Ben Stein's Diary: Prime Stein
Stein, Benjamin J.
i:]l~m ~,]Jil:{-ll"[4 i , ] 1 . . ~ by Benjamin J. Stein Prime Stein Sunday I 'm on a US Air flight from LAX to Philadelphia. Gosh, I like this airline. It's not well known, but US Air has...
...Well, this is the answer to a prayer I did not even dare make...
...I think he should be president after G.W...
...Squarejawed young men...
...Scary place...
...That kid is going to be a big somebody...
...I loved his story about the black boy in prison asking Governor Bush, % white man in a suit....what do you think of me...
...Only in America," I kept thinking--which is what every American should be thinking every minute...
...Then he worked at Ford Motor and GE on the assembly line...
...One drop inside each eye at bedtime will draw toxic accumulations outside of the eyes...
...Then I gave my tiny little speech...
...Joe Allbaugh, the campaign manager and a hearty fellow indeed...
...Then, after about forty minutes, in walked President George Herbert Walker Bush, looking very thin and fit...
...I am sure it's a big box but maybe I'll be somewhere near the Bushes and be on TV...
...Many more flashes and signings, and then eating some Philly Cheese Steak, and then back home to my hotel...
...Giant night...
...Some wicked illness is attacking my body and my weak points are my eyes and throat...
...Then next to me were a group of young people who were the children of various Texas officials and GOP honchos and persons in the awl bidness...
...Your father was an important guy, and you are at least a well-known guy...
...1 also talked to Barbara and Jenna, W's gorgeous daughters, one of whom is going to Yale this fail...
...We got to the downtown Marriott, where I had a room...
...George W. Bush came over and shook hands with me and said, "Thank you for your help...
...Yes, people there are kind to me...
...Speaking of TV, I also had to go to a stage and do a little skit with Robert Reich for Comedy Central...
...Still, I feel pretty sick and my voice is raw and 52 0 c t o b e r 2 o o o _9 The American Spectator hoarse...
...We visited and I saw wonderful Darla from National Right to Life, and then we all applauded a lot and I signed a million more autographs, and then the evening was over...
...Oooh...
...I know it because Bob Dylan said it...
...Fabulous Julie Eisenhower and David appeared, looking well indeed...
...I am not saying George W. came over and shook hands with me and said, "Thank you for your help...
...Zip For Credit Card Orders Call Toll Free: 877-238-8481 M C Visa Credit Card No...
...I went down to the hotel "Sports Bar...
...I have a new slogan for your show," he said, "Ben Stein-Stompin' With the Big Dawgs...
...She's a lively and enthusiastic GOP woman from Virginia and Florida...
...How he got it, I have no idea...
...Too much horrible music...
...True, it's not Prime Time-Flash, flash, flash, and sign, sign, sign...
...He was so ve~, right...
...That's incredible stuff...
...By some lucky stroke, we were asked to run long, which we did...
...Cavalry and fight against Aguinaldo in the Philippines (by the way, I must visit the Philippines...
...He's a politician...
...I am so excited about it I can hardly even start to tell you...
...Barbara Bush...
...It can be used as part of the nutritional management of all types of eye conditions...
...I stole that from Jesse Jackson...
...I will not share with anyone what President Bush's response was or even if there was one...
...By the way--and I am not the first to notice--Lieberman did a similar fraud in reverse on Justice Thomas...
...He's a politician...
...But when the NEA talked, Lieberman listened, and now he's the NEA's best buddy...
...We had an amusing exchange about how silly TV talk shows are...
...Then she sat her cheerful self down next to me and smiled...
...also came in and chatted amiably...
...I love all of the attention...
...That is, it's clear why fraud is bad but it's not evident to me why running an illegal casino is good, which the movie seems to be saying...
...Then down to an underground warren of offices and rooms where Miss America and I were to wait...
...It's all changed now and America is a true multiracial Republic...
...I told him...
...None of this applies to anyone on Comedy Central, by the way...
...Just as I was thinking that, up stepped Mrs...
...Plus, I am to speak while standing next to the lovely and talented Miss America...
...These Republicans: so open, so cheerful, so unconniving--perfect Americans...
