Ben Stein's Diary: Hello, Larry
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Hello, Larry Saturday A breakthrough day in the life of Tommy Stein and his Dad. Off to the soccer semifinals in Rancho Park, a large park near Twentieth...
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...This was by far the biggest display of determination I had ever seen from my little doll...
...Plummer Park, while nearby, is not really in a great neighborhood, to put it mildly...
...Sunday I wish President Bill Clinton could see this day...
...I picked him up in my arms, which is getting just about impossible...
...I guess when you're that famous it's a handicap all by itself...
...It is just not allowed...
...I went out to the lobby...
...We drove home with him sulking and not speaking...
...A Demilitarized Palestinian State Should Israel, should the world, rely on it...
...Tommy refused to go biking with me...
...77 see over his hair, but just barely...
...What do you think you're doing...
...But even they were not enough...
...He was truly great...
...I don't like this...
...Friday M oviegoing is worse than ever...
...A demilitarized "West Bank" and Gaza Strip, it is believed, would do away with any military threat to the state of Israel...
...I am so proud of you," I said...
...Where is he...
...Plus it's much too hard a job for a ten-year-old boy to do...
...The pilots, obviously not happy to be talking to the problem, answered him...
...Then the movie began...
...The assumption that "Palestine" would be demilitarized is not tenable...
...Well, he's part right...
...It's cold and you're tired...
...There we found, to our dismay, that there was a VIP room where we would not have to stand to watch the concert...
...The Arab nations would not allow it...
...Then Bob came on...
...Not surprisingly, events since the famous "handshake" confirm such skepticism...
...When I tried to open the door, I could feel that someone was standing there blocking its opening...
...He genuinely seemed to believe that having done it right was reward enough...
...You've told me that about a thousand times...
...I know kids are supposed to have moods and to be able to pick and choose between their parents, but the kid had been a little creep all day...
...But it was still attached to the tree by a cord of thick bark and integument (or whatever the inside of a tree is called...
...Truth to tell, neither did I. But when I got to Tommy's bedside, he said, "No, I only want Mommy...
...On that flight there are often folks from Australia because it's the continuation of a Qantas flight...
...Fully intense looks and I mean intense...
...It was washed, ready to roll and gleaming in the bright night lights...
...To begin at the beginning, I am entering the parking lot of the Laemmle 5 theaters in West Hollywood...
...Anyway, when I went back to the theater, all of the aisle seats were filled except mine...
...Five nights before, I had gone to see the new James Bond movie, Tomorrow Never Dies, at the Galaxy Theater on Hollywood Boulevard...
...I'll do it, my boy," I said, "because Mommy is not feeling too well...
...Then there was a long wait...
...His voice was strong and nasal...
...As I walked up the stairs to the theater, I could see a whole line of losers in black striking poses, curling their hair, playing with their nose rings, waiting to get in for their fix of non-loserliness...
...One of the theaters here is showing the new Quentin Tarantino movie, and it's filled with violence, tough-guy attitudes, and a seething contempt for anyone but oneself...
...But I am trying again...
...And little Jimmy played one day with a 103-degree fever and little Billy played with a broken collarbone...
...I am standing on the sidelines looking at him, shouting encouragement...
...No response...
...He nodded at me as if he might know me, or maybe to ask if he could please send Mary Muff back...
...But," I said, "you are being very selfish not keeping your old Dad company...
...Over and over he has blocked the other side's advance and sent the ball flying back toward their goal...
...But," I said, "we have to go biking first so Daddy can get some exercise...
...Lift me up there," he said, "and I'll saw down the rest...
...I just want you to know that when you go to college, my boy, I'm going with you," I said...
...The rest of the flight was fine...
...About half an hour before the end of the show I threw in the towel...
...When we landed, our plane was met by a mobile lounge, as usual...
...As I poked through the parking lot of the Laemmle to leave I recalled that I had not seen a single usher in either theater at any time...
...I hate to startle him...
...The man in front of me sat up straight...
...There was no arguing about who should have the ball...
...Portions are far bigger everywhere, stoopid...
...Box 590359 ^ San Francisco,CA 94159 FLAME is a 501(c)(3) educational institution...
