The Continuing Crisis
lr HE C O N T I N U I N G C R ! : S I ~ Rat control; the big September came and vamoosed, with Campaign aooo in high gear and Black Cat news stories in abundance. The Black Cat news story is...
...She claims to have cleaned her navel with her brother's electric toothbrush, causing her brother fungal infection in his mouth...
...When I walked up to the car," Virginia state trooper Mike Scott affirmed, "it looked like a banana had been smeared on the side...
...RET The American Spectator - November 2000 9...
...There were alarming new reports of Governor Bush adulterating plain English, and Miss Gail Sheehy captured the headlines with revelations that Governor Bush suffered from dyslexia...
...squeezer...
...Try a whole tree of bananas, Mike, and when did banana trees start growing in Virginia...
...In Stillwater, Oklahoma, Miss Gloria Steinem took Mr...
...Bodies Politic: Queer Theory and Literature of the Body" (Cornell University...
...He is getting better...
...Feldman clandestinely and illicitly"poked, pinched, and squeezed" $8,cx:x> worth of bread and cookies...
...Kruszelnicki is based at the University of Sydney...
...Now a jury has found him guilt?, despite his wife Sharon's insistence that "freshness is important" and that Mr...
...David Bale to be her lawful wedded husband at the home of Miss Wihna Mankiller...
...White House Spokesman Joe Lockhart retired...
...There is more evidence of global warming...
...Ancizar Duque reported from his barber shop in Pereira, Colombia, that he has hit on a therapy for preventing baldness...
...and "Feminist Biblical Interpretation" (Harvard University...
...The other male could then fertilize the "sort of male egg," though the couple's intimacy might be lost when the egg was returned to the woman's womb...
...In this nafon ofz7o million souls no chord of compassion could be plucked to shield them from such courses as "Black Lavender: A Study of Black, Cay, and Lesbian Plays and Dramatic Construction in the American Thea~e" (Brow1 Universi...
...A fortnight after 1 18 Russian sailors perished aboard the nuclear submarine Kursk, the Kremlin suffered yet another military embarrassment...
...Not the good kind that is supposed to fetch our sympathy, but the bad kind, the kind that could cause international instability and cause children to skip language skills class...
...On September a 3 Mr...
...Reuters reported on the fourteenth that, accompanied by his Thai dog, Mr...
...Betty the cow Fourteen million American youths departed for college...
...According to Dr...
...In September the stories repeatedly jinxed Governor George W. Bush, evaporating his lead in the polls...
...Earlier the governor's "FamilyValues" bona tides were cast into doubt when he was overheard referring to a New York Times reporter as an "a--hole...
...Reuters reports that his Website is www.tuktuk.thailandusa.com...
...Finally, it was a very spiritual time for North American pagans...
...Feldman was merely being a fastidious shopper...
...lint alert...
...Beating drums, chanting, and spitting, they observed the autumn equinox all over the United States, in Canada, and at the Environmental Protection Agency...
...Readers might recall with gentle amusement 1994 when the Times's own R.W...
...Apple told a British reporter that the editors here were "a--holes" for questioning the probity of his president with our usual taact-strewn stories...
...Tracey Gibson, 37, of Newcastle upon Tyne, claims that she cured her three-year-old son's chronic eczema by full immersion in the waters of the French spa Av~ne near Montpelier...
...And in Washington President Bill Clinton's essential negritude has again been noted...
...Judge David Heckler, an obvious Reagan appointee, overcame the jury's recommendations of leniency...
...Michael Jackson to speak at the prestigious Oxford Union...
...The same week in Belgrade a Yugoslav court sentenced Our President to twenty years' imprisonment for war crimes...
...His topic will be child welfare...
...Axel Eubank, 3 6, has set out on a "tuk-tuk" trip from Bangkok to Miami, the first ever...
...During haircuts he has his cow, Betty, lick his clients' heads...
...Karl Kruszelnicki, prompted by concerns about navel lint by fellow Australians, is planning a major scientific study of the bodily debris...
...His fee has not been disclosed nor has he disclosed any further information about Betty...
...Nothing could be done to spare their lives...
...An English mother, Mrs...
...Usually the story darkens the path of a political candidate, almost always a Republican...
...There was also some very weird news in September...
...He emphasized that hidden cameras had filmed Mr...
...8 In medical news the Medical i < Council of Hong Kong has reprimanded Dr...
...Without any regard for the sensibilities of his fellow law-abiding African Americans, Bishop Chandler Owens of the Church of God in Christ informed leaders of one of America's largest black churches that "I told the president when he first got elected that he was a black man masquerading in a white body...
...Feldman sticking his thumb through the jellied hearts of apricot tarts...
...The Black Cat news story is the sudden news story that springs up as from the occult to cast a hex on some unsuspecb ing American otherwise bound for glory...
...For three years Mr...
...Of course, this problem might be averted, if the egg could be carried in one of the males' unused cavities, possibly a nasal cavity or perhaps an armpit...
...On its front page the New York Times reported that experts on the Bush staffhad inserted a subliminal message into an ad that left millions of Americans believing that Democrats were R~TS (Rattus domesticus...
...And follo,a ing up on our report in the March Continuing Crisis of Mr...
...Li Kai-yan for treating a six-year- o old boy's runny nose with steroid injec8 No v e m b e r 2 o o o _9 The American Spectator tions that gave him a hairy back and forehead...
...British television has found the next Miss Barbara Walters and perhaps even a replacement for perky Miss Katie Couric...
...The electricity was cut offat Russia's Strategic Rocket Force base in Teikovo for unpaid electric bills...
...The inquiries of 15,ooo persons on his Website in less than a week have prompted him to begin the study, whose urgency was heightened by an anonymous woman's e-mail...
...Meanwhile, Vice President A1-Gore only lied about his mother-in-law, his family pet, the song his mother sang him when he was a babe, and the provenance of our strategic oil reserve...
...Finally, according to the esteemed South China Morning Post, Dr...
...Though the base's retaliatory capacity was temporarily in doubt, its commander sent ground troops to capture the offices of the local utility company, returning the Strategic Rocket Force to readiness and refrigeration to his fellow officers' vodka supply...
...In Jarratt, Virginia, a,2oo miles above the equator, monkeys attacked automobiles on Interstate 95, pummeling them with bananas...
...Galum MacKellar, a lecturer in bioethics and biochemistry at Edinburgh University, disclosed in London that in the future healthy male couples will be able to conceive their own children...
...On September 24, London's ITV announced that it has signed Miss Monica Lewinsky to report on American culture...
...Students at Britain's Oxford Universily have invited Mr...
...Samuel Feldman's arrest for the brutal molestation of bakery goods in the supermarkets of Yardley, Pennsylvania, justice has been served...
...There were no reported injuries...
...Surprisingly high levels of intelligence have been found in various classifications of slime by Japanese scientists at Nagoya, Japan's Biomimetric Control Research Center...
...He will appear "jointly" with his Jewish mentor, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who has himself never been investigated for pederasty...
...MacKellar, if a woman would be willing to hand over one of her eggs, genetic materials from one male could be inserted, creating "a sort of male egg...
Vol. 33 • November 2000 • No. 9
