LAST CALL: Exercising Caution
Chapman, Steve
LAST CALL STEVE CHAPMAN Exercising Caution I WAS LYING ON A TABLE in a crowded emergency room hazardous 's the to sedentary my health. It life, we all know, that's sup posed to be...
...I've endured numerous treatments over the years for back trouble (weight training...
...Steve Chapman is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune...
...Last fall, I went on the disabled list with a recurrent injury to my left Achilles tendon, another byproduct of running...
...A couple of years ago, needing a wintertime activity, I and my family took up downhill skiing...
...If you're not a skier, you may think of it as a perilous pastime, fit only for the reckless...
...Yes, the onetime Duchess of York and current Weight Watchers spokeswoman is an avid skier...
...Saturday, I was in that emergency room again...
...Actually, I'm about as competitively inclined as a turtle basking on a sunny rock, and only slightly more active...
...I had escaped the clutches of the medical-industrial complex for less than 48 hours before being reeled back in like a gullible fish...
...A dislocated finger (Sunday morning softball) required not only trips to the orthopedic surgeon but a couple of dozen sessions with a hand therapist...
...Moderation in exercise, however, has not been a formula for good health...
...When I see a teenager wearing a T-shirt that says "No fear," I ponder the commercial possibilities of a line of apparel aimed sporting the slogan, "Sensible prudence...
...Yet the healthier my habits, the more frequent my visits to the doctor...
...I finished with it on a Thursday...
...My specialist-of-the-month put me in an orthopedic boot for three months...
...Each time I strain this or break that, I tell myself it's a fluke—that I'll really live longer and feel better if I keep moving...
...I harbor torn cartilage in one knee (running...
...But rest assured, I never feel the slightest temptation to extend the workout to a truly grueling length—say, 21 minutes...
...So how is it you could mistake my medical history for a professional bullrider's...
...80 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR DECEMBER 2003/JANUARY 2004...
...So I make an effort to avoid settling one day last winter when I had an epiphany: fitness is into sloth...
...You won't hurt your Achilles tendon," he assured me, with a smile that now seems faintly diabolical...
...The end of my right collarbone was sawed off to relieve chronic pain (throwing, lifting...
...Never mind that a lifetime of experience indicates that my body would feel a lot younger if I'd just learn to practice idleness...
...It life, we all know, that's sup - posed to be lethal...
...My idea of suicidal abandon is riding a bike without a helmet...
...Yes, I get my 20 minutes of aerobic activity three times a week, because that's what cardiologists prescribe for those of us who intend to live forever...
...And I was on a beginner slope...
...I sleep better in an MRI machine than my own bed...
...President Bush should be under no illusions: America's health care costs will not be brought under control as long as I'm allowed to keep my membership at the gym...
...Friday was lovely beyond words...
...That's what I was doing when I sustained the shoulder separation that landed me in the hospital...
...You may think this physical toll is the predictable consequence of my fanatical obsession with athletic competition...
...I've been X-rayed more times than Yasser Arafat's carry-on bag...
...But that's silly: exercise will probably kill me first...
...I run up so many medical bills that, any day, I expect to get a letter from my insurance company offering to cut my rates if I will just agree to stay on the couch in front of the TV with a beer in one hand and a jumbo bag of chips in the other...
...I should have been suspicious when my doctor cheerfully approved my ski trip...
...In terms of risk to life and limb, it ranks somewhere between Ping-Pong and pickup basketball...
...If so, I have two words: Sarah Ferguson...
...Yet here I was, awaiting the care of medical professionals, and not for the first time...
...I have visions of me at age 110—boasting clear arteries and a sturdy heart but mainlining morphine for all my aches and pains...
...I spent months being worked on by a physical therapist and then a chiropractor for an irritated nerve in my hip (weight training again...
...I do all the things health experts preach: keep my weight down, avoid tobacco, alcohol, illegal drugs, and women to whom I am not married, exercise regularly, eat enough fruits and vegetables to choke a hippo...
Vol. 36 • December 2003 • No. 7