...But it would be a lot better if, like Alan Greenspan (appointed by Ford, Republican) or Henry A. Kissinger (appointed by Nixon, Republican) or even Herbert Stein (appointed by Nixon, Republican), he were a man of real substance with unique abilities to contribute to the national weal, instead of just another hack wearing the garb oftIie prophets...
...Whaaam...
...I tove it when that happens...
...Uhh, does that mean he follows the Mi~vot to stone to death men who lie with other mei3...
...Lieberman, with his skullcap yet, stood up in the Senate and criticized Clinton on a moral basis for his dalliance with Monica Lewinsky (who I think was kind of cute...
...We should have had a good ch:e when he pulled his trick about Clinton and the impeachment...
...However, in some perverse way, this only makes me more moved by the astonishing, truly unimaginable bravery of the Confederate armies, officers, and men...
...White, too...
...All polite, all asking for photos, all calling me "sir," all telling me how much they love my shows...
...It was packed but a nice couple offered to share their booth with me...
...The best was a representative from Old Virginny named Tom Davis...
...It was one of the great treats oflny life to have sat next to her...
...I was humbled...
...Example: Lieberman rightly criticized glorious HollDvood for its wild excess of sex and violence...
...To think one might be able to make a change, even a small one, to make the Constitution more secure, that's ecstasy...
...I am so tired...
...Othenvise I would have had to stay in a college dorm at the University of Pennsylvania with the other rascals from Comedy Central...
...Today is a big day, though...
...Anyway, onward and upward in Orwellian GoreyAmerica...
...Hyme took me to a big party given by Gomedy Central at a hall at Drexel University (not connected with Drexel Burnham Lambert, The American Spectator _9 O c t o b e r 2 o o o 53 or at least not with Milken's version of Drexel...
...I awakened at three with a maddening headache and muscle aches, to the small extent I have any muscles...
...When the actual vote on impeachment came down, and when evidence was out that Clinton had lied his head off, demeaned the office, mocked the seat where Lincoln and FDR had sat, Lieber::nan stroked his chin and said, "Well, yes, it was morally wrong what Clinton did, but certainly not grounds for impeachment...
...He started shouting at me that he had done nothing wrong, that he had been a Nay T Seal and knew how to follow orders and it was not his fault that he was not at the gate...
...I am part of a dynasty, too...
...I had a humble point to make: No matter how you slice it, the progress of Mnerica in terms of inclusiveness had been staggering...
...Uhh, what was that we were supposed to do to false prophets, by the way...
...Probably just my insane paranoia...
...All of the glory days are over and I have to resume my workaday life as a cable TV star...
...And what a nice-looking group of people...
...I can well recall an era in which blacks would not have been seen on the podium of either party except maybe sweeping up or making some mumbled remarks...
...We passed by Trent Lott, and then passed by several other worthies, and then went up to the stage...
...Bush was a fabulously insightfill, totally unpretentious, witty, and empathic conversationalist...
...My favorite piece about Liebennan, by the way, is one by someone named Samuel Freedman in the Times of NewYork...
...I did have lunch with my old pal Ona, and that was nice, but what else did I do...
...It was amazing...
...Even this mock talk show made me a bit uneasy...
...56 October 2000 _9 The American Spectator The young women told me who had been prima donnas and who had been good-natured at the convention, and I am not going to tell you who they were...
...Fire washing away the corruption of the Clinton-Gore era...
...Then it was time for Miss America and me to go on stage...
...Then offwith Hyme to the waterfront of the Schuylkill River to watch a flotilla of little and big boats cruise by, each with the name of a state...
...He was right to do it...
...Red, blue, green, white balloons were raining down from the ceiling by the thousands, tons of confetti of all the colors of the rainbow streamed down, and lights played and music soared...
...Hunger struck...
...Tension and good acting and excellent portrayals of crimir~als at work...
...This is the heart of the whole problem with America's future and only W approaches it in terms of human dignity instead of plain old ward-heeling race-bloc politics...
...He also kindly recalled my mother and father, and had a few sharp insights into what was going on at the convention...
...E.V., Nebraska "Cataracts gone after 3 months...
...Monday oops...
...Then I left the stage and was whisked to the "Skybox" of Mr...
