The Smoke-Filled Room: Diary of a Hill Rat
Anonymous
THE SMOKE-FILLED ROOM by Anonymous Diary of a Hill Rat Tuesday—Just spent two hours reading the paper. I justify this by occasionally clipping an op-ed and walking it back to the member's office....
...A Bizarre Concept...
...Friday— I pull up the district paper on the Web...
...It has yielded control of the Gaza Strip and of all major "West Bank" cities to the Palestinian Authority and has agreed to detailed plans to grant further autonomy to the Palestinians...
...I spend the rest of the afternoon answering constituent mail...
...Smaller class sizes would keep such disasters more manageable...
...Reading through last week's issues of the Congressional Record to make sure my boss didn't say anything on the floor we didn't know about...
...Instead, we "volunteer" during "lunch...
...These "visual aids" are perfect for convincing nearsighted blue-hairs that we aren't promising tax cuts at the expense of the non-existent Social Security Trust Fund...
...As for Syria, no offered sacrifice for peace seems to be sufficient to satisfy its dictator, President Hafez Assad...
...The Latinos protested the town hall and the editorial page is calling for "leadership" from the state delegation...
...Iraq, under its dictator Saddam Hussein, is a rogue state attacking its neighbors and killing its own citizens...
...Fortunately the paper doesn't print anything...
...it captured the Golan Heights from Syria, which had been used for decades to shell and spread terror over much of northern Israel...
...The District Office calls...
...he has no control over the INS...
...In that peace, Israel granted Jordan a large yearly allowance of fresh water from its own dwindling and meager resources and accepted a petty demand for "border rectification"—yielding of land...
...It was created by Arab propaganda to induce Israel to agree to its dismemberment, to give strategic assets to those who are determined to destroy it...
...The controlled Egyptian press spews daily anti-Israel venom...
...No, his decision won't be influenced by the price of cabbage or cherries...
...Help me out here...
...Yes, we need to "fine tune" the Immigration Act of 1996...
...They write in on education, I send them something on taxes...
...This ad has been published and paid for by FLAME Facts and Logic about the Middle East P.O...
...Here's an amusing letter from someone who likes estate taxes: "I pay too many life taxes...
...The greatest sacrifice for peace that Israel has brought was the resuscitation of the bankrupt and moribund PLO terror organization and the acceptance of it "chairman" Yasser Arafat as a negotiating partner...
...Sometimes this involves several rewrites and a little toning down, but since I've chosen a subject no one knows a thing about, all should go well...
...In the Six-Day War, it recovered its heartland of Judea/Samaria (the "West Bank") and the eastern part of Jerusalem...
...Time for lunch...
...The staff heatedly debates whether the tax-cut section should be colored red or blue, and, after a tense standoff, compromises on yellow...
...The Arab countries, not Israel, are killing peace in the Middle East...
...We cancel a public appearance due to the threat of a protest by Latino groups...
...Here are three good sacrifices that the Arabs could bring for peace: (1) Abandon the insistence on recovering the Golan...
...Of course, this is an unofficial inquiry, that's why I'm on the phone and the congressman isn't writing a letter...
...This article first appeared on TAS Online (www.spectator.org) on April 27, 1999...
...As the world now knows, these weapons were turned on Israeli soldiers and civilians at the very first opportunity that the Palestinian leaders provoked...
...Klan is calling, asking what the Congressman will do...
...The Gore tax...
...What this might mean, no one's quite sure...
...Billy clubs are good enough for London Bobbies...
...Press people love to complain about deadlines...
...Your tax-deductible 56B contribution allows us to publish these important messages...
...The phones were ringing off the hook demanding to know why Congress was giving reformed child molesters a tax break...
...Though technically not in recess, Congress has what is euphemistically called a "district work period," which allows members to spend a week among the voters while their staffers in D.C...
...After lying about which congressman I work for and what committee he's on, I finally scare some lackey into getting me the information...
...What are the facts...
...Israel made sacrifices for peace by signing a peace treaty with Jordan...
...Apparently the congressman stuttered his way through a reading of The Cat in the Hat to the third graders...
...Sudan is engaged in the systematic slaughter and enslavement of its black African people...
...Box 590359 ^ San Francisco,CA 94159 FLAME is a 501(c)(3) educational institution...
...Saudi Arabia is a monarchical tyranny...
...I blame Oprah...
...He needs to stay on message...
...Hours are more relaxed, the halls aren't crowded with lobbyists, and staffers overtake the congressman's office to escape the cluttered confines of the back rooms...
...I predict she will do well...
...I'll put another paragraph in there about benefits...
...It is understood that these "sacrifices" refer to greater "flexibility" in dealing with the Arabs, but mean primarily that Israel should allow its dismemberment, in order to bring peace to the region...
...Also a dinner, which means talking points on taxes—my department—and a Dr...
...The press secretary complains that he wasn't given enough time to do anything...
...Wednesday—Panic...
...I tell them: "He's weighing all considerations very carefully...
...The weekly staff meeting—an excruciating hour...
...Thursday—There's been a big INS crackdown and everyone from the Latinos to the Inside the secret world of constituent services...
...Seuss reading session with a third-grade class...
...2) Stop the clamor about the division of Jerusalem...
...That'll require new talking points...
...She had a show on reformed child molesters and a guest psychologist urged the audience to call their congressmen...
...I'll be dead...
...A sacrifice for peace brought in vain—probably a major act of folly on the part of Israel...
...Since its creation in 1948, Israel has been subjected to almost constant Arab terror, to unceasing Arab aggression, and to three major wars...
