The Continuing Crisis
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
GEORGE W. BUSH'S THIRD SPRING IN OFFICE arrives, and still the most physically fit president in modern times has yet to appear in public jogging in his underpants a la Bill Clinton or passing out...
...IN OTHER NEWS, THE REPUBLICAN-controlled Congress continued to shove Bush II's tax-reduction package into law...
...FINALLY THE 75TH ANNUAL ACADEMY Awards celebrated themselves with the usual self-promotion and philistinism led by Mr...
...RET...
...It's going to be terrifying...
...Dustbin Hoffman, and the pulchritudinous Miss Elizabeth Taylor, Mr...
...Moreover the coalition's armed forces were a feeble thing, as Hollywood thespian Mr...
...According to the Bull's-Eye Strategy, Iraq's frugally armed military presents itself as a bull's-eye to invaders until they give up from sheer boredom or from having no more Iraqi targets to destroy...
...Estrada is not Hispanic at all but actually Japanese...
...He did order American troops to attack peaceful Iraq, the leading pharmaceutical manufacturer in the Arab world, in defiance of M. Jacques Chirac, the transvestite president of France, and the entire leadership of the American Democratic Party, including Dr...
...Clinton's Secret Service is unprepared for such an earthy eventuality...
...And Miss Taylor said terrorists are "going to bomb the s out of us...
...Supposedly the idea was that the closer the journalists were to troops in combat the more amiably they would report the war...
...Howard Dean, the party's foreign policy expert, and Mr...
...What actually happened was that the closer the journalists got to combat the more they hogged the show until it appeared that the real warriors were the good-looking young men with plastic hair and camera crews...
...Unfortunately, the heroic gesture lost some of its drama when Mr...
...What would be left of Elizabeth Taylor if she were without her s...
...The ladies also used paint to cover what the press was pleased to call their private parts, though Arkansans familiar with the gals had known them as public accommodations...
...GEORGE W. BUSH'S THIRD SPRING IN OFFICE arrives, and still the most physically fit president in modern times has yet to appear in public jogging in his underpants a la Bill Clinton or passing out in a foot race a la Jimmy Carter...
...Michael Jackson's beauty consultant, Mr...
...Emergency medical staff freed the man and his valuables, but even Mr...
...Mason with bolt cutters and bid him return to Hollywood for further orders...
...Meanwhile in Afghanistan and along the Pakistani border American Justice Department sleuths and other intelligence professionals persisted in hunting down the Reverend Osama bin Ladin, though THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR has repeatedly asseverated that the former playboy known in Europe in the 1960s as Harry Bin Laden is serving as crepes suzettes for the worms...
...Along with such other famed antiwar Hollywoodians as Mr...
...The term is a neologism for journalists traveling with our troops, not actually having intercourse with them, which would be immoral...
...All quite understandable...
...As FOR THE IRAQIS, for the second time in a little over a decade they confounded the attacking Americans with their innovative Bull's-Eye Strategy (BES...
...Sean Penn, Mr...
...Neither Miss Jane Fonda nor Miss Gloria...
...Clooney chided President Bush for his old-fashioned concepts...
...Miguel Estrada's nomination as the first Hispanic American to the U.S...
...I believe he [President George W Bush] thinks this is a war that can be won," Mr...
...Clooney opined, "but there is no such thing anymore...
...The Democratic minority in the Senate continued to filibuster against Mr...
...George Clooney observed at the outset: "You can't beat your enemy anymore through wars...
...Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia, despite the editor in chief of this intellectual review's finding reported in his nationally syndicated column that Mr...
...They might as well have been smoking cigars as an anti-tobacco gesture...
...General ignorance was on stage in abundance but nowhere more evident than when the antiwar Hollywoodians flashed Sir Winston Churchill's V for victory sign, thinking it was a peace sign...
...In Fayetteville, Arkansas, a score of naked ladies aged eighteen to seventy-one painted their bodies with antiwar slogans and blocked traffic...
...The media covered the conflict using a modern terminological breakthrough, "embedded" journalists...
...The Crisis veers off toward the absurd—as always...
...Jody Mason protested the war by chaining himself to what he thought was the local office of the Department of Energy...
...The French government did relent in its refusal to assist the war effort and sent a crack unit trained in chemical inspection, a dozen soigné salesgirls from the perfume counter at Les Galerie Lafayette...
...Mason discovered that he had chained himself to the wrong building and then lost the key to his lock...
...IN OTHER NEWS, AL-QAEDA LEADER Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of 9/11, was roused from his slumbers in Rawalpindi, Pakistan, by Pakistani intelligence operatives and paraded before the press after Pakistani and American intelligence experts shamelessly faked his appearance to make the austere Islamic holy man appear in photos as a fat hairy salesman of pornographic videos...
...Larger demonstrations were held abroad, in foreign capitals such as Paris, Berlin, and San Francisco...
...Larry Flynt, the party's cultural minister...
...An amused police officer freed Mr...
...A report from Bochun, Germany, has caused alarm amongst members of former president Bill Clinton's Secret Service detail...
...Steinem attended...
...Unfortunately, the Americans and their British allies are not easily bored, and they had been provided with hundreds of targets, perhaps the most delectable of which were the numerous presidential palaces built by the innovative devisor of BES, President Sad-dam Hussein, the Viagra-popping champion of moderate Islam...
...Back in the United States, FBI operatives began arresting harmless Arab-born graduate students with names such as Adnan G. el-Shukrijumah and Abdul Menopause Berzerk, the former being portrayed as an al-Qaeda member with a new 9/11 in mind and the latter being another of AMSPEC's tasteless jokes...
...In Bucharest, Romania, one hundred members of the International Congress of White Witches gathered to cast a spell on Iraq's invaders...
...Most of the gals only had room on their backs for the slogan "No War," but some were so plentifully upholstered with flab that they could have painted their backs with the entire Kellogg-Briand Treaty...
...In Olympia, Washington, Mr...
...The attacks began in March despite former president Carter's assurance to London's Daily Mirror that the whole thing was going to be handled by the United Nations: "Obviously Saddam Hussein will have to comply with the revelation and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction...
...Late in March a forty-year-old Bochun man made an emergency call to police, telling them that his male member was stuck in the suction tube of his vacuum cleaner...
...THE ANGLO-AMERICANS' TREACHEROUS assault on President Saddam brought out the best in the international peace movement...
...Michael Moore ranting that "we live in fictitious times," which is, if "fictitious" and "times" still have meaning, an impossibility...
Vol. 36 • March 2003 • No. 2