...I think this is called VIP boarding and it was obvious that Larry had insisted on it...
...Many people asked how they could win my money...
...I fell asleep and in an hour a beaming, exultant Tommy stood next to me poking my chest...
...I love the guy...
...He was lying there listening to a tape with the incredible headphones I had bought him...
...I brought Tommy a huge Subway sandwich and Mommy and I had sushi...
...April 22 and 23, to be exact...
...I can do it...
...He sobbed and sobbed and tried to blame Dana for not having come up to my apartment and tried to say he was making a joke about not wanting me to tuck him in...
...The old Ben Stein would have yelled at him and sued him...
...Well, my boy," I asked him, "would you like to come play Ping Pong with me in the condo I bought specifically for us to play Ping Pong in...
...Sure enough, there on the pavement was a large chunk of the tree limb...
...When I left, I asked at the popcorn counter if I needed to get my parking ticket stamped...
...I wonder how I would find out...
...I pushed at the door...
...That's handicapped enough...
...No one else will ever watch after my car until I am out of sight,standing out in the cold and rain...
...I am about to see a concert by my hero, Bob Dylan...
...I could44 Behind me two lovers were necking and kicking my seat in their passion...
...Tommy is in shock and almost in tears...
...What did you say...
...Quality hardcover books, starting at $3.95...
...I was tempted to relent and get his $200 paint-ball gun, but then I thought that I would be harming him more than helping him if I gave way...
...He asked about the weather in D.C...
...The Arabs danced on the roofs of their homes when Iraqi Scud missiles fell on Tel Aviv during the Gulf War...
...Tonight, I notice that the other drivers are copping major macho attitudes, zooming up to the car in front of them, slamming on the brakes, screeching take-offs, sharp turns...
...What...
...He looked as if he were trying to keep up a brave front but inwardly he was twisted by some deep and irreconcilable conflict...
...Even those most sanguine about the current peace negotiations are agreed that the Palestinian entity to be founded should be demilitarized...
...He gets away with too much...
...64 March 1998 • The American Spectator You deserve a factual look at...
...So I just walked away...
...Either that or he's an ass---," he said pleasantly...
...I'm going to get a saw and cut that down," Tommy said...
...But there were also blacks, a couple of Asians, and a Hispanic...
...And by the way, the Doctor Appeaser looks a lot like Larry King and they are pals...
...It didn't work...
...The other teacher said, "A regular Yeshiva bucher...
...To another phone...
...Willie Nelson opened the evening...
...He reads as fast as any adult...
...Now, this is because Tommy missed three practices when it was raining and he had a cold...
...Are you insane...
...No smart person relies on magazines, newsletters, or newspapers for investment advice...
...I think he just had by-pass surgery and I know that's an amazingly serious procedure...
...Iran, Moslem though not Arab, lurks in the background, its foremost military and political objective being the destruction of the state of Israel...
...After the game, trophies are handed out...
...Yep, it was my successful rival for the love of the nutty nutritionist, Mary Muff Maguire—Jack Nicholson...
...You have hurt my feelings, my boy," I said...
...Then, a few rows down, three college girls were giggling hysterically...
...They were all wearing leather jackets though and I was not...
...What entitles you to this kind of rude, surly contempt for your father...
...The rest of the limb was next to a fence...
...Behind me were a half-dozen college kids making belching noises and kicking the seats...
...In short order, the other side breezes right by the new center man, and they win and our team is out of the running...
...In front of us, a man with huge hair slouched...
...she asked...
...Imagine trying to dance to "Tangled Up in Blue" and you get the idea...
...I asked a flight attendant what the problem was...
...You're a selfish bastard," she said...
...I want to try," Tommy said...
...I felt a flu coming on, so I stayed home and wrote an essay for a movie magazine about what it's like being a celebrity...
...Shut up and buy some new shoes," she said, looking at my ultra-cool Simples,bought under the tutelage of the long absent (mercifully) Mary Muff Maguire...
...It's lower-middle class, I would say, largely filled with Russian Jewish immigrants...
...The real magnitudes compared with the size of the U.S...
...I think Bob was mean to me tonight...
