FROM THE GUT: Sick As Usual
Gutfeld, Greg
ERE I AM, now in New York City, having moved fromLondontolaunchaTVshowforFoxNews-and the welcome gift I receive is mycoplasma pneumoniae.IhateNewYorkforthisveryreason: whenever I'm here, I get...
...In movies, the bad guy can never be the little guy...
...Ofcourse,thekillerbeesnevercame.Andforthat Iamgrateful.Butwhatstillbothersmewasthelackof accountability on the part of news organizations that allowedthishysteriatoprosper.Whathappenedtoall thosejournalists,reporters,andTVhackswhocontinually scared the beans out of us about the oncoming killer bee massacre...
...I get that every time...
...Doing something dumb doesn't mean you should die, but it doesn't need a movie to explain that point to us either...
...IBELIEVE FOR EVERY SCARE A JOURNALIST falsely reports,heshouldbepunishedinamannersimilarto thetypeofhellhewaspredictinginhisstories.So, ifyouwrotethattheentirestateofRhodeIslandwould beburiedunderaseaofangrybees,thenyoushouldbe placed in a tiny room smelling of violet, and stung relentlessly by millions of yellow jackets as the state song "Rhode Island, It's for Me" is sung by the Providence Choral Group...
...I know it's only 2007, butIamdeclaringmyselfpresidentofmyapartment...
...And you can't make Goliath a good guy...
...I love killer bees...
...Please...
...Or the one that says, we're all at fault for starting a war that's caused the suffering of hundreds of thousandsofinnocentpeople...
...ERE I AM, now in New York City, having moved fromLondontolaunchaTVshowforFoxNews-and the welcome gift I receive is mycoplasma pneumoniae.IhateNewYorkforthisveryreason: whenever I'm here, I get bronchitis and my air passages cease to function...
...They were always expected to arrive "latenext year," and when they did--the elderly, infants, andslow-movingpedestrianswouldsuffertheworst.I grew up basically thinking that the killer bees were as inevitable as acne--and we better start stocking up on lightclothedzipperedsuitsandcannedfoods...
...And he was nominated for an Oscar for The Queen, which is not about Elton John or George Michael, but should be...
...Theonethatsays,we'reallatfaultforkillingtheplanet...
...Coughing is like Sneezing's loser ex-boyfriend--causing nothing but trouble while affecting everyone around him...
...Iprobablywroteahandfulofbookreportsonit.I might have even wondered aloud, if the bees were truly at fault...
...I wish I were in the Academy--then I'd probably vote for the 1978 film, The Swarm...
...Noweveryoneintheworldhatesus...
...WasAmericatoblame,onceagain...
...Because, in the minds of Hollywood and London, we're not David--the terrorists are...
...It involves two things I love: character actor Cameron Mitchell and killerbees...
...He dismissed that, saying "extremistsareveryfewintheworld,"whichiskindofan obvious point--since that's why they're called "extremists"inthefirstplace.Ibegantostareattheprescriptionpad--tryingtowillthedoctortoshutupand start writing...
...But instead, as a response, I weakly said something like, "Surely Bush is not as evil as those who are spending every minute of their day trying to kill us...
...Here in the land where everyone but you knows what's good for you, if you smokeyou'renotjustaNazibutaHolocaustdenieras well, which pretty much cancels everything out anyway--makingyouSwedish...
...After ten minutes, it worked--and he wroteafewforcodeine,steroids,andsomecrapIwas supposed to shoot up my nose...
...Ihatecoughing.It'snotlikesneezing--whichIlove...
...In fact, no one makes movies about stuff people do that actually helps people in real life...
...God I hate those heartless bastards...
...I am coughing a lot--so much in fact that I actually cough while I am coughing--the equivalent of having a snack inthemiddleofdinner.Ishouldgotothedoctor...
...It was as though I had told him I was making beer out of babies...
...Unless you animate him, and let RobinWilliamsdothevoice...
...THE CODEINE IS KICKING IN...
...YEEHAW...
...Oh wait, he did...
...Frears says he's now doing a movierelatedtotheLondonbombingsofJuly7,2005...
...Buttruetohisnature,hewon'tbedoingamoviereallyaboutthebombingsatall--buttherealtragedythat occurred days later, when British agents mistakenly gunned down 27-year-old Brazilian national Jean Charles de Menezes, who ran from the cops in the subway--probablyadumbthingtodojustafterasubway bombing...