...Only in year 2ooo America could a standard, old-fashioned New England special interest pol, far from the first Jew to be in high office (duhhh, remember Henry Kissinger...
...We're going to talk about education...
...Next thing we know, 1 am out of there...
...Itwas perfection...
...He's an apologist for Gore's lies and Clintoffs disgrace of the Constitution...
...I'm super claustrophobic (along with loud music phobic) and out I flew...
...But happy...
...Eye,one else made fun of me for saying it, but I think I have a point...
...But I don't pretend to be a holy man...
...Red, orange, blue...
...He's a funny fellow...
...Hank Williams, Jr...
...It's all right if they are because, as we all know, everybody must get stoned...
...Then I talked briefly with Lynne Cheney, who used to work near my father at AEI, and then watched Pierce's antics, and then I left...
...My eyes were horribly bloodshot...
...Suffice it to say, Mrs...
...Bush...
...Then, to my perfectly fine little room at the Marriott to work on the speech I am giving at a big fundraising luncheon the next noon...
...But so, so, so happy...
...To be recognized, to sit with important people who recall fondly one's Ma and Pa--this is joy...
...These are dynastic kids," 1 thought to mv little self...
...I like it...
...BENJAMIN J. ST1;IN is a writer, actor, economist, and laveyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...The Armies of the Civil War, especially the Army of Northern Virginia, haunt me all day and night...
...We briefly talked about President Clinton's slighting, highly provocative comments about Governor Bush's qualifications for high office...
...In fact, the more I think of Drexel and Milken, the more convinced I am that a master intelligence beyond earthly power was working the thing...
...I met two young women who bad helped arrange everything for me at the convention...
...All around me were freshfaced young men and women, all looking friendly and prosperous...
...Only in America...
...Personal checks please allow 3 weeks for delivery...
...Mildred and Herb...
...At one point he bravely said there was no longer an issue of whether the public schools had failed...
...Yes, yes, yes...
...The story is a tad far-fetched in that it revolves around a young guy whose father is the soul ofrighteousness--a federal judge in fact--and yet the son is a master criminal at quite a young age...
...The key way to understand Lieberman is not his Jewishness, not his fake piety and his skull cap, but his party discipline...
...It makes my little heart swell just to see them...
...Pre~' young women...
...Then he said, "Look, Ma, I have moral authority...
...Disc...
...r that he obeys the Mitzvot to stone to death his own child if the child disobeys him...
...I can recall a time when the only women on stage would be 54 0 c t o b e r 2 o o o " The American Spectator counting the votes...
...Then, when it was proved there were no grounds not to confirm, but when SANTA LUCIA EYE DROPS The amazing Santa Lucia Eye preparation is made of two types of plants...
...Needless to say, it reminded me a lot of Drexel, but Drexel was run on a level of cleverness and sophistication about one billion times above what Boiler Room was about...
...Anyway, I got up .and got dressed and off I went to the convention in my limo with Hyme at the wheel...
...When I awakened, a rock band was suiting up to perform...
...He is about as funny as any child I have ever met, and totally unable to be repressed...
...I loved every second of it...
...You have a dynasty going, and if your son plays his cards right, he'll be step three of the dynasty...
...Fire rained down from the sky in a thunderstorm of flame...
...Example: Lieberman was a bitter critic of the teachers' unions...
...But Julie and David Eisenhower will be there, so all's right with the world...
...He's a politician...
...How can we see the problems of the angry blacks and Latinos better, more lovingly, so that they can be brought into the great tent of American generosity and goodness...
...These Republicans, I thought, so open, so cheerful, so unconniving--perfect Americans...
...Now here I am, unable to make my son do his homework, but at the Republican Convention with President and Mrs...
...And brain...
...I sat down...
...He's just another pol and the only firing I really cannot stand about him is that he pretends to be better than I am because he walks or runs on Saturday...
...But then I had a far more vital thought: "You, Benjyrama [as my wife calls me], are also part of a dynasty...
...to a rundown old factory now used as a club...
...I got soaked and cold, but finally the car came and we left...
...I'm a happy guy right now...
...They are lucky enough to be part of wealthy and powerful Texas dynasties and the}' live like princes and princesses...
...Yes, indeed...
...Anyway, now to sleep, and then back into my pumpkin...
...Look at my brave bad self...
