THE ARAB, THE JEW AND THE PICKLE
Plimkitt, George Washington
^ ^ ˆ t - Q ^ ^ ^ /ne ^ ˆ ˆ ^ ˆfnˆ/ ^ e by George Washington Plimkitt The middle east's charming little crises have elicited clouds of flatulent jabbering among those intellectual...
...Assuredly herein lies the Jews' great fault — they are decent and intelligent...
...their duty is to glamorize problems...
...Replacing courthouse loafers and latrine superintendents as America's most promiscuous conversationalists, they are primed to chat ditheringly on any subject currently seizing the national soul and their emissions have become a major pollutent of the environment...
...Inhabiting the world's largest desert, the arab generally subsists on a diet of sand fleas and extravagantly sweetened coffee...
...The arab uses him on superhighways and about town...
...Apparently it all began when the N B C News dummies Huntley and Bunkley read a satirical monograph in Time stressing the futility of the Israeli struggle against the arabs...
...And there is their style of choosing leaders...
...Arabs inhabiting the Isle of Socotra still cannot operate the wheel...
...And finally direct election would increase the threat of a tyranny of the majority's disregard for minority rights...
...Repelled by government in the indignities of politicians, they have made a national pastime of assassinating public officials...
...Thus he displays various antisocial practices and pathological manifestations...
...Though generally stupid and given to suicidal propensities, the arab has occasionally displayed great acuity in powers of seduction, as when he managed to dupe two of the world's oldest surviving ungulates, the dromedary {Camelus dromedarius) and the Bactrian camel {Camelus bactrianus), into serving as his personal Chevrolet...
...For Camelus dromedarius is distinguished from Camelus bactrianus in that it has one hump and is capable of startling speed, endurance and maneuverability (ten miles per hour all day...
...Surely even among arabs he is a certifiable cretin...
...To sell this idea back home the Liberal developed an elaborate mythology about the arab...
...It was a kind of world record in seduction only recently topped by the Hero of Chappaquiddick...
...In fact, it has even infected the distinguished Camel Abdel Nasser causing intensive damage to his brain (you could not expect it to cause extensive damage, could you...
...Of these, the bedouin most closely approximates the human being...
...And rather than give their women mouthwash, the arabs still cover their mouths with veils...
...Most of the achievements imputed to arab genius were really the inventions of emigrant Greeks and itinerant Jews...
...D P.M...
...As desert temperatures vary from a daily average of 125 degrees F. to a nightly average of 85 degrees F., the arab is a terribly volatile creature often given to silly tantrums or imbecilic euphoria...
...In truth, the hako-chief was developed by a charitable haberdasher of Jewish extraction, Saul Steinstein, who was moved by the unseemly sight of the magnificent sheiks stumbling about blinded by camel slobber...
...The theme is simple and therefore perfectly suited to their minds: "Though the Israeli have never lost a battle, they are fated to lose the war" and had best "bring the boys back hdme" — probably to N e w York City or maybe Scarsdale...
...This trait is as instructive as it is amusing, for it provides penetrating insight into the coeval arab and his whole middle eastern conflict...
...misery...
...And consider their ridiculous U. N. representatives who in the foolish attire of dirty bed sheets and sandals sempiternally outdo even the native New Yorker...
...Perhaps we will have to rely on Alternative Week (11-14 November) where he will deHuntley and Bunkley to solve this one...
...Another characteristic of the desert which has transferred to the arab is a violent windiness which he manifests publicly in foolish displays at the United Nations, even outblowing the famed Russian and French windtimnels...
...The camel is of very ancient lineage...
...Robert Galm, Governor's Youth Council...
...From a pitiful plot of land no more fecund or endowed than the miserable turfs of their exulted neighbors, they have prospered much to the embarrassment of all the sheiks and kleagles in the neighborhood...
...To this day, we are uncertain as to how the foul smelling arab managed to convince Camelus dromedarius to carry him about the sand...
...bedouin pastoralists, peasant agriculturalists and city dwellers...
...Let us now cooly appraise the arab, whose recent history has starred such splendid figures as M o hammed Salah e-Din Smith, Dr...
...It is not the responsibility of Huntley and Bunkley to offer solutions...
...He declares arab hegemony over the Suez Canal and in no time manages to clog it with simken ships, making it as impassable to commerce as his mind is impassable to ideas...
