Ben Stein's Diary
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIf by Benjamin J. Stein Memories Are Made of This Friday 41111110 ome on over, baby, / Whole lot of shakin' goin' on, / Come on over, baby, /We ain't fakin', / Whole lot of...
...48 January 1998 • The American Spectator Anyway, I sobbed and sobbed...
...Really...
...God, Gay," I said...
...But mostly, I am reeling from the recollection of the after-game sock hops...
...The balcony faced the football field...
...Not true...
...But she still looks great and when she pressed her cheek against mine, I got a thrill...
...Kiplinger's "Quotesmith keeps a database of about 350 insurance companies...
...He is to have any car he wants as long as it weighs over 5,000 pounds...
...A reassuring sister is everything in moments like this, and I felt happy she was there...
...Gottschalk came to my dressing room and talked for a long time about the reunification of the Germanys and what a mess it's turning out to be...
...Praise from Caesar is praise indeed...
...I had to ask a boy I barely knew to take me to the Prom...
...We danced The Stroll, the Jitterbug, Washington Style, the cha-cha...
...A bit of a recollection of some of the bad side of high school days...
...If you were a big star...
...Whoops...
...It's the day of the unveiling of the gravestone for my mother...
...Or would have been sweet if I had a girlfriend...
...Good-bye hard girls with bobby socks and little crosses...
...That's what I come back to see and be around...
...The problem is that China's Communist central planning ruins agriculture and then kills babies tocover up...
...She's been married a few times, had a lovely child die young, and smokes...
...Call us at 1-800-431-1147, 24 hrs...
...Nebraska by itself could feed China...
...I am the winner after all...
...I don't know," she said, as I felt my mood change drastically for the worse...
...The green grass and the brownish, reddish maple leaves were glowing under the lights and under the moon...
...My wife, looking glamorous, and I, looking silly in a tuxedo, stepped out with Al into a glamorous crowd in front of the ancient Wilshire-Ebell theater...
...I could envision getting so lost that I missed the whole thing...
...I like men and women who place a high premium on civility and friendliness...
...How often, how many Saturdays, did I walk up to the stands, huddle with my pal Barry Walker, and scan the walkway in front of the seats for a hard girl who might love me...
...The lead role is played by a Thomas Gottschalk, a star in Germany...
...One way to get to know the market...
...And, I was...
...I got into a solid wall of traffic around Route 29, near Rosslyn, and I had no clue at all of how to get back...
...If I did, I wouldn't have made so many mistakes...
...No, it was more than that...
...But for arid, pitiless Southern California, it's awfully cute...
...But the state that murders girl babies and requires compulsory abortions that kill people for sure right here and now—those mass murderers are good...
...My little old heart soared...
...My flight back to LAX was fine, but I felt incredibly sad...
...You are not likely to have anyone in your life who cares about you as much as your parents ever again...
...I was still upset...
...Are you sure...
...4} 50 January 1998 • The American Spectator...
...It's next to a huge power plant, although whether it's nuclear or conventional I'm not sure...
...At top speed, I zoomed to the cemetery...
...She said something that implied that I had made that up, probably because I had been trained to do so by Nixon...
...His on-screen girlfriend, with the interesting name of "Keehn," is played by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley...
...The wishes to belong, to be loved, to be fleet of wheel —these are strong wishes...
...Amazing...
...It so happens that I have had a mad crush on Priscilla Presley since about 1958, when she married Elvis at the age of 16...
...Good Housekeeping "Quotesmith ranked more than 250 policies for Forbes...
...Why not...
...Yes, and when you kissed me, you said, `Delicioso...
...They're the ones who have never had it so good but they're still complaining, even when they get to travel to America, which should be a dream for them...
...I think her sister is married to a congressman...
...My sisterand I set out in our rental car to rendezvous with my father and David Paglin and some very nice people from the American Enterprise Institute and the rabbi, Lyle Fishman, an amazingly hard-working and intelligent fellow...
...It's not worth getting so upset about...
...Then I took a turn and suddenly I was on the right track...
...We went to high school in the best possible community, at the best possible time in human history, at the best possible school, and who in this room doubts it...
...I'm here at the Boys' Gym of Montgomery Blair High School on a rainy night...
...Life is about longing and Blair was the Pentagon of longing...
...Sort of," I said...
...You'd be lucky to be a GS-12 at the Commerce Department...
...Then, the disc jockey played "In the Still of the Night...
...I kept saying that according to very well known references, we actually had greater proven resources of oil and gas than ever before...
...No sooner did the discussion begin than Bill made the amazing comment that we had to be grateful to Red China for showing us how to cope with overpopulation and the rapid depletion of earth's resources...
...If I am still alive, he is going to have a gilded youth...
...How amazing the reference points of the mind controllers are: Oil companies and cars are bad because they put effluents into the air that might at some future time harm people...
...Dozens of classmates said nice words about my show and about seeing me on TV or reading me in a magazine or reading about me in People or the Washington Post...
...I awoke feeling miserable and crazy as I always do on the full moon...
...Now, it's been, uhh, uhh, let's see now, uhh, uhh, oh, yeah...
...I parked about half a mile away and walked to it...
...Tommy said...
...There, on the back seat of her hubby's Cadillac, was the selfsame Neely Holmead, waving and smiling...
