Ben Stein's Diary: Fear Strikes Out
Stein, Benjamin J.
DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Fear Strikes Out Saturday I am scared. Tomorrow we start shooting "Win Ben Stein's Money" again. Hard to believe how fast this long hiatus has flown by. But starting...
...I love that a lot...
...Well, enjoy your time with your family while you may, that's what I say...
...Byron BENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...Dennis, the director...
...LIKE IT...
...How do we know that the Serbs were not badly provoked...
...It's great to tell others to surrender—but it's far greater to surrender to God yourself...
...I came to visit Mom and Pop once here at Stanford, and they were calm and cheerful...
...I think it's all a continuum—the endless, mindless killing in Movieland, the endless, mindless killing of babies, the killing of the old and the sick and the imperfect...
...I hesitated for a while because my show was such a struggle, but then miraculously after all of my prayer and encouragement, the show started to go as smoothly as warm butter goes on toast...
...Killing is routine...
...That's how you pay your bills...
...I didn't ask him anything about Tom Selleck, although I do like Selleck a lot...
...I had actually kept in constant practice, as Hamlet says of his fencing, and I won two and tied one...
...Then, who has been mismanaging the DOD all of these years...
...Why are we helping the Kosovars (funny name) and abandoning the poor Tibetans and the poor Chiapans and the poor Tutsis and the poor peasants of Guatemala...
...Where did we get the idea that Kosovo deserves attention when Sarajevo didn't...
...Instead, he had been a volleyball player pal of Tom Selleck...
...Dizziness, nausea, intense stomach and head pain, feelings of panic, feelings of despair, feelings of suicide...
...Living by my will is a quick route to insanity—living by God's will is the ticket to a quiet, peaceful world...
...Why don't we bomb Peking...
...Then Mommy told me the rest of it...
...Yes, send in commandos to arrest Milosevic by all means...
...There are no big deals...
...Not killing myself is up to me, not to anyone else...
...What a day...
...As far as I could see, it went extremely well...
...I lost two games today, and that's very rare for me...
...My father was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences...
...Then we get to some other issues: Bombing by itself has never won a single war...
...Wednesday H ere I am in New York at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel...
...Friday S peaking of sleep...here I am in a dormitory, Kimball Hall, at Stanford...
...I do not deserve any more than what I have...
...Well, I guess it's because Tommy needs to go to a good public school and because Alex desperately wanted a bigger house (women like big houses in elegant neighborhoods —we men live like pigs anywhere...
...He has a solid, trustworthy character that delights me when I see him...
...Albania was our enemy...
...When all else fails, turn it over to God...
...Didn't we just say a few years ago that Kosovo was filled with terrorists called the KLA...
...Yes, the photos of the Albanian refugees are heart-breaking...
...She's a good girl, but I miss Tommy, who is at a birthday party with friends...
...The handsome woman trap, Andrew...
...The plane was full, but the service was great...
...What happened...
...Then there's the matter of why we are there...
...To be a student, what a life...
...What genius said that it would work against people who are tough as nails and have centuries-long grudges to settle...
...Sunday F first day of shooting...
...Where does it end...
...WRONG...
...Spirituality...
...It's a lovely rambling building on a hill overlooking the Stanford Golf Course...
...We went down to Stanford, where I had a meeting with a venture capitalist for an idea that would help me go from wage slave to capitalist...
...As I walked out to the main hall, there were about fifteen or twenty kids forming a human arch, bowing to "your superior knowledge," as we say on the show...
...We had the best military in the world eight years ago...
...Then I called my pal Phil DeMuth...
...There was not a clinker among them...
...Really, how very, very sad...
...Surrender...
...The best part was that Fishie wants to kiss me...
...Faith is my map...
...I called Barron Thomas...
...And then this coda: When the tape of self-hatred and fear of imminent doom and self-loathing plays in my head, why not take it out and put in a better one that sings, "I am in God's hands—Be Still and Know that He is God...
...I had a fine flight in on United Airlines...
...It was right on time...
...Why am I working myself into a frenzy and losing my money at a frantic pace when I am sick...
...There is just too much riding on whether I can remember who the author of a long-forgotten book or poem was...
...There were many brainos there, and my parents were happy...
...In fact, he is working amazingly hard on his own show, "The Man Show," which will probably be a huge smash hit...
...On the results depends whether I lose five thousand (or as we say "five THOUSAND...
...Wasn't NATO about Russia...
...First, I consulted my books of wisdom gathered and thought of in many 12-step meetings and I read them at great length...
...Getting locked up in that little booth, having a million people look at me while I fumble to answer questions, scares me...
...I cannot think, cannot get my mind around an answer...
...With my angel child, or my goddess wife, I have all I need in life...
