can you imagine the cojones it takes to put your own money into a project like this, with rebels and headhunters and other dangerous people, plus pythons and jaguars, around...
...No, I think if Jews have ten million to throw around for a socialevent,giveittoTAPS.They'llhaveapartyforthe widowsofmenandwomenkilledinthewaronterror, andthatismoneywell,wellspent...
...Hasneverwatchedadaytimewomen'stalkshow...
...I know that some British people lived it up while London was being bombed...
...It's amazing...
...I mean leaders of both leading British parties are Jews...
...Or the Air Force...
...I decided not to get a whole remodeltomyhouse.Iamjustgettingnewfloors andwalls.IfIdiefromthemold,well,sayonara...
...Don'tscoffatherbs.Theherbs,orwhatevertheyare,in TazoRefresharelife-saving.Imighthavediedwithout it many a time...
...Would it be meaningless if they spent their money on heroinfor12-year-oldgirls?Woulditbeasmeritorious tospenditonchampagneforone'sfriendsasonwheel chairs for those wounded in Iraq...
...This is unimaginable...
...I understand people differing on tax rates.That'sfairanddecent.Iamforabalancedbudget at high employment...
...I told him to be quiet but he kept talking...
...I don't think so...
...Now,youmaysaytheyshouldbeonaccountofthefact thattheyareallsorich.Yes,buttheyarepauperscomparedwiththebigpowersonWallStreet,whoarebyno means nice people on a uniform basis...
...ButIdobelievethatcontractorswillmakeitintoabanquet.Thisallscaresme...
...TheproblemisthatI likedesignershoesandhe'spromisedtobuymedesignershoes...
...I think that when we show off like that,it'sbaitingthegentilesandmakingthemthinkwe are ostentatious, boastful people...
...Iamjusttoopitifultobeavegetarian,butIhopesome daytohavethestrength.Maybenot,though...
...Plus, as Americans, we are all protected by the Armed Forces...
...Then off to Houston...
...God bless them...
...But that denies the importance of voluntary virtue in society...
...Iwanttolivelikethedisciples,"she said...
...B E NS T E I N ' SD I A R Y 6 0 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R A P R I L 2 0 0 7 things in life that are simply better than other things...
...I have been a guest on about ten showssinceIgotheretwodaysago.Fun,butalsodiscouraging...
...The truth is that any morning I get up and am inAmerica,it'sadamnedfineday...
...Water had seeped up into themasterbedroom,themasterbath,thehalls,theclosets.Thecarpetwasruined.Thehousesmelled.Therewas probablydeadlymoldeverywhere.Yuck...
...Maybe I am totally misunderstanding...
...Anyway, I felt very angry after watching Donny Deutsch talking about those parties...
...Herfriendsaid,"Itisasmallsin,andnooneisperfect...
...Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer in Beverly Hills and Malibu...
...One was much younger than the other...
...God bless them under whatever stars they are tonightandeverynight...
...They can spend it any way they please...
...However, that's yesterday...
...How can people be so insensitive...
...That's fine...
...We're in the back seat of a Town Car...
...Yearethesaltoftheearth,butifthesaltshallloseits savor,wherewithshallitbesalted...
...T H U R S D A Y NOW I AM IN DALLAS WORKING onadocumentary.I am with my pal Walt Ruloff...
...Someone did, but someone I never write about...
...Other peoplesayweneedlowertaxesanddon'tcareabouta bit of a deficit...
...The room was small but allright.Theproblemwasthephone.Itdidn'twork.It tookfivecallstogetthefrontdesktoswitchiton.How stupidcanyouget?Howlazycanyouget...
...IputthedogsintothecaranddroveouttoMalibu...
...I slept for a long time with my Brigid and my Susie next to me, and by the time I awakened, life was goodagain...
...Eatsanythingshefeelslikeeatinganddrinksanythingshefeelslikedrinking...
...KnowsjustlookingathimwhatkindofamanBill Clintonis(knewin1991...
...But first I watched a show about lavish parties given by wealthy members of my Jewishtribe.TenmilliondollarBatMitzvahs.Tenmillion dollar Sweet Sixteens...
...Iamevenwillingtofaceexecution.Iwanttolivea goodlife...
...Angela Merkel is a good friend of Israel...
...S A T U R D A Y NOW I'M IN NEW YORK CITY...
...Well and good...
...LovesandworshipstheU.S.military...
...I don't even remotely believethatmoldisarealproblemorarealhealthhazard...
...Then, two generations later, we are havingtenmilliondollarparties.Idon'tlikeit.Iaman old-fashioned Jew...
...ThencetoKansasCity,whereIspoketoahuge conventionofSam'sClubmanagers.Theywerereallynicepeople.IamanimmensefanofWal-Martand they seemed to love me back...
...I am here promoting Phil DeMuth's book, Yes, You Can Get a Financial Life...
...HasnointerestinawordOprahWinfreysays...
...Nevertalksaboutdietornutritionorfood.* Hardlyevergoesshopping...
...Nevertriestocorrectanyoneelse'sbehavior...
...We are in the absolutely worst traffic jam in history...
...The most amazing thing is that I, with my many faults, managed to find the absolutely finest human being on the planet, that she fell in love with me, that wegotdivorcedandthenremarriedtoeachother,and that she still loves me even though I have such poor character...
...The other woman lookeddetermined...
...Spendsmostofherdayprone,readingbooksshe enjoys...
...We Jews are amazing...
...IfeelasifIamaggrievingmyGodbydoingthis," she said...
