Last Call: Not a Prayer
Queenan, Joe
LAST CALL by Joe Queenan Not a Prayer G OD, SO LONG ABSENT FROM THE NATION'S sports pages, was back in the news on April 21, in Green Bay, Wisconsin, of all places. Seemingly, when the National...
...Curiously, cagers do not bless themselves before grabbing rebounds, setting picks, or tossing up hopeless three-pointers, nor have I ever seen a player bless himself before trying to guard Michael Jordan one-on-one...
...I am not blaming God for this, and I am not suggesting that He has a special animus against Philadelphia's notoriously demanding fans...
...CLEARLY, GOD'S FASCINATION WITH PROFESSIONAL sports is not limited to the gridiron...
...But His compassion for the Good Thief extended only as far as forgiveness...
...The prayer session would seem to suggest that a team starting an accused rapist has a more direct pipeline to the divine than the greatest team in the history of the sport...
...This is the one instance in which a fervent display of piety would actually make perfect sense...
...When I signed a five-year deal last year, I promised the Packers I would play for two more years...
...Or maybe they're actually repenting, and promising that it won't ever happen again...
...The Lord spoke and said, 'You made a promise and you should fulfill the promise.'" GOD'S INTIMATE FAMILIARITY WITH MR...
...On that particular evening, Mason was the man who led his team to victory...
...God obviously does write straight in crooked lines...
...Pro basketball players are noted for blessing themselves before they attempt foul shots, creating the impression that God has taken a personal interest in the outcome of the game...
...On the one hand, it is reassuring to know that these gladiators, having spent the past three hours gouging one another's eyes out, have engineered a way to make their work seem meet and just in the eyes of the Lord...
...Seemingly, when the National Football League's all-time sack leader Reggie White announced a few weeks earlier that he was retiring from the Green Bay Packers with four years left on his contract, God had personally taken exception to the decision...
...One of the Hornets' stars is Anthony Mason, a player arrested last year for allegedly raping a teenage girl...
...STILL, WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, THERE ARE TIMES when ostentatious displays of religious fervor send a confusing message...
...God's involvement in the once-great QB's career continued straight through his team's first-round upset of the New York Giants, though divine intervention was conspicuously absent the following week when the Vikes got massacred by the 49ers...
...He was not moved to spare the Good Thief his horrible fate...
...five years ago, when he left the Philadelphia Eagles, God had also intervened in the contract negotiations, advising him to choose the Packers over the 49ers, perhaps because of a better deferred payment arrangement...
...The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl in my lifetime, and I'm not getting any younger...
...I am only saying that, if it is true that God writes straight in crooked lines, I wish he would do more writing at Veterans Stadium...
...So crooked that only He can read them...
...ciji,} 86 July 19 9 8 • The American Spectator...
...AS A LONG—SUFFERING EAGLES FAN, I HAVE ALWAYS been a tad perplexed, perhaps even annoyed, at the immense interest God manifests in the careers of Philadelphia's professional athletes once they leave the City of Brotherly Love...
...It has long been my hope that some enterprising cable network like ESPN2 would add a new statistic to their graphics —"percentage of foul shots made by players who bless themselves" —and then contrast this with "percentage of foul shots made by non-sectarians" or "percentage of foul shots made by Buddhists...
...WHITE'S contract will come as no surprise to fans of the industrious defensive end...
...Indeed, it is quite remarkable how often God has taken a personal interest in the careers of former Eagles...
...Last December, Randall Cunningham, the star quarterback on Buddy Ryan's underachieving late-198o's Eagles squad, told the New York Post that God had personally summoned him out of retirement and suggested that he take a position as backup QB for the Minnesota Vikings...
...Back in 1992, when White finished his career with the Eagles, God made no effort to get him to re-sign with a team that needed him a whole lot more than the Packers or the 49ers...
...ANOTHER PUBLIC DISPLAY OF RELIGIOUS FERVOR THAT has become popular is the post-game prayer where football players from both teams gather in the end zone and silently pay homage to the Almighty...
...As we know from the story of the Good Thief, Jesus is ready and willing to give His absolution to all those who earnestly request it...
...No sooner had the Charlotte Hornets nipped the Chicago Bulls 78-76 in a May 7, second-round NBA playoff game than the victors gathered together for a brief prayer...
...Their behavior is certainly no more illogical than the sight of George Foreman, an ordained minister, pummeling his adversaries into dog food during his heavyweight prize fights...
...God persuaded me to come back, and I always listen to what God says," explained White, an ordained minister...
...Nor did God ever make any documented attempt to get Cunningham to stop throwing into dense coverage all the years he was room-servicing interceptions to the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins...
...Meanwhile, Jordan and his Bulls sullenly marched off the court...
Vol. 31 • July 1998 • No. 7
