The Continuing Crisis
tyrell, R. Emmett
"The Continuing Crisis" LATE SUMMER 2002 evanesces into history, after having proven to be a public relations calamity for eco-freaks everywhere, especially the arboreally excitable. For instance, there is...
...but even their ignorance might not save them from legal consequences...
...In August and July they burst into flame, bringing to their locales more fiery depredation than the combined forces of the Weyerhaeuser lumber company and Mrs...
...Possibly the two liberals, who are after all rather young, misunderstood the meaning of the term "assumption...
...In fact, his girth suggested that he would have been right at home among diners at the World Summit on Sustainable Development...
...In an unrelated finding, Professor Ajay Rane, of Australia's James Cook University, has published data explicating the "secret of the perfect way to urinate...
...There authorities arrested an unnamed 40-year-old man for performing brain surgery on some 200 patients, though his education did not extend beyond primary school...
...Both his car and the gas station exploded, and if he can just get an American trial lawyer, his future will be carefree...
...THE CONTIt LATE SUMMER 2002 evanesces into history, after having proven to be a public relations calamity for eco-freaks everywhere, especially the arboreally excitable...
...In November 2000 Mr...
...We still believe that conservative talk-show hosts could have an amusing time, sponsoring a call-in contest titled "Name Daschle's Medication...
...Named after the 81-year-old lady who successfully sued McDonald's after she spilled its coffee on her lap, this year's "Stella" goes to Mr...
...Buck went on to state that "an apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident, and often creative...
...The Crisis does not always worsen...
...and more than 1,000 pounds of sausages!—passez moi les Rolaids...
...And as if we needed any more proof of the health hazards of young women wearing tight-fitting lingerie, we hasten to report that both dogs were found dead...
...Iraqi police reported that when faced with imminent arrest by them, Mr...
...O'Leary's cow—that being the bovine igniter of the famed Chicago Fire...
...In an asseveration that must have met with exultation at Schroeder headquarters, Mr...
...Ulf Buck, a blind psychic, who has transferred the palm reader's technique for reading palms to a less traveled part of the body, the buttocks...
...For instance, there is Wren, or Miss Wren, who The New York Times tells us sits in an old tree some-where in the Far West, picking insects from her armpits and dreaming that somehow a butterfly will fall in love with her and cohabit in the old tree despite her stench and long list of social pathologies...
...The toll as calculated by reporters from The Sun mounted to 5,000 oysters...
...Eco-freaks became even more embarrassed when reports of gustatory debaucheries came in from reporters covering the United Nations' World Summit on Sustainable Development in South Africa...
...Thus, throughout the West sylvan tinder boxes have been created...
...Even in phlegmatic Canada Summitin_ 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR • SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2002 ZING CRISIS Winnebago after successfully explaining to a jury of his peers that the Winnebago handbook made no mention of the possible danger of a driver leaving the driver's seat when the vehicle is in motion—Winnebago has since corrected the oversight...
...Brian Florence, 37, had to be taken to the hospital after complaining of back pain...
...Rush Limbaugh and Dr...
...At the Cairo Zoo a Galapagos giant tortoise observed its 260th birthday...
...Still, as Election Day 2002 approaches, his chances for re-election pale...
...Grazinski was on his virgin voyage down an Oklahoma freeway in a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home and traveling at 70 mph when the monstrous vehicle suddenly went berserk and overturned just seconds after he left the driver's seat to get a cup of coffee in the back...
...London's infallible Sun reported that the summit's worthies feasted on "mountains of lobster, oysters and fillet steak at the Johannesburg conference—aimed at ending famine"—a touch of sarcasm there...
...Najeh Davenport was arrested and accused of breaking into a university dormitory where he defecated in a woman's closet without her consent...
...A rendering of the details of Professor Rane's work is not suitable for publication in this family magazine, but can be found on News.com, a site that is probably particularly popular with surviving members of Al Qaeda, many of whom have developed severe bladder disorders since the advent of Operation Enduring Freedom...
...But there is also good news from Cairo...
...CONGRESSMAN JAMES TRAFICANT (DOhio) shuffled off to a federal hoosegow to turn in his hairpiece and accept free room and board for eight years after being convicted of graft...
...An unnamed Canadian who may have started out as merely a casual reader of Victoria's Secret catalogues was forced to take flight from home in British Columbia after it was reported that he had carnal knowledge of two dogs whom he dressed in women's undergarments...
