THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrell, R.Emmett Jr.
CONTINUING CRISIS R. EMMETT TYRELL, JR. July 2005 joins a long list of Julys passing into history unlamented by sophisticates who loathe air conditioning and summertime...
...Nesa Proka (pronounced frop cha), a Serbian inventor of great gifts, has given up marketing his sex machine for women in his native land...
...Also making the obituaries was Mr...
...The enthusiast, whose name has yet to be released by law enforcement officials, was arrested after a teenage girl spotted him looking up at her from the bottom of an outhouse...
...We treated him as if he were hazardous material...
...Bernard Ebbers, was sentenced to 25 years in the calaboose for his role in the largest corporate fraud in the history of the Republic...
...Alas, this could be the last Tucker Carlson story, for the portly pundit known to insiders as Happy Bottom seems to be evanescing from televisionland...
...And in scenic Albany, New Hampshire, a back-tonature adept went way too far...
...Yet there was some good news...
...After the election he was identified as having been a particularly cruel captor during the late-1970s takeover of our Tehran embassy (now the Jimmy Carter War Memorial), a credential that, if mentioned during his campaign, left his opponents voteless...
...According to Mr...
...While on a "goodwill tour" of Kenya, Mr...
...Sexual practices in France were challenged when a court in Angers, France, convicted 62 defendants of pedophilia...
...Bean...
...First it was CNN that gave him the old heave-ho...
...Congress took its summer break, but not before running up $352.4 billion in bills for its porkbarrel-stuffed highway appropriation bill and an energy bill that included $3 billion to subsidize gigantic windmills that already on a 50-acre site in Altamont, California, slaughter 4,700 birds annually...
...CONTINUING CRISIS R . E M M E T T T Y R R E L L, J R. July 2005 joins a long list of Julys passing into history unlamented by sophisticates who loathe air conditioning and summertime exhibitionists wearing shorts and flip flops...
...A young German man caught stealing women's panties from a neighbor's clothesline has admitted to the theft, claiming that "I like wearing women's knickers to work but was too embarrassed to buy any myself...
...Birdwatchers were again in the news...
...Clinton to pocket, and in all candor how much more can the Clintons expect to get for their knock-kneed daughter...
...By Bulgarian law that means the sexually renovated defendant is no longer the person convicted and is a free person...
...Carter will fly his hang-glider into the area...
...Yet he may beat the rap, assuming his sentencing judge, Judge Barbara Jones, is as sensitive to international legal practices as Justice Anthony Kennedy was in March when in Roper v. Simmons he insisted that the "overwhelming weight of international opinion" must bear on American sentencing practices...
...In consumer news, Mr...
...The butchering allowed him to change his identity to that of a woman, Miss Albena Mihajlova...
...Gerry Thomas, inventor of the TV dinner, an even more baneful invention than the TV itself...
...Possibly because from the sight of them they would make excellent models in a Calvin Klein underwear layout in America's leading dailies...
...Possibly Mr...
...Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announced her intention to retire and our suave President nominated a John Edwards look-alike to replace her, Judge John G. Roberts, Jr...
...The spectacle of them in the buff put many viewers in mind of the pictures published last spring of former 14 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR SEPTEMBER 2005 President Saddam Hussein in his soiled linen...
...But now, led by a persuasive ornithologist, Mr...
...Naturally, the hardy outdoorsman was wearing waders from L.L...
...Alain Bombard, 80, the Frenchman who redeemed his nation after World War II by drifting across the Atlantic in 1952 in a rubber boat, eating only plankton and raw fish...
...He joined a long list of Frenchmen," the New York Times eulogized, "who have performed seemingly silly feats at great hardship," for instance crossing Niagara Falls on a tightrope, walking from Paris to Moscow on stilts, rowing across the Pacific Ocean, and re-electing the ridiculous President Jacques Chirac...
...Now he will market the machine in America, possibly in Ms...
...Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor (pronounced ship her pfur), has offered the Clintons 40 goats and 20 cows for their daughter's hand in marriage along with character references from former Kenyan president Mr...
...Terrorists struck twice in London, the first wave of four blowing themselves up along with more than 50 innocent civilians, several being their co-religionists...
...Clinton, her father, was informed that a 36-year-old Kenyan electrical engineering graduate, Mr...
...In Newport, Tennessee, 144 were arrested at the famed Del Rio Cockfight Pit...
...magazine, perhaps with an endorsement from columnist Maureen Dowd...
...Possibly he will become Shah...
...Now in late July MSNBC has announced that Mr...
...Maybe he/she will wed Mr...
...Proka, "I couldn't find a woman here to try the machine," which features a 390-volt electric motor and a seven and a half inch protuberance...
...I couldn't be more psyched," he chirped in his trademark college boy argot, circa 1963, but unless he comes up with another sartorial gimmick to complement his bow tie—say carrying a golf bag on the set or wearing a beanie with a propeller atop it—Mr...
...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced, oh the hell with it) was elected president by a seven-million-vote majority over his closest opponent, who garnered ten million votes...
...On July 14 in enlightened Bulgaria, Mr...
...Alarmed by their huge binoculars, funny hats, and appearance around bridges at odd hours, security agencies in the Chesapeake Bay area had suppressed these gentle folk...
...Admittedly the dowry is not a great deal by Arkansas standards, but in retirement no sum N G C R I S I S has been too paltry for Mr...
...SEPTEMBER 2005 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 15...
...Listed among the casualties are golden eagles, red-tailed hawks, and burrowing owls—all federally protected species...
...The enthusiast, whose name has yet to be released by law enforcement officials, was arrested after a teenage girl spotted him looking up at her from the bottom of an outhouse...
...We have another Tucker Carlson story in the news...
...Simpson, who himself made news in July...
...Sretko Ickof (pronounced ick off) took refuge in a sex change operation to escape a three-year sentence for theft...
...Carlson could be so yesterday, as he himself might put it...
...The second wave failed to detonate their bombs properly and were arrested a week later, two at least in their underpants and on worldwide television...
...A federal judge ordered him to pay the company $25,000 and look elsewhere for his cartoons...
...Former WorldCom numero uno, Mr...
...In Iran, Mr...
...And birders are active in the American interior too...
...Said Captain Jon Hebert, spokesperson for the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, "We had to de-contaminate him...
...Nova Televizija, Bulgaria's CNN, reports that Albena now contemplates marriage and perhaps children or at least a household pet...
...Death claimed the life of Mr...
...Police speculate that the gentleman entered the waste tank through the toilet, as the waste tank was locked...
...He went abroad, and once again abandoned himself to the irresistible urge to disparage his government on foreign soil...
...This time there was no outrage from the Arab Street...
...He excoriated "Guantanamo Bay and other places" as a "disgrace to the U.S.A...
...The former football idol apparently made a killing by pirating the signal of DirecTV Group Inc...
...Imagine his outburst when he is invited to Paris or to Tehran, where he might visit the Jimmy Carter War Memorial that is our former embassy...
...Ned Brinkley, they are being allowed access to every bridge in the area so long as they promise not to jump...
...Afterwards the Newport polizia proceeded to murder more than 300 roosters, much to the consternation of Newport's local chapter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals...
...Daniel arap Moi...
...Wedding bells may be ringing for Miss Chelsea Clinton...
...Howard Dean has fallen silent and former President Jimmy Carter has not...
...Carlson's improbably named show, The Situation With Tucker Carlson, is being moved even later into the evening to 11:00 P.:o...
Vol. 38 • September 2005 • No. 7
