I Might Be A Giant
Baker, Hunter
t was with a mixture of fascination / and amusement that I watched my moderately overweight lunch partner dive into his cooler with both hands. He displayed the grace of a seasoned magician as he...
...He began by dipping his plastic fork into the mayonnaise and then used the coated fork to dig out a mouthful of corned beef...
...By the time you reach the limits there, say a 10X shirt with a neck the size of a manhole and size 70 pants, you're probably trapped in your bedroom waiting for a visit from Richard Simmons and a television crew...
...In truth, I have been like the France of dieters, constructing easily breached walls and living in a near constant state of surrender...
...I'm sure every plus-size male remembers the day when he finally threw out all of his pants with waist sizes below 42, sent his extra-large shirts to Goodwill, and took the courageous leap into the secret world of big and tall...
...But if you avoid a total collapse, it can be great fun to inhabit the lower registers of big-man fashion...
...The last time I went to a men's store and asked for the portly cut, the salesman put his hand on my shoulder and smiled with compassion as he gently corrected me...
...I knew things had gotten out of hand when I found myself seriously considering the jogging-suit wardrobe made famousby a series of hefty rappers...
...a glass cylinder filled with plump olives...
...Looking for a pair of pants to comfortably encircle your substantial waist...
...Try 3X through 10X, my good man...
...To a man, they are all super-heavyweights and very nonjudgmental, for they also bear the stretch marks of having loved Chinese buffet too well...
...Having made the decision to exit the mainstream of American fashion, you may travel to an amazing, undiscovered country where they sell clothing made for giants...
...In big-and-tall world you will find waist sizes covering up to 70 inches, enough to clothe the equator itself...
...You mean the 'executive' cut, don't you sir...
...Together it made sense only as a foray into the nearly all-protein Atkins diet...
...The amazing thing is how gracefully the "large-and-incharge" types manage to pull off the look that combines a jogging suit (in which no actual running is done) with a floppy hat, lots of gold, and sunglasses into a smart, marketable image...
...No amount of self-delusion permitted me to believe such duds would work on a sandy-haired, middle-class white guy with talents running more toward earning graduate degrees than laying down cool grooves and singing the praises of tawdry females wearing thong underwear...
...Of course, you must be wary of the hidden dangers in such a paradise...
...Given the expression on his face, the corned beef compound may well have tasted exactly like that which it resembled...
...Call me a hypocrite if you want, but surely the "executive cut" is the product of market forces rather than the constant bleating of the sensitivity police...
...Cinderella slipping her foot into the glass slipper had nothing on me sliding into that perfectly fitting coat...
...XL...
...Unlike my high-protein, low-carbohydrate friend, I have yet to make a total commitment to winning the war against flab...
...The clothing issue inevitably led me tobig houses of style where they sell forgiveness in fabric...
...Some people need limits to help them order their lives, but you won't find them in Giant Land...
...I can't prove it, but I'm fairly certain that a large smile broke over my jowls the first time I saw the sport coat that was made for me-52 Portly...
...and a can of chunk tuna packed in olive oil...
...I didn't ask...
...In this age, the Atkins dieter takes his rightful place next to the professional athlete and the fertility-seeking woman in the trinity of urine testing...
...We usually enjoyed brisk conversation during our meals together, but my concentration was severely hampered by his efforts to consume the bizarre lunch...
...I think I've finally found a use for political correctness...
...And the salesmen in such places...
...He displayed the grace of a seasoned magician as he brought forth a bizarre collection of foods: a square can of corned beef with accompanying church key for unrolling the tin seal...
...a plastic bag filled with moist iceberg lettuce leaves...
...a jar of Kraft mayonnaise...
...Oh yes, that's exactly what I meant to say...
...For all the world, it appeared to be a genteel method of eating dog food...
...Since that magical day, things have gotten even better...
...First of all, you risk plunging further into the world of heft, as you make all you can of your newfound freedom...
...Later he excused himself for a date with his own personal urinalysis kit, designed to determine whether the carbo-fast had successfully induced ketosis...
Vol. 36 • March 2003 • No. 2
