Hijackers In Hell
Onion, The
HIJACKERS SURPRISED TO FIND SELVES IN HELL We Expected Eternal Paradise'Say Suicide Terrorists JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS— The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade...
...Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations...
...Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards...
...I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them...
...According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept...
...I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach...
...There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacode-mon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten...
...The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon...
...theonion...
...98 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR • NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2OO1...
...11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell...
...That can't be fun...
...This must be some sort of terrible mistake...
...Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting...
...Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday...
...But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine...
...But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit...
...The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand...
...But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them...
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...11 arrival...
...But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I Reprinted with permission from The Onion," Ameica's Finest News Source...
...Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists...
...burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile...
...I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna...
...I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi...
...Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith...
...It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray...
...The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face...
...Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day...
...Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absent-mindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes...
Vol. 34 • November 2001 • No. 8