...Do you think you can get away with this...
...I walked out of the concert, out onto the street, into the parking lot and into my best friend, my brother, my Cadillac...
...No response...
...When you enter Plummer Park from Fountain, as we did, you first see a vast swath of Russians playing chess...
...No response...
...Easily moved and hidden along Israel's new eastern borders, which would be increased from 40 miles in length to over 200 miles, they would rain destruction over most of Israel...
...Many of whom smoked...
...They were young, smiling, friendly...
...I know what parents mean when they say, "This hurts me more than it hurts you...
...The "small" popcorn was as big as three "large" popcorn had been when I was a lad...
...It rained like mad today...
...Is he that much of a VIP...
...The trailers began, starting with an amazingly poor-quality one for the Los Angeles Times...
...They would cover in their entirety Israel's narrow waist that holds 70% of the Jewish population of the country, 80% of its industrial base, its only international airport, and its most important military installations...
...That crazy woman just started cursing at me for no reason," I said...
...It's exhausting dealing with a recalcitrant, sulking child for a day...
...I think he was tired and dispirited from the game and the dopey coach, but he just refused to go biking...
...The little Yeshiva bucher, who looks like James Dean wished he looked, ran gleefully to Dana's car and disappeared...
...Tommy is playing center defense man and he is playing brilliantly...
...Daddy, come see," he said...
...I went to the lobby and bought some popcorn and a bottle of water...
...A slight argument ensued...
...A doctor telling kids to endanger their health for AYSO soccer...
...What are you doing...
...You are not going to grow up with this kind of arrogance towards those who are good to you," I said...
...Off to the soccer semifinals in Rancho Park, a large park near Twentieth Century Fox studios...
...I went to the toilet located next to the cockpit...
...Hmmm...
...The coach does not like games to be missed...
...He is a major danger...
...He refused to eat at the table with us and neglected to thank me for bringing his food...
...I asked...
...That's the way to do it...
...I sat next to a truly nice guy from Australia...
...The sociopaths in both the lobby and the theater were simply given free rein to torture the rest of us...
...All he does is read...
...Instead I thought I did not want to have any more to do with her...
...However, a nightmare awaited me at my hotel...
...Now she's in eternity...
...As I stood there along with the other impatient passengers, up strolled a man of about 7o with a tormented look on his face...
...But where did these songs come from...
...After some consultation, Larry, his wife, and his luggage were allowed on the plane ahead of everyone else...
...Then I met up with my pal Al Burton, who had "scored" the tickets, as he so quaintly described the process...
...It worked...
...I quickly found out why...
...When we got home I noticed an immense tree limb had blown over from my neighbor's yard onto the street in front of our house...
...We should do this more often," Alex said later...
...In this instance we talked about the crisis in Asian markets...
...The man looked like Larry King, only really, really sad and distracted and as if he had a million terrible thoughts revolving in his head...
...I asked him...
...This put him into a big tailspin...
...They are smoking with abandon and playing chess with grim seriousness...
...This ad has been published and paid for by FL AME Facts and Logic about the Midale East PO...
...he asks...
...I talked to her every day for so many years...
...I don't treat valet parkers or skycaps the way you talk to me...
...Many of whom smoked pot...
...Is he 64...
...As a result, our team is ahead by one goal and the other side is demoralized...
...The man took his binoculars back and said, "My friends think you're a jerk but I love your show...
...Only incurable optimists can believe that an "autonomous" Palestine would wish to become a peaceful neighbor of Israel...
...Then he shows his real philosophy...
...I had had enough...
...Plus, in front of me men and women bobbed and grooved and tried to dance in place to music that was never meant for dancing...
...They don't place any of it in context...
...I wanted to take out my cell phone and call my mother...
...By the time the bus reached the Avis lot, they had found me a lovely Oldsmobile, one of my favorite cars...
...As I watched, an eerie, tortured face floated through the crowd towards me, The face with a mixed leer, grin, and look of premature rictus...
...Arafat and his lieutenants continue to make blood-curdling speeches to the Arab public, in which they re-assert their old goal of destroying Israel in "stages...
...But they sprang into fabulous action anyway...
