THE CONTINUING CRISIS
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
THE CONTINUING CRISIS R. EMMETT TYRRELL, JR. October deliquesces into November and one of the great comic interludes of American politics hath vamoosed. Senator Jean-Francois Kerry has been...
...The cats are civet cats living in Sumatra where they consume coffee beans that are then picked from their excreta and shipped to Holland where they sell for $28 an ounce, presumably to cat lovers...
...Stewart took as a slight against his manhood...
...That, of course, reminds those of us afflicted with memories that he lost both houses of Congress for the Democrats in the 1990s and many elective seats at the state level...
...Osama bin Laden appeared on alJazeera, the former Arab easy-listening station...
...Now Evans, proceed carefully away from that cactus and congratulations to both you and Professor Tribe...
...The FBI reported a 4 percent decrease in violent crime over the past year, and on October 25 Chief Justice Mr...
...He will be missed, as will his unhinged wife...
...But the citizenry in the red states remembers...
...He threatened to kill them and scrawled "911" on the blackboard...
...Spitzer, who held another of his Fidel Castro-like public diatribes, instilling fear into bathroom goers throughout the city and a few snickers in the press corps...
...There has been another attempt to keep God from the classroom...
...There it pays to void in public...
...Just days after announcing that from November 8 the dollar would no longer be legal tender in Cuba, President Fidel Castro fell off a stage, breaking an arm and a leg...
...The Rev...
...Jessica Durham allegedly gave her 18month-old daughter a "bong pipe" filled with cannabis to assist the child in sleep...
...University of Louisiana professor Dr...
...bin Laden's appearance seemed to be in support of Senator Jean-Francois Kerry though he was wearing a pink gown reminiscent of Mrs...
...Speaking of bottoms, CNN's Mr...
...None were found, but enough pathogens were discovered for public health officials to fly him off to Paris where he was greeted by his wife, Suha (the Arabic equivalent of "Tammy"), who accompanied him to the French military hospital where after 13 days of French medical artistry he died, inciting gangs of sympathizers to pray for him in Islam's familiar "bottoms up" manner...
...George Soros hoped it might triumph, Alaska...
...Seventeenyear-old Mr...
...No fingerprints were found on his person...
...Truth be known, the Democrats lost in every state where he campaigned except Pennsylvania...
...Soros can remain active in politics...
...Hillary Rodham Clinton's appearance in pink during her famed Whitewater press conference...
...Rarely has American politics heaved up such a ham, though there was the Hon...
...No word yet on Sheik Abdul's assessment of those worrisome vibrating cell phones...
...Could he have been sending Clintonites a message...
...William Jennings Bryan way back when and Mr...
...They lost at least three seats in the House of Representatives and four in the Senate...
...The Boston Red Sox won the World Series...
...Both of whom were brought to us by a deceased Republican's money...
...In the box was a note saying he had won $6,000 offered by a local radio in a treasure hunt...
...The Republic's wits and sages will miss the football-throwing, wind-surfing, snow-boarding, bicycling, bungee-jumping Democratic messiah—he of the perfect chin, the glorious hair, the orange suntan, who b.s.-ed his way across the country, galvanizing fact-checkers everywhere...
...Later in the month Mr...
...And who will forget this delightful candidate's rhetorical bequest to Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it...
...Welcome to this growing literary movement, Mr...
...Tribe, who was also Mr...
...Spitzer has stepped in, so to speak...
...Bill Clinton and his lovely wife, Bruno...
...Actually those credentials are not mentioned...
...Al Gore's lawyer in the 2000 presidential election con...
...In embattled Ramallah, Chairperson Yasser Arafat underwent exploratory surgery in late October, presumably in search of explosives and small arms...
...Karl Rove, a Mormon...
...Louis Houston was banned from campus and incarcerated after he confided to his physics class that he was God—and not the easy-going God of the New Testament...
...TWo venerable tyrants had a bad month...
