BEN STEIN'S DIARY: Swimming to Arkansas
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STE N' DIARY Swimming to Arkansas by Benjamin J. Stein WEDNESDAY ERE I AM SWIMMING LAZILY back and forth, east to west, then west to east, in my wonderful swimming pool. The weather is...
...The ones who search for terrorists in Ramadi so I can lie in bed and reminisce...
...It all makes me think of the days of drugs and love under the redwoods back at UCSC, but those were a really, really long time ago...
...I got out of the shower and got into my bed...
...Then the pilot came back and said we were taking off right away...
...Fine and dandy...
...Too many dogs gone...
...Time to be thankful that those Cold War fears did not come true...
...There is nothing I ever did to merit such a life...
...Does anyone have any idea what movie I am talking about...
...Would you like to know what the rhythm of my stroke is...
...Then I spoke at the University of Arkansas, Fort Smith...
...HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO BRAVE...
...The ones who go out on terrifying missions in Afghanistan so I can swim in my pool...
...After the dinner, I went to the Waffle House for more waffles...
...The whole refrain of my life is that I get to live like this for two reasons: One, unearned grace of God, and two, the fact that I live in America, a nation on which God shed His grace...
...They were in a jovial frame of mind...
...I cannot even remember who I was then except I know I was very thin and had long hair...
...I spoke right after a young man who talked about hats of central Asia...
...To be in love with America, now that is a sensible love affair...
...Until just recently it was going on in the Balkans...
...So, we flew to Little Rock...
...It is marvelous...
...BENJAMIN . STEIN It all makes me think of Garth Wood, and Peter Feierabend, and above all, my mother and father, and the glorious dogs, Trixie, Mary, Martha, Ginger, Susan, Puppy-Wuppy...
...Democrats would have argued with me about carbohydrates and saturated fat and processed sugar...
...There are places I remember, All my life, Though some have changed, Some forever, not for better, Some have gone, And some still remain...
...Then when we got on the ground she held up her hands and said, in a very loud voice, "Thank you, Jay- Sus...
...The plane bounced...
...As soon as we landed, I made a reservation at the fabulous Capitol Hotel...
...It was hot...
...The roof is reddish tile and the palms tower above the roof...
...In the other direction, as I am swimming west to east, there are the jacarandas in our garden...
...I said that I was a Republican because when I wanted to go to the Waffle House, Rex and Keith just took me there...
...It's a 1929 Spanish style home with a balcony running along the second floor as it faces the pool...
...Not quite...
...that, too, makes sense...
...It was very hot...
...I can summarize my speech in a few words...
...This is my wife's doing...
...On the ground, in a surprisingly comfortable airport with big easy chairs, my two hosts, Rex and Keith, waited for me with their white Cadillac...
...We got on board ours and taxied out onto the runway...
...To be a woman, in most of man's history, means to be a victim, to be a target, to be a punching bag for men's anger and frustration...
...As I swim east to west, I look up at our house, which (to me) looks perfect...
...They all look so serious and yet so charming and witty...
...I tried to imagine American, British, and Canadian paratroopers flying into Normandy on June 6, 1944, with their planes bouncing around from flak and bad weather, knowing that they might well meet a painful death in the next few minutes, while they were exhausted and nauseated from their trip...
...They all remind me of my father-in-law, who was president of the Exchange Club of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania, when he lived there long ago...
...I just don't know what the metaphor is...
...Plus, there was no air conditioning...
...And women loved me...
...I first heard that song when I was a teacher at University of California, Santa Cruz, back before the state ruined it with excess construction...
...The Republicans just took me there and we all had waffles...
...Glorious...
...I loved those guys and dolls...
...It was still very hot...
...We bounced around like insanity in the storm and then the pilot told us that we would not land in Fort Smith because (get this) there were severe thunderstorms in Fort Smith...
...Well, another reason to be grateful to live in America, the Beautiful...
...Blue skies, temperature in the low eighties or high seventies, no humidity, slight breeze...
...My parents didn't leave me a ton of money, and they were incredibly lucky to be alive and working in America, too...
...The more I think about it, the smarter she seems...
...Those were palmy days...
...She cannot really tolerate the cold much, and so she has the pool at bathtub temperature...
...I HATED IT...
...Someone hooked up cables to the plane...
...I have to say they covered themselves with glory until we took off from DFW...
...I was just sitting in my little seat and no one was shooting at me and I was terrified...
...To have gratitude for America as an integral part of religious observance...that, too, makes sense...
...Time to be thankful that there has not been a nuclear war...
...That should have been a tip off...
...I guess there is a metaphor there...
...But many people have worked 52 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR SEPTEMBER 2004 hard in Czechoslovakia or Lithuania only to die in pogroms or gas chambers...
...Anyway, I got out of my pool and into my robe and headed to the shower...
...At first I thought she was kind of nutty, but then I realized she was probably more sensible about it than I was...
...The kids were fairly pleasant, in fact, very pleasant...
...We all clapped...
...I don't think the "women's movement" has even started to understand the sad role of women in history...