...Waiting for her priest friend to get his car and take her home...
...I did not throw up in the isolation booth as I often think I will...
...And multitudes of others whose faces are reassuring indeed...
...I asked her what she was doing there...
...What great young people...
...After the dinner, I signed autographs and then went to the Lexington Avenueexit of the Waldorf to walk to a deli and get some apples...
...Plus, Ryan and Bryan, my hosts from Stanford, picked me up at the gate, so no nonsense with rental cars...
...Edging God Out...
...Los Angeles and fly up to SFO and thence to Stanford...
...And finally, three vital injunctions: 1. Love...
...You're the teacher who gets hit in the head with a pie...
...I love her...
...Wednesday 0 ooh, but what a difference a few days make...
...My life is and always has been unmanageable without the help of God...
...When all is said and done, there are family and friends, and that's it...
...My pals from Stanford met me at the gate...
...Then he threw himself on me and pretended to eat my hands and feet...
...Isn't Albania one of the world's great hubs for shipping heroin...
...It is scary that we have such incompetents running our defense...
...Most of all, I like seeing Jimmy...
...It never fails to amaze the people who produce my show that I drive myself to the set...
...It must have happened, otherwise why would we be at war with it...
...This, I think, is the real secret of Clintonism: they're stupid...
...It was like All About Eve and I was the young aspiring star...
...Oh, by the way, did I mention I'm in New York for the Right to Life Dinner...
...You're just the host...
...If we have a man who says it's all right to kill children if they're not aesthetically and physically perfect, and if we make him a professor at Princeton, what does it say about how much we respect life...
...If we start at infancy and say that human life has no value, if we say that it's all right to kill a baby for any reason we feel like, how far is that from saying that we are allowed to kill anyone we dislike...
...But bomb innocent people so that other innocent people will feel better in the cold and rain...
...I don't get it...
...I have been winning game after game, and so I felt happy enough to detach from the mother ship down in...
...I was awakened reluctantly from my nap by Ryan and Bryan, my two StanThe American Spectator • June 1999 55 ford hosts...
...My seat reclined all the way and made into a bed...
...2. Accept...
...She had no clue who I was, despite a torrent of kids walking by and telling me they loved me...
...On my yellow bedspread, with my yellow painted walls, staring at the little blue-lined notebooks with their brown and blue and green paisley binders and covers, my little gray, white, and brown PuppyWuppy on my side, my son reading his books about dragons, rain falling steadily outside, this is what I read: • Most people, including me, are pathetically and tragically stupid...
...I am just not a suing guy any longer...
...Puppy-Wuppy jumped up on me nonstop...
...God is the director...
...I was hoping that at least thirty students would show up...
...He had 56 June 1999 The American Spectator lived in Santa Barbara but had not known the Pleszczynski family...
...Well, maybe at Stanford, where the kids are very ultra smart...
...They overflowed into the aisles, down the window sills, on the edge of the stage, cheering out "Ben, Ben, Ben...
...Why am I doing this...
...I tucked him in, then I told him tales of the Trojan War, a subject he is obsessed with for some reason, and then I went to bed...
...I love my Puppy-Wuppy, but she ain't Tommy...
...What if I lose all the rest of the games...
...It's not the message, it's the messengers...
...I love it here and Malibu is paradise, but it's lonely without my Tommy boy...
...Now this is going to shock my loyal readers, but I have no complaints at all about my trip to San Francisco...
...Tommy said, "I missed you, big bear Daddy, where were you...
...That's what you do...
...There next to the door on a little chair sat Patricia Neal, toute seule...
...In the third game today, I felt for sure that I was going to throw up in the booth...
...The Serbs are traditionally friends of America...
...Aren't we supposed to have a part of the Constitution about declaring war...
...I just pray that he does not leave WBSM when his show gets rolling in a big way...
...I ate at the Tresidder Student Union, with birds and students flying about...
...Plus, I am nauseous and in pain...
...Where did we ever get the idea that there were no limits to what you could do...
...54 June 1999 • The American Spectator • Fear underlies all of my problems...
...They are really getting their act together mightily...
...No matter who else rejects me, if I am accepted by God, that's all that counts...
...Thirty-four years ago, my Mom and Dad were at Stanford...
...Now I guess it's spread to suburban kids...
...I am not the boss —not of anything...
...I like that, too...
...He said, "Look, the show is about getting hit in the face with a pie by a young kid...
...The only problem is that there is not enough room between seats...
...But didn't the Kosovo Liberation Army commit some crimes, too...
...My star...
...Not a bad day, and I returned home feeling fairly cheerful...
...Not only evil, not just blind—but stupid...
...Can anyone say "scandal...
...Just as I got to my room, I flipped on the TV and saw the terrible story about the massacre in Littleton, Colorado...
