1970: A FOREBODING
Ferry, W. K.
1 9 1 0 ~ £7f F O R E l f e O M M e by W. K. Ferry The following is the complete, shocking, definitive, and unexpurgated story of the events of 1970. January: The Supreme Court declares all...
...D MEYER (Continued from Page 10) sible size of the difference, so I was not surprised to find that Jensen speaks of a difference of about 15 I. Q. points (1 standard deviation...
...the latter are told they can do what they cannot do and denied satisfaction in what they can do...
...Berry is a worthy prosecutor...
...Mitchell agrees, and files for divorce...
...Nor have we seen his report...
...It is an open question whether the egalitarian ethic has done more harm to those who are above average or to those who are below average in intelligence...
...Brewer, but ascribes his defeat to outside agitators . . John Isenbarger signs a pro contract for $200,000 with the Cleveland Browns . . . Spiro Agnew receives the Peabody Award for "constructive criticism of the television industry" . . . Sen...
...M a y : Arnold Toynbee asserts in a speech that the U. S. is perpetuating the most blatant genocide in the history of the world, both on Vietnam and at home . . H e is immediately invited to be the commencement speaker at 426 different universities . . . Cesar Chavez says that anyone who continues to eat grapes should be shot . . . Three grape eaters are shot . . . Cesar Chavez condemns the "institutionalized violence of American society" . . . The Supreme Court rules that since the Senate is not and never has been apportioned on the principle of one-man, one-vote, all laws passed by the Senate are invalid, retroactive to 1792 . . . Robert Welch, in a speech before his family under a birch tree, calls Attorney General Mitchell "an unwitting tool of the international communist conspiracy" . . . Mrs...
...October: H E W takes aspirin off the market when it is discovered that more than fifty of them at once can cause dizziness and "itchy teeth...
...John Lindsay gives a speech, and then there are only 163 people . . . John Isenbarger is voted N F L Rookie of the Year . . Mike Phipps is now the holder on field goal attempts for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders of the Canadian Football League . . . George McGovern, running hard for the Democratic nomination in 1972, assails the poverty, discrimination, crime, unhappiness, war, and discontent in the United States, and blames it all on Spiro Agnew . . Agnew, on as Richard Nixon's guest at halftime of the Texas-Arkansas game, calls McGovern an effete snob...
...Foreman three million, and repents again . . . Rev...
...however, it promises to rethink its position when Harvard's star football player trips over a curler and suffers a miscarriage . . . Gamal Abdul Nasser vows to fight "the Zionist aggressors forever, if need be" . . . Israeli troops occupy Cairo, suffering one casualty when a soldier gets too close to the sewer system . . . Nasser vows to "drive the Zionist imperialists into the sea" from his new home in Addis Ababa . . . Israeli troops occupy Addis Ababa...
...Billy James Hargis becomes a Black activist...
...Bishop James Pike arises from the dead...
...In a different, more important election, T o m Seaver is elected Most Valuable Player in the National League over Willie McCovey — James Farmer points out that all 24 electors are white . . . College troubles recommence, but the Free University of Ellettsville stays calm . . . John Lindsay announces a new appointment to replace the last commissioner who quit — Dr...
...Enjoy a new sense of assuredness...
...In an unrelated event, the Presidential Commission on the Causes and Prevention of Violence issues a seventeen volume, 21,000 page report which concludes "violence is bad...
...And I a m certain Mr...
...McCormack raises Medicare benefits . . . Gore Vidal gets his lavender belt in judo, and becomes a woman wrestler...
...Maybe they are a bit impatient at times, but their motives are good" . . . The Presidential Commission on Hunger condemns the "institutionalized hunger of American society...
...he accuses the government of harassment . . . "Jumbo Jim" Garrison confidently announces that he has solved President Kennedy's assassination, and arrests thirty-two more innocent people...
...Billy James Hargis agrees, and Page 14 urges everyone to donate ten dollars to the "Rev...
...Rudolph Montag is appointed Head of the H u m a n Resources Administration . . . James Foreman demands two million dollars from the National Council of Churches . . . The National Council of Churches votes to give Mr...
...Billy James Hargis fund," which donates the money to "a worthy Christian cause" — namely, Billy James Hargis .. . In an unrelated religious development...
...The former are tortured with unjustified guilt bcause they are on top...
...He does not reject the Liberal premise, egalitarianism, but the reality with which it conflicts...
...February: Twenty black students of the four hundred at Cornell University take over the administration building to demand that the curriculum in home economics be changed to include a course in "soul food," to be taught by an Afro-American...
...Edward Kennedy wins an overwhelming victory . . . Reporters naturally ask him if he will run for President in 1972, but Kennedy responds "We'll drive over that bridge when we come to it...
...At this impasse the radical comes on the scene with his cure for the ills of Liberal society...
