THE CONTINUING CRISIS
THE CONTINUING CRISIS R. EMMETT TYRRELL, JR. March ended as it always does with April Fools' Day, the feast day of so many American pop figures, from Mr. Michael Jackson, to Miss Britney Spears,...
...Jackson's burlesque took him to Capitol Hill for a meeting with the Black Caucus...
...Pee Wee Herman, who is actually Mr...
...Carlson is the CNN bad boy long suspected of philately and podomancy, owing to his repeated problems with drink...
...Tucker Carlson was again in the news...
...Sigmund Freud, six decades after the great dinkelspiel's passing...
...No one was hurt, but the officers found yet another bowling ball in Mr...
...Asked whom he would like to wallop, Mr...
...Paul Reubens, has again been found guilty of sexual irregularities, namely possessing obscene materials...
...In Brooklyn, New York, Mr...
...The meeting was inexplicably canceled at the last minute after a California grand jury commenced a review of Mr...
...He has a score of maladies all worthy of the scalpel or of heavy medication...
...There is more trouble in Walt Disney World, where the life-size character "Tigger" was charged with sexually fondling a 13-year-old girl and her mother simultaneously as they were having souvenir pictures taken of themselves...
...Tigger" is actually Mr...
...He granted an ill-conceived interview to Elle magazine wherein he asseverated that women "want to be listened to, protected, and amused...
...While visiting the Capitol, Mr...
...Yet in early March she fled London for Vienna, where she hoped to find THE CONTINUING CRISIS safety from a Portuguese stalker who had pestered her in London and stolen her underwear...
...Restrain yourself, Mr...
...MAY 2004 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...Jackson occasionally waved an Israeli flag, perhaps in celebration of an Israeli sharpshooter's direct hit on Sheik Ahmed Yassin, the founder of Hamas...
...Sean Hannity into retirement, made its debut in five cities including Portland, Oregon, and San Bernardino, California...
...After police found the testicles in their car, the young men admitted that they had committed the surgical process out of a sense of "fun...
...There were coup attempts in the Congo and Sudan, and in Russia Mr...
...Watch for the Bischinger Cook Book, and why not a Bischinger Diet to replace the Atkins Diet of unhappy memory...
...Just as Republicans kept Warren Gamaliel Harding on his Marion, Ohio front porch during the 1920 campaign and out of public eye, quite possibly the Democrats will keep their French-looking candidate in hospital for "periodic checkups" every time his poll numbers become detumescent as they did in March...
...He is Professor Doktor Friedrich Bischinger, the Innsbruck-based lung specialist, who is devoting his professional life to nose picking...
...Jackson's seven counts of committing lewd and lascivious acts upon a minor...
...By the end of the month the loud-mouth senator was checking himself into a hospital for shoulder surgery, and news 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MAY 2004 stories about his health suggested that this would not be the last time he was checked into a hospital or clinic...
...Michael Jackson, to Miss Britney Spears, and on to Senator John Francois Kerry, who is to politics what vichyssoise is to minestrone, namely very cold and very French...
...And they want to be spanked vigorously once in a while...
...The King of Pop did visit the offices of two members of the Caucus after passing security check points and a patting down that left him breathless...
...Yeltsin has devoted his sober moments to treating hangovers...
...Arriving eventually in Britain, the tall svelte fuliginous beauty became a sensation modeling for Revlon, Inc...
...Rush Limbaugh and Mr...
...From 1948 to 1980 she was Queen of the Netherlands...
...They read of his bellowing "I don't fall down" on the ski slopes where he had fallen six times and of his referring to one of his Secret Service agents as a "son of a bitch...
...In but a few days of exhibitionism the electorate saw the Massachusetts Braggart oafishly purchasing an athletic supporter (size large...
...Liberalism goes from strength to strength...
...My answers turned out to be as stupid as the questions, maybe more...
...Children's television star Mr...
...Tucker answered "Hillary...
...She remains unremarried...
...Vladimir Putin won more than 70 percent of the vote to capture his second term as president after replacing President Boris Yeltsin, the country's first freely elected president despite being a victim of Munchausen's Syndrome...
...Miss Dirie is the Somali beauty who ran away from home at the age of 13 after her father, Dahire, arranged her marriage to a much older man in exchange for five camels and a chicken...
...Martha Stewart was found guilty on all four counts of obstructing justice and lying...
...Since retiring from the presidency Mr...
...Air America Radio, the network envisaged by influential liberals to send Mr...
...She is Mrs...
...Finally—and triumphantly!—Austria has discovered a successor to Dr...
...Paulo A., pursued her to Vienna and broke into her apartment twice before police arrested the man—no word on her underwear...
...and lecturing on genital mutilation...
...John Francois Kerry's popularity at the polls, as the electorate got an improved sense of what this larger-than-life braggart is really like...
...Princess Juliana of the Netherlands died at age 94...
...Terrence Hope, a brain surgeon at Queens Medical Centre, was suspended after being charged with failing to pay for an extra helping of croutons at the hospital's no-nonsense cafeteria...
...Yet those testicles may not be as innocent as they seem...
...Carlson, the world is watching...
...And in a similar vein Mr...
...Unfortunately the stalker, known only as Mr...
...The colorful life of supermodel Miss Waris Dirie (pronounced dare-ee-yea) has taken on a desperate coda...
...Michael Chartrand, 36, who now insists that he cannot remember anything relating to the event...
...Doktor Friedrich Bischinger, the Innsbruckbased lung specialist, has devoted his professional life to nose picking...
...In Nottingham, England, Dr...
...Suicide bombings continued throughout the Middle East and spread to Spain, where it conduced to the election of a Spanish Neville Chamberlain...
...Al Franken, the network's star talkmeister, made many witticism about Miss Anne Coulter having to make water, though he grew pensive after a call from a listener who informed his audience that the White House had prior knowledge of the September 11 attacks...
...The conviction seems to be part of a worldwide trend against white collar crime...
...Later the bow-tied bad boy admitted to being "embarrassed," a euphemism perhaps for "soused...
...A later caller to Air America Radio opined to talk-show host Miss Randi Rhodes that National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice looked like a character from Planet of the Apes—more thoughtful moments...
...Miss Spears offered no opinion on the Spanish turnabout...
...In Rockhampton, Australia, four young rowdies have been fined heavily for removing the testicles from one of Rockhampton's famed bull statues...
...March witnessed the beginning of President George W. Bush's re-election campaign...
...Stiff's apartment...
...These are the thoughtful moments...
...The sharpshooter was firing a missile and all that remained of the misanthropic Sheik was his head...
...Julia Roberts, and whether she has Hollywood connections remains unclear...
...It also witnessed the decline of Sen...
...In Kings Mountain, North Carolina, a 96-year-old woman was charged with secreting crack cocaine in her wheelchair...
...Douglas Stiff, 69, was arrested in his 17th-floor apartment and accused of dropping a bowling ball at police...
...With the finger," notes the Innsbruck sage, "you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner...
...And nothing is to be wasted: "eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system," opines good old Friedrich...
...Professor Doktor Bischinger has become a convinced advocate of public nose picking and the salutary benefits that flow from consuming the delightful delicacies to be found in the proboscis, particularly if "dry...
Vol. 37 • May 2004 • No. 4