...Actually in spite of all their delightful foolishness they have become an annoyance to most civilT Y R R E L L (continued from page 7) ized men...
...One of the most popular is amoebic dysentary which is so widespread amongst the arabs that an enterprising Swedish firm has set up a fertilizer factory in several arable population centers...
...Indiana University's last Homecoming Queen Annoimces the: MEN'S LIBERATION F R O N T Sponsored by (Partial listing) York Barbells Ellettsville Athletic Association Non-Chalant Athletic Association Saturday Evening Club Moon Mullins Study Group and Choral Society Ripon Society Dear Fellow Male: For over a lot of years now, women have exploited our brawn in making this, as Arthur Schlesinger, Jr...
...Primary litigation alone could last months, with the appeals stretching into years...
...O n the other hand, Camelus bactrianus serves the arab's heavier transportative needs, as it can carry over four hundred poimds, and generally carries the arab's mate or mates (hareem) and his supply of sand fleas...
...Whatever their reasoning the dolts have received their cue and they are onto it like sharks pursuing a garbage scow...
...Yet if the federal government will not prescribe some sort of relief from them, say an anti-emission system, it ought to at least appropriate their televisions, for into their discussions of the Israeli pest removal a sinister note has crept...
...Join the M L F and work for these demands: NO MORE athletic undershirts NO MORE work „„„,, NO MORE holding doors for THEM NO MORE stingy deodorants NO MORE demeaning proposals NO MORE women's liberation fronts For further information write Dr...
...Meyer to much to destroy...
...n PLUNKITT (continued from page 4) Yet, it is not m y intent to pass unfair judgment on the arab...
...Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, and Nasser the Magnificent I. Taxidermists subsume the arab {Camelus arabus) into three classifications...
...Well for one, they appear to be staunch allies of the United States, which, to the media, is prima-facie evidence they are unclean...
...DOBIUS (continued from page 5) where the counting of nonexistent votes from graveyards, unoccupied buildings and phony addresses is not an imcommon practice...
...Then, there is their civilizational brilliance...
...Every disease known to m a n finds some sort of expression in the pitiful corpus of the common arab...
...The arab is primarily a nomad, no more adaptable to urban life than the hillbilly or the Reform Democrat — and even less congenial to government...
...Naturally, the arab has gained world renown for his diseases...
...Further it would destroy the heart of our system of federalism...
...Come sin with us...
...Their multifarious achievements show them to be a decent people and the arabs to be a pack of indolent, prehensile, fly-swatting rogues, no more estimable than the American Indian and vastly less tolerable...
...Consider the present Jordanian monarch, Hussein...
...For instance there is the arab's distaste for government...
...Perhaps the arab managed this coup by offering the two classes of camels specialized tasks...
...Research shows these claims to be as preposterous as they are ingenious...
...What can we do to put them out of our has always held great fascination for this kind of Evil...
...W h e n faced with this overpowering evidence of the pathetic arab's alienage to urban life, the intelligent reader will wonder why it is that the arab entered the city at all...
...Surprisingly Huntley and Bunkley took it seriously and now they conclude every report of an arab disgrace with a theatrical reminder that the arabs outnumber the Israeli by about twenty-eight to one, or that the arabs are learning to retreat more majestically, or that such altercations serve only to unify the arabs more intimately (probably meaning they no longer eat each other's young...
...they communibate I. U.'s Professor Morris on 13 November at 7:30 cate so well with the lower organism...
...Slavery is practiced in many parts of the arab world...
...Yet as the arab's beast of burden they supply him with transportation, hair for cloth, and companion3 ship...
...t - Q ^ ^ ^ /ne ^ ˆ ˆ ^ ˆfnˆ/ ^ e by George Washington Plimkitt The middle east's charming little crises have elicited clouds of flatulent jabbering among those intellectual down-and-outs who, in droves, are now ascribing to pop-Liberalism, and who always manage to give m e the impression they would rather be Liberal than themselves...
...Direct election is incompatible with our American governmental system...
...Everyone who has ever enjoyed bagels and lox knows of their illustriousness...
...Steinstein never did succeed in raising the arab to the technological level necessary to operate the hako-chief, though his invention eventually foimd acceptance in Europe...