...Enjoy the mod attire...
...He says that those who fail to reach the average are actually superior, and that those who are successful should not help them but need help from them and should learn from them and be ruled by them...
...Thus to 'the morality of immorality, as manifested in our churches and our media, we add the culture of barbarism, as it is manifested in our theatres and our streets...
...It is a paradox that the egalitarian society can thus be particularly painful psychologically for the person of limited abilities...
...Learn why thousands of young swingers like yourself are daily taking up Suma Wrestling...
...Berry has had a very difficult time getting his investigation started, at least we have not heard from him...
...if we want to have a nonviolent society, we will have to do away with violence...
...And so it seems we shall all live quietly ever after...
...In the wrestling match of the decade, for the world championship, "The Gorgeous Syllogism" defeats "Snortin' Staughton" Lynd in 12:43 with the "double leg elbow Texas backbreaker deathhold" . . . Lynd blames his defeat on the military-industrial-complex . . . The Alternative, in its year-end statement, announces that circulation has increased 3 7 2 % to 1365, but is forced to go out of business when a goat tries to eat a copy of the magazine and cannot digest it, and dies . . . The editor of The Alternative, R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr., charged with "perpetuating institutionalized genocide" on goats, resigns, and there is no more Alternative . . M u c h of the nation mourns its passing...
...legalizes graft . . . S a m Brown's "March for Peace" draws 500,000 people to Washington . . . That same weekend...
...As the school year draws to a close, thirteen libraries are burnt down and twenty buildings defaced . . John Lindsay acclaims the youthful protestors as "youth we can be proud of, youth who are not satisfied with the old answers, who are searching for a new and better world...
...H e says "middle-class values," i.e...
...His camel spits in his face . . . Benjamin Spock's dishwasher breaks down...
...1 9 1 0 ~ £7f F O R E l f e O M M e by W. K. Ferry The following is the complete, shocking, definitive, and unexpurgated story of the events of 1970...
...July: H E W discovers that if a duck drinks sixteen bottles of shampoo a day he (or she) will become violently ill, and bans shampoo from the market . . . A Black Panther shoots at a policeman, the policeman shoots back, and the Panther is wounded . . . Panther lawyer Robert Gerry charges "police harassment of the most flagrant sort" . . . George Wallace loses in the primary to Lt...
...Cornell's administration accedes, but the Blacks refuse to yield when Aunt Jemima is appointed . . Harvard declares its experiment in coeducational dorms to be a success...
...But I also know that some office holders in this county are beholden to Indiana University, and the university environment is not enhanced by certain kinds of publicity...
...George M c G o v e m charges that "thanks to the militaryindustrialcomplex, millions of infants go to bed hungry at night" . . . Edward Kennedy attacks the Nixon Administration's "stubbornness" at the S A L T talks in Helsinki . . . Barry Goldwater attacks the Nixon administration's "policy of appeasement" in Helsinki . . . Robert Welch attacks Edward Kennedy, Barry Goldwater, and Richard Nixon for being "unwitting tools of the international communist conspiracy" . . . Mrs...
...marijuana is legalized "for prevention of disease only" . . . The new fad among college students is the smoking of cyclamate reefers . . . John Isenbarger is averaging twelve yards a carry for the Browns . . . Mike Phipps is cut from the Dolphin taxi squad . . . Hugh Addonizio iy^'i^m^MiMiMiMiMiMiiyji}y.¥i^'i!yii}y{iMi&jj|}Uiiiy}iMi}^ H A V E FUN LEARN TO DEFEND YOURSELF BY Suma wrestling is the latest thing in self-defense and in m o d e m sport...
...we must all examine our consciences" . . . H E W outlaws the use of fertilizer because it contains one-tenth of one per cent of an ounce of cyclamates per pound . . . Vance Hartke proposes that American citizens be forbidden from flying the American flag, because it is a "chauvinistic, conceited, and inflammatory gesture in the eyes of the rest of the world" . . . President Nixon, in his State of the Union address to Congress, makes thirty-two things abundantly clear and puts twenty-three Senators and one hundred forty-six Reppresentatives to sleep — all of them his supporters...
...John Mitchell (divorced) calls Robert Welch "a cryptoliberal" The Presidential Commission on the Causes and Prevention of Sex condemns "the institutionalized sex of American society...
...FERRY (Continued from Page 11) small town in South Carolina . . . M a o drowns in his bathtub . . . Justice Douglas' next wife is b o m on top of a mountain . . . Senator Eastland is once again given $50,000 not to grow anything on his two acres in Mississippi . . . Nasser says, " W e will drive the Israelis into the sea...
...Enjoy the Suma diet...
...November: In Massachusetts, Sen...