...I lay in bed for a time but I was so angry I could not sleep...
...Later, we had dinner at home...
...But really, really serious looks on their Kazakh faces...
...As I left it, I passed the funeral home where my mother had been prepared not long ago...
...The management's only function seemingly was to serve tasteless and very expensive popcorn and make sure the video games in the lobby worked...
...But we were not allowed into the VIP room...
...For some reason, the rest of us were not allowed to board for about a half hour after that...
...They were kicking my seat in their passion...
...Tuesday 0 ff to see Boogie Nights again...
...He greeted various wealthy-looking men and women who got on and into the first-classcabin...
...The coach also gives a highly accented little speech praising every player...
...Avis as a company works unbelievably well...
...I want to do it," Tommy said...
...I had to sit up super straight to get a glimpse over him...
...This reminds me that two summers ago, when I was writing a column for Los Angeles Magazine, I wrote a piece rating the financial magazines...
...When we had our VIP boarding problem, that threw off our scheduled departure," she said...
...However Bill Clinton and his Race-Hatred Generation Commission might see America, here at Plummer Park, people just played and got along...
...Just as I thought about this, his two teachers came over and said, "This kid...
...In my life, I can only recall one man so totally oblivious to everything but what he felt like noticing or doing...
...You have to wind around and around level after level to find parking places...
...Gray-haired Jewish men with wire rimmed glasses...
...Whoever got the rebound just got the shot...
...She made my life very difficult when I was young, but in the last decade we got along great, and I truly miss her desperately...
...There are also a number of blacks and some Hispanics and some Asians...
...More and more smoke...
...Is Larry King really that much of a celebrity that he gets all this special treatment...
...We went through the gate...
...Sunday T raveler is not the best job there is...
...We would have to stand in the main room...
...In the meantime, mortars and Katyushas located on the Judean ridges—Israel's proposed new borders—would suffice to neutralize life and industrial and military activity in Israel...
...Why am I here with crazy people...
...No, you cannot do it," I said...
...The movie was fabulously good...
...Tarantino, world's biggest bedwetter, has made the perfect fantasy film for others like himself, and the magic of film has rubbed off on all the other nerds in black leather pretending to be tough guys...
...How many ten-year-olds get their own motor boats and trips to Idaho to snow-board...
...As I did, I heard a loud, booming voice from Brooklyn and Miami standing next to the cockpit...
...He is rushing up to the ball, kicking it really far, roaming the field to see what he can do to help, playing like a champ...
...More and more unrecognizable lyrics...
...How many kids do you think have it as good as you do in this whole country...
...I am their best customer...
...He went up to a flight attendant at the gate and spoke to her...
...I grabbed him, sat him up in the bed, and really let him have it...
...They were obviously from new albums that I knew nothing or next to nothing about...
...economy are very small...
...How dare you talk to me as if you were the Roman emperor and I were a slave...
...I do not like this...
...Are you handicapped...
...No one else will ever walk me to the elevator and just look at me...
...Along with 800 other fans...
...The people who write the stories know very little and don't bother to learn...
...It's like they're all on speed...
...Is Tommy with you...
...They just call up someone who also doesn't know much and the story goes in and scares people...
...No," I said...
...But today he was just pushingthe limits too much...
...I was starting to get pretty upset...
...The reports in the daily papers make it seem as if the skies are falling," he said...
...I should not be treated that way...
...I could make out every word...
...You're a selfish bastard," she said...
...Guess who was the first person off the plane...
...I asked cheerfully...
...No one had bothered to look in and see if bad, evil vandals were disrupting the viewing experience for nice, 66 March 1998 • The American Spectator in and see if bad, evil vandals were disrupting the viewing experience for nice, kind people like me...
...No way...
...I don't want the likes of you to tuck me in...
...As he got closer I saw that in fact it was Larry King...
...He hefted his saw, carried it inside, set it down and went to work reading Garfield...
...I ask our coach, an emergency-room physician who fancies himself a sort of Hebrew version of The Terminator...
...Behind me, people started to honk their horns...
...I left his room and felt truly furious...
...I'll be off in a few minutes," I said...