...Julie always looks great and David always looks boyish and handsome...
...that a Jew has been nominated for vice president...
...Yes, these people around me probably are far more affluent than I am, but I am not starving...
...When I got back to my car, Hyme wanted to know every detail...
...Nso, better to not do them with comedians...
...Upon awakening at my customary 2:3o in the afternoon, what should I have but a call from the powers-that-he inviting me to come sit in the Bush family box tonight at the convention...
...If he were really a holy guy, a basic rule might well be, "Thou shalt not bear false witness...
...The answer, by the way, is always Texas...
...Only in America" as my mother used to say in tears on every Jewish holiday...
...They clearly had already failed, he said...
...How much is it worth to have a president who will enforce the law instead of flouting it7 How much is it worth to you to have your own doctor make the call on how to treat you when you're sick instead of having some jackass in Washington do it by some regulation...
...And I loved your mother and father...
...You'll see why 1 call it "fake piely" in a minute...
...Bush...
...LOVE IT...
...The American Spectator _9 0 c t o b e r 2 o o o 57 Maxine Waters cracked the whip, Lieberman followed party discipline and voted not to confirm...
...Still giving a rebel yetl and using intense imagination and bravery as they fell upon their enemies...
...In a way, so is every American...
...That's what I said...
...She was extremely friendly and intelligent...
...StilI, it's a good movie...
...Joe Lieberman...
...Wednesday ~ feel really bad about this Joe Lieberman stuffin one way and really good in another...
...It's not well known, but US Air has great set~4ce, the best food in the air, and always seems to get me in on time...
...After all, we're doing a mock version of "Win Ben Stein's Money"but I am not playing for any real money and I get to know the answers in advance...
...The man has ideas and some of them are good...
...Pay to order of PNR Send to Addre~ss listed above...
...Anyway, I got to the airport but there was no driver...
...I criticized my old pal and colleague and fel:ow Yalie, Bill Clinton...
...But when the glory' of"la court" beckoned, he closed his eyes and put out his hands for that Hollywood moolah...
...Anyway, off to the convention...
...No, all is not right with the world...
...At a break, I was mobbed insanely by autograph seekers and photo takers...
...Just before we went on, Pierce Bush, GW's hilariously brash t4-year-old nephew, son of Nell, spoke to Larry King...
...How much is it worth to be able to pass on what you and your parents earned and saved without the government taking it out of pure class warfare...
...And who should know better than I? I'm the moral voice of the Senate...
...Shipping $5.95 for 1-6 bottles and $9.95 for 7-1.0 bottles...
...This product can be used safely in anyone including infants and people with illnesses and it has no contraindications to its use...
...Then, when I awakened and they saw it was me, they started asking for autographs just like everyone else...
...To imagine them starving, barefoot, sick-still fighting off the Union armies...
...The good way is that I am happy (notice how many times the word "happy" appears in this column...
...I'm watching a clever movie called Boiler Room, about stock brokers selling scammy, worthless stocks...
...It's fabulous...
...1 just can't recall...
...Too many people...
...Wednesday I can't remember what I did yesterday so forget about it...
...After a little delay I was led into a labyrinth of elevators, tunnels, stairs, and stands, and finally into a large box of seats...
...I feel as ifI am about to die...
...I need my beauty sleep because tonight is a major night for me...
...How much is it worth to you to have a strong defense against nuclear missiles...
...Alas, the driver had gone away and a maior thunderstorm was falling dowry...
...The speech was fabulous...
...It's also hard to cheer for people who sent hundreds of thousands to die for a system of owning other human beings, and I no longer buy that states' rights story...
...I think it bothers him a lot that your son has a prominent father, and it must truly rankle because he is not really sure who his father is...
...All offering me sodas...
...I stood in line next to Condoleezza Rice...
...R.G., Florida YES...
...Still, this all made me very happy...
...It's hard to cheer for people who believed it was their right to sell a wife away from her husband o r - h o r r o r ! - s e l l a couple's children...
...She was and is a pretty, very intelligent, well-organized Texas ranch owner who toiled effectively for good government in the Nixon years...
...Therefore, it is considered a purifier...
...PNP (Physicians Natural Products) P.O...