...Ralph Abemathy calls the heat "an obvious sign of institutionalized white racism" . . . Britain is finally allowed to join the C o m m o n Market . . . John Mitchell, stung by his ex-wife's criticism, resigns as Attorney General, and is succeeded by former Newark mayor Hugh Addonizio, who appoints Mario (T-Balls) Proscumanio as chief assistant . . . Britain quits the C o m m o n Market when the delegates refuse to adjourn for tea at 4 o'clock . . . Andy Warhol's new movie, consisting of a blank screen and the sound of a man snoring for four hours, is hailed by many critics as "the ultimate viewing experience" . . . Bill Buckley gets his black belt in judo, and becomes a professional wrestler under the stage name "The Gorgeous Syllogism" . . . The Women's Liberation Front, picketing the Miss America contest (which is won by Miss Mississippi for the twelfth year in a row), strip to the waist in a gesture of protest . . . N o one notices...
...March: The Presidential Commission on the Causes and Prevention of Violence in the United States condemns the "institutionalized violence of American society," but condones massive civil disobedience as necessary to change . . . The Women's Liberation Front demands that 51 % of university professors, corporation heads, and basketball players be women . . . The universities give in . . . Scandal once again taints the Lindsay administration (sic) in N e w York as Antonio "Tony Ducks" Machinello is forced to resign as assistant head of the H u m a n Resources Administration . . . Lindsay says he suspected something when the food stamps given to welfare recipients were discovered to be marked "only good for pizza...
...civilization, are wrong in their entirety...
...April: Floyd McKissick, addressing the Conferefice of American Sociologists, denounces his audience as consisting of "phony white liberals, perpetuating intellectual genocide on the Afro-American" . . . The Conference of American Sociologists votes 725-279 to endorse McKissick's statement ,and repents . . . So does the National Council of Churches . . . Fortytwo Black Panthers, charging that "the honkies are out to get us," flee the U. S. for Cuba, where they are put to work cutting sugar cane 16 hours a day . . . In a demonstration in N e w York, thirty-two protestors, "young, idealistic, searching for a better world,'" carry out the dictates of their consciences, and throw rocks at the police . . The Presidential Commission on Racism condemns "the institutionalized racism of American society" . . . Vance Hartke announces the nation's rail systems have long term contracts with the military for transcontinental shipment of "almost lethal" tear gas...
...December: As the year comes to a close, various Presidential commissions issue their year-end reports: the total amount of money requested by the commissions to clear up the problems they are studying totals 623 billion dollars, all to be taken out of the defense budget . . The fifteenth moratorium draws 323 people to Washington...
...September: As the football season begins, President Nixon resigns from the Presidency to become Chris Schenckel's sidekick on the " N C A A game of the week" . . . Vice-President Agnew, rather than become President, resigns to replace David Brinkley as anchor man on the N B C evening news, and becomes a liberal . . . President John McCormack, in his first action after becoming President, raises Social Security benefits . . . Walter McCracken announces that "the fight Page 13 against inflation has been won" . . . The price of a loaf of bread is now $17, and shopping bags are now used not to carry one's purchases but rather all the money needed to make a purchase . . . The purchase is carried in the handbag .. . "The Gorgeous Syllogism" wins his first seven wrestling bouts, but then loses to Gorilla Monsoon . . . Buckley's manager, George Nathan, furious, walks up to Monsoon and accuses him of cheating . . . Nathan spends the rest of the year in a hospital...
...For details write Josephine and Courtney Huston, Suma Institute of America (SIOA), 206 Wolfe Street, Alexandria, Virginia...
...Dodge dealers sell three million "I Love America" buttons, but are criticized in the N e w York Times tor "dangerous jingoism" . . . Robert Welch concedes that Dodge dealers are only "unwitting members of the international communist conspiracy," but insists that S a m Brown is "an out and out pinko commie" . . The Rev...
...Good night Chet...
...Thus Mr...
...June: Mao Tse-Tung swims fourteen miles up the Yangtze River, against the current, in one minute and thirteen seconds, breaking the world record by two hours . . . Strom Thurmond's next wife is b o m in a (Continued on Page 13) Page 11 I have always accorded enormous respect to anyone holding high public office, especially in Monroe County...
...Then he proceeds to a complete inversion of the whole hierarchy of values, and of abilities...
...January: The Supreme Court declares all arrests unconstitutional, reasoning that "the alleged accused are not informed of their rights before being arrested" . . . A n American on vacation in Switzerland shoots a Swiss grocer because he thinks he is being overcharged: Time writes that "All Americans must share the responsibility for this heinous crime...
...And the only way to do away with violence is to make everyone peaceful" . . . Pres...
...August: It is a hot summer, especially in the crowded slums . . . Rev...
...Yes, you the young swinger, can become a Suma bumper...
Vol. 3 • February 1970 • No. 4