...King insisted on VIP boarding,' she said, 'and that threw off the cleaning schedule.' 11 much as I enjoy visiting with my father, we'll all be in great shape...
...I gently removed them so that I could have a little talk with him about rudeness...
...Then four trailers for other movies, all seemingly about women with bad teeth but a lot of money falling in love with gay men pretending not to be...
...Across the aisle from me was a very famous Washington Post columnist, thin and cerebral looking...
...The conclusion I came to was that you were far better off not reading any of them for investment advice, although all of them have interesting profiles, personal44 Willie Nelson opened the evening...
...This is his new individuation thing...
...I had lunch at home (my new lunch favorite, crisp bacon and an egg), slept, and then went to Tommy's school to pick him up...
...Many of whom wore large hats that blocked my view...
...I got my boarding pass in the super-jammed Admirals' Club, and then went down to the gate...
...Well, as I thought about it, maybe I am being unfair to Larry King...
...I just inherited it from my father," he said, "and you look just like your father...
...They are in a fairly good-sized but not huge shopping center near a bar called the Cocoanut Teazer...
...He did not ask for a bribe or a reward...
...America's biggestbargain book selection...
...He never flagged and soon that tree was clean shaven and there was a pile of sawed off tree limbs next to the Caddy...
...Tanks, warplanes, and missiles would only be needed for the final mopping-up process...
...I watched for a while and then went inside and lay down...
...Larry King gave ground a few inches, showed absolutely no sign of noticing that he was blocking me in, and kept talking to the pilots...
...That's a movie about people in the porn business...
...All of the other aisle seats were full...
...What are you...
...There was intense pride in making difficult shots, but no arguing about who should have the ball...
...I thought about punching her, or calling the cops...
...Itold him he could just sit there and read...
...That bothered me...
...It's amazingly well done and depressing...
...Broken...
...04 Bargain Books • Save up to 80% on publishers' overstocks, imports, reprints...
...I moved a few rows down...
...Amazingly, our coach is happier when BENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...And people wonder why Americans are so fat...
...The airport was mobbed with pre-Christmas travelers...
...When we got on, by chance, the King was sitting two rows ahead of me...
...I'll go with Dana...
...If Israel ceded the Gaza Strip—the invasion route since before biblical times—and Judea/Samaria (the 'West Bank") to its sworn enemies it would make the country indefensible...
...The young men played with several balls...
...She stared at me...
...At any event, Avis did not have the reservation I had made for my little Oldsmobile...
...He ate them right away, and his mood picked up...
...Whoever got the next rebound got the next shot...
...It's not fair to him...
...This is one of The Jester's long run of road trips at "small" clubs and "intimate" venues...
...And in return you talk to me as if I were a stray dog...
...A young olive-skinned girl who worked at the theater came up to me...
...A look at the map makes dear that these rockets, shortrange though they maybe, would literally dominate the heartland of Israel...
...Also looking pretty serious...
...Is there a problem...
...It was a great movie...
...I actually fell to my knees on the sidelines, pretending I was tying my shoes, to thank God for my little star...
...Like madwomen on drugs...
...They make it look as if huge magnitudes were involved...
...I can't believe that little deity is my son...
...But then, disaster: as the fourth quarter begins, our coach, a difficult personality at best, takes Tommy out of the game and sends in the worst player we have...
...That means I am not getting you the paint-ball gun after all...
...Australia must be a great place...
...I am so, so proud...
...We took our seats in the tiny theater...
...Then we came to the basketball court and here was a true miracle...
...By standing on my seat I could see over the man with the hair...
...I could make out every word...
...While the latter objective is beyond its reach, it has been most successful in the former...
...He also missed a game when he was traveling to Philadelphia with my wife...
...Friday A highly unusual day and night as between Tommy and yours truly...
...I saw several people I knew including John Mankiewicz...
...I gave a big push to the door...
...I rode my bike a long, long way, and then I picked up a big bag of hot, juicy french fries and brought them to Tommy...
...I got violently sick at the last Dylan concert I attended in 1978 when someone blew PCP smoke at me...
...Tommy had determinedly sawed right through the damned thing and cut it down...
