The Continuing Crisis
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
THE CONTIN SPRING DISROBES INTO SUMMER, and in the Middle East Muslim pietists continue to turn themselves into firecrackers. In late spring they spread their pyrotechnics from Israel to Riyadh,...
...RET nexus with the Playboy philosophy, a connection that heretofore has attracted little attention even from Western scholars such as the indefatigable Professor Bernard Lewis and Mr...
...Michael Ledeen...
...Juan Raasch, a chicken farmer and plucker in rural Perquenco, forty of his best chickens were mysteriously disemboweled while he slept in another room...
...He has been sentenced to six years hard labor, though what could be harder than being married to twenty-three teenagers...
...adumbrating a revival of al-Qaeda, the primitive Islamic terrorist group founded by the Reverend Osama bin Laden and various sheiks in a downtown Kabul cave...
...According to the teachings of the Reverend bin Laden, the truly faithful Muslim is a flunky who should be blown up, rammed into a skyscraper, or set afire at the least provocation...
...Geraldo Rivera, Fox News's Hemingwayesque correspondent to the Three-Week War, announced that he would take his fourth lawfully wedded wife in an unnamed synagogue because, according to the soft-spoken crank, "I think the Jews need me right now...
...Bloomberg is trendily ambivalent about cannabis, but not about lethal tobacco...
...All Islamic radicals adhere to what might be called the Big Bang version of Islam, and given the attention they have attracted from the Coalition of the Willing, plus the low life expectancy of their flunkies, the Big Bang version's longevity is probably comparable to that of the Christian Shakers...
...Josef Mengele...
...His indictment includes charges of gross negligence, wire fraud, and withholding from the FBI significant information, namely that he and Mrs...
...Other Islamofascists who hold this utilitarian view of their co-religionists are the lofties of Hammas and Hezbollah, most of whom die of old age or obesity—unless, of course, they attract too much attention from Israeli intelligence or a cuckolded neighbor...
...In his brief tenure Mr...
...Also eulogized in recent Times obits was Mr...
...Moreover, reports the revised obit, the Reverend Ahmad had not "reinterpreted the Muslim concept of jihad" to be peaceful, but merely "understood" it to be peaceful...
...Said the pious Mr...
...Leung (whose FBI code name was "Parlor Maid," a moniker sure to offend feminists) appears in photographs as a bespectacled lump of a woman, reportedly when she removes those thick-lensed nippers she is transformed from dowdy matron into a gyroscopic sex machine raging with fiery passions and unspeakable delights...
...Michael Bloomberg, the Democrat elected as a Republican to replace Mayor Rudolph Giuliani...
...Leung maintained a twenty-year-old sexual relationship without benefit of Viagra...
...Los Angeles "businesswoman" Mrs...
...On that day the paper's famed obituary page printed a twelve-paragraph correction of a shamefully inaccurate May 7 obituary to the Reverend Hadrat Mirza Tahir Ahmad, spiritual leader of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Movement & fund-raising project...
...The Shakers extinguished themselves by practicing strict celibacy and making rustic furniture...
...MEANWHILE IN NEW YORK CITY there has appeared what might be called a Suicide Mayor, that being Mr...
...The celibacy of, say, al-Qaeda's adepts is in doubt as many are known before they go up in smoke to frequent porn palaces and brothels filled with unsanitary ladies...
...His arrest is seen locally as part of a crackdown on Islamic fundamentalism's peculiar Alleged Republican Bloombe new reformatory f 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR • JUNE/JULY 2003 DING CRISIS nveils a scale model of Manhattan's nrepentant smokers...
...And there are already excellent results at the New York Times following the Times's unexpected sacrifice of Mr...
...Radhakant Bajpai, the Indian green grocer who established a new record for growing the longest ear hair in the world, over five inches...
...USS Abraham Lincoln off the coast of San Diego aboard a combat jet, wearing a smile on his face and bearing not even one White House scandal...
...Actually the movement numbers 180 million...
...Jayson Blair, the twenty-seven-year-old affirmative action prodigy fired by the Times after it was revealed that he was a serial plagiarist and fabricator and heavy smoker...
...WHILE ON THE SUBJECT OF IRAQ, coalition forces patrolling the liberated countryside continued to find mass graves and dungeons in what now appears to have been a client state of France and Germany...
...And may He be as kind to Sidney...
...Oh yes, and the Times admitted to being off by a factor of nine in its original estimate of the Reverend Ahmad's following...
