The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS We told them so; sick chicks; guess who came to dinner? January passes and so does all that pious talk about The American Spectator's "silly obsession with the Clintons." In...
...Actually it is more vast than she admits...
...The conspiracy is reputedly funded by Mr...
...He will be an ambulatory absurdity...
...In fact at the end of the month Mr...
...In Hong Kong over a dozen people were struck down with Bird Flu...
...He does sound more like the Rev...
...There they refused sandwiches offered 4 now my ent ABCs Now I k impeachm but not ems I believe—in int 8 March 1998 • The American Spectator by the management and demanded oysters and champagne—not the cheap stuff either...
...Researchers at Pennsylvania State University have found that Yellowstone National Park emits tons of carbon dioxide...
...Hold on, fellows...
...It was not the staff of this sober-minded magazine of scholarship and the arts that instructed America's greatest president since Warren G. Harding to misuse bodyguards, state credit cards, state property, and ultimately a 21–year-old White House intern...
...With unemployment in the double digits left-wing demonstrators repeatedly took to the streets in January, shouting rude oaths at Prime Minister Lionel Jospin and refusing to act like model members of the proletariat...
...Rarely does history ebb and flow with such embarrassing violence...
...It is a Biblical reading propounded also by another spellbinder, the Rev...
...We just reported the high jinks...
...But Hillary is not the only surprising addition to the right-wing conspiracy...
...And what if those trucks were bearing condoms...
...Mad cow disease is no longer the world's most amusingly named illness...
...Finally on January 24 Mr...
...During the month the wisenheimers moved from serene meditations on Boy Clinton's possible legacy to meditations on his possible impeachment and eventual enrollment in Sex Addicts Anonymous...
...A guide to over ioo of the city's toilets, it esteems them for both comfort and hygiene...
...Hillary Milhous Clinton attributed January's setbacks to "a vast right-wing conspiracy...
...Our first Troopergate story (published just four years before the present unhappiness) even had Arkansas state trooper Larry Patterson retailing Boy Clinton's theory of exculpatory fellatio...
...And the seasonal warfare may extend to an attack on the celebration of New Year's...
...Sam Donaldson and various Washington wisenheimers were actually talking about the passing of the Clintons...
...You can understand the president's fascination...
...RET at cakeampagne Let them e and sip ch The American Spectator • March 1998 9...
...It is sort of like poisoning Santa's reindeer," remarked Miss Marie Mandoli, owner of the company...
...The plot thickens, and forget not that Hillary was once a Goldwater Girl...
...Last month conservative sophisticates were abandoning The American Spectator's sinking ship...
...At the end of the month polls showed our Unindicted President's approval rating soaring...
...British tabloids reported that Mr...
...Watch for him to burst into tears and beg understanding, forgiveness, and perhaps a staff position at the National Organization for Women, where he might continue his career of "public service" while relieving certain tensions with that rare NOW member who admires a man like the president, a man devoted to coitus noninterruptus...
...President Clinton again demonstrated his superb political touch by releasing a statement lauding Ramadan...
...Lisa Marie wants to have my baby and I'm very proud and honored," reports Mr...
...and we did so starting a long time ago, four years ago to be precise...
...With the passage of a few more months the magnitude of his infamy will have settled upon the national consciousness...
...Only the cigar-chomping disciples of Mr...
...We feel terrible...
...Rush Limbaugh envisaged the higher wisdom and basic humanity of using the surplus to reduce the federal government's odious tobacco tax...
...More suspicious still, it was revealed that he donated heavily to Mrs...
...Back in the States politicians exultant at the prospect of a balanced budget and even a surplus debated how to use the windfall...
...In the case of the Boy President he is famous for being infamous...
...Jesse Jackson all the time...
...Republicans inclined toward tax cuts, Democrats toward an increase in social services...
...Would there not be national outrage...
...Obviously, once a Goldwater Girl always a Goldwater Girl...
...Major media have joined in and begun to present the kind of stories that once were found only in The American Spectator, the Washington Times, and on the editorial page of the hellish Wall Street Journal...
...Donaldson even led televised seminars predicting the ithyphallic pol's imminent resignation...
...We never surgically outfitted the Packwood of Pennsylvania Avenue with the sexual glands of an orangutan or pumped aphrodisiacs into the Oval Office's room freshener...
...Richard Mellon Scaife...
...Ramadan is the holy month observed by Islam, one of the world's last religions to practice polygamy...
...The magic of France's Socialist Party has proved futile to raise the French economy from the dead...
...Ron Brown, and all the other indelicacies of Clinton politik . If we really did make happen Boy Clinton's January catastrophe, it was not our intention...
...On one occasion a group of protesters broke from a crowd of 3o,000 angry colleagues swaying rhythmically down the Boulevard Montparnasse and barged into one of Paris's most famous restaurants, La Coupole...
...Then came the news reports of Bill and Vernon, Monica and Linda, soap opera, subornation of perjury, obstruction of justice and Hillary's "vast right-wing conspiracy...
...This, of course, means nothing more than that in the Age of Celebrity celebrity is greeted with approval in the public mind...
...Jimmy Swaggart...
...Chris Wallace was introducing the editor-in-chief of the aforementioned sinking ship on an ABC Special Report as "the man who may have started it all...
...Still the president's staff insists that the president is as clean as a hound's tooth...
...Scaife was seen dining in the White House with the Clintons on January 21...
...Frank Rotolo was fired from his position as high school choir director at Albuquerque, New Mexico's Highland High School when it was discovered that his recent Christmas Concert, renamed a Winter Concert, still contained songs with a "Christian theme...
...In San Francisco some zealot slashed the tires on the city's largest supplier of New Year's Eve balloons before they could make their deliveries on that happy night...
...Apropos this phenomenon, historian Daniel Boorstin has noted that today's celebrities can be famous merely for being famous...
...Brown-robed Buddhist clergy auspicated a seven-day prayer marathon for the chickens' souls...
...Jackson...
...Along the way we reported Travelgate, Mena Airport, the Jakarta connection, the emergence of the Laborers Union, the legal problems of the late Mr...
...By month's end it was reported that the crafty Mr...
...They even smoked cigarettes in the non-smoking sections...
...His target is former wife Miss Lisa Marie Presley...
...Once again, President Ronald Reagan was right...
...Communist Chinese officials responded with their usual dispatch, slaughtering more than a million birds and establishing a police alert against possible protests from bird lovers...
...Started it all...
...Michael Jackson, the singer, plans to father another baby...
...For the fastidious traveler Gogues on Vogue has just been published in Paris...
...Clinton's White House endowment...
...As the revelations of carnality and righteous denial tumble forth from the Clinton White House, it is increasingly apparent that Bill Clinton is the Jimmy Swaggart of American politics...
...And back in Washington reporters stayed up late into the night, working, working, working, to see if anyone could be found who had had Our President's baby...
Vol. 31 • March 1998 • No. 3
