The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Having to win; an old geezer sneezer; Harry Laden 1 0 November was a winning month for Mr. Bill Clinton, America's first truly undisgraceable president. The month witnessed...
...In Kosovo the Boy President's mediators were being ignored by both Serbs and Albanians...
...The meeting lasted half an hour, and President Jiang seemed well when he left...
...Elders's sexual regimen, masturbation...
...He claimed never to have taken a bath in his entire life or to have washed his clothes or shaven...
...Laden's membership in dispute...
...In fact he looked very much like a 1960'5 peace demonstrator, though without the usual police record for drug offenses, shoplifting, or any sexual indiscretion more serious than his goat thing...
...McCartney spent most of his middle years traveling the roads of his favored region in a steel-wheeled wagon surrounded by a score or more of goats with whom he lived intimately...
...Taki believes he can save Mr...
...Joycelyn Elders, now on a national lecture tour, could point to Monica's and Bill's relationship as a model for America's teenagers...
...According to analysts at the European Committee on Standards, the new condom will be 0.4 inches longer than most condoms on sale in Europe, a finding unlikely to placate Mrs...
...President Yeltsin, sneezing and sniffling with one of his signature viruses, went through a box of Kleenexes while reassuring the German leader that the Russian economy is on the mend and in need of only modest financial aid, which Chancellor Schroder refused...
...RET A medical breakthrough: some like it hot...
...Taki has also spoken out in the London Spectator against the world-wide calumniation of Saudi millionaire Mr...
...bin Laden as a London playboy called Harry Laden, a harmless card player and member in good standing at London's venerable gentlemen's club, White's...
...Victorian laws proscribing the flying of kites in London have been expunged along with earlier laws against beating rugs in public, rolling casks on the sidewalk, and appearing in Westminster fully suited in armor...
...Later in November President Jiang Zemin met with President Yeltsin and his mission was even riskier...
...Dirks's account in arrears did anyone think to bother him...
...Hillary, of course, would oppose the reconciliation notwithstanding an abundance of evidence in the Starr Report that the famous couple was scrupulous about practicing safe sex—most notably staying up late into the night to practice the safest sex of all, telephone sex...
...Osama bin Laden as a philanthropist of terror...
...Yet from his powerful position as chairman of the membership committee of White's Club, Mr...
...And in her new study of cosmetic surgery, Lift, Miss Joan Kron has revealed her findings that two of the most famous breasts of the twentieth century were artificially enhanced...
...Moreover, as is documented in several of the Starr Report's crucial footnotes, they availed themselves of that indispensable element of Dr...
...Finally the month was enlivened by two historical disputes that will threaten the reputations of two magisterial American figures for years...
...Wolfgang Dirks...
...Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair continues to modernize his domain by eliminating superannuated laws...
...Taki insists that for years he has known the much-maligned (and astoundingly good-looking...
...Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher's admonitions that the European Union's bureaucrats would intrude into one's most intimate personal concerns were borne out when Brussels's Eurocrats decreed a single standard for the Eurocondom...
...Also from Russia comes news that filmmaker Mr...
...The month witnessed a diminution in the Republicans' majority in the House of Representatives, the retirement of House Speaker Newt Gingrich, faltering momentum behind impeachment, and at least some prospect that Monica and Bill might get back together...
...By the end of the month the Wye River Accords had pretty much been filed in history's dustbin, and President Sad-dam Hussein was again pulling on our undisgraceable president's ears and kicking him in the pantaloons...
...Alexander Sorokin has offered Miss Monica Lewinsky $4.5 million to play herself in a movie about her life with the president in the Oral Office...
...Death claimed Mr...
...Only when his landlord noticed Mr...
...Still, the return of Monica to presidential service could have commendable public policy consequences...
...A committee led by international humanitarian Mr...
...Unfortunately some members are placing Mr...
...On November 25 the country's highest court, the Court of Lords, ruled that former British ally General Augusto Pinochet of Chile would remain in custody while Spain attempts to extradite him...
...Taki Theodoracopulos is protesting...
...Germany's new chancellor, Herr Gerhard Schroder, garnered high marks from world leaders when despite the manifest risks to his own health he met for two hours with Russian President Boris Yeltsin —and at close quarters...
...By this time President Yeltsin had been hospitalized with pneumonia, but President Jiang walked right in the front door, eschewing both surgical masks and rubber gloves...
...So dismal has the Russian economy become that a few miles outside Moscow thieves using heavy-duty equipment stole eight tons of therapeutic mud from a lakeside health spa...
...Charles McCartney, 97, described by the New York Times as "one of the nation's most endearing eccentrics" and certainly its smelliest...
...This year's meeting of the American Historical Association will be a hot one...
...You won't have me to kick around anymore I want to go home—who wants to die in Madrid...
...Former Surgeon General Dr...
...It is to be 6.8 inches in length and 2.3 inches in diameter...
...From friendly Hamburg, Germany, comes good news for the friends of Mr...
...Svetlana Gnutova, the spa's owner, valued the mud at nearly $1,000 and urged authorities to look for fingerprints...
...Laden's membership at least until he comes in from the desert to defend himself...
...On the foreign policy front the Boy President's fortunes were not so dazzling...
...And Russian financial reforms looked like a concoction devised by Professor John Kenneth Galbraith and Mussolini...
...Dirks, who has not been heard from for five years, was located on November zo sitting quietly in front of his television set, his Christmas tree lights flashing incongruously beside him...
...He seems to have died in December of 1993, according to the television listing found on his skeletal lap...
...It's a story about a man who can't express his normal human feelings," explains Mr...
...Thatcher and her fellow Little Englanders...
...8 January 1999 • The American Spectator Yet some traces of Britain's oppressive history remain...
...Dirks was a quiet man, and now his television set needs a new tube...
...General Pinochet's case is more difficult...
...Fortunately her tests proved negative, though she remains angry...
...The journal Nature published DNA findings that either President Thomas Jefferson fathered a child via his slave, Sally Hemings, or some other male Jefferson did...
...In South Korea, a hospital technician's understandable eagerness to begin his four-day public holiday left an indignant patient trapped for 29 hours in an MRI machine...
...According to Miss Kron, both the left and the right breasts of Miss Marilyn Monroe were surgically tumefied in the early 1950's...
...Known across the South and Midwest as "the Goat-man," Mr...
...The technician did pass the film of the patient's tests to the surgical department before leaving on holiday, but surgeons could not find their patient until she freed herself from the pitch-dark scanner chamber...
...Early in November the monarchy lost its right to possess all whale carcasses found on Britain's beaches...
...The general, who is 83 and unarmed, had come to the country with diplomatic immunity for surgery...
...Sorokin, who would not divulge how much he would offer President Clinton to play himself...
Vol. 32 • January 1999 • No. 1
