THE CONTINUING CRISIS
THE CONTINUING CRISIS R. EMMETT TYRRELL, JR. December 2003 ended with the nation's terror alert elevated to level orange and Americans being urged to report unusual occurrences and suspicious...
...The admitted cannibal, Herr Armin Meiwes, is on trial in the liberal-leaning metropolis of Kassel for dismembering and dining on the flesh of an acquaintance who volunteered for the feast though he almost certainly had to know it would end badly...
...Rather than campaigning for votes the absurdist from 1968 seems to be campaigning for laughs, always at his own expense...
...Howard Dean will invite the couple to bring their famous taxi to this summer's Democratic National Convention...
...Bill Clinton, though Miss Monica Lewinsky made abrief appearance in the headlines when a three-judge panel denied her reimbursement for $1.1 million she sought as a consequence of her White House employment...
...As to Mr...
...John Pierre Kerry might not get through the first round of primaries...
...Jackson's melancholy sense...
...Osama bin Laden...
...Costing $17,000, the Orgasmatron promises to bring erotic fizz to the 32 percent of American women, who, according to the mild-mannered, somewhat idealistic physician, suffer frigidity and are a major contributor to erectile dysfunction (ED) even in American men of Latin heredity...
...Nonetheless, Mr...
...Naturally he will bring Mrs...
...Howard Dean, declared that the presumption of innocence be extended to the Rev...
...to the Rev...
...Michael Jackson remained free on bail even after his terrifying interview on CBS's 60 Minutes wherein he became the first American public figure to use the term "do-do" during an interview since President George Herbert Walker Bush—though the president was not using the term in Mr...
...A few days later Mr...
...Mcloy's invention, upon being surgically implanted into a woman's back, can induce immedi ate orgasm when activated by a hand-held remote control...
...The only damper on what otherwise is shaping up to be a delightful presidential campaign is the prospect that Sen...
...Devi along...
...The Democratic frontrunner also responded to an Iowa newspaper's request that he identify his "closest living relative serving in the armed services" by naming his brother who died in Laos in 1974 while vacationing in Laos—another of the beaming physician's refreshing departures from reality...
...Clinton's whereabouts, possibly he has gone to work for Lord & Taylor...
...Devi, who upon discovering two years ago that his gearshift only worked in reverse, took to driving his taxi in reverse, using only his rear-view mirror and an occasional glance over his boney shoulder to avoid pedestrians and cows...
...Dean might employ it in his peace plan for the Middle East...
...In December the party's leading contender for the nomination, Dr...
...On December 14 President Saddam Hussein made his long-awaited reappearance aboveground, surrounded by an honor guard from the U.S...
...As for the Democratic Party itself, its elites grew increasingly apprehensive that its flakiest potential presidential nominees might not be the Hon...
...Carol Moseley Braun, the Rev...
...In international sports news, Mr...
...John Pierre Kerry said President George W. Bush "intercoursed up" the war in Iraq (actually using the four-letter word for intercourse...
...The profanities now so popular with Democratic presidential candidates intent on demonstrating their human touch seem to have spread to Norway...
...Joe Namath demonstrated the irenic potential of alcohol by repeatedly slurring on ESPN's half-time show "I want to kiss you" to the callipygian ESPN sports announcer, Miss Suzy Kolb ar...
...Apparently there are "no health risks associated with cats and humans using the same toilet...
...In fact, literary scholars interviewed by AmSpec confirm that in world history Mr...
...Special Forces, and after apparently undergoing a Karl Marx makeover...
...For now the Orgasmatron will only be prescribed for women and perhaps ambiguously sexed men, but as enlightenment spreads and PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) grows in political clout Orgasmatrons could be fitted to household pets, which is all very auspicious so long as those hand-held remote controls do not fall into the wrong hands...
...As tensions relaxed between India and Pakistan, India's celebrity taxi driver, Mr...
...And in America, retired football great Mr...
...Meloy is the inventor of the Orgasmatron, a device similar in size to a pacemaker...
...bin Lad.en...
...Stuart Meloy of Winston-Salem, North Carolina...
...Yet those who have followed the Democratic presidential candidates recognize that the wily Iraqi politico could be sending a message to the Democratic Party's Marxist wing or to the Yale Law School whose faculty might be willing to defend him pro bono in any ensuing legal proceedings...
...American pundits claimed that Mr...
...Harpreet Devi, hailing from idyllic Bhatinda, announced plans to drive his vehicle across India's border with Pakistan bearing a message of peace and friendship...
...Jackson is the first person ever to use the term in this way...
...December 2003 ended with the nation's terror alert elevated to level orange and Americans being urged to report unusual occurrences and suspicious persons...
...Mark Hogg's record by swallowing 200 live worms in 20 seconds...
...That is the finding of a cutting-edge engineering firm, Evolve Products, which has won Pet Products News' 2003 Editor's Choice Award for the development of a toilet seat that household cats can use alternately with their owners...
...Now a Norwegian judge has justified such language by acquitting a man who publicly applied to a police officer a rude word for anus...
...8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR FEBRUARY 2004 THE CONTINUING CRISIS In Germany legal experts are again confronted with a case of cannibalism and its attendant challenge to the German criminal code: Cannibalism, is it illegal in Germany?We know it is tasteless, even in a country famed for its pigs' knuckles, but illegal...
...Ina December Rolling Stone interview Sen...
...Wesley Clark said he would "kick the fecal matter" out of the president (actually using the four-letter word for fecal matter...
...If they cross the Indian border without mishap, possibly Dr...
...Al Sharpton or even Congressman Dennis Kucinich...
...FEBRUARY 2004 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...Finally, in Missing Persons news, the month elapsed with no major sightings of Mr...
...Before the trial had entered its second week the German chapter of PETA sent Herr Meiwes a vegetarian cookbook and a basket of disgusting veggie burgers and tofu, reminding the world once again that German humor is no laughing matter...
...In December, Dr, Howard Dean declared that the presumption of innocc:n.ce be extended...
...Hussein's shaggy beard and bushy locks indicated that he was disguising his features out of fear that he might have fallen from favor with the Iraqi public...
...And in an apparently unrelated story a case of Mad Cow Disease was detected in Washington state...
...An advertisement for that swank retail chain announced that the company's "bra-fit specialists" would be on duty daily, specializing in products by Bali, Warner's, Olga, Jockey, and Barely There—all favorites with the former president...
...On December 8 President George W. Bush signed a $400 billion, ten-year Medicare prescription drug bill to the vexation of libertarian conservatives—but none too soon for Dr...
...It is publicly known," the judge observed perhaps with our Democratic contenders in mind, "that the description asshole has been used in public on a high political level...
...Earlier in the month this eminent pop star provoked a feeding frenzy among the experts on cable news when he was indicted on multiple charges of taking indecent liberties with an underage fan...
...Ismail Hamzah of Malaysia killed 1,175 rats with his homemade slingshot...
...C. Manoharan of Chennai, India, broke American Mr...
...After covering 7,500 miles through Bhatinda and outlying regions, often at speeds up to 25 mph, the husband and wife team have become known to India's millions as "the reverse couple...
...The judges' finding was rare in that it contained no double entendres on sex, telephone sex, cigar sex, or any of the other lewdness associated with her White Houses duties...
Vol. 37 • February 2004 • No. 1