...In May the Suicide Mayor raised the city's personal income tax to levels not seen since the Weimar days of Mayor John Lindsay...
...Blair, the fallen New York Times reporter, signed with a literary agent to sell publishing and movie rights to his life and death...
...Titled The Clinton Wars (though we here at AMSPEC might better have titled it The Clinton Exposés), the tortured tome is 800-pages long and might yet be submitted to the Guinness Book of Records as the world's longest recorded lie...
...Fears of an upshot in anti-Semitism grew when Mr...
...Now he has banned cigarettes and, despite fiscal crisis, raised an army of cigarette police to patrol restaurants and bars for whiffs of noncannabis smoke—Mr...
...In mid-May Times editors promised to raise their standards of accuracy to the utmost, and on May 17 the utmost was reached...
...As for the furniture they might create, there never will be a large antique market for torture chairs...
...The other FBI agent she carried on with, William Cleveland, Jr., has yet to be indicted, possibly because he is in no condition to testify after those torrid years in Mrs...
...From the Lincoln, our suave leader declared the military phase of Washington's presence in Iraq over...
...ENVIRONMENTALISTS ARE MAKING great strides in Chile, where to impede the pollution of rivers by poultry farmers they apparently have employed local vampires...
...According to Mr...
...But the strangest thing was that there was no trace of any animal that could have done it...
...God has been very kind to me...
...Leung's "handler"), has also been indicted...
...Fawzi Mahmud al-Bahawi's youth movement was jeopardized when he was jailed after it was discovered that he had married twenty-three teenage girls...
...Rather, Jesus "swooned on the cross" before departing for India, giving up tobacco and spending the next ninety blissful years jogging, popping vitamins, and avoiding the sun...
...It is a quasi-religious tract...
...Bajpai: "Making it to the Guinness records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family...
...GROUP LAUGHING IS BEING USED in the Brazilian metropolis of Fortaleza to treat patients suffering from depression, stress, and diabetes...
...In late spring they spread their pyrotechnics from Israel to Riyadh, Casablanca, and Chechnya...
...Leung's vicelike grip—more later...
...It was a horrible scene?' he told a reporter from El Diario Austral...
...Finally, congratulations to Mr...
...No, more likely they sought out vampires...
...James J. Smith (wryly referred to in FBI documents as Mrs...
...Charles Douglas, ninety-three, inventor of TV's laugh track...
...IN PUBLISHING NEWS MR...
...Jaqueline Sales, the jovial advocate of this therapy, reports that she is having success merely by bringing patients together for "paper fights" and "karaoke sessions," and she has yet to try public readings of the Congressional Record or postings from Miss Barbra Streisand's Web site...
...Sidney Blumenthal, published his White House insider's account of life at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue during the late 1990s when Monica was on the rampage and the Reverend Osama bin Laden was sticking his tongue out at the Boy President...
...Katrina Leung was indicted for passing classified documents to Beijing whilst carrying on sexual affairs with two FBI agents, one of whom, Mr...
...And perhaps the most gifted creative writer of the them all, Mr...
...Though Mrs...
...Local farmers have not ruled out aliens as being responsible for the avicide, but would the agents of Greenpeace ever enter into contractual relations with extraterrestrials...
...though he has been president for two and a half years and exposed to all the lascivious temptations, fundraising possibilities, and contacts with the Chinese intelligence that that high office entails...
...In Cairo, Egypt, fifty-eight-year-old Mr...
...Bloomberg has raised levies on property, water, sales transactions, and cigarettes...
...Contrary to the paper's May 7 account, Jesus had not "feigned death on the cross and escaped to India where he died at age one hundred twenty...
...Still there are no signs of Saddam Hussein or his playboy sons, but do not rule out that they are skiing in the French Alps, even as the late Adolf Hitler was thought for two decades to be cultivating orchids in Argentina with Dr...
...Members of the Baathist wing of the Democratic Party were infuriated by President George W. Bush's landing on the JUNE/JULY 2003 • THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...Former president Bill Clinton understandably shied away from mentioning dignity or honor, but America's last wartime president of the twentieth century did remind Americans that the Three-Week War was no Sudanese aspirin factory...
...That provoked Senator Robert Byrd to appraise the landing undignified and dishonorable...
...STEPHEN GLASS, the New Republic writer fired from the magazine five years ago for fabricating dozens of stories, came out with his long-awaited novel, felicitously titled, The Fabulist...
Vol. 36 • June 2003 • No. 3