...Tommy played his video game...
...With the renunciation of the culture of death and the endless affirmation of the worth of every single life there is...
...Anyway, kudos to United on this shuttle today...
...If we say we're allowed to kill babies, and then extend that to say we're allowed to kill sick people and injured people and old people—because they're also inconvenient—we have lost a lot of respect for life...
...In Movieland, every problem is solved by violence...
...Then, on to home and Tommy...
...The powers that be decided we should work on Sunday, even though I objected...
...Alex read her book...
...I bowed to the Buddha nature in all of them and then gave a little talk about how love and peace and respect for God are more important than money...
...Certainly, the Serbs have behaved badly and even atrociously...
...What craziness goes through these kids' minds to shoot other kids over a few jokes...
...And what about the human rights record of China...
...He offered me a huge stuffed fish and said, "Fishie wants to kiss you...
...Suzi, the hair and makeup girl...
...He taught them the same lesson: it's all right to kill anyone who you find imperfect...
...I lay down on a couch in a lounge and next thing I knew, I was listening to Mozart on my headphones and in a deep sleep...
...We had a fine speech by the Falcons' coach, Dan Reeves, and your servant gave a speech making the points you just read...
...She tried to chew my sleeves off...
...Put yourself in God's hands, and go forward with your day's work — that's health...
...Then off to this lovely dorm to have a nap...
...What is the standard here...
...Joan Didion had a super essay about thirty years ago on how in America, you kill because someone has a bad attitude, and that had spread to bikers and gang members...
...Maybe that's what kids learn...
...Anyway, I am at our house in Malibu and I am scared...
...Now NATO bombs are killing Kosovo refugees by the dozens...
...Friends, who are really God's messengers on earth...
...My wifie wanted to hear about my trip...
...How is that helping them...
...Sunday This definitely proves how stupid I am...
...Serenity...
...The food was so-so, but the memories were overwhelming...
...Then the smell of jasmine, very faintly, then the smell of kids cooking hamburgers on a grill...
...Peace, peace, peace...
...Have they improved...
...Day after day, my Mom would eat at the Tresidder Union and look at the students...
...I may not be much—but I am all I think about...
...I passed out for hours, and then lay staring at the ceiling of the bedroom of our home in the Hollywood Hills...
...But starting tomorrow, yes, Sunday, we lock me up in an isolation booth again and make me answer ten questions in sixty seconds...
...Next time you think of what you need in life tomake your life complete, try this: one person you love...
...Plus, how did we decide on Kosovo...
...They all seemed to like the theme and asked many kind questions...
...I went back to my room and listened to Tommy tell me at length about the latest "South Park...
...But doesn't that mean we should send food and shelter and medicine, not that we should kill other innocent people in Novi Sad...
...What made us think it would win this one...
...When I drove home, I sensed Iwas going to die right then and there on Fountain Avenue in my Cadillac...
...Then I was brought to the campus for a bite to eat...
...I got home, just barely, and crawled into bed...
...Surrender admits you to the best club in town—those saved by acceptance of God's will...
...Of all of the sad places where one group is killing another, why did we choose Kosovo to intervene...
...Sleep, blessed sleep...
...Who was keeping track of weapons procurement and supply...
...Plus I can't sleep thinking about it...
...By myself, I am just a shell...
...My star," she said...
...Look, do you think people watching your show think you're stupid...
...Envy is a way to measure my distance from God...
...What happens to me is not very important...
...still...
...dollars...
...Somehow—I am not sure how it happened—I caught a stomach flu...
...The Serbs were among the most bitter enemies of the Nazis and stood up to Stalin...
...Then I bowed again, signed autographs and answered more questions, and then I was done...
...I arrived at the set under my own power...
...In the terminal at SFO there was a spectacularly good display of radios from all ages...
...Why am I torturing myself...
...on another perfect flight on United...
...But here was a note of sobriety: Among the honored guests was Patricia Neal, one of the great actors of our century and still beautiful and talented and even sexy...
...And I was asleep listening to the zest piano concerto, a cliched but grand piece of music...
...I look out at the ocean and the palms and I think that they will be around whether I win or lose —and so will I. But still I'm scared...
...But do they appreciate it...
...Houses with palm trees on Crescent Drive get paid for with pies in the face...
...Do you think they say, 'Hey, there's that stupid Ben Stein, that dopey guy...
...But then so does Jimmy Kimmel and so does everyone else on the show, so why shouldn't I?) There were all my old pals...
...What did Clinton do to it...
...What would we have done if Russia had invaded Germany and France if we can't even get it together to fight Yugoslavia...
...Murder, rape, driving people from their homes—these are dreadful crimes...
...The boys who killed in Colorado were surely not aware of the professor at Princeton...