...Durham was arrested, but at least now Mr...
...Back in the States, New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer continues his campaign against malefactors of great wealth...
...William Rehnquist announced that he has a serious cancer...
...Professor Tribe joined Dr...
...The only truly original aspect of Professor Tribe's book was its title, which probably was the work of his editor...
...44 DECEMBER 2004/JANUARY 2005 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...The departure sets the stage for the return of the Hon...
...Carlson, known as Happy Bottom by the cognoscenti, suffered a fierce thrashing from the comic anchor of The Daily Show, Mr...
...Homosexual marriage was defeated in the 11 states where it was on the ballot, and even legalized marijuana was beaten back in the one state that pot-pusher Mr...
...In Saudi Arabia, Sheik Abdul Aziz bin Abdullah Al al-Sheik, Ph.D., issued an edict banning cell phones with cameras after accusing them of "spreading obscenity...
...Senator Jean-Francois Kerry has been overwhelmed by our debonair President George W. Bush and his treacherous counselor, Mr...
...On his moribund CNN program, Crossfire, Mr...
...Jon Stewart...
...Adnan al-Ghoul, a founder of Hamas's military wing, respected for its prowess in killing women and children by weaponizing women and children, went poof after being hit by two Israeli missiles as his car traveled at high speed through Gaza—still more proof that in Gaza it is best to abide by the speed limit...
...There was worse news ahead for the Democrats in the November elections...
...No sooner had Jean-Francois headed to the showers than the pundits began speculating on Senator Clinton's formidable presidential credentials: accusations of lying to grand juries, real-estate fraud, a very dirty mouth around the servants, and serving as long-time enabler to her husband, an accused rapist...
...At Harvard Law School, Professor Laurence Tribe has lent his considerable prestige to America's newest literary movement, the New Plagiarists...
...Carlson impulsively admitted to Mr...
...Tucker Carlson was again in the news...
...Claiming that lavatory attendants even in some of New York's poshest public facilities are underpaid and denied their gratuities, Mr...
...The former president worked his magic on the campaign trail, engauding the legend cherished among liberals that he is an unsurpassed political campaigner...
...Soros did have one victory...
...The fracas began when the cheeky Mr...
...After several barbed rejoinders the faux journalist called the journalist manqué "a dick," to the consternation of Crossfire's other host, Professor Paul ("The Skull") Begala...
...Coffee made from cat droppings is again available in Holland...
...Royal Flush has declined comment, but not the garrulous Mr...
...Consider moving to Kenya...
...Couldhe have the same wasting effect on the lovely Bruno...
...Stewart that "We're here to love you," a thrust that the family-oriented Mr...
...Doris Kearns Goodwin, Professor Charles Ogletree, the late Stephen Ambrose, and others when it was reported that he repeatedly dipped into a 1974 book, Justices and Presidents by Professor Henry J. Abraham, for his 1985 book, God Save This Honorable Court...
...The Massachusetts Braggart committed every folly in the macho male's repertoire save pointing to the bulge under his codpiece...
...Evans Kamande was urinating in a public park when he found a box lodged in the fork of a cactus...
...His college-boy b.s.-ing included howlers about his Vietnam service (actually he served both sides and was given an otherthan-honorable discharge in the end) along with whoppers about meeting with the United Nations Security Council before the Iraq war and receiving encouragement from anonymous European leaders...
...There is another opening at the top for ambitious young members of Hamas...
...In Montana Ms...
...Aaron Burr...
...Days before the American election a somewhat more reasonable Rev...
...Carlson again made headlines when a deranged deer struck his CNN limo, 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR DECEMBER 2004/JANUARY 2005 THE CONTINUING CRISIS leaving him shaken and in need of still more counseling...
...He has filed a suit against one of the city's largest employers of these drudges of the toilet, Royal Flush...
...One of his filched passages ran on for 19 words and shorter plagiarisms were equally unacknowledged...
Vol. 37 • December 2004 • No. 10
