Eminentoes: The Key to Alan Keyes
Felder, Raoul & Mason, Jackie
by Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder The Key to Alan Keyes People love him so much they give him no support. A lan Keyes is the object of more love, more devotion, more respect, awe, and...
...He made the other candidates look like school boys at the spring hop waiting to ask a pretty girl for the next dance...
...Vote for him7 Oh, you actually want me to vote for JACKIE MASOr% whose new show Much Ado About Everything is playing on Broadway at the Golden Theater, is also a nationally syndicated radio host ("The ]ackie Mason Show...
...He therefore obviously is talking about everybody else, and thank God he's warning us about them...
...That's our brother-in-law's, our sister's and two cousins' unanimous opinion, which is the most scientific poll ever taken in one building in recorded history...
...He was totally convincing...
...Why would people keep saying, "I'm crazy about him...
...Even if you were the most logical person in the world, you would rather see him debate for the job than get it...
...These rivals look like losers from "The Gong Show" competing with Winston Churchill in an oratory contest_9 Keyes's words flourish and fly with such a ringing intensity that you find yourself convinced that he's absolutely fight, even if you don't know about what...
...Every poll after each debate gives Keyes the decision...
...And since people would much rather enjoy a great entertainer than get involved in politics, they'd rather keep him on TV and let anybody else go to the White House...
...Obviously, they're so fascinated by his performance that they're enjoying it too much to be distracted by his political opinions...
...Whenever he starts talking, you forget that there is anybody else on the stage...
...Since he doesn't know you personally, he's obviously talking about all those "other" people who are threatening our survival...
...It's as if people forgot what he's running for...
...The fact is that Keyes never relates to a specific issue...
...He s right...
...I'm voting for any other of his five opponents...
...A lan Keyes is the object of more love, more devotion, more respect, awe, and adulation than any contender for the Republican nomination...
...Most people have lost their way, and thank God we are devoting ourselves to doing what's right...
...Observing this phenomenon could make your head spin...
...Otherwise, those immoral, disgusting, filthy people could undo the decency and virtue in our own hearts...
...We just took a second poll in the same building and found that these same relatives are just as scientifically unanimous in their opinion that Keyes could get any job for which he applied except the Republican presidential nomination...
...But if you ask them about what, the lame answer will be, "About whatever he said...
...Nobody has ever collected more love and less support at the same time...
...He doesn't even deal with facts, figures, and numbers...
...RAOUL FELDER is a lawyer and nationally syndicated radio talk show host and legal commentator ("The FeIder Report...
...by Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder The Key to Alan Keyes People love him so much they give him no support...
...The American Spectator _9 Fe bruary 20 o o 49...
...He attacks the whole country with an impassioned intensity and a soaring, seething conviction...
...But the fact is that almost every person who declared him the unqualified winner could not remember his actual position on almost any issue...
...This weird contradiction about Alan Keyes is showing up in every poll in every building in America...
...When we heard this result, we sat back and decided to cancel everything until Keyes gets elected...
...By the time he's finished, you feel as if he's the only clean person left in the entire country...
...He reminds you that this country will go to hell if we continue to tolerate the unspeakable immorality surrounding us on every highway and in every hallway, bedroom, and bathroom in America...
...But now we are wondering if we should cancel our cancellations...
...him, too...
...When you see him in the TV debates, he makes the collection of Republican rivals look like they're in the wrong business...
...What a relief to hear him remind you of the difference between them and you who live such a moral life except when you are cheating in business, lying to your children, defrauding your boss, and sitting with a hooker while smoking hashish, _9 , saying to her that Alan Keyes is great...
...While any one of us might do something somewhat wrong, none of us believes that we could actually be immoral...
...He was great, they say...
...Keyes's fluidity with language, his surging emotional and spirited energy, combined with verbal gymnastics that translates every word into a rhythm and blues sonata, makes him so fascinating that people would rather watch him talk than give him a job...
...That's another story...
Vol. 33 • February 2000 • No. 1
