LONDON BUREAU: Looking Stupid
Gutfeld, Greg
AM GOING TO SEE A FRIEND OF MINE, an underground American comic named Neil Hamburger, open for Tenacious D tonight. He's played at sold out...
...askedthegoatee...
...When faced with an angry woman who literally struck back, they learned something about the real world--that actions have consequences, even those of a coward...
...And it also requires balls, which they sorely lack...
...His temple reddens, and his friends burst out in nervous laughter...
...But it's handy for gigs too...
...I'm being followed," she whispered, terrified...
...andinLondon--butthisisthefirsttimeI'veseenhim play in a large venue, in front of thousands of people...
...I ask...
...Proof Sets were not issued in 1965,1966 & 1967 New York Mint Edina, Minnesota Not affiliated with the U.S...
...I've had lots of practiceovertheyears--justaskmyfriends.TheU.S.,in fact,asanation,needstostartactinglikefools.Weneed to be ridiculous...
...We need to keep our enemies up at night and make them squirm for a change...
...Calming down, my wife gave me the look...
...The second punch is hard enough to make the 30 or so witnesses wince...
...The creep looks horrified...
...And it's the first time I've ever seen people throw coins...
...But I'll look like an ass...
...We need to punch a cowardinthefacewhenit'scalledfor,anddosoinfrontof his friends...
...And that's the only thing that matters to the left...
...Football matches are rife with it and the police prosecute heavily if they catch you doing it," says Kevin, who seems to know more about this than I expected...
...He's just a drug addict...
...That's for hitting my husband," Simone says, before hitting him one more time...
...I heard another voice from her receiver, someone barking nonsense...
...To have the ballstoappearstupid--atanyandalltimes.Weneedto stand up and demand to see what's in a fidgety man's back pack, even if it turns out its nothing more than backissuesoftheUtneReaderanda"neckmassager...
...The left cannot fathom why anyone would do such a thing...
...Myself...
...When I told him to leave me alone, he just got closer and kept yelling...
...They also hurt...
...Mint's highest Proof quality and all for about $17.95 per set...
...What are you wearing...
...Or a coward...
...Because, in order to prevent evil, you have to take a risk--not of death, but of embarrassment...
...The bravest response for all of us...
...Whydidyousinglemeout...
...G R E GG U T F E L D Theleftwillneverstandupforanything, becausedoingsounderminesthe protectionnecessaryfortheirfragileegos...
...As I approached, wavingmyarms,hebackedaway,withhishandsfumbling in his oversized pockets...
...Government...
...It's my wife, walking home after a night out with friends...
...Theamazingthingaboutgettinghitbyawoman: itturnsmenintoboys...
...Where are you...
...Hurry--Call today...
...Without hesitation, we walk over to him, and inashortburstofmovement,Simonepuncheshimin the forehead...
...I don't care if I look foolish, I must say something...
...I've seen Neil play a bunch of times--in the U.S...
...I felt bad for calling," she said...
...She points toward the goatee...
...They were from Milton Keynes, they explained, and are now wondering why--when they always come to London--they get hit in the face...
...We walked home in the middle of a rainy London street at midnight, me wearing nothing but tattered boxers...
...Greg Gutfeld is an American editor, writer, and commentatorlivinginLondon.Previouslyeditorof Maxim, Men's Health, and Stuff, he now runs Dailygut.com and a collection of other dubious website offerings...
...You throw copper coins at coppers at football matches,andatanyoneyoudon'tlike,"myBritishpal, Kevin,tellsme...
...1-800-642-9160 Extension 6001 *U.S...
...AS THE SHOWER OF COINS INTENSIFIES,Istandwith mywriterpalDaveandNeil'slovelywife,Simone, who's watching these cowards torment herhusbandonstagewithincreasinganger.Daveand I sense something interesting is about to happen...
...It only takes that .1 percent to blow a plane up...
...And another saying, "Call Greg and scream--it's better to be stupid than be dead...
...We need to be the scary ones, for once...
...Just look at what you get: *The LAST Franklin Half Dollar*The FIRST and ONLY silver Kennedy Half Dollars *The beloved Bicentennial coins*The FIRST Ike Dollars *The FIRST and COMPLETE Susan B. Anthony Dollar collection Plus, many other "firsts" and "lasts" you won't want to miss--all in their original U.S...
...Back at the apartment, my wife was still shaking...
...Mint packaging...
...c)2007 + 4 2 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R M A R C H 2 0 0 7 gloating among his friends over drilling her husband, Neil, with a coin right in the nose...
...No one really wants to be up close and personal punching, stabbing, and charging...
...The good thing about coins is that they can't be seen in the air, so the victim doesn't see it coming...
...Why...
...Blogging has created a chorus line of cowards--cointhrowers who would never take the stage or put themselves in the line of fire...
...They claim to be concernedabouttolerance,butreallytheyareconcerned abouthowcooltheyappeartoothers.Theyneedtobe admired...
...Lying in bed, alone, thinking about stuff I think about when I'm lying alone in bed, my phone rings...
...I only write about this now, because lately I'vebeen getting hit with coins--figuratively anyway-whenever I write something on the web...
...It had holes in all the wrong places...
...Sheexplainedthatshehadtwocompetingvoices in her head, one saying, "This is nothing...
...Take Sunday night, for example...
...We hadn't done laundry, and I wasn't wearing my best underwear...
