The Continuing Crisis
Whither Y2K? India's unique party; a cookie crumbles January 2000 passed without a hitch, despite dire vaticinations made about it even in these normally sober pages. No YzK calamity occurred!...
...In Yardley, Pennsylvania, Mr...
...Mgabhi Dlamini, admitted to having stolen King Mswati III's personal collection of cow manure...
...Coming from India's surprisingly large population of eunuchs he insists that he can do a better job than either men or women, and he dresses in a style not unlike that of Governor Jesse Ventura during his wrestling days...
...Prison officials have refused to give out the man's identity, possibly out of fear that the vice president would make speeches about him during the primary campaign in the Granite State...
...Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens was forced to miss the Pro Bowl after being charged with murder on January 31 . He is the second NFL player charged with murder this past season...
...French newspapers have linked his illegal funds to payoffs from the late French Socialist President Franqois Mitterrand and a French oil giant that under Kohl had been granted exclusive rights to a former East German oil refinery...
...Terrorist forces under the control of former playboy Harry bin Laden remained quiescent, be-gonged, perhaps, on some recreational drug that Harry had socked away from his good old days in gay Paree...
...Nose jobs and liposuction are beyond its purview...
...Jaan's Playboy interview...
...John Rocker of the Atlanta Braves was suspended from baseball and fined for making disparaging remarks about foreigners, ex-convicts, unwed mothers, poofters, and teenagers with purple hair...
...He is not a member of any known art group and has no association with the National Endowment for the Arts...
...Using language certain to create alarm at the White House, the law defines nudity as the "showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state," which might explain Our President's wooden posture at his State of the Union message on January z 7. AS he delivered his longest and least listened to State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress including its sixty-seven females, not once did the president expose his lower body from behind the podium...
...8 March 2o o o 9 The American Spectator Britain's Home Secretary, Mr...
...Frank Warren after he entered Britain to fight Mr...
...Yeltsin's fur- ~ ther plans were unclear, but with Miss Monica Lewinsky's appearance in American diet commercials as a precedent, Mr...
...Finally, the first January of the new millennium even put the lie to Vice President Al-Gore's pessimistic warnings about global warming...
...American athletes were in the news...
...In Concord, New Hampshire, one of the vice president's most ardent followers was found in a hell of a condition...
...Wait for Mr...
...The Commission is also considering a ban on puppy-tail clipping and cosmetic surgery on dogs' ears...
...Incidentally Clinton administration plans to silence bin Laden by slipping him bubble gum whose especially sticky bubbles would wreak havoc with his beard apparently have yet to be implemented, possibly owing to cost overruns...
...The era of big government is over," indeed...
...Julius Francis, whom he beat sixty-three seconds into round two...
...Jack Straw, cast gloom across the humanitarian world when he announced that doctors had found Chile's former dictator, General Augusta Pinochet, physically unfit for trial...
...In progressive India the election of Mr...
...Samuel Feldman has been arrested after a year-long investigation at three supermarkets where loaves of bread and packages of cookies have been mysteriously crumbled...
...Mike Tyson was pronounced "the perfect gentleman" and a "victim of racism" by British boxing promoter Mr...
...And Mr...
...Yeltsin might be preparing to ink a contract with Alcoholics Anonymous...
...L~se majest~ sure can stink Reunification carried a fat price tag In Mississippi, Republican legislators have drafted a "sex and nudity" law that would make it illegal for sexually aroused men to appear in public, suggesting that President Bill Clinton may not be out of the legal woods yet...
...Feldman's fate was sealed when investigators brought in high-tech cameras to catch him in the act...
...Jaan, a eunuch, claims that both major parties have failed to serve the people...
...In the Baltic Sea, Denmark's Maritime Sea Rescue Command called off its search for a sinking freighter when authorities discovered the SOS was being transmitted from the bathtub of a Danish gentleman who was inebriated and playing with his toy ships...
...And there is consolation for those British readers who have taken umbrage at this column's frequent reports of British aristocrats being arrested for the misuse of women's lingeriemuch of it stolen...
...In January an American with the venerable name of Charles Hamilton, Jr...
...Yet the first hours of the new century did cause apprehension for some...
...Yeltsin, whose retirement began with a series of relaxing medical tests and a trip to the Holy Land...
...Under pressure to resign his post and to return the royal meadow muffins, Mr...
...Not one but three welcome blizzards hit the Republic, bringing ice and sleet even into the Deep South...
...A hate criminal at work San Francisco's Commission of Animal Control and Welfare voted to ban calf-roping and steer-wrestling at future rodeos because "they [the rodeo animals] are not willing participants...
...Apparently the scandal engulfing Germany's former Chancellor Helmut Kohl is serious...
...Kamla ]aan as mayor of Katrin over candidates from India's two major parties suggested that India may be launching its own version of the Reform Party USA...
...The unnamed gentleman, a convicted cocaine peddler residing in the local prison, was discovered to have sewn shut his eyes and his lips in anticipation of YzK apocalypse and to have covered himself in baby powder...
...Dlamini denied foul intent...
...More on that baby powder later...
...Two days later Washington's prestigious Alfalfa Club held its eighty-seventh meeting, a meeting that was surprisingly free of off-color jokes, but then there was hardly any mention of the lame-duck president...
...RET The American Spectator 9 March 20 o o 9...
...Jaan and his fellows "dress like women, wearing skimpy tops and saris tied low on the hips...
...He sacked some of Yeltsin's leading ministers, entered a parliamentary alliance with the Duma's Communists, and passed the entire month without once checking into Moscow's Central Clinical Hospital or falling down at a state dinner...
...In political news from the Third World a constitutional crisis wobbled Swaziland, where that country's parliamentary speaker, the Rt...
...Call it a Third World Strategic Defense Initiative...
...High tech is also being used by Kenyan authorities to thwart prostitutes along picturesque Lake Victoria from stealing the genitalia of deceased crocodiles...
...was sentenced to a year in jail for amassing a trove ofz,6oo children's diapers, many soiled...
...He admits to laying hands on the King's krap but only for the purpose of working magical rituals that will protect the King from enemy attack...
...As London's authoritative Daily Telegraph, reports, Mr...
...As the war in Chechnya began to worsen, acting Russian President Vladimir Putin took measures to distance himself from former President Boris Yeltsin...
...According to the Kenyan Times, the wardens are strapping gigantic boulders to the reptiles' bodies and sinking them "to the bottom of the lake" while the helpless prostitutes gnash their teeth, or tooth as the case may be...
...He did seem to suffer a runny nose after meeting with Mr...
...Nonetheless the speech was his most expensive, costing the American taxpayer $3 billion per minute if all of his gifts are granted...
Vol. 33 • March 2000 • No. 2
