THE CONTINUING CRISIS
THECONTINUINGCRISIS Indian Eunuchs Irked by Sexist Census Practicing "non-invasive sex," they dispute "male" classification A Valentine's Day outrage February has expired. The month went badly...
...WHILE ANNOUNCING PLANS to revitalize the American military with "new technology" President Bush threw European leaders into confusion by declaring "God Bless NATO...
...At her press conference three million of their constituents were too lazy or disorganized to fill out census forms, the United States Census Bureau recommended the government send "unadjusted" census counts to the states for redrawing congressional districts...
...Later in February, despite his strong standing in the polls and with no sign of scandal or impeachment impending, Mr...
...Xu's remains were found amongst the tigers who, authorities speculate, were aroused by "the smell...
...Miss Li Huijie's deplorable cooking skills have gotten her in hot water with local officials once again...
...They collected twelve tins of rat poison from Miss Li's kitchen as evidence that she killed all four husbands for their worldly possessions...
...Xu Xiaodong, a tiger keeper at Beijing's Jinan Zoo, was mauled to death after attempting to defecate on his cats...
...Thousands of Hindus near and around historic Lucknow attacked shops selling Valentines Day cards, which they found "loaded with nudity and sex...
...Now if only anti-fragrance activists can link pine weevil excrement to, say, Chanel Number Five or deodorant they may become as big as the animal rights movement...
...Bush sent American aircraft to bomb an Islamic country, the first non-political American bombing since his father was President and a clear break with the Clinton Administration's policy of Bombs for Boobs...
...IN MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA, that baby penguin found wandering in a "dazed state" near a McDonald's restaurant at 2:30 a.m...
...Deputy coroner Dr...
...The eunuchs, whose traditional source of income is begging, prostitution, and performing at weddings, christenings, and housewarmings, are demanding that census takers subsume them into a category somewhere between male and female, say "undersex" or "oversex...
...They get caught so frequently...
...The invaluable South China Morning Post reports that nineteen-year-old Mr...
...He tried to hit up the taxpayers for plush digs in Carnegie Hall...
...Xu had no prior record of defecating on cats...
...In Cincinnati, Ohio, two local dignitaries were charged with corpse abuse...
...Despite exposure to American television the girls do not like it...
...The city will pay for sex-changes undertaken by city employees as part of its health care program...
...Meanwhile, San Francisco is taking (CONTINUED ON PAGE 10) THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR ¦ April 2001 positive measures on behalf of its eunuchs...
...ENDING MONTHS OF CONTROVERSY with Democrats, who fear that as many as Miss Li's deplorable cooking skills landed her in hot water again after she admitted to having used rat poison in her hot sauce...
...Huang Zhiqiang (Miss Li's fourth husband in three years...
...IN henan PROVINCE, CHINA...
...Clinton's friends pensively speculating upon what their idol's next contretemps might be...
...The month went badly for the Boy Ex-President with liberal columnists and news media sounding ever more like The American Spectator circa 1994...
...Hugh Rodham, had accepted $400,000 for advocating clemency for two felonious supporters...
...Thomas Condon, to take pictures of cadavers whom he posed with such trinkets as syringes, sheet music, and a key...
...Jonathan Tobias allowed a photographer, Mr...
...In Washington, DC, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton called a February 22 press conference where she attempted to notify reporters that she was "heartbroken" upon hearing that her big fat brother, Mr...
...police charged Miss Li and her mother with murder...
...Their motives aroused unwholesome conjecture after authorities established they lacked authorization from any National Endowment...
...though, he lied, that he was unaware of the payments when he granted Mr...
...All the dolorous pother left Mr...
...He is a professional singer...
...There is no truth to the rumor he will flee to Tokyo, where the Kydo news service finds that seventy percent of the female teenagers at two of that city's finest high schools have been groped...
...On February 22, Mr...
...As for Miss Li, she Senator Clinton insisted that her brother's $400,000 "came as a surprise to me...
...Hindus are very strict...
...If they were Americans they would have voted for Al-Gore...
...In progressive India, census officials had a tougher time...
...Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori came under pressure to resign when it was learned that, after being apprised of the lost Japanese trawler, he continued to play golf, the quintessentially American game...
...No one knows why the Clintons continue to lie in public...
...Apparently Australian law bans the incarceration of penguins for longer than forty-eight hours...
...Rodham's request...
...He and she made off with this and that...
...RET...
...Clinton's half-brother, Roger, was formally charged with drunk driving and trying to pick a public fight...
...Nippon Television Network canceled a proposed broadcast of a Godzilla movie featuring scenes of Godzilla accosting fishing boats, so as to avoid rude comparisons...
...early in February was treated for "depression" in a local jail, according to the Australian press, and presumably released on its own recognizance...
...admits to having used the rat poison in her "hot sauce," perhaps in hopes that it would live up to claims made by an American cookbook promising "a hot sauce to die for...
...The theretofore happy bridegroom suddenly gurgled and collapsed minutes after tucking into one of Miss Li's breakfast specialties, which police contend contained rat poison...
...By mid-month the editorials in the New York Times were calling the forty-second president worse "than the expectations of his most cynical critics...
...Citing the sudden death of Mr...
...There, the Asian Age reports, the country's eunuchs are incensed at being listed as males...
...IN OKINAWA, CITY OFFICIALS ADOPTED a resolution demanding that the chief of United States military forces there be fired for calling his Japanese hosts "nuts" and "wimps...
...The following week the American submarine USS Greeneville sank a Japanese fishing boat off Hawaii...
...Among Beijing's newest lavatories is "the singing toilet...
...Xu might have been encouraged in his reckless evacuation by the Chinese government's campaign to improve the quality of Beijing's public lavatories whose cramped and uninviting conditions could diminish Beijing's chances of becoming an Olympic site...
...Former President Clinton admitted to knowing that fees had been paid to his roly-poly brother-in-law...
...The anti-fragrance movement got a boost when Swedish scientists announced that trees coated with pine weevil excrement are offensive to Swedish bugs...
Vol. 34 • April 2001 • No. 3