...I would like to respectfully offer another part of the puzzle...
...How she loved flowers and birds ....There were the same lattice-work metal chairs, the same oaks, the same little black birds, and even the lines at the coffee house were the same...
...I stood with her and kept her company...
...Well-informed Terry, the question man...
...If you diss someone, you die...
...Finally, the priest never appeared so I got Pat Neal a cab, put her in it, and off she went all alone...
...Terrible feelings...
...Have I missed the repeal of the Constitution...
...The problem is powerlessness —the solution is also powerlessness...
...How incredibly sad...
...I called John Mankiewicz...
...I feel as if I have cotton between my ears...
...If you get on at any stage of the ride, what you learn is to disrespect life...
...Then, on to Kresge Hall...
...Glore, the co-producer of the show...
...I forget when Congress declared war on Yugoslavia...
...I brushed my teeth (I am a tooth-brushing fiend) and prepared my soul to speak...
...Ask Ben Stein" only at TAS Online, www.spectator.org The American Spectator Jun e 1999 57...
...But if somehow Congress forgot to declare war, and Clinton is waging war anyway, isn't there something wrong...
...You're not In the third game today I felt for sure that I was going to throw up in the booth...
...Tonight I think I will be able to sleep...
...The lovely and graceful Anne Miller...
...Thank you God for my dogs, my father, my sister, my son, most of all, my wifie, and for letting me be an American in 1999...
...Well, I guess it's for money and fame, but...
...But not so deep that I could not smell the cut grass through the window...
...Didn't anyone calculate how fast they get used up and store up enough to make a difference...
...This is what friends are for...
...I don't get it at all...
...the director of the show," he said...
...What if am laughed off the set and into oblivion and lose my show...
...We played our first three games...
...Ego and pride are ways to measure my distance from God...
...We honored Wellington Mara, owner of the New York Giants NFL team and a great guy...
...Its rulers kill far more of their own people year by year than Milosevic does...
...There were about 700 in a room that holds 600...
...That's the way it's always been in Hollywood...
...Maybe it's from the Hollywood media...
...Still, I am upset...
...In God's name, I must respect life—including my own life...
...I was humbled...
...For a while, as I rested in bed, Tommy made himself into amoeba man, gathering a blanket over him and then eating everything in his path...
...Cold sweat keeps breaking out on my forehead...
...How can we be running out of cruise missiles...
...Saturday I am out at our house in Malibu with Puppy-Wuppy...
...And since when did NATO have the right to declare war on a tiny nation that is no danger to the U.S...
...They have improved their service so much I can scarcely believe it...
...However, I am not going to sue...
...As always, there was a lot of confusion about my room, but soon I had a huge suite that had apparently once been occupied by the widow of Douglas MacArthur...
...I lost and I called the show off for the day...
...I met the enemy—my own fear—and lived to tell the tale...
...And by the way, my SpellCheck does not even recognize a word such as Kosovo...
...Yaniv, my bodyguard...
...How on earth would we have fought the Russians if we are running out of weapons fighting a tiny, poor nation of about ten million...
...To have been a star, to still be a star, and yet to be alone on a chair in the back lobby of a hotel...
...God lives in the results —I live in the little baby steps...
...I sat in the booth and survived...
...Why not bomb Moscow...
...But not in top physical shape, and helped around by a priest and a friend...
...Why am I doing all this to make myself miserable...
...I read these and many more...
...Ego," he said...
...When did that change...
...Wednesday T he dinner went well...
...I havealways been a fan of great radio design, and some of these in early plastic, especially from the 1940's and 1950's, are just amazingly creative...
...All of the producers...
...They learned the lesson and they killed on what would have been his — Hitler's — noth birthday...
...What was our strategy...
...Today I could just imagine my mother sitting there next to me telling me the names of the flowers and birds...
...A huge Polish man met me at Kennedy and drove me in to Manhattan...
...I was invited to come up here and speak to the Stanford Republicans...
...Plus it upsets my stomach...
...It has been attacking me, making me woozy and ill...
...But they were apparently big fans of a close cousin, Adolf Hitler...
...And Russia's brutality towards Chechnya was off the map, beyond belief...
...He seems to take everything in stride, sitting on the safe, swinging his legs, as if nothing bothered him...
...Al Burton, my dearest comrade and the inventor of the show, whose loyalty really deserves a monument...
...You cannot lose if you are on your knees in prayer...
...When the man in front of me reclined similarly, his seat crushed my little feetsies...
...How did I get myself into a corner like this where I desperately need the money to pay for a huge house in Beverly Hills that I never needed in the first place...
...Back to L.A...
...3. Don't judge—not even yourself...
...But she was tired and had been waiting for twenty minutes all alone...
Vol. 32 • June 1999 • No. 6
