LONDON BUREAU: Wankers
Gutfeld, Greg
LONDON BUREAU {;reg (;u :feld I DISCOVERED THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR a s a confused freshman at Cal-armed with an undisciplined mind focused only on attracting girls through the romantic pull of...
...Only community service can make them see the errors of their ways...
...For the record, my favorite numbers are four, 17, and 4,341...
...What passed for "things to laugh at" on the left (rich people, white people, rich white people) were easy victims...
...Most went over my head...
...Their derision never changed, and their predictable routines were an orgy of self-congratulation including both the comic and his sheep-like audience...
...The English professors were more sophisticated than Pdckenbacker-they had off' ice hours...
...It is a snowglobe of selfcongratulation, where the self-absorbed go to make themselves feel good by making themselves feel good Meanwhile, British child molesters have found a loophole that allows them to continue to molest kids by flying to foreign countries for their quota...
...It is the ultimate circle jerk--with no shortage of jerks...
...I asked...
...According to plans being considered by the British government, jail sentences may end for regular shoplifters...
...Here the editors knew that there was nothing funnier than an earnest leftist, with the possible exception of one on fire...
...Pdckenbacker would have felt completely at home...
...I never heard of anyone owning 30 copies of GhostDogs of Moon Lake, much less sketching Nancy's lakeside cabin on an inside flap-but everyone needs a passion...
...They are currently looking for more polite terms...
...LONDON BUREAU {;reg (;u :feld I DISCOVERED THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR a s a confused freshman at Cal-armed with an undisciplined mind focused only on attracting girls through the romantic pull of earnest, self-elevating liberalism...
...The funny thing about The American Spectator was that it was funny...
...I caught him collecting his mail, gripping a long shiny publication that looked strangely out of date...
...She arrived in a wheelchair, but left on a stretcher...
...One day, Bob needed an inventory of his library, so I had to count all his books...
...I also distributed the mall, including Bob Tyrrell's...
...Soon I secured an internship at the Spectator and spent it in the mailroom...
...The mag mocked the workings of the relativistic brain, and mined it for laughs...
...I immediately subscribed...
...Later, another older sister came to stay...
...But then it all clicked...
...They can order the ultimate trip guide within Belmarsh prison...
...But neither did I. It was two in the afternoon, and I was still in mypajamas...
...I didn't see anything odd...
...I preferred phony profs over real scholars because ifI could make them feel good, then I'd get an A. Sitting there, during office hours, I'd look at their bulletin boards and read the pinned-up stuff: articles from theNation, editorials on the Contras, sexy shots of Angela Davis...
...And suddenly I found something that had met my own unspoken assumptions about the world...
...The Spectator took risks...
...What about scum who don't have a travel agent...
...She had it coming...
...Robin Williams was a Rickenbacker, he just kept his pants on...
...I was just stupid...
...What's that...
...All of them, however, have had one thing in common: alone or en masse they stroked themselves in their own impenetrable world of selfpleasure...
...Including...
...College professors...
...I did it to get a job at the Spectator...
...Including the homeless man masturbating regularly outside my window...
...Well, unless you call antique Bisque Porcelain dolls dating from before the 1900s to the 1930s odd (there were never any dolls, just the brochures...
...You can see the documentary on Court TV...
...The article was never published, but I did ride an elevator with Jesse Jackson...
...Hence, my improbable thesis on MobyDick as a homoerotic treatise...
...Along the way, I ran into a lot of Rickenbackers-most recently on the blog called the Huffington Post, where I frequently write...
...Or, in the last example, made me nauseous...
...Which is much like England these days, where British police chiefs are banning the word "yob," a slang phrase used to describe young thugs, because it "alienates" teenagers...
...It didn't look right...
...Initially, it confused me...
...As well as acquiring Kanji tribal tattoos and urinary tract infections...
...It was "Current Wisdom"-a section featuring clippings of press idiocy, prefaced with a sentence from the editor...
...So, if he needed me to count his books or leave a giant Siamese carp on Eleanor Cliffs driveway, I would be happy to oblige...
...Wait, I just said that...
...My take home check every two weeks came to $370, enough to pay for my two hot dog lunch and a copy of Bound and Gagged...
...I suppose some people would shy from such tasks, but not me...