...By that, I mean the airplane flight from LAX to DFW was pretty good...
...The Democrats want to tell you what to do...
...If it makes her happy, God bless her and it...
...You can guess...
...The weather had cleared totally around Fort Smith, he said, and all would be well...
...My palms were sweating...
...God bless them all...
...Wooden ships on the water, Very free, Easy the way you know it's supposed to be, Tell the people on the shorelines, Let us be, It must be free and easy...
...I have long forgotten the name of the movie, but it starred a little actress who had made her name in Hair...
...I flew to Dallas today on American Airlines...
...In the shower, I listened to the Beatles singing a great favorite, "In My Life...
...I am not complaining...
...So, so, so much time gone by...
...To have gratitude for America as an integral part of religious observance...
...God bless this great, great land and the men and women who keep us free...
...Too many people gone...
...Then a long nap, and then a speech to a large crowd (their biggest ever) for the postponed Lincoln Day Dinner of the Sebastian County GOP...
...So much time gone by...
...Great human beings like Mr...
...But then we stopped on a blazing hot runway and some psycho witch from hell on the ground crew would not let us off...
...That was a non-partisan speech...
...The best part was that the local cardiologist was also there having waffles...
...The weather is per-fect here in Beverly Hills, as it has been for weeks on end...
...The sky is blue," he said...
...Well, wooden ships...
...For some reason, they do not have the gorgeous blue blossoms other people's jacarandas have, but they are leafy and a rich, lustrous green...
...The pilot told us there was a line of thunderstorms SEPTEMBER 2004 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 53 To be in love with America, now that is a sensible love affair...
...Hot air started blowing out of the vents...
...People always say to me, "Oh, Benjy, you worked so hard," or "Oh, Benjy, your parents left you money...
...54 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR SEPTEMBER 2004...
...Three speeches in one day on behalf of Bush...
...We went to the Waffle House at my request, had waffles, eggs, and bacon, and then I went to bed...
...I think it's called The Fall of Berlin 1945, by Antony Beevor...
...I could have died in a beating by Romanian thugs instigated by the Nazis...
...So much to remember...
...There was one truly insane woman sitting across from me who was drunk and shouting, but of course, she passed out as they always do...
...But in all of my life, I have never been in such a warm pool...
...I spoke at noon to the Exchange Club of Fort Smith...
...Back to "Wooden Ships": It's actually a song about a post-nuclear war world, and I saw a movie about a post-nuclear war world where it was on the sound track...
...I could have been mass marched to death in the snows of Poland...
...Scull...
...Mass rapes by the Russians against their German women "enemies" and lots of mass rapes by the Russians against their own women, Russian slave laborers and against Poles and other captured women...
...It is pretty damned depressing...
...Behind me, a large, developmentally challenged young woman with a nose ring kept shouting, "Save us, Jay-Sus...
...The pool, by the way, is heated to a sinfully high temperature...
...I put on my headphones and listened to what has become by far my favorite song this year: "Wooden Ships," originally written, I think, by Jefferson Airplane, but covered perfectly by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young...
...So, as I swim back and forth, I pray my prayers of thanks...
...The Republicans just took me there...
...She started to clap and shout, "Y'all got to clap, 'cuz Jay-Sus got us heresafe...
...It has been close to 35 years since I first heard that tune and it still brings tears to my eyes...
...It's about mass rape...
...BEN STEIN D1AR coming from the west towards Fort Smith but we should get in before them...
...DNC in a word...
...At DFW, a kindly American Airlines employee took pity on my gray hairs and drove me in a little cart to my bus for my trip to Fort Smith, Arkansas...
...and Mrs...
...It's the backbone of the nation, and it all starts with letting people be who they are...
...I love Arkansas...
...Well, enough reverie for this moment...
...I took off my headphones and picked up my book about the Battle of Berlin...
...I love Little Rock...
...You only need a bus if you go to a terminal where there are tiny little propeller Saab 340s...
...I could have died in a concentration camp...
...And now, to bed...
...Ben Stein is a writer, actor, lawyer, and economist in Beverly Hills and Malibu...
...That's a big difference...
...THURSDAY Tow, I AM SCARED...
...It's "Thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, God...
...Instead, I get to swim lazily back and forth in my pool on a glorious summer day...
...We didn't...
...Horrifying cruelty and violence on both sides, Germans and Soviets...
...Surprise...
...Plus, a tornado funnel was nearby and the airport was closed AND the tower had been evacuated...
...It is still going on in Africa...
...Oops...
...Insane crueltytowards women in particular...
...It's not about corporate "glass ceilings...
...Democrats would have argued with me about carbohydrates and saturated fat and processed sugar...
...Rape until the women are either dead or commit suicide...
...This is GOP vs...
...The GOP just lets you live your life...
...I stood at the open door of the plane...
...We ran into terrifying black clouds and blood curdling lightning strikes as we neared Fort Smith...
...But they did it and they carried out their duties magnificently...
...I was happy to be alive...
...It is always a thrill to think this is my life...
...FRIDAY HAT A DAY...
Vol. 37 • September 2004 • No. 7