...And by pay, I meangettingashoddyimplantinsertedintoyourbody...
...He's British, so that makes him smart...
...My chest cavity stuffed with detritus and muck, every cough flings pieces of Marlboro-stained lung from my mouth--usually in theunfortunatedirectionofmypoorwife...
...He also gave me a pile of free samples of a new antibiotic--something those evil drug companies come up with every year or so that radically improves the lives of everyone...
...But, sadly, going to a doctor in Manhattan often means more than just getting to read Harper's in a plasticsheath.No,italsoinvolvesalectureaboutsmoking...
...Becauseheasked--Itoldthedoctormyreasonfor returning to New York, and he appeared aghast at the thoughtoftreatingapatientwhoworkedatFoxNews...
...But with the shooting--thebadguycouldbeYOUorME!That'sright--our own paranoia, intolerance, and barely concealed racism is really the villain in this mess...
...It was nominated for an Oscar-whichmusthavethrownmanyAcademymembersinto a tizzy since it was up against a number of other flicks that also underline America's horrible place in thisworld.SowhichonewouldtheAcademyvotefor...
...Take Stephen Frears...
...Thatwillbemynextcampaign...
...Gore is officially the President of Global Warming, an office that was there for the taking, since its critics simply don'thavethetimeortheenergytorefuteitspreening disciples.Heshouldmakeamovieaboutit...
...Theywentfortheplanet,forobviousreasons:Now the Hollywood glitterati could congratulate themselvesonshowinguptotheeventinPriuses--although iftheyreallycaredabouttheenvironment,theywould havecar-pooled.Wouldn'tthathavebeengrand:tosee Warren, Jack, Leo, and Ellen ride-sharing in a hybrid...
...DidImentionhe'sstupid?IstaredathisfamilypicturesandrealizedImight have to hit him with them...
...Perhaps it was our collective"bee-gotry"thatcausedtheproblem...
...And when de Menezesgotshot,weallpulledthattrigger...
...Okay,timeforanap.Nowremembertocheckout my new show on Fox...
...I remember that almost every month in the 1970s, we were always being reminded that the bees were only "200 miles off the coast" of Florida...
...Coughing, however, offers no such joy...
...It's on at 2 A.M...
...Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men's Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on the Fox News Channel.G R E GG U T F E L D Inmovies,thebadguycanneverbe thelittleguy.That'stheproblemwith doingmoviesaboutthewaronterror...
...He made a crack about "fair and balanced," andthenhewasofftotheraces...
...While I coughed, shivered, and dripped, the doctor instructed me on the evils of George Bush, breakingitdownintothreefamiliarrefrains: HefalsifiedreasonstogotoIraq...
...Maybe they weren't "killers" to begin with.MaybeitwasyouandIwhohadturnedtheminto these desperate revolutionaries in need not of elimination, but of understanding...
...Ihavealwaysfoundsneezingtobeapurelyselfishpleasure--an expulsion of itchiness followed by a rush of relief...
...IswearthisishowAlGoremustfeel.Mytheoryon Gore: Losing the presidency meant that he had to be presidentofsomethingelse--somethingyoucan'tvote on and something boring and intangible and where every media hack's assumptions are the same...
...Yet,somehow,Frearsthinksthisisamoreimportant story--the death of one man--as opposed to, say, thewholesaleslaughterof50plusBritsonlydaysearlier--andIthinkIknowwhy: He'sreallyintothatmoralambiguitything.Andit's F R O MT H EG U T 4 2 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R A P R I L 2 0 0 7 Sick As Usual by Greg Gutfeld H A P R I L 2 0 0 7 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R 4 3 justtooeasytosaywhothebadguywasonJuly7(well, for those of us not in academia...
...Eastern Time-every night...
...And that makes us Goliath...
...That's the problem with doing movies about the war on terror...
...Did they lose their jobs for their shoddylies?Didtheyprintretractions?Didtheymove toJamaicaandopenajamhut...
...Wave to me, and I promise I will wave back...
...I am levitating around the apartment--a light-headed zombie floating in space...
...Likewise, if you wrote scathing reports on silicone breast implants--scaring many exotic dancers into having their illustrious orbs removed--then you should be forced to pay...
...Butnotonyourchest.Onyourface,soeachdayeveryonecanseewhataboobyouare...
...Yet,itbothersmethatnooneevermakesamovie about them...
Vol. 40 • April 2007 • No. 3
