The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Transformations; Signorina Gina; tuna; crocodiles June brought an end to one of the most glorious episodes in the Clinton Saga. The Serbs were transformed into refugees. The...
...And most exciting of all, Mr...
...David Rudenstein, thusly: "This is one of those situations Did your grandpere free France for this...
...Reclusive in Stoc , as ever, kholm 8 August 1999 • The American Spectator that makes us human...
...the case against humanism grows...
...Another top news story from the United Kingdom in June is that Mrs...
...In Ohio's Cuyahoga County Court of Common Pleas, the Cleveland Browns football team is being sued by former professional football player Mr...
...The assault took place in the "No Violence" section of a supermarket, and left Mr...
...Despite her fame and ample bosom, she lost...
...The cat itself has not appeared in public for years, giving rise to rumors that Socks may be yet another victim of the First Lady's dispendious wrath...
...Noe's lawyer, 0 Mr...
...In curious court news, accused murderer Mr...
...Christine Rabczynski was fined by an Australian court for smuggling a dozen parakeet eggs into Perth International Airport...
...Vitalich's girlfriend with bruises on her right arm and a cut above her eye...
...Gangrene is setting into the Clinton administration...
...In Benton, Arkansas, Mrs...
...According to him, teammates regularly addressed him with such pungent honorifics as "Towel Head" and "Camel Jockey" though he never brought his camel to practice...
...Paula Corbin Jones was ticketed for driving on a suspended California driver's license...
...Laura-Jane Beardsworth's hamster survived three days in her freezer...
...And NATO, the military wing of CNN, became Kosovo's sanitation department and tourist bureau...
...Yet his reemergence on the national scene has got to give the Clintons the willies...
...An unusual product displayed at China's Guangzhou trade fair may explain the presence of so many Chinese businessmen at the White House in 1996...
...Nicholas Vitalich — occupation unknown—was booked for assaulting his girlfriend with an ii-pound tuna...
...Marie Noe, 70, got off with probation for murdering 0 eight of her ten children between 1949 and 1968...
...He is Mr...
...Not Arkansas—that territory is steadily falling to the Republicans...
...In sporting news the San Antonio Spurs vanquished the New York Knicks four games to one to win the National Basketball Association championship...
...In a story headlined "A Montana Trapper Hangs On" in the June 28 WSJ, Mr...
...The lovely Mrs...
...Yet in Philadelphia Mrs...
...British archaeologists announced the discovery of that country's oldest banana, a 5oo-year-old beauty found in a Tudor rubbish pit...
...Disrespectful teammates also called him "Bin-Laden," a reference to the Saudi playboy-turned-terrorist, and "Sheik," which Mr...
...The atrocity was explained by Mrs...
...Neither fish was registered...
...In San Diego, California, alone last month, the tuna was the weapon of choice for assailants...
...Abdullah Ocalan (pronounced OH'- juh-lahn) guilty of treason and separatism...
...Stephen Hill, a lifelong stammerer, declared that he had been cured of his stammer by listening to hours of speeches by Prime Minister Tony Blair, Unfortunately there is also bad news...
...El-Mashtoub believes that the Browns' termination of his contract was occasioned by ethnic discrimination...
...Perhaps if she had murdered the other two the judge would have given her an award...
...Falater was convicted of first-degree murder...
...Remember from that bait shop he and writers from this magazine staged the closest thing to a coup against the lawfully-constituted government of this country since the days of Benedict Arnold...
...Rene Joly that he was harassed by a conspiracy led by Citibank, whose members wished to kill him because he is a Martian...
...A jury in Phoenix, Arizona, apparently did not find persuasive Mr...
...And by the end of the month one of the Boy President's arch enemies emerged in a front-page story in the Wall Street Journal...
...Anthony Tucker, a 37-year-old fisherman, assaulted a coworker with a 20-pound tuna, causing his victim a concussion and broken vertebrae...
...The relic was returned shortly thereafter, though skeptics suspect that the returned hair is not the original but rather a hair substituted from the chin of a lesser prophet or perhaps even a Shriner in the hope of setting off another of the periodic theological disputes that have come to characterize the Prophet's uproarious religion...
...Hicharn El-Mashtoub...
...Inexcusable" is how he described the behavior of Monica's beau...
...Even Vice President Al Gore is noticing the stench...
...No, the Clintons are planning to seek asylum in Manhattan or on Long Island...
...Ross Clarke, who has been training his team composed of boys and girls in the under-n age class in a crocodile-infested lake, was widely reproached when the Brisbane Courier Mail reported that he kept several delicious dogs on hand to feed the hungry reptiles in the event that they attacked his slow-swimming charges...
...Dozhier, the man who headed the Bait Shop Conspiracy from Dozhier's Bait Shop and Rainbow Landing, noted, "It's such a sad waste of an incredibly valuable resource...
...Rabczynski had sewn the eggs into her brassiere, but five burst when an uncommonly handsome customs agent stared intently at her bosom, thus alerting the agents to what antipodeans might call a "sticky wicket...
...And 24-year-old Mr...
...The Kosovars were transformed into Serbs...
...Charles de Gaulle, grandson of the late French president, was elected to the European Parliament on the right-wing National Front ticket...
...Plans for marketing the chair in Washington have not been announced, but certainly Zhanjiang Huattan ought to be able to sell a few to the Clinton Presidential Library, and perhaps upon retirement Our President might become an international "Couple Chair" salesman...
...Scott Falater has failed in his historic "sleep-walking defense...
...In Toronto, Canada, a judge denied the claim of Mr...
...RET I go on after m welkin', idnight The American Spectator • August 1999 9...
...In France, Mr...
...El-Mashtoub took to be a reference to the Arab religious title, although it could also be a reference to a prophylactic of the same name that is hugely popular with NFL players on and off the field...
...A glass case containing a single hair from the chin of the Prophet Mohammed was stolen from a mosque in Istanbul...
...Well, that is the consequence of watching too much of the "NewsHour With Jim Lehrer," Mr...
...Prosecution is pending...
...The Zhanjiang Huattan Enterprises Company has just unveiled its "Couple Chair," an office chair in which couples can enjoy sexual congress while at work...
...And in West Blamorgan, England, a Royal Mail carrier kicked a two-pound Yorkshire terrier three feet into the air and twelve feet across a garden to break all outstanding Royal Mail records...
...Rudenstein...
...Voter turnout for the European elections was scant even in Italy, where Euromaniacs went to the desperate extreme of running the calypygian Miss Gina Lollobrigada for the European Parliament...
...Quietly, the Clintons began house-hunting in a Democratic enclave...
...Turkey found Mr...
...Dozhier, who also writes the fur-market column for the Trapper and Predator Caller magazine, was being interviewed on fur trapping...
...Falater's claim that he innocently stabbed his wife 44 times and dragged her into the family swimming pool whilst sleepwalking...
...That Australian swimming coach, Mr...
...Open wearing his traditional knickers...
...On June 9 Mrs...
...And June marked the fourteenth straight month that no mention of the Clintons' cat Socks appeared in the national press...
...Miss Greta Garbo's ashes were secretly buried in Stockholm, Sweden, lest her followers create a disturbance...
...And if there is a National Tuna Association its members had best be on guard...
...Parker Dozhier...
...Payne Stewart won the U.S...
Vol. 32 • August 1999 • No. 8
