THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
THE CONTINUING CRISIS R. EMMETT TYRRELL, JR. September slipped away and so did Senator Jean-Francois Kerry's lead over our suave president, George W. Bush, Hollywood's most loathed chief executive...
...On the other hand, these "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" ads roused affection for the embattled Democratic candidate within America's Francophile media and indignation against the Swifties...
...Miss Hassan is from Malaysia and presumably of the Muslim faith...
...Equally inauspicious for the Hon...
...The series of ads they broadcasted throughout September and into October featuring tapes of the French-looking candidate's anti-war diatribes roused anti-Kerry sentiments among the voters...
...Madeleine Albright and Mr...
...Das enthuses that the merest touch of a live wire leaves him "intoxicated" and abounding with joie de vivre...
...According to the authoritative La Prensa, Brazil's equivalent of the New York Sun, the cops have been called in and one opines, "It is a disrespectful and bizarre thing to ask a student...
...Miss Ketkeaw is not a Californian either...
...NOVEMBER 2004 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 7...
...In suburban Jackson, Mississippi, six were arrested while watching roosters that inexplicably entered into armed combat with one another...
...Kobe Bryant, the Bill Clinton of the hoops proTHE CONTINUING CRISIS fession, will not face criminal trial despite failing to advise his alleged victim to put some ice on it...
...Daniel Ellsberg...
...The gospel of Dr...
...Dan Rather made a bold attempt to garner this year's Pulitzer Prize in journalism by broadcasting on 60 Minutes a report questioning President Bush's service in the Texas Air National Guard 35 years ago...
...Dubbed the "Scorpion Queen" by her admiring public, she lost her world record in 2002 to Miss Kanchana Ketkeaw, who remained in her scorpion-filled glass room for 32 days...
...It turns out that he was not the only hero to serve in Vietnam or even to serve as a Swift boat captain, though he was the only one to have served on both sides in the war or to have "flip-flopped," as the phrase has it...
...Finally, in September Mr...
...Moreover, those other "Swifties" and the POWs who remember this perfect ass of a man do not share his high opinion of himself...
...but hitherto he has found nothing as rapturous as a 12-to 16-volt "kick" from a live wire...
...Late in the month she delivered up the judgment that the Bush administration 6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 2004 might display the Rev...
...Rather seemed to be arguing that everything about his story was right but the facts...
...Now from Rio de Janeiro comes word that a Brazilian schoolteacher of the Elders persuasion is being sued by students for asking three of them to masturbate so that their biology class might have sperm samples to study under a microscope...
...Aggrieved liberals are calling it "McCarthyism...
...When one of the 42nd president's surgeons reported shortly after the operation that his patient was sedated but still capable of "arousal," even Miss Monica Lewinsky must have released a sigh...
...Elders is the evangelist of masturbation whom President Clinton tapped as his first surgeon general, though he removed her after she, shall we say, got out of hand...
...Rather is in crisis.114 Mr...
...Former president Bill Clinton sent terror through the minds of scores of hat-check girls, airline attendants, and at least one pedicurist when he announced that those chest pains he was experiencing during periods of excitement might have been the prelude to a massive heart attack...
...She hails from Thailand, a very different kettle of kooks...
...Editorialists at the New York Times bewailed their ads as a new low in political discourse, to wit, smearing a candidate by quoting him...
...Das, a short relatively hairless man, well liked in his community, tried various narcotics and the occasional bite from a poisonous snake or scorpion...
...We shall see...
...After it was discovered that the report reposed upon forged documents, Mr...
...Sadhu Mangal Das from the rural village of Bahorisar (pro-nounced Beaux Arts) gets a daily "kick" by touching live electric wires—at least on those days when the cows have not shut down the village electric plant...
...In the United Kingdom, an even larger group of "birders" gathered to watch what was described as a "lonely and confused" Andean flamingo in the Gloucestershire nature reserve incubate a common stone...
...Actually rumor has it in Washington that the real "October Surprise" will be that the Hon...
...In news from the feminist front, Miss Nur Malena Hassan, 27, has auspicated an attempt to reclaim her world record, the one for living in a locked glass box with at least 6,000 scorpions—and she is not even from California...
...The inopportune melee provoked localpolizia to invoke an old and long-outdated statute against what was once called "cockfighting," presumably after the plainclothes police enjoyed a bit of the show...
...As we go to press, Miss Hassan is suffering fever from a scorpion sting to her nostrils caused by one of the many poisonous arachnids now crawling over her pulchritudinous body...
...No American journalist had ever offered such an audacious defense of dubious works...
...At this writing, the spectacle has lasted three weeks with no sign of a young stonelet nor any impatience among the amazed birders, some of whom watched the somnolent proceedings through binoculars without the digitalis of intoxicants or racy limericks...
...And speaking of NBA stars, Mr...
...The Bush administration revised its earlier assertion that Cuba was developing biological weapons after further investigations by the State Department suggested the materials in question might be for civilian purposes, for instance, a Marxist-Leninist room freshener or possibly a feminist eau de toilette...
...Of course, neither jolt is as chic as a martini or a Singapore Sling even in old Bahorisar...
...Kerry received less than an honorable discharge from military service in the 1970s, and that the Clinton administration doctored his discharge papers sometime in the 1990s...
...Rather seemed to be arguing that everything about his story was right but the facts...
...Many high-level Democrats believe that too, for instance the Hon...
...She is also tiring rapidly from loss of sleep, for as she herself attests, "I can only sleep two or three hours, since scorpions get so active at night"—much like NBA basketball players...
...Within a few days of the announcement he had quadruple bypass surgery during which surgeons fortified his ticker with veins taken from another part of his body, probably not the part made famous in that modern Rabelaisian masterpiece, The Starr Report...
...Western distillers of ardent spirits and brewers of fine beers may be looking apprehensively at India's famed Uttar Pradesh state where a Hindu holy man has developed a high-tech alternative to these Western "coping mechanisms...
...If a Pulitzer for journalism is not his reward, perhaps he can be given a Pulitzer for fiction or at least bad poetry...
...Nothing went right for the Massachusetts Braggart...
...No American journalist had ever offered such an audacious defense of dubious works...
...We are all horrified...
...September slipped away and so did Senator Jean-Francois Kerry's lead over our suave president, George W. Bush, Hollywood's most loathed chief executive since Ronald W. Reagan...
...Joycelyn Elders lives and even propagates...
...Kerry, his wife kept escaping from house arrest and heading for the nearest camera crew, where she would pop off with descriptions of voters as "idiots" and "scumbags," that last scurrility meaning a discarded condom—not the kind of thing a lady who speaks five languages and marries rich husbands is supposed to say outside the boudoir...
...Before experimenting with electricity, Mr...
...Nonetheless the plucky Miss Hassan endures because "I want to show that Malaysians are capable of world-class efforts"—next stop Carnegie Hall...
...Bird watchers continue to make headlines...
...Osama bin Laden in an orange jump suit as its "October Surprise...
Vol. 37 • November 2004 • No. 9