...He's not here tonight," she said with a smile...
...The Christian Coalition would endorse the message of this movie as strongly as a message can be endorsed...
...Yes, he wanted to read in the car...
...Five dollars," said the attendant...
...Thank you, God, for giving me this angel...
...Maybe that's the key...
...The American Spectator • March 1998 63 In the mobile lounge, I sat next to the famous columnist...
...He thinks he is," said the flight attendant grimly...
...Not a lot, but it picked up...
...All the rooms they showed me were evil smoking rooms even if they had up big signs saying no smoking...
...II finance tips, and humor items...
...Look, I don't make the rules," the attendant said...
...He was truly talented and great...
...The previews and ads for the Los Angeles Times and the sound system took twenty agonizing loud minutes...
...He snarled at me, "WHAT IS IT...
...How dare you treat your father with this contempt...
...What was funny about it...
...I am at the old El Rey theater on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles...
...There is no substitute for a Mom...
...I went to his room...
...He looked old and lined...
...Free Catalog HAMILTON 553s 3 Veil Village, CT 06031-5005j L The American Spectator • March 1998 67...
...When he comes to Tommy, who was a giant star this season, he says, "And Tommy, who didn't show up a lot, but came back with a lot of spirit...
...I am not sure when I'll be back there, to tell the truth...
...As you know, I have been a fan, a devout fan, of The Bobster since 1962...
...The usually fine River Inn had no nice rooms available...
...I'm floored," I said...
...A hugely fat woman with lank hair and filthy clothes came next to me...
...He smiled at me and I smiled at him and we talked about how thin he is...
...Painfully thought provoking...
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...He can't stop reading...
...He is so big and brave and strong and I love him so much...
...That's great...
...Do you want me to tell the manager...
...Wow, did he look unhappy...
...But with a little help from me and a lot of clambering by him, he was soon up there on top of the fence, perched precariously, but sawing away like a madman...
...So, after much negotiation, we agreed to play basketball at a nearby park...
...At the parking gate, I cheerfully showed my stub...
...But—and this is a big but—it's also the most powerful sermon I have ever seen preaching avoidance of pornography, staying home with your family, living a small, simple life away from anything to do with sex and commerce...
...They were music biz gals who knew me slightly from my show...
...I asked a flight attendant what the problem was...
...He gives special kudos to two players...
...But it really hurts to rein him in...
...The movie was really terrific...
...I just lost my mind...
...Excuse me, but I have to get out...
...Two pretty girls—both named Stacicame up to Al and me...
...The woman who handed it off to me smiled broadly and would not accept a tip...
...The PLO is a terror organization that has only one purpose: to kill Jews and to destroy the state of Israel...
...But one can expect that the new leaders of Israel dearly understand this danger and that they will not make concessions that will endanger the security of their country...
...What on earth do you think you are doing...
...This is a doctor telling kids to play when sick...
...Guess who took a handicapped seat...
...Oh, you've done enough," I said...
...They quickly found me a car...
...Invariably they are polite, self-effacing, with good senses of humor...
...If Tommy enjoys seeing me half as44 `Mr...
...When we got to the beach, he sulked and protested...
...Since the signing of the "peace agreement' they have continued in unrestrained terror and murder against the Jews...
...I'm 647 he said...
...There was sawdust all over his hair and even in his delicate, perfect little eyelashes, but he was not done yet...
...Daddy is the best job there is...
...She's a problem," the girl said sweetly...
...But mobilization of the "demilitarized" Palestine wouldn't really be required.The weapons of preference of Arab terrorists are the Soviet-made Katyusha rockets, highly effective missiles, truck-mounted and mobile, ideal for hitand-run raids against Israel...
...Later, he got in bed and said, "Mommy, I want to have you tuck me in...
...Happily, I think it helps the kid more than it helps me...
...What are the facts...
...I know, Daddy," Tommy said...
...I hate to yell at him...
...A little later, Dana appeared with groceries to stock my apartment so I can eat while writing...
...Not allowed at all...
...we're losing than when we're winning—at least so it appears to little me...
...But I cannot let him grow up with that contemptuous attitude...