...Bush," it in turn is next to one marked "President Bush...
...awakerxed at 3 a.m...
...Pose, shake hands, flash, sign, over and over again...
...My grandfather came here penniless, his father gone, and ran away at 16 to join the U.S...
...Example: When Lieberman said he was for school vouchers, that was brave and smart and respectful of blacks and all young people...
...80% markedly improved: _9 Macular Degeneration _9 Retinitis Pigmentosa _9 Conjunctivitis _9 Glaucoma (5 different types) _9 Allergic conditions of the eye _9 Xerostomia (Dry Eye) _9 Laser Burns _9 Cataracts (including patients w/implanted lenses "Macular degeneration improved - glaucoma gone after 3 months...
...Pose, shake hands, flash, sign, over and over again...
...There was even a litfie Hollywood contingent, mainly Connie Stevens, who looks great, and Robert Conrad, who also looks great...
...No serious person was trying to abolish slavery where it was...
...I am not going to tell you the balance of our conversation, because it was between us...
...Now evelyone is vying for their favor...
...Well," she asked, "how much is it worth to you to have a president who respects the Constitution instead of mocking it...
...I love your show," she said...
...Here was how it worked...
...Then on to an episode of "Larry King Live" with some worthy souls including Tucker Carlson and my pal Jon Stewart from "The Daily Show...
...The movie also never makes clear just why running an illegal casino is a good thing as compared with selling fraudulent stock...
...When I say "swarms," I mean a lot of people...
...I said that I had been reading a fundraising letter from the GOP and I asked my wife how much money we should send to the party...
...And when I read the media hosannas and contrast them with the brickbats that were sent the way of a true hero like Kissinger, it makes me cringe...
...Plus the}, were Texas pals of the Bush family...
...Instead, his politician rule is "Bear false witness when Maxine Waters says so...
...I'm any better...
...That got a lot of applause and I went r back to my room and went to sleep...
...It was packed with cheerylooking Republicans...
...He talked about wanting to work an honest day and earn an honest dollar--"and when I earn a dollar I want a dollar, not halfa dollar...
...I was greeted upon awakening by the happy tidings that I, your humble correspondent, had been summoned to stand on the stage with George W. Bush and Laura Bush after his acceptance speech along with a number of other dignitaries and very lucky peopie...
...Alas, the more I read, the more certain I am that the leaders of the South brought on the war by their refusal to see what the real moral, political, and military situation was...
...Plus, the GOP has the great candidate this year, and I think we're on the road to better government...
...My kind of America...
...Then I met a lot of GOP officials and functionaries...
...but I like to say that any time I speak is Prime Time...
...uniformly lockstep Iiberal (read "Stalinist') group who don't really care to learn about anything other than group think...
...told them I had been invited to an MTV party at a club nearby...
...But when the party bosses shout for order, he's there...
...I am rapidly becoming a Civil War buffagain so a]l of this is fascinating to me...
...The stuff of legends and rightly so...
...It shows how we're being accepted into the mainstream...
...However, I am safe in my little room, so all's right with the world...
...I am glad she's on our side...
...Bush, I kept thinking, "Only in America...
...I remember them so well...
...But when Maxine Waters barked at him, he backed off immediately...
...somehow pass himself off as a saint...
...This is indeed the Bush family box, because I am sitting next to a seat that's marked--with masking tape--"Mrs...
...Date _ _ Signature We also accept Money Orders and Checks...
...The bad parts are that Joe Lieberman is a major con man and politician of the bad old school...
...My father rose from this modest background to be the adviser and confidant of presidents...
...Then a lavish, shimmering, perfect fireworks display...
...I staggered to the bathroom...
...He's not...
...Quick, lively, able to poke fun at himself...
...I could hear a lovely hissing from the fireworks...
...Or are the folks writing about Licbcrnran stoned...
...It was a scam from the beginning: Pay two cents for the "moral high ground" and then use that "moral high ground" to defend the party boss...
...It can be used when there are cataracts, glaucoma, pterygium or irritations...
...Paris is well worth a Mass, said Prince Henri, and the vice presidency is worth saying that he has always been a liar and a Trotskyite and demeaning himself, or so Liebernlan must figure...
...All polite, all cheery...
...I am going to speak from the podium to the convention...
