The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Our Wartime President; the Kremlin ward; pet turtle soup March will be enhaloed in history as the month wherein the Boy President was transformed from being esteemed a Draft...
...John Pilley, an inmate at Gartree prison in Leicestershire serving a life sentence for kidnapping, will become the country's first male prisoner to undergo a sex-change operation—after which he will be transferred to a woman's prison...
...Gershon Legman, the autodidact who claimed to have opened the field of erotic folklore to scholarly study in the 1960's...
...King is being sought on charges of wife beating and child abuse...
...The violinist Mr...
...Better sound through research e lelmhone...
...Word leaked from her agents in the White House that she was contemplating divorce and running for the Senate...
...Craig Warburton, an exuberant employee of the Conservatory Roofing Systems Company, was fined nearly a thousand dollars for firing compressed air up a fellow worker's trousers and causing bodily harm...
...March also saw some revisionist history from the first lady...
...Mitchell attempted to fill out his marriage license application with his automobile's vital details and was filing his fiancée's blood type as lo-W-4o when a large, uncomprehending fat woman threw him out of the office...
...Chau Chao-ping, an illegal immigrant, was jailed for two years for eating a neighbor's pet turtle...
...Arresting him is always ticklish business...
...Volume I: 1992-1995, An American Erection...
...Buster Mitchell, 28, from marrying his 1996 Mustang GT...
...8 May 1999 • The American Spectator wage freeze, but security regulations bar them from discussing their actions publicly...
...Now the Times has added to her travail by publishing a studio memo that casts further doubt on Miss Brook's intellect...
...Clinton misspoke when she blamed all her problems on a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy...
...Precisely thirty-one years after Rhodes Scholar Bill Clinton took a pass on that Congressional Medal of Honor awaiting him in Vietnam, a fully matured President Bill Clinton faced the Wehrmacht of Adolph Milosevic and neither flinched nor burned his draft card...
...Rather, from the Oral Office he rallied the Nation with oratory, uplifting and incomprehensible...
...Primakov might take a room down the hall...
...Author of a two-volume psychoanalytic study, "Rationale of the Dirty Joke," he claimed to have coined the term "Make Love, Not War" at Ohio University in 1963...
...She never missed a beat, so to speak, but now complains that the role left her "emotionally drained...
...Apparently the Clintons have been undone by a Vast White-Ring Conspiracy...
...As the month ended, the future of the entire Los Angeles police department was imperiled as a warrant was issued for the arrest of Mr...
...British actress Miss Jane Horrocks, who played Bubble in Absolutely Fabulous, is ending her successful theater career owing to a controversy that still haunts her 1995 urinary triumph in Macbeth...
...In Canada, 750 members of the country's top-secret a spy unit may be on strike...
...The S19,000 procedure is being paid for by the government...
...Ever since the lovely Miss Brook replaced the famously cerebral Miss Denise Van Outen as co-host of London's most popular morning television show, The Big Breakfast, the British press has not tired of identifying the newcomer as "a former bra model...
...Moreover, Miss Monica Lewinsky — she of the stained dress —was becoming an international celebrity...
...And it produces a rich, natural sound quality comparable to audio systems costing thousands of dollars...
...Finally, in London awaiting Adolph Milosevic's blitz, Peter Hitchens of the Daily Express had the courage to laugh...
...Yeltsin's chief of staff, the head of Russia's Security Council, and the chairman of Russia's Constitutional Court...
...Cast as a particularly pungent Lady Macbeth, Miss Horrocks was directed to urinate on stage every night...
...How will they go...
...In Malaysia, government troops shot 64,000 pigs in three villages in the state of Negri Sembilan...
...DNA—tres chic...
...It may be small...
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...Finally this unique president has a title for the last volume of his multi-volume presidential memoir...
...Rodney King, the millionaire victim of prior police brutality...
...By month's end he was sleeping under his bed and peering into the skies above for any sign of incoming Serbian air armadas...