...Most of all, there was absolute cheerful interplay among the young men of all races...
...His hair was overwhelming...
...The audience booed as they always do...
...He was with a pretty but also sad looking woman and a porter pushing luggage on a cart...
...You'll pay for this...
...I really hate to yell at him and I almost never do...
...I just can't get over the fact that she's not here any more...
...But there was none...
...The new coach...
...Never a discouraging word, and he looks like a little god of soccer out there...
...What about it was a joke...
...Other Arab states are still in a dedared or undeclared state of war with Israel...
...The popcorn was stale and at a brand new theater the men's room was so vile that it made me gag...
...But Israel is confronted by deadly enemies...
...The man who drove the bus called by radio to the desk...
...A hungry, tired boy is not the best boy to have around...
...He was ecstatic...
...But the new Ben Stein just took Tommy, rubbed his tousled head, and said, "You played so well that I am going to buy you a really high-end paint-ball gun...
...If I want to do it, he doesn't want to do it...
...Israel threatened by enemies...
...Excuse me," I said...
...I did it...
...Hmm...
...We walked by and came to some other Russians playing tennis...
...The myth of demilitarization...
...Plus they were played far, far, far too loud...
...The flight was delayed about a half hour pushing back from the gate...
...I asked her...
...I went to my apartment, wrote, felt tired, and then took a nap...
...You're crazy and I'm missing the movie, too," I said weakly...
...Still, I could not sleep for hours afterwards...
...But the idea that you would be better off investing by tips from underpaid, totally ignorant writers who rely on self-interested tipsters is a nightmare...
...He is far less lonely than he was, quite cheerful, and it's a pleasure to see him...
...First, I waited in line with a number of men like me...
...Many of whom smoked worse than pot, namely cigars...
...This is as good as it gets...
...They might have been awaiting trouble...
...I'll tell the manager," I said...
...Henry Kissinger...
...I went to a phone...
...I asked...
...But behind me were two lovers who were necking with each other...
...Politics, Biography, History, Science, Sports—over 60 subject areas...
...Israel is at peace with Egypt and with Jordan...
...On the sidelines, watchful parents and grandparents from Russia who had probably seen the worst horrors of life stood edgily...
...She tried the other phone...
...Not as long as you have your stub," a young man said blithely...
...Unless it's something involving spending lots of Mom and Dad's money...
...It took going to five rooms to find one that was decent...
...No," he said, "I want to go home and read...
...I went back into the theater...
...He wanted to stay in the car," she said...
...as if he were Caligula interrupted by a slave...
...But at a certain point I remembered I had to call my wife about her plane tickets...
...My friend and I bought our tickets for The Sweet Hereafter...
...He had stuck to a hard, tiring, cold job that his father told him could not be done and he had triumphed at it...
...My father was fine, though, full of his usual brilliance...
...It seems almost incomprehensible that a group as supposedly levelheaded as the previous government of Israel would have entered into a "peace agreement" with them...
...Then she added, "Meanwhile, I'm missing the movie...
...King insisted on VIP boarding," she said, "and that threw off the cleaning schedule...
...I know...
...Yes, it's about pornography and has a lot of sex...
...But I have my stub," I said...
...He started to cry great loud sobs...
...A Palestinian stat e—demilitarized...
...Off to LAX in my glorious Caddy to fly to Washington to see my old Dad...
...Never mind...
...He nodded and sat down and read...
...Despite statements to the contrary, the PLO has still not complied with Israel's main requirement, namely that it forswear the clauses in its "covenant" that call for the destruction of Israel...
...Saturday y ou will never guess where I am...
...He ran into the house, got a little saw 62 March 1998 • The American Spectator and came running out and attacked the tree...
...He stayed at his task until he finished it even though I had told him he was not required to do so...
...Then a kind soul behind me offered me his binoculars to see the distant Bobman...
...young Russians...
...By a missed communication (or a miscommunication), our beautiful assistant, Dana, arrived to pick Tommy up at just the moment I did...
...I mean, it is really hellfire and damnation...
...This movie, without the most graphic sex scenes, could be and should be required viewing...
Vol. 31 • March 1998 • No. 3