...First, he stood up for the Yale Law grad and said there are no grounds not to confirm...
...I like being in the mainstream...
...Or the Mitzvot to slay all of the men of any nation that opposes him and carry their wives and daughters into slaven7 Or the Mitzvot to slay anyone who even inquires about religious practices oEler than Judaism...
...I vamped around the media pavilions with my pals from Comedy Central for a couple of hours, then went to the backstage underground area to watch W's speech and to prepare for my turn at lending my miserable presence to the proceedings...
...I can't say the delegates were paying a lot of attention, but I was up there and that's enough...
...They're an angry...
...Generally, sleeping, and lots of it, is the cure for anything that ails me...
...Frankly, I was very tired, so I found a couch and fell into a deep sleep...
...I'm not...
...The audience liked it, and then I said, "And so the George W. Bush campaign won Ben Stein's Money...
...Still, I got dressed and hustled off to the luncheon...
...Thursday T his is getting better and better...
...He was a likable fellow indeed, made more so by the fact that his name is Hyme...
...Yes, it's great to have a Jew in high office...
...Eventually, I was asked to come up to Joe Allbaugh's box again, which I did through a throng of friendly faces...
...As I sat there bantering with the president and Mrs...
...Wow, did he look great...
...Because I have forgotten...
...I soon learned that they were cousins, grandchildren, nieces, nephews of the Bush family...
...I stood a ways away from the candidate and chatted happily with Pierce and Nell Bush and Neil's stunningly beautiful wife...
...Freedman said that Lieberman was obedient to all 613 of the "Mitzvot," or comlnai~dments of the Torah...
...Better to be one on one...
...We talked and it turned out that the husband's sister (I hope I got this right) is married to the great-great grandson of Stonewall Jackson...
...They wanted to come, so I brought them with my car and a new driver (where's Hyme...
...I'm not going hungry or living outdoors...
...feeling as if I were about to die, with my eyes wretchedly bloodshot and my head pounding...
...In front of me was a lovely group of men and women who were children and grandchildren of the wonderful Anne Armstrong, for whom I had written a few speeches, Io, these many decades ago...
...I called the limo company, cried and begged, and a wiry middle-aged black man appeared...
...What a pleasant, good-natured, handsome fellow...
...Too little air...
...My father used to say that I should avoid talk shows where there are just a lot of dogs sitting around barking at each other...
...I could not go two feet without young people, middle-aged people, delegates, guards, correspondents, asking me for autographs and photos...
...I was totally calm...
...Even though I felt desperately tired and ill, I felt happy, happy, happy...
...She walked happily into her seat, greeting men and women and kids and smiling at them...
...That's the Bush way...
...It's sort of as if I flew my family from Cairo to Tel Aviv in first class on E1 A1 and they announced that I was Moses...
...In the Marriott lobby were swarms of nice-looking Republicans asking for my autograph and photo...
...Better go back to sleep...
...Words cannot tell how grateful I am to the powers at the GOP who got me that room...
...N 58 October 2ooo " The American Spectator...
...He gave a sort of rambling but highly personal and powerful speech that I liked a lot...
...Naturally, this is Ben Stein speaking to you from my own darkened study, so I started to cry...
...They were looking at me as if I were an anonymous accountant who had wandered in and fallen asleep...
...Flash, flash, flash, and sign, sign, sign...
...This is not to say he's an evil man...
...As the speech ended and we were led out to the stage, I felt euphoric...
...It is processed with distilled water and no preservatives for the specific use of eye washing...
...She well knows what a character Pierce is...
...I awakened at about eleven and felt better...
...Don't just like it...
...Box 1120 Blue Springs, MO 64013-1t20 Name Address City State PLEASE SEND SANTA LUCIA EYE DROPS (.5 oz Bottle approximately two months supply) $59.95 plus shipping - MO Residents, include $3.96 sales tax per bottle...
...What's all this about...
...All heirs to Madison and Adams and Washington and Jefferson and the tens of millions of brave men and women who made this country...
...I have all of three minutes to talk...
...Has he stoned the professors of comparative religion at Yale...
...He seemed to be a good guy for a little while, but now it's clear that he was scamming...
Vol. 33 • October 2000 • No. 8
