THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
February proved to be one of the most delightful monthsoftheyear.Admittedly,itwasonlythesecond month of the year. Nonetheless it featured nonbinding resolutions from a Democratic Congress...
...His blubber so strained the buttons of his tuxedo that he looked like a plump Viennese sausage...
...Mitt Romney, with Sen...
...German police sent a shudder of fear through that country's birdwatchers when they swept down upon Mr.WalterKonehauser,45,andarrestedhimfordriving with a cockatoo on his shoulder, a cockatoo that happened to be his own private property and that he treated like his own son--though it was a female...
...Nonetheless it featured nonbinding resolutions from a Democratic Congress that promised to be a take-charge Congress...
...Neither of the Clintons attended, though Bill ardently watched the proceedings on Cable News, which suspended the Iraq war to cover the sad proceedings...
...Is there something wrong with that...
...Rudy Giuliani and Mr...
...Some may even have been Mohammedans and Hindus...
...It passed 246 to 182...
...Allofitseightbathroomsemployflushtoilets.Andits kitchen is constantly at work supplying the ever-fattening former presidential candidate with rich desserts, multi-course meals, and snacks...
...HeaccusedMissAnn Coulter,theneoconservativeintellectual,ofapplying a homosexualist slur term to former Sen...
...He would probably eat it on stage...
...It is known by scholars as "Cromarty fisher...
...These were all urban children...
...There was also Hollywood's first "Green" Academy Awards, which included the usual assortment of Hollywood Reds...
...He has replaced the buff look with the puff look...
...At this writing it is still unclearwhatkilledMissSmith,butofficialshaveruled outfoulplayorevenforeplay.Theothercelebrityobituary of the month was that of Mr...
...He was booked for going 60 mph in a 30 mph zone...
...She was trying to discuss Senator Edwards's environmental policies...
...She thought her listeners understood that a "faggot" is a bound bundle of sticks...
...Miss Coulter made an honest mistake...
...The excitable Dr...
...Finally, there was that incomparably comic moment with the House Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality...
...There in the ritzy section of Belle Meade, Mr...
...al-Gore on the horizon--lookinglikeablimpflyinglow...
...John McCain promising to join the fray in April...
...Soshecycledonethathadnomeaning...
...Shethoughtherlistenersunderstood thata"faggot"isaboundbundleof sticks.ShewastryingtodiscussSenator Edwards'senvironmentalpolicies...
...No one has yet estimated how many millions of kilowatts it took to broadcast the proceedings worldwide, though the hot air exhaled by the stars was stupendous...
...Such has been the Siberian nature of this winter's inclementweatherthattheeditorsofTheAmericanSpectator are drafting plans to establish a public-spirited national organization, composed of the nation's most farsighted idealists, climatologists, meteorologists, ontologists, and SUV drivers...
...What if they believed ground beef came from the ground...
...He should have had the bird in a cage," affirmed a police spokesman, "but when he was stopped it was flying round the car, and could easily have obscured his vision...
...Sponsorship willbesolicitedfromthesuntanlotionindustry,Archer Daniels Midland, the American Association of Retired Persons, chic bikini designers, and, of course, SUVmanufacturers and nudists...
...Gore's 20-room mausoleum annually consumes 20 times the energy used by the average American household...
...Edwards's tax policy"niggardly...
...Dr.Deanwouldhavetobesedated...
...In Dar es Salaam, local mullahs are weighing the consequence of the reappearance of Popo Bawa, the publicity-shy sexual predator that attacks both males and 1 0 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R A P R I L 2 0 0 7 T H EC O N T I N U I N GC R I S I S R . E m m e t t T y r r e l l , J r . femalesintheirsleep.AccordingtotheBBC,localmen apprehensive about the "bat-like demon's" nocturnal antics cover themselves in pig's oil to repel him...
...He is becoming so overweight that when he appeared at the Academy Awards, viewers at home had visions of Marlon Brando and Jackie Gleason...
...It is a good thing she did not call Mr...
...R .E M M E T TT Y R R E L L ,J R . A P R I L 2 0 0 7 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R 1 1 MissCoultermadeanhonestmistake...
...According to the report,2outof10schoolchildrenaretotallyignorant of the provenance of yogurt and only 9 out of 10 recognize the origin of pork chops--some even reported that they believed cows lay eggs...
...The British have published another of those tedious reports of British students' putative benightedness...
...While reviewing troops in the Golan Heights, he was photographed commenting on their positionsashepeeredthroughbinocularswhosecaps hehadobviouslyneglectedtoremovefromtheirlenses.BackintheUnitedStates,DemocraticPartyChairman Dr...
...The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science's assemblage of Greens and Reds awarded his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, an Oscar but it could have awarded him an Oscar Meyer...
...Global Warming, indeed...
...On Black Isle, Scotland, there has finally been a happy ending to the ghastly speech impediment that for decades has rendered the Hogg brothers,BobbyandGordon,thebuttofridicule.Agovernmentlinguisthasadjudgedthatthetwooctogenarians actually communicate in a rare and ancient Scottish dialect...
...Barack Obama, with Mr...
...On the Democratic side it is Sen...
...It will be called Health Advocates for Global Warming (HAGW...
...Shewasboredathome,"saidHerrKonehauser, "and I wanted to take her for a ride...
...Hillary Rodham Clinton against Sen...
...Said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "The stakes in Iraq are too high to recycle proposals that have little prospect ofsuccess...
...In Israel, Defense Minister Amir Peretz is again in a sticky wicket...
...Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr., the historian and liberal Democratic polemicist...
...HAGW will draft policies to spread the greenhouse effect's benefits through increasedbovineflatulence,themaximumuseoffossil fuel,cigarsmokinginpublicplaces,andtheadditionof more rooms to former Vice President al-Gore's colossalestateinNashville,Tennessee...
...What the women do has yet to be reported, but this pig's oil treatment has got to stop...
...In France, French Mohammedans are suing the French magazine Charlie Hebdo ("un journal polemique et satirique") for reprinting cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad that appeared in Denmark, and the Republican presidential field gained front-runners Mr...
...Dean could not be mollified, and even opportunistic conservative columnists kicked thecomelyblondecommentatorwhenshewasdown...
...John Edwards while addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference...
...Born Arthur Bancroft Schlesinger, he later copped his father's middle name Meier and appropriated"Junior,"presumablysoasnottobeconfusedwith hisfatherorforthatmatterhismother,whodidalotof the family's yard work...
...Miss Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in her sleep and after lengthy legal wrangling was buried in a regal ceremony in the Bahamas...
...Well, big deal...
...Now,aspartofsomethingcalledHighlandYear ofCulture2007,thesetwodimwitswillbetapedatpublic expense jabbering to each other and to any of their neighborswhocanbeprevaileduponnottolaugh...
...Finally, let us return to that February 16 nonbinding congressional resolution...
...Howard Dean again demonstrated that he is among the estimated 16 million Americans who suf-fer what the National Institute for Mental Health calls"ExplosiveRageDisorder...
...That delegation of popinjays on February 13 was forced to cancel its hearing on "The WarmingofthePlanet"duetofreezingrains,windsof up to 25 mph, and an ice accumulation of freakish dimensions...
Vol. 40 • April 2007 • No. 3