...They seem to buy it...
...I'm not concerned about death taxes...
...The staff meeting is over and, coincidentally, so is my conference call...
...In this ill-advised process, foisted on Israel by world pressure and by its previous government, Israel has made far-reaching and existential sacrifices and concessions...
...President Mubarak has never visited Jerusalem...
...I finish writing a nasty letter to the IRS with the figures from the Treasury Department...
...She still has a lot to learn...
...they're a ready excuse for failure...
...But the rest is taxes...
...In Egypt, thousands of Copts have been killed and their churches burned...
...Someone from the local paper was there...
...He needs to talk about benefits...
...These people make incompetence look artful...
...I stare at the new LA to let her know what the pecking order is, and excuse myself, saying I have a "conference call...
...Income tax, sales tax...
...There are a few town halls, which require platitudes about "saving Social Security first" and pie charts on "Where Your Federal Dollar Goes...
...We write back explaining the budget process, and vowing not to touch the fund...
...I spend the afternoon popping in and out of various briefings, finally finding one with free coffee and a danish...
...We need to stay on message here...
...Then there are tours—a hospital, a potato-processing plant, and the local community college...
...How strange that nobody asks the Palestinians or any of the Arab states to bring any sacrifices for peace...
...The scheduling people explain where the member is going to be and what he needs...
...Election laws state that federal employees can't raise money on federal property on the taxpayer's money...
...My job would be a lot easier if constituents stopped getting involved...
...The legislative staff haggles over who's responsible for which talking points and when the member needs them...
...There is persistent pressure on Israel to bring "sacrifices for peace...
...Fortunately, under the current Israeli government such a surrender is not in the cards...
...I've been on the phone with Congressional Affairs at the Treasury Department for over an hour getting bounced around various offices about a very simple question on revenue sources...
...For peace with Egypt, Israel returned the entire Sinai...
...No, they're veterans," says the new LA...
...My words, immortalized in the Congressional Record, and no one will ever know...
...3) Disarm the Palestinian "police...
...In what is probably the ultimate folly in this process, Israel has tolerated the formation of a Palestinian "police force" (actually an army) of 40,000 menthe largest police-to-population ratio in the world (!)—and has equipped this "police force' with a complete arsenal of automatic weapons...
...Gas taxes...
...Blue-hairs" (Hill code for old constituents) don'twrite scraggly notes anymore...
...Nothing...
...What's going on with this INS crackdown...
...Now we're talking about the congressman's appearance at a VFW breakfast, which I'm told will be my responsibility...
...He is unwilling to consider even an ice-cold peace, except for Israel's total surrender of the Golan Heights...
...We've been getting lots of mail on the subject...
...We have a new legislative assistant and I've quietly informed her that the complimentary subscriptions to Sports Illustrated and Hustler come to me...
...It is the coolest possible peace...
...Sacrifices for Peace" What else does the world expect Israel to do...
...He really wants to, but I'm holding him off...
...and it conquered Gaza and the Sinai Desert that had been used by Egypt as staging ground and invasion route to Israel...
...She nods her head seriously...
...Why should any more be needed to patrol Nablus, Hebron and Bethlehem...
...Fine," I say...
...He should talk about cutting taxes," I say...
...The chief of staff arches his eyebrows, nods his head in agreement, and says that's a good idea...
...Is this going to drive up the cost of cherries...
...During my "lunch hour" I write a speech for a fundraiser, while the rest of the staff stuffs envelopes...
...We are putting the finishing touches on some budget charts for a town hall...
...The PLO, apart from the bloody crimes that it has committed against Israel, has now established a virtual dictatorship in the territory allotted to it...
...Plus it saves me the trouble of writing a memo...
...The congressman calls...
...But now we have 35 eager eight-year-olds telling their parents—voters—that the congressman is illiterate...
...In order to achieve peace with its neighbors, Israel brought sacrifices for peace that have no precedent in the history of the world...
...It's hard to remember that any of our constituents is below retirement age...
...Mostly his schedule consists of who's picking him up and who's driving him where...
...trade their suits and ties for khakis and oxfords (Republicans) or jeans and Birks (Democrats...
...I stifle a groan...
...Anyone who doubts the sclerotic nature of bureaucracy, or the arrogance of the executive branch, should try getting an answer out of a federal agency...
...The concept to bring "sacrifices for peace" is a new one that has never before found application in world history...
...62 June 1999 • The American Spectator You deserve a factual look at...
...he asks...
...That's the way to get his attention...
...President Assad of Syria has occupied Lebanon and has killed and tortured thousands...
...There is little thanks on the part of Egypt for this generosity and this sacrifice for peace...
...Many Sacrifices for Peace...
...Now it's moving through the approval process for the congressman's signature...
...they call the 800 number they shouldn't know and yell: "Stop raiding the Social Security Trust Fund," then slowly spell out their name and address twice...
...Congressman, I think it's important that you read this," I say...
...I walk over to the Rayburn House Office Building for a briefing on Chinese missile capabilities and free food, which, to my disappointment, isn't Chinese...
...Death taxes...
...2) Stop the clamor about the division of Jerusalem...
...It's a very real concern...
...He gave one speech...
...3) Disarm the Palestinian "police...
...Here are three good sacrifices that the Arabs could bring for peace: (1) Abandon the insistence on recovering the Golan...
...Dan Quayle couldn't spell "potato," but our boss can barely read at a third-grade level...
...The congressman is out of the office this week...
Vol. 32 • June 1999 • No. 6
