The Continuing Crisis
Tyrrell, R. Emmett Jr.
"The Continuing Crisis" SPRING OF 2002 PASSES and the Boy Scouts of America are vindicated! The only logical conclusion deducible from the media's outrage over revelations of pederasty in the pulpit is that the Boy...
...AS FOR THE AMERICAN CATHOLIC CHURCH...
...Such calamities never take place when one's cat is prepared in a microwave...
...Among other privations, the Marin County native has been denied access to his skateboard and head-lice medication...
...On the scientific front, Dr...
...Salifu Ojo confessed to killing his employer and making pepper soup of the man's internal organs...
...A tall order that, given the extreme subjectivity of the human nose: Uzbek herders repulsed by French perfume...
...In Lagos, Nigeria, Mr...
...Marit Graeter when a rat appeared between her legs while she sat on the toilet...
...Officials in Dundee, Scotland, remain mystified by an outbreak of vandalism that is without precedent anywhere in the civilized world, according to police records...
...He reported back that he had established a close personal relationship with the enshrouded desert fop, and perhaps even gave him a nickname...
...IN EGYPT, AN EXTRAORDINARY CONTEST has been inspired by published pictures of four Palestinian women who broke with Islam's strictures against female participation in public life to become suicide bombers...
...Moreover, because of what has been divulged about his genes-now on public display in laboratories everywhere-he is taking fat-lowering medications, possibly to reduce his fat head...
...Then unfortunately, he proceeded to compare Miss Indriss to the Mona Lisa, which will not endear him to local mullahs, the subject of the Mona Lisa being a Neapolitan noblewoman who was completely unfamiliar with the Prophet's writings and had a well-known taste for chianti classico and short skirts...
...Try Bee Bop Abdullah...
...Adrian Neal, an off duty naval police officer, foiled a robbery attempt by, as he put it, "walloping" an assailant with a loaf of Happy Shopper bread, leaving the man dazed and with a good case against the bakery, if only an American trial lawyer can be found...
...PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH had Saudi Arabia's clone prince Abdullah down to the ranch, where the clone prince acted pretty much like all the other clone princes ofAraby, like an ingrate from the Middle Ages...
...The impoverished Russian military has been forced to make severe economies...
...The only logical conclusion deducible from the media's outrage over revelations of pederasty in the pulpit is that the Boy Scouts' ban against homosexual Scout leaders is OK...
...Graeter told the newspaper Rogalands Avis at a hastily summoned press conference that "It was such a disgusting experience that I still have trouble using the toilet on the ground floor...
...Authorities have not released the burglar's identity, nor that of the god...
...its Cardinals met in Rome with Pope John Paul II and adopted a policy for the "dismissal from the clerical state of a priest who has become notorious and is guilty of the serial predatory sexual abuse of minors...
...Thus, for now, Catholic parents intent on religious instruction for their children had best send them to the Boy Scouts, where they will also learn to identify poison ivy...
...Angelito Marquez, a nurse's aide, of trying to steal their $58.9 million share of the Big Game lottery jackpot by denying that he won the prize...
...After Mr...
...Also, the lawyers charge that his internment in an Alexandria, Virginia, jail is unduly severe...
...Nigerians repulsed by all the above but attracted by rotting flesh...
...Bright, also the school's wrestling coach, had been suspended for two weeks after he admitted that during a December wrestling practice he bit the head off a live sparrow...
...J. Craig Venter of Celera Genomics has admitted to being the most egregious intellectual exhibitionist since Leonardo da Vinci sketched his own hands...
...The decapitation was an effort at motivational improvement, but it apparently also motivated an alliance composed of animal rights activists, bird lovers and those feminists who might have believed that the sparrow-biting incident was an attempt by Mr...
...Frenchmen attracted by the Uzbeks' goat...
...Perhaps Scout leaders will soon be admitted to the priesthood, and American intellectuals will begin to speculate on when the Vatican will finally select a Boy Scout leader as Pope...
...Uzbeks attracted by Frenchmen's body odor...
...They do not even leave explanatory notes...
...In Moscow Russia's internal intelligence agency protested that the C.I.A...
...Doubtless, American trial lawyers are flying in...
...We are going for odors," Miss Pamela Dalton of the Monell Chemical Senses Center explained, "that every culture has experienced and the experience is negative...