...W e have gladly advertised this book as a selection of For awhile I contemplated nuclear destruction of the the Conservative Book Club...
...n 13...
...so the Liberal began exhorting the more ductile arabs to establish nation-states, just like human beings...
...Immediately after the Great War, the Liberal saw that the Ottoman Turk had tired of attempting to govern the desert creatures...
...From this brief discussion of arab life, it must appear obvious that a) they are no match for the Israeli and b) they do not deserve one granule more territory...
...Clearly, direct election lends itself to corruption...
...Traced to the Eocene Epoch by our esteemed Eocenologist...
...In fact, when the arab originally came to the U. N. he caused pandemic consternation amongst N e w York taxi drivers by refusing to enter a taxi until the driver spit on him...
...That the Senate will ignore Senator Bayh and his nesciently idealistic plan is, to paraphrase Shakespeare, a consummation devoutly to be wished...
...Other examples of arab primitiveness abound...
...George Nathan, they seem to have emerged simultaneously some forty million years ago with their more cunning cousin, the arab...
...barrassingly ignorant as exhibited by their suggestion that our Vietnam syndrome will be relieved if President Nixon will just put his army onto little boats and sail away...
...Herein is another political virtue of the Electoral College system: it would be necessary to tamper with the votes on a nationwide scale in order to elect an unpopular candidate...
...Indeed, the arab form of government is a delight that might profitably be adopted by all mankind...
...Sadly I admit that even I am in the dark...
...Dr...
...As embarrassing as it may sound the Jews seem to take pride in having risen from penury, through prejudice and armed suppression, to stand as one of the most advanced and most decent nations on earth...
...Roaming across the dunes and grazing beneath the stars, the bedouin possesses a charm and dignity rarely matched by the H o m o sapien, but when corralled into cities and villages or any societal structure tighter than the tribe he becomes nervous, confused, hysterical...
...In little over twenty years they have harvested a prosperity unheard of in that part of the world...
...But how delightfully amusing...
...They have established a democratic republic where citizens are actually urged to spiritual, material and social excellence...
...It was not until this century when the technologically advanced Americans gave King Feisul of Saudi Arabia a pair of goggles that the arab overcame this social problem...
...And how is it that the Jews have fallen from favor with America's magnificoes of the media...
...The media suspect such people realizing that they are probably immune to the media's idiocies...
...said, "the most violent nation on earth...
...But still they continue to cavil and annoy the Jew...
...With direct election, however, a monumental vote fraud in one state or even one metropolis might conceivably elect an unpopular candidate...
...Hunched over steaming coffee in all the chic public thinking places frequented by America's intellectual stevedores, these Enlightened Americans ingeniously paraphrase the six o'clock Tee Vee News, always affecting a camouflage of thoughtfulness that is about as convincing as woman wrestler Jacqueline Onassis' camouflage of femininity...
...Claiming that the arabs had long pioneered in mathematics, medicine and other areas of invention, the Liberal pictured this wandering oaf as a kind of reincarnating Diogenes...
...Unfortunately, Mr...
...Though camels are temperamental and given to expectorating on the arab, the arab displays great warmth and attachment to them...
...in Business 223...
...In fact, the very word has been pirated from their simian mode of communication...
...All arable leaders suffer this malady...
...And now we shall dive arab sand pile, but there just does not seem to be even deeper into Hades, we have invited Mr...
...This fear is reinforced by the realization that under the direct election system a candidate could conceivably be repudiated overwhelmingly in fortyfive states yet be elected to the presidency oft "supposed" popular support from the right five states...
...Rarely do they choose the most enlightened of the tribe, but rather the most ignorant and therefore the most entertaining...
...Throw off the shackles of female exploitation...
...But now enough about the Jew...
...Exhibiting his knack for seduction he bilks the poor Russians of their artillery and sallies off to smite his neighbor, the Israeli, who humanely disarms him and sends him packing across the dunes...
...Certain of his traits are admirable and the civilized world might profit munificently by acquiring them...
...As in the case of so many of our modem social problems, the fault resides with the ritualistic Liberal (Homo ignoramus...
...Take the hako-chief, a piece of cloth, generally measuring sixteen inches square and originally used to wipe camel spittle off the sheik's face after his companion had blown recalcitrance on him...
Vol. 3 • November 1969 • No. 3