...Theywere blue, much like the cover of the magazine...
...Bob had many books...
...It was fun...
...This was a great education, for it familiarized me with Rickenbackers of every stripe-earning me a master's degree on the mentally challenged...
...And so, every morning, behind the dumpster, he would do his thing...
...I had no idea what I was doing, but I did it anyway...
...Now, the overwhelming desire to make sure everyone feels good about themselves has led to an entire country with their hands fumbling around in their pockets...
...And, therefore, dangerous...
...Who knew he was a fan of Nancy Drew...
...When I got to NJC, I researched an article comparing black voting practices to their actual political stances...
...But he didn't have to...
...I moved into a small room in an Arlington, Virginia home--rented to me by two women in their 80s...
...There, terror suspects can buy The Spectacle of Death, which reminds those who kill themselves for the cause of the reward of virgins at death...
...It also gave me my first job...
...It wasn't that I was stupid...
...I only bring Pdckenbacker up, because he seems to pop up again and again throughout my life, although in different forms...
...Once I left Cal, I enrolled in the National Jour40 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 2006 GREG GUTFELD nalism Center--an internship program in Washington, D.C...
...I call this the stupid loop...
...These mini-vacations are called "away days," and as long as they tell authorities that they're going abroad, no worries...
...I took it up to the roof, found a spot to lie down, and turned toward the back page, the place that sets the tone of a publication...
...And there's hope for those who can't afford books...
...And by doing so, it taught me more about truth than any of my classes, helping to shape mypolitical and moral opinions as it mocked the icons everyone else fawned over...
...See, living in Berkeley, the homeless could masturbate anywhere-it would have been intolerant to say otherwise, and possibly harmful if the man in question had a seat on city council...
...Pat told me it was The American Spectator...
...The only problem was, it didn't work for me...
...I enjoy counting...
...I took this as a sign...
...Especially that last request, which-for the record--Bob never asked of me...
...The virus probably originated from a lab in Berkeley...
...Just pack the sunblock...
...I had great respect for Bob, his magazine, and how he was able to attract sharp minds to write for it...
...He received lots--the same amount received by the Scottish town of Shetland (population 23,000...
...Like Rickenbacker, he kept to himself...
...about themselves...
...A lot has happened in between-I've edited three different magazines (Men's Health, Stuff, and Maxim), written a couple of books, and moved to London and married a beautiful girl...
...Before readingAmSpec, I did not even know what my assumptions were--yet reading the magazine allowed me to discover them...
...I may have been dumb, but I couldn't pretend to be that dumb...
...I am referring to "Rickenbacker," the transient who pleasured himself in my driveway...
...Today, in London, I am witnessing a country in paralysis--caused by blind obedience to tolerance and a weakened resolve to punish what's wrong in this world...
...Calling it "Current Wisdom"-then featuring the meanderings of morons, made no sense...
...e~_9 2006 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 41...
...And it's what drives all young men into brief affairs with liberalism...
...But their mode of masturbation was deconstruction, and unless I followed s u i t - I would flunk...
...The wits on the left, though, much like Rickenbacker, always looked for safe targets...
...And now I am back, writing a monthly column for the magazine that gave me my first job...
...Greg Gutfeld is an editor, writer, and commentator living in London...
...Trying to rut, I fell into one...
...Meanwhile, British child molesters have found a loophole that allows them to continue to molest kids by flying to foreign countries for their quota...
...Typical...
...Previously editor of Max~ln, Men's Health, and Stuff, he now runs Dailygut.com and a collection of other dubious website offerings...
...Thankfully, I was saved by Patrick Fleischer, who lived behind the kitchen in our house...
...I was living in Berkeley, surrounded by people who believed in the very things I only spouted...
...Two-legged odes, tOO...
...I searched for "Current Wisdom" items, reading the Nation, Harper's, and escort brochures like the Village Voice...
...I believed in stupid things, but only because those stupid things attracted stupid girls...
...Soon, Bob offered me a job as staff assistant...
...From then on, I looked forward to every issue, even more than my copy ofMyBig Backyard (it's not what you think...
...Afterwards, he never said "thanks," or "I'll call you...
...T HAT WAS NEARLY 20 YEARS AGO...
Vol. 39 • November 2006 • No. 9