...every priest will be able to take the Boy Scout oath without winking...
...FRANCE'S SOCIALIST PRIME MINISTER M. Lionel Jospin was beaten out as runner-up in the French presidential elections by M. Jean-Marie Le Pen, leader of the French hard right-an embarrassment...
...Many Nigerians of a secular turn of mind believe that by eating human body parts they will become instant millionaires...
...THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE admitted to paying out approximately $30 million to citizens making claims for black slavery credit on their federal income tax returns...
...LAWYERS FOR SUSPECTED AL QAEDA fighter Mr...
...RET 4 k like they're Jewish...
...In a village in central Kompong Chhnang, Cambodia, more than 400 people were left homeless after a local gourmand ignited his entire village while sauteing a cat, which exploded...
...Bright to dissuade the high school's pretty girls from joining the wrestling team...
...Perhaps the American military should stick with the nuclear option...
...RELIGION HAS RETURNED TO ROMANIA, once a communist state.Two hundred and fifty graves in Bucharest's Berceni Cemetery, according to police, were desecrated in a single attack by what the police describe as a well-organized reunion of Satanists...
...In Avon, Indiana, Mr...
...Seventy-seven of the bins have been destroyed, and police have yet to track down the dog droppings, which is kind of scary.The United Kingdom's Happy Shopper Bakery could be in serious legal trouble...
...The man liked to eat cat while drinking with his friends," police officer So Sam An reported...
...In the United States, coworkers at the Newark Extended Care Facility accused Mr...
...The President went on to report that the recent recession was not even up to his father's standards, though the president did suggest his concern that the recovery may be slow in pumping up...
...Aaron Bright returned to the high school classroom where his geography lectures have always been so popular...
...AMERICAN SCIENTISTS in Philadelphia are meeting with serious difficulty in developing an "odor bomb" for the Pentagon...
...Lindh was charged with 10 felonies and five conspiracy counts, his lawyers asserted that his confession was made under "highly coercive conditions" while he was lying in his underpants...
...Even Liberal forward-lookers are angry, though now they are in the weird position of opposing homosexual priests, while favoring homosexual Boy Scout leaders...
...Is it not time to extend the Bush tax cuts on to eternity...
...No one considered the possibility," explained surgeon Dr...
...After receiving word from the local water company that she should flush boiling water down the loo pursuant to the rat, Mrs...
...It is only a matter of time before the Roman Catholic Church's American branch adopts it...
...Reports remain sketchy about the condition of that Danish man who during minor surgery on his posterior broke wind, setting his genitals afire...
...The last few months' revelations that the Catholic hierarchy covered up for hundreds of priests having sexual relations with perhaps thousands of boys provoked anger all over America...
...And Japan's Mainichi Daily News reports that an unnamed man, attempting to "Funny-none of th 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR • MAY/JUNE 2002 -..-ING CRISIS burgle a Yokohama residence, was captured by police after he fell from a large statue of a Buddhist god and badly injured himself...
...And in Norway, quality time was ruined for Mrs...
...Two years ago, when scientists at Celera announced that they had decoded the human genome, they insisted that their project was based on the genetic data of anonymous donors...
...Yet embracing contradiction is for Liberals a unique art form, and there is a remedy to this contradiction, to wit: Liberals could drop their boycott of the Boy Scouts if the Boy Scouts promise to enlist homosexual priests as Boy Scout leaders...
...Jorn Kristensen...
...John Walker Lindh began laying down their defense with a barrage of charges against the government and the American military...
...She lived a long and full life...
...was scheming to procure classified information on new Russian weapons plans, presumably for an improved horse cavalry or perhaps attack dirigibles...
...Fellow scientists are denouncing him as a "self-decoder...
...The contest, loosely translated as "Name the Prettiest Suicide Bomber," has apparently been won by Miss Wafa Indriss (deceased) who is described by a columnist in the Egyptian newspaper Al-Waf d as having had "dreamy eyes and a mysterious smile on her lips...
...This crisis is continuing...
...Now Dr.Venter admits that most of the genome data came from his very person...
...MAY/JUNE 2002 • THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR 9...
...Vandals are breaking into dozens of especially constructed "dog dirt bins," meant to keep Dundee streets free of pet excrement, and stealing their contents...
...Nonetheless, our debonair president treated him like family...
Vol. 35 • May 2002 • No. 3