...Revelations that her husband was a rapist had presented image problems for her within the feminist movement...
...In Indonesia, disagreement between an ethnic Malay and an ethnic Dayak over a bus fare ignited four days of violence, leaving sixty-four people dead,13,600 homeless, and Soo buildings afire...
...In Downers Grove, Illinois, the United Methodist Church found the Rev...
...The next day her rental car was hit by the same car at an intersection...
...The crime is without precedent in French history...
...Oskar Lafontaine, quit...
...The government simply deemed them a health hazard...
...The pigs were not using public transportation and had neither ethnic nor religious grievances with the troops...
...Because, like the system itself, it's available directly from Bose...
...But the Bose Acoustic Wave' music system is definitely an overachiever...
...They have 8 been negotiating with the Defense Department over a six-year GAP—outre passe...
...Steve Forbes announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, joining the field with Lamar Alexander and Senator Bob Smith...
...Volume IV: Impeachment, Unpeachment, and That Rape Charge, and now Volume V War, the Valium Years...
...White House conspiracy theorists might take an interest...
...We know that's hard to believe...
...According to London's Daily Telegraph, President Yeltsin has deftly shifted the Russian seat of power from the Kremlin and the Duma to Russia's posh Central Clinical Hospital from whence he and as many as a half dozen of the country's most powerful officials are directing policy, among them Mr...
...Actually, the two conferred on national security matters, had some bloodwork done, and the prime minister returned home...
...Yehudi Menuhin died, aged 82, and Mr...
...Volume III: The Monica Years...
...In Hong Kong, Mr...
...The hell that is the life of London's Miss Kelly Brook has just become more infernal...
...Gregory Dell guilty of presiding over a tasteless marriage ceremony involving two lesbians and God knows what else...
...Jilted by his girlfriend, Mr...
...According to a very snippy report in the Times, the memo cautions that "all intros and links [uttered by Miss Brook] should be kept as simple as possible with alliteration and obscure words kept to a minimum—words that have recently caused trouble incl...
...So we're ready to prove it...
...He was a notorious liar...
...There he sat, absolutely alone, no intern in sight, a gas mask dangling from his belt, air-raid sirens sounding in his ears...
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...In Knoxville, Tennessee, a mindless bureaucracy barred Mr...
...Get a life, fellows...
...The desperado placed the snake on the counter next to the florist's cash register and ordered his victim to empty the till as the snake coiled menacingly...
...Death claimed 81-yearold Mr...
...intrepid' and 'satirical.'" The Times again repeated the line about Miss Brook being a "former bra model," adding gratuitously that she is 19...
...In South Wales, Mr...
...He referred to NATO as the military wing of CNN...
...In Moscow, President Boris Yeltsin's government has introduced another innovation...
...The complete system measures just 10.5"H x 18"W x 6.5"D yet features a compact disc player, an AM/FM radio, built-in speakers, a handy remote control, and our patented acoustic waveguide speaker technology...
...In Orleans, France, an unnamed florist was robbed by a snake-wielding bandit...
...Courage...
...pet turtle soup March will be enhaloed in history as the month wherein the Boy President was transformed from being esteemed a Draft Dodger to being exalted as Our Wartime President...
...Volume II: The Opening to China...
...The first crash totaled her car...
...RET Why ca n't I just get a long...
...G4535...
...Yeltsin, who has spent much of the year at the hospital, has his own color television and free video games...
...Sieg what...
...In Iceland, a woman who had not had an automobile accident in twenty years was hit by the same car twice in twenty-four hours...
...Also from the United Kingdom comes word that Mr...
...In fact, when Prime Minister Yevgeny Primakov visited Yeltsin at the hospital after NATO hostilities with Serbia forced him to abort his mission to Washington, officials speculated that Mr...
...Germany's left-wing finance minister, Mr...
...Apparently Mrs...
...Or maybe they are not...
Vol. 32 • May 1999 • No. 5
