The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Fate of the Union; elephant patties; frolicking co-eds 0 3 C 0 We shall move on now from the month of January to the month of February—the people want us to move on. But...
...Then hundreds of Princeton sophomores remove their smelly clothes and rush out into the snow to frolic in a celebration of sex and drugs that has caused much merriment among the university's sexually repressed faculty members...
...Moreover, they treated the sensitive Mr...
...The ceremony, which dates all the way back to 1992, erupts spontaneously with the first snowfall...
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...It all depends on whether the school board can afford a Williams and Connolly legal defense team...
...The Denny's restaurant chain is again under scrutiny from civil rights monitors...
...Nissen to "take the mask off" because "it isn't funny," the sap did and was promptly arrested...
...What would a decline in the stock market do to your stocks, mutual funds and retirement accounts...
...Chris Ofili, the Nigerian sculptor famed for his work in elephant excrement...
...The trial of Our Virgin President began in the Senate, where Senator Strom Thurmond, 96, was accused of bringing the president's toothsome lady lawyers fruits and nuts...
...Ofili has the prize money and large crowds of urban sophisticates line up daily in front of the Tate to view his masterpiece, unassumingly titled "The Adoration of Captain S--t...
...The unforeseen health problem cast doubt on his re-election plans and his hopes to open a worldwide chain of health food stores in the year 2000...
...Louis, Missouri, with President Bill Clinton, America's first Roman Catholic president since John F. Kennedy and a member of the Knights of Columbus...
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...Actually the exuberant cleric may merely have been borrowing from Vice President Al-Gore, who rates the president as "one of our greatest presidents...
...Did you know that if your funds are in the stock market, your principle is at risk...
...Then he traveled the country booming the bogus brew and hit pay dirt in Buffalo, New York, where a local minister greeted him as "the greatest president for our people of all time...
...In Kabul on January 15 Islamic rigorists of the Taliban Party executed a convicted sodomite, Mr...
...The president, once a legendary Wall Street investor for Solomon Brothers, will have the government invest Social Security funds in the stock market, but the plan will be insulated from politics...
...Whether he will be able to save Medicare depends in part on the Republicans, whom he has told members of his National Security Council he suspects of fomenting religious strife among members of the Christian Right and Kurdish extremists living in Long Island...
...The Montana Human Rights Bureau is investigating charges that Mr...
...The dignity of London's Turner Prize for art has been preserved...
...One even had the gauche effrontery to disparage them as "just crap...
...Later in January the Great One returned to Washington to offer his budget: spending up, taxes up, fiscal responsibility...
...One of Princeton University's best-loved traditions, the Nude Olympics, may be abolished...
...Russia's President Boris Yeltsin surprised his countrymen on January 17 when he turned up at the Central Clinical Hospital with a bleeding ulcer...
...Clinton agrees with him, though she is not anti-Kurdish...
...nervous about the stock market...
...Clarence Watson, two of Montana's rare adherents to the Islamic faith, suffered materially and spiritually when some unknown fiend working in the kitchen at a Denny's in Helena introduced small pieces of bacon and ham into their meals against their expressed wishes...
...President Clinton announced a plan to save Social Security...
...On January 3o he passed up the Alfalfa Club dinner for the second year in a row, preferring instead, perhaps, to accompany Mr...
...Apparently, however, none of the zoo keepers is a graduate of any of London's superb art schools...
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...Khan's sentence would have been commuted had he lived, though the wall would remain badly damaged...
...The Pope denounced capital punishment after meeting in St...
...According to Taliban reading of the Koran, Mr...
...Michael DeBakey's coronary bypass team at Baylor University, has been increasingly concerned about the public funding of American health care since his sister, Princess Grace of Monaco, died in an automobile accident en route to his first inauguration...
...What would you say to: Your Principal is...
...Henri perished after local rustics forced him to eat the chicken: meat, feathers, bones, beak, and all...
...Finally, President Clinton announced a plan to shift u. percent of the projected federal budget surplus to Medicare...
...Jesse Jackson, founder of Microsoft, explained, the government will steer clear of all alcohol and tobacco stocks and companies that have been niggardly about investing in progressive policies...
...But first recall January...
...Gay travel agents are definitely suspending all references to Afghanistan Jabba the pornographer and opera lover There will be no nude smoking on my watch 8 March 1999 • The American Spectator from their Year Two Thousand Gay Travel Guide...
...And justice also has had its day in Yaounde, Cameroon, where a chicken thief known only as Mr...
...Nissen, a frequent habitué of the gaming tables and a born loser...
...Shuma Khan, by knocking over a is-foot wall on his person...
...Unfortunately, this year Princeton President Harold Shapiro discovered that some students had imbibed strong drink and probably smoked cigarettes during the orgies...
...Ofili might have to share his prize money with the zoo employees who actually shoveled the waste for him...
...When the clerk told Mr...
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...The child, whose name has not even been published in the London tabloids, suffered an unbalanced bosom...
...The president, once a junior member of Dr...
...Last month the committee conferred its prestigious award on Mr...
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...That brown blob found in Houston schoolteacher Miss Melody Vizi's vegetarian salad during lunch at Bonner Elementary School turned out to be a recently deceased frog, but maybe the frog is a kind of broccoli...
...Angry faculty members may boycott this year's faculty skateboard grand prix...
...Abdussalam Sipes and Mr...
...Ofili very rudely, snickering at his apprehensions that they keep his artistic materials warm...
...Larry Flynt, the administration's new culture adviser, to a performance of Richard Wagner's rarely heard opera Pantyhozen...
...The Crisis continues...
...As the plan's fellow advocate, the Rev...
...Ofili's trademark globs of elephant feces, now on display in a specially ventilated wing of the Tate Gallery, originated in the London Zoo's filthy elephant cages, leading art critics to speculate that Mr...
...Secretary of Defense William Cohen claimed that the Clinton administration is going to proceed with the development of a strategic missile defense program goaded by the president himself, a long-time proponent of strategic defense and former aide to Admiral Hyman Rickover in the Navy's nuclear submarine program...
...I am simply not willing to wait until a student dies," announced the scantily clad educator on January 16...
...S.E.P...
...The boundless promise of Prime Minister Tony Blair's New Labour Party was exemplified by the National Health Service's agreement to pay for a breast implant for a 12-year-old girl...
...His November 4 attempted robbery was foiled by a sharp-nosed casino clerk who, when accosted by a masked robber, recognized his pungent cologne as being that of Mr...
...Condoms remained undistributed...
...Continued slaughter in Kosovo caused President Bill Clinton, himself a Vietnam war hero and captain in the Marine Corps Reserves, to suggest the possibility of sending American ground troops to mediate...
...It is not known what precisely the president said about his trial in the Senate, but we do know that he and his excitable wife believe that they are being pursued by a "vast right-wing conspiracy," and who knows how the Republicans are interpreting the federal Posse Comitatis Act...
...San Francisco authorities are on the lookout for a thief who twice robbed pedestrians from a motorized wheelchair in the city's Chinatown district...
...I.R.A...
...Jerold Nissen of Aberdeen, South Dakota, was sentenced to seven years in the hoosegow for robbing a casino...
...Defiant of those who said a president on trial for bemanuring his office ought not to give a public State of the Union message, the youthful president delivered a fattening speech that promised over fifty versions of snake oil...
Vol. 32 • March 1999 • No. 3
