THE CONTINUING CRISIS
JR., R. EMMETT TYRRELL.
February recedes and after the first week of March it is apparent that the Democrats have a frontrunner destined for their presidential nomination with only the Rev. Al Sharpton, the Hon. Dennis...
...On Ash Wednesday The Passion of the Christ was released in cinemas throughout the country, provoking manyvexed questions such as "Is it anti-Semitic...
...He may render combat service risible...
...Dennis Kucinich, and a heavily sedated Dr...
...Omar Bongo, is again in the news...
...Lest the dismissal be seen as evidence that the country is moving to the right, Herr T. was found guilty of displaying Nazi symbols and of insulting police...
...When arrested for shouting "Sieg Heil" at police and ordering his dog to "Do the salute," Herr T. was also wearing a T-shirt with a likeness of the late Chancellor Adolf Hitler, who remains a controversial figure in German history...
...Actually, Col...
...In Manson, Iowa, paramedic Mr...
...Withal, the French-looking senator is now in hot pursuit of our suave president, and with his he-man boasts, his soap opera snivels, and his bossy exasperated wife, he may yet achieve the hitherto unthinkable...
...Muammar al- Qaddafi has become a kind of neoconservative, serving to prove that the Bush administration's war against terror and former President Saddam Hussein has not gone all that badly...
...Waheed Mojda has written a 40,000-word account of the goofball religious practices of the Taliban...
...Omar believed, was "un-Islamic," even a camel...
...Meanwhile, Mr...
...The American tourist industry received a boost when as a consequence of Libya's dismantling of its nuclear arms program and other weapons of mass destruction (mustard gas) the United States ended its 23-year-old travel ban...
...It took Miss Santa Maria 12 days to get a flight out of the country, and then it had to be arranged by an international women's rights group...
...The Crisis continues...
...Any likeness of a living creature, the Rev...
...While on the subject of the Sunshine State, freedom of religion is under threat at a Miami courthouse...
...Hussein's loyal troglodytes blew themselves up, killing and maiming several hundred of their countrymen...
...Alessi "Babe" Cimino, the fabled police chief who retired in 2000 after 33 years of unsurpassed service to the force, and there at a family restaurant as many as 30 members of the force urinated on it before throwing it into the Passaic River...
...The environmental damage has yet to be precisely calculated, but officials are pi--ed...
...and "Is it true to the Biblical Text...
...Bongo lured her to leafy Gabon under false pretenses only to demand that she become his personal Monica Lewinsky...
...Still to be explained, however, is her father's declaration that the Braggart is a "sleazeball...
...Gabon's indefatigable 67-year-old president, Mr...
...Devi is the lunatic Indian taxi driver who, upon discovering that his vehicle's gearshift only worked in reverse, has been driving terrified fares around his native village in reverse for two years...
...Mojda also chronicles a believer's petition to the Taliban Supreme Court for permission to have his teeth pulled after a local cleric notified him that fillings drilled into the teeth by his dentist "would make my prayers and ablutions invalid...
...Wait until the United Nations General Assembly hears about this...
...Mojda as to how the Islamic fundamentalists conceived of the moral dilemmas posed by vibrating cell phones, but his researches do render plausible the recommendation of Israel's Rabbi Eliezer Fisher...
...At her hastily convened press conference, Miss Santa Maria went on to say that she told President Bongo, "I was not a prostitute, I was Miss Peru," a line that must have really cracked up the assembled journalists...
...In December he announced his plans to back his taxi across the India-Pakistan border in hopes of lessening tensions between the two countries, and apparently the scheme worked...
...Scott Kirkhart, a would-be Bill Clinton, was fired from his job after being charged with mishandling a corpse...
...Senator Kerry—also known as the Massachusetts Braggart—emerged from two months of primary contests having overcome all the usual Democratic calamities, to wit, fact checks that found him fibbing, embarrassing apologies for petty slurs, and even a naughty intern revelation that was thrust behind the arras after the intern said she knew him not...
...Good show, Harpreet...
...Members of the moron vote are the angry, stupid, political neurotics who proceed into middle age convinced that the world is against him/her, and that Vice President Al- Gore would be president if Florida had not made voting inhumanly complicated...
...Howard Dean still in the race...
...According to an unnamed security officer, Mr...
...During a nocturnal ceremony at a local restaurant, officers removed a plaque from police headquarters honoring Mr...
...Miss Ivette Santa Maria, 22, the reigning Miss Peru, claims that Mr...
...The voodoo dust has become a particular nuisance to allergy sufferers and to courtroom habitues who claim the grayish dust leaves them with onerous cleaning bills...
...One question that the grisly film rarely provoked, however, was, "After the movie, how about dinner...
...Harpreet Devi's tactic to bring peace to India and Pakistan has borne fruit...
...Mojda, an observant Mohammedan, reports that Taliban leader the Rev...
...In Kabul, Afghanistan, local historian Mr...
...Thus far there is no word from Mr...
...It is composed of such flotsam and jetsam as the born loser who ardently plays the lotto knowing full well that it is manipulated by the Bush family, the wretch whose last unemployment check was voided on by the dog, the illiterate graduate student at the state university...
...Late in February Indian and Pakistani officials announced a plan for peace negotiations, and they dubbed it a "basic road map...
...Rabbi Fisher is the rabbinical judge who has suggested that Muslim suicide bombers might be deterred from their homicidal entry into Heaven by hanging bags of pig fat in Israeli buses...
...Meanwhile in Iraq the Baathist opposition goes from strength to strength...
...The United States seems almost powerless to stop the self-immolation...
...The anointed one is Sen...
...John Pierre Kerry, the guitar-playing, hang-gliding, poetry-reading, bungeejumping, skydiving, hockey-playing fantasist from the United States Senate, who twice served in Vietnam—four months spent fighting for South Vietnam and then, stateside, fighting for North Vietnam...
...District Judge Patricia Seitz has apparently approved of the employment of a state-funded Voodoo Squad to patrol the chambers and halls of the courthouse and remove sacrificial chickens, roosters, goats, and voodoo powder that local adepts of Santeria believe will give them a supernatural leg-up when they appear in court...
...What Islamic Holy Roller would hazard contact with an "unclean" animal just seconds before his delightful plop into bed with the promised 70 virgins...
...In it Mr...
...In early March at least three of Mr...
...Scott grabbed a deceased woman's breasts and exclaimed "honk, honk...
...Ai...
...There, U.S...
...In Berlin authorities have dropped charges against a man identified only as Herr Ronald T., for training and ordering his German shepherd mix to give the stiff-arm Nazi salute to police officers...
...Thinking she was flown to leafy Gabon to help Mr...
...Mohamma Omar recoiled in horror when a Chinese diplomat handed him a toy camel...
...Bongo with his crossword puzzles, she was escorted to the presidential palace where the fabled leader "pressed a button and some sliding doors opened, revealing a large bed," Miss Santa Maria told members of the Gabonian press corps, many of whom doubtless had a good chuckle...
...Throughout the Democratic primaries psephologists have noted the emergence of a prominent new Democratic constituency, namely, the moron vote...
...Still the dust and even the chickens could become a factor in the fall elections, if Democrats learn of voodoo's numinous uses...
...Finally, there has been a deplorable episode of bad taste at the Garfield Police Department in Garfield, New Jersey...
Vol. 37 • April 2004 • No. 3