...THE MARCH OF SCIENCE CONTINUES...
...450 pounds of salmon...
...The cancellation came amid charges that the two had shown bad taste in sending a man and a woman to St...
...In Miami, Green Bay Packers fullback Mr...
...Later he was booked for public lewdness...
...Buck, who is almost certainly another progressive Schroeder supporter, attests that "the bottom is much more intense . . . than the palm" and "it goes on developing throughout life...
...Such eco-freaks have depicted those who log for prof-it as fat Robber Barons and prevailed upon the federal government to prohibit them from thinning out federal forests...
...He has moved to Winnipeg, the new Paris...
...It is increasingly possible that he may have to enter the private sector and become a full-time lobbyist for PWWL, the group he has so radiantly represented these many years in Congress...
...As German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's re-election continued to founder, help arrived when Reuters published its interview of Mr...
...BACK IN THE STATES there is evidence that this sexual experimentation stuff can go too far...
...Abu Nidal, the distinguished Palestinian terrorist responsible for such homicidal firsts as the ambush of tourists at Israeli and American check-in counters in Rome and Vienna 17 years ago, passed away after a very impressive display of marksmanship in Iraq...
...Most galling of all, The Sun noted that "hundreds of trees have been felled around the conference centre so fleets of limousines will have unhindered access?' Perhaps the trees were disposed of by Weyerhaeuser...
...Gregg Hughes and Anthony Cumia that would have given liberals a syndicated radio show to compete with those of Mr...
...PERSONAL INITIATIVE HAS BEEN SQUELCHED again in Egypt...
...Born in 1742 the creature has not once fallen afoul of Islamic authorities...
...ADVOCATES OF THE GOOD LIFE rejoiced when researchers at UCLA/Rand reported that obesity is a greater risk to health than alcohol or tobacco, though the news might have been a cause for gloom as the sauces were poured and the desserts consumed at the United Nations' World Summit on Sustainable Development...
...buckets of caviar and piles of pate de foie gras," plus 4,400 pounds of steak and breasts of chicken...
...That $30-million radio contract for Mr...
...Senator Robert Torricelli (D-New Innesburg Jersey) will probably be able to keep his hairpiece, though the Senate Ethics Committee "severely admonished" him for accepting gaudy gifts from an erstwhile supporter...
...Judges announced the 2001 "Stella Award" for the nation's most frivolous lawsuit...
...Late in the summer, to the embarrassment of the eco-freaks (and the applause of Westerners), President George W. Bush announced plans to reverse government policy allowing loggers to have their way with the forests...
...The acronym stands for People Who Wear Lifts...
...The male fornicator, Mr...
...Grazinski won $1,750,000 and a new SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2002 • THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...220 pounds of South African kingclip fish...
...Nidal eluded capture by pumping four bullets into his body in a highly successful suicide attempt...
...Watch for more Schroeder campaign clips of the Chancellor in his Speedo briefs, and do not be surprised to see the callipygian Chancellor on billboards...
...Zookeepers observed the event by placing a birthday cake on the tortoise's back, and even that did not raise a mullah's hackles...
...Mery Grazinski of Oklahoma City...
...Patrick's Cathedral to copulate during Mass on the Feast of the Assumption...
...A likely candidate for next year's "Stella" is a 30-year-old Slovakian motorist who, alarmed that his auto was running out of gas—its gas gauge was broken—pulled into a gas station and attempted to see if there remained gas in his tank by illuminating it with a lighter...
...RET there is sexual excess...
...Senator Tom Daschle is another member of the group, and not surprisingly the Senate Majority Leader tried to exculpate his fellow PWWLer...
...1,000 pounds of lobster...
...After the Ethics Commit-tee's condemnation was made public, the Senate Majority Leader in his painfully laid-back modulation declaimed that "the time has come to put this matter behind us...
...The American Journal of Medical Genetics in its current issue reports that having researched 2,500 European noses, Swiss scientists have calculated the ideal dimensions for the European schnozzola, both male and female...
...Laura Schlessinger was imperiled when New York's WNEW canceled their show...
...Pictures of his naked corpse were distributed to the press, and it would be remiss of us not to report that the austere Palestinian Islamicist had become surprisingly corpulent while living in Iraq...
Vol. 35 • September 2002 • No. 5