...I am not sure what it is about the oil business, but itseemstoproducepeoplewhoarethesaltoftheearth...
...I am sure that the Muslims are a real problem, but in some ways life seems very successful for Jews...
...It was a cheery spot with excellent lasagna...
...After dinner I went over to Sullivan's Steakhouse...
...Hasneverhadanyinterestinexpensiveshoes...
...Doesnotjudgepeopleeitherfavorablyorunfavorablyaccordingtotheirrace...
...That's doubled when we are at war...
...Why do we criticizethem?Whydon'twerespectandthankthem...
...I wonder how the stars lookinIraqatnight.Probablybeautiful.HowIadmire andlovethemenandwomenonthejobthere.Theyare thefinestwehaveinthisworld,andIonlygettoenjoy mynightatEldoradobecauseoftheircourageandsacrifice and that of the ones who went before...
...This is an example of risks and gambles these guys and their pals make so I can havegastoheatmypoolandmyhouseandfrymyeggs...
...The other people on the shows are often reckless buccaneers recommending startlingly inappropriateinvestments,proposingwildlysillygovernment policies...
...I feel as if I am sinning...
...I am insured, but it still sounds like big money...
...S U N D A Y NOW I AM AT ELDORADO COUNTRY CLUB in Indian Wells, California, with my wifey and our dear friend Barbara Duke...
...I just talk about it on TV...
...I spoke to a group of ultra-powerful oil men and women.Allgreatguysanddolls.IsatnexttoRayHunt, sonofH.L.Hunt.Rayisanimmenselysuccessfulman inoilandgas.Iaskedhimwhathewasdoinglately.He told me, as matter of factly as if he were talking about his golf game, that he was building the world's largest LNG plant in Peru...
...We laughed and joked, and then I walked around outside thebeautifulclubhouse.Thestarswereout.Themoon lit up the mountain behind the golf course...
...Dale Denman, Jr...
...Why did this happen to a good guy like me...
...Serge is a businessman from Brussels.He'smovingtoIsraelparttimeandNewYork parttime.HetellsusthattheMuslimsaresohostileto Jews in Belgium that it's not safe for Jews there any longer.Jewishkidsareattackedonschoolgroundsand religiousJewsattackedonthewayhomefromshul.He saysit'sfarworseinFrance...
...God did not make us perfect...
...He is from Australia...
...But when investment "professionals" recommend wildly dangerous or historically unsuccessful investments, it's close to fraud, at least sez me...
...On the way back to my glorious Essex House room, I wanted to use the bathroom...
...Hasabsolutelyzerointerestinmakingmoneyor thestockmarket...
...Sixty-four years ago, we're being killed like ants or roaches...
...I think this guy and his whole crew deserve medals...
...Anyway, off to bed...
...I would also like to say that the single best substance known to man is Mylanta...
...Spending immense amounts on parties is pretty far down the list...
...I still felt really angry...
...Hasnointerestatallingourmetcooking...
...But I don't think they were havingtenmillionpoundparties...
...Now she's a wealthy widow at this elegant club...
...Basicallyhasnointerestinshoesatall...
...IlikeRussians.Theyknowwhat'simportant...
...She likes to lie on the chaise nexttomeandtakethesun.Verysweetandreassuring...
...5 8 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R A P R I L 2 0 0 7 B E NS T E I N ' SD I A R Y Damage Control by Benjamin J. Stein W E D N E S D A Y U S A T U R D A Y TIME HAS PASSED...
...Itwasagorgeousday.BythetimeIgottoourlittlehouse, Ifeltbetter.Whatisbetterthanlyingoutinthesunwith theoceanspreadbeforemeandmydogslyingnexttome...
...Nuts...
...In downtown Berlin, there is a new large memorial to the murdered Jews of Europe...
...It was snowing and icky in Kansas City, but I still liked it...
...Is there really anything better than dogs...
...H-OH.THEHOMEOWNER'SBLUES.Iwasallpackedtogo down to our little cottage in Rancho Mirage when thephonerang.ItwasT-Dee,thewomanwhomanagestooverseeourhomewhenwe'renotthere.She saidshehadsomebadnews.Apipehadburstunder the slab the house is on...
...Anyway,Ienjoyedtheoilpeoplealot.Ihavetogive my usual fee to charity, but that's okay...
...There'snofutureforJews in Europe," he said glumly...
...He wrote every word of it...
...Now, will I ever be able to use that house again?Whoevenknows...
...Just for the record, they didn't pay me...
...We're at war...
...Now, I know some people will say, "Hey, it's their money...
...Well,anyway.Thisismydiaryanditmakesmesick...
...I had a simply ghastly hotel there...
...The people at the event were amazingly pleasant...
...There are a lot of crazy people out there...
...Itisbeyondbelief...
...Plus I have wicked heartburn.IthinkIshalldie.Butthen,wecrawledtoanexit and there was a Starbucks...
...It's called, How I Know My Wife Is aGenius: * Lovesdogs...
...She was, in a slightly tipsy way, relating her conflicts about her relationship with a much older married man in Toledo...
...By theway,mywifeandIplantogotoBerlinthissummer...
...It has saved mefromcatastrophemoretimesthanIcancount.Itis atruemiracledrug...
...Fine...
...IamembarrassedtosayIthenateapieceofananimal...
...Istotallyopenandup-frontaboutherloveofjewelry...
...The charities can really use the money: International Fund for Animal Welfare, Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors(TAPS),andFriendsofAnimals...
...That seemed terrifying but a trifle farfetched...
Vol. 40 • April 2007 • No. 3