...Moments later, the injured coin thrower and his friends come over to apologize to Simone...
...These two lines of thinking reveal the key differences between the left and everyone else on earth...
...BONUS: The first 50 callers will receive the U.S...
...But I don't want to die...
...There's too much risk, and unless you're a celebrity, that kind of intimacy means accountability...
...Ilookedferociouslystupid.Andthenandthere,I realized that the hood had run off not because he was scared, but because I looked crazier than he did...
...It was the first time that these pimply faced boys--either online or in real life--had experienced accountability for their anonymous crimes...
...Because it's uncool...
...My family is on this flight...
...And that makes them all cowards...
...Iamnowinthecrowdofabout5,000pimplyfaced teens and their fat dads (both wearing similar black Tshirts and poorly managed facial hair) when Neil makes his way onto the stage, decked out in rented tuxedoandoversizedglasses.Thecrowdeyeshimsuspiciously as he launches into a litany of hilariously obtuse jokes, and within 20 minutes the angry mass startsthrowingcoins--mostly2penceshrapnel,which isalltheycanaffordafterspendingtheirmeagerwages onoverpricedtickets...
...Special Mint Sets (1965, 1966, 1967) FREE with your order...
...We need to be scary...
...We all have potential to be cowards...
...After a few years of blogging, I've hit on one essential truth: there are millions of cowards willing to say things aboutyouonlinethatthey'dneversaytoyouinabar...
...He is L O N D O NB U R E A U 4 0 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R M A R C H 2 0 0 7 Looking Stupid by Greg Gutfeld I continued on page 42 25 Years of U.S...
...When we hear those two competing voices in our heads, we need to listen to the one that dares us to lookstupid.Becauseit'sbetterthanlookingdead...
...Just relax...
...As I got closer, he retreatedintoshadows...
...If you don't wrestle with those two thoughts whenyou'reonabus,subway,orplane,thenyouarea liar...
...The left will never stand up for anything, because doing so undermines the protection necessary for their fragile egos...
...I ran out of the apartment and raced down Wells Street, then onto Mortimerbarefootintherain,untilIcametomywife, walkingalongthesidewalk,withahoodedmanbehind her, closing in, adorned in the casual uniform of druggybagginess.Whateverhewanted,itwasn'tdirections to the London School of Economics...
...They were present when Simone saw that man hurlacoinatherhusband,andtheywerealsopresent on that USAir flight last November, when the imams made passengers and airline staff uncomfortable with their prayers, their animated conversation, and theiroddrequests.Atsomepointbeforetakeoff,each passenger on that plane must have had those duelingbanjos of thought in their heads: "It's 99.9 percent certain that these people are harmless idiots...
...Why not," Simone answered...
...It'ssomethingwedidasakidatfootball stadiums as the mounted police attempted to bring order...
...I'm ready to play the fool...
...Backstage, Neil emptied his pockets of about 20 pounds in change he'd picked up on stage, adding up toroughly40dollars.He'duseittobuyhiswifeanew sweater--arewardforhermatrimonialactofbravery...
...Or take action, and look stupid...
...When Neil leaves the stage to a chorus of taunts, IturntoSimone,whoiseyeingayoungmanafewfeet away, sporting a poorly maintained goatee...
...Proof Sets Over 120 of the Finest Coins Ever Minted for One Low Price...
...The World Wide Web has revealed, sadly, that as a country we're losing the will to fight real wars, preferring instead to be nonproductive wusses, incapable of delivering anything more than a snide aside to the outside world, via the "send" button...
...That's the baseline definition of snark: catty words spewed on a screen but never uttered to a face...
...I guess everyone likes the safety of being at arm's length, which explains the popularity of coins, petrol bombs, grenades, Scud missiles, and the web...
...Imagine getting all these gleaming coins struck to the U.S...
...SINCE 9/11, THESE TWO LINES of thinking should compete for attention in your brain each time you're faced with a potential crisis...
...That's right, for a limited time, New York Mint is offering you 25 years of U.S...
...Normal folks are willing to take the risk and appear stupid...
...Hehasthelookofaladwhose mum has caught him wanking," says my friend Dave, who should know...
...But most of L O N D O NB U R E A U M A R C H 2 0 0 7 T H E A M E R I C A N S P E C T A T O R 4 3 usnevertakethatroute.We'redecentpeople,ortryto be, anyway...
...Less a comic and more a prankish performance artist--he's the master of the non-joke--designed to confuse an audience that expects nothing more than "Bushisstupid"inanities.Iwouldunleashasampleof hisbestmaterialhere,butIwanttokeepmyjob...
...Should you do nothing and be cool...
...Don't you ever want to hit someone...
...He's played at sold out venues acrossEngland,fromBirminghamtoManchester,and has been booed by tens of thousands of people along theway.Hamburgersucks.Buthesuckssobadthathe rules...
...Don't be a fool...
...Mortimer Street...
...We need to be willing to face the mobs in the street and the mobs online...
...THAT'S WHY AT HAMMERSMITH APOLLO, Simone was my hero...
...Proof sets* (1961 - 1985) for only $395...
...I watch as men--ranging from gawky 16-yearolds to flabby baldies--charge toward the stage and hurlacoin,andthenslinkbackintodarkness,patting each other on the back along the way.I needed an explanation for all this...
Vol. 40 • March 2007 • No. 2