...The rain had lessened to a mild drizzle...
...New source for best buys in insurance...
...46 January 1998 • The American Spectator After a while, Neely, her hubby Bob, Rita the Meter Maid, and I stepped out on the balcony for air...
...We're having "The Last Homecoming Dance...
...I don't understand," he said (and of course no one does...
...I am telling you, if your parents are still living, honor them and cherish them...
...A waste of your good time...
...This led to even more shouting at me...
...We were successful because we were ourselves...
...Treacherous...
...The powers that be are closing Blair, a truly wonderful old, charming red brick school with porticoes, terraces, and columns, a relic of gracious living on Sligo Creek, and moving to a big new industrial-strength structure on a highway...
...And when you're ready, you can even apply to the company of your choice online without having to deal with any insurance salesmen...
...I asked...
...Goodbye field, good-bye gym...
...Come to think of it, there was a beautiful girl named Mary Lou Gurick in my class...
...She smiled wickedly but did not say anything...
...We both were quiet for a long time and then we went back inside to dance The Stroll...
...It's pouring rain...
...There won't be any air to breathe soon...
...Yes, I remember her in her slacks and her scarf...
...The reality: a big nerdy braino with a dream, and that's a dangerous guy...
...I mean, the worst...
...They are truly gifted singers, musicians, and dancers...
...It was covered with a light haze...
...They had just returned from Hawaii doing an Ironman, he said...
...I was very strong at that time thanks to weight lifting, so I got up fast...
...At Blair, back in 1959-62, most of the boys and girls were friendly, unselfconscious, and genuinely nice people...
...I was on this show when it first started on my beloved Comedy Central some years ago...
...Oh, Malibu, it's not as big as I thought it would be.' The people who haven't been spoon fed, who aren't used to being patronized, the West Germans, they appreciate everything...
...My dream: to be the ferry Lee Lewis of Silver Spring...
...We'll get there if you just don't have an accident...
...It's also right next to a vast Sun City or Leisure World where no doubt I will soon be...
...I guess you're right," I said...
...The announcer, a man from a cooking show, said, "For best quiz show series or special...
...My sister, the solid gold Cadillac of sisters, said, "Don't get so upset...
...The problem isn't too many people...
...You really believe that...
...Pay dirt...
...There were the ropes hanging from the ceiling...
...The only comparable spot was the Silver Spring Armory, where I went to record hops and danced with truly hard girls who paid no attention to me, but it's been torn down for eons...
...ONLY QUOTESMITH GIVES YOU INSTANT QUOTES FROM 325 TOP COMPANIES "Quotesmith's interface is marvelously simple...
...My father, Rachel, and I pulled back a green plastic cover from the gravestone and here it was in brass letters: "Mildred Stein—Beloved Wife and Mother-19151997...
...Jimmy Kimmel, world'sfunniest man, sat with us...
...What else might I have remembered wrong...
...Wednesday A visit to the comically misnamed "Politically Incorrect...
...Ha, I thought...
...So, you see...
...Use the Quotesmith insurance price comparison service before you buy or renew any life insurance policy...
...Gottschalk, who is a cartoonist in the story...
...Holy Smoke," I said...
...What a tragedy that this gym and this school are closing...
...We ive you detailed policy information inclu the latest ratings from A.M...
...Maybe forty couples and then a dozen or two current students helping out...
...It's all in my brain and in much more vivid colors than it was in real life...
...44 Last time I was on, Bill Maher dissed me about how much more famous he is than I am...
...Everyday I am in pain about losing her...
...Alas, unlike glorious Santa Cruz, there are no trees, so it loses a little of its cuteness right there...
...When they called to ask me to be on this time, I made them promise that there would be no more of those evil personal attacks...
...We talked about video games and the economics of games and then of Hollywood...
...I don't really care for that type much...
...1 "Yes," she said with total certainty...
...It's cold...
...I asked...
...Don't have an accident," my sister said...
...You are a big star," he said emphatically...
...It didn't occur to me for years that you probably meant that I should be a surrogate mother for you...
...Then we went in...
...People who are not pretentious, not filled with envy, just happy to be there...
...He wanted to play a video game with me...
...There were Dana Beers and Bob Oplinger...
...And then inside the stands about a dozen boys and girls from my class...
...But then neither am I, come to think of it...
...She had a frighteningly confident look...
...Well, like if I were a big star, I would get a portion of every dollar's ticket even after a billion dollars of tickets had been sold," I said...
...Linda Picazio, FL "Get quotes on the spot...
...Luckily one of them is the smartest woman on earth except for my wife, my longtime classmate, Neely Holmead, who sat next to me in school from 1956 on and consistently did better than I did at everything...
...She looked as if she ate whole races of Cyclops in her sleep...
...At some point, I also said that China ran a huge trade surplus with the rest of the world, was extremely rich in foreign exchange, and could just buy all the food it wanted...
...Hmm...
...Then we sang Hatikvah, a song my mother loved, and then we went back to the Watergate...
...I walked down the hall and ran into Carl Reiner, who had just been "doing" Tom Snyder along with Mel Brooks to promote their new album for The 2,000 Year Old Man...
...To simplify the task...
...I can recall watching our basketball team, all midgets by modern standards, and all but one white, playing other all-white teams and winning every single game...
...We're out on Wayne Avenue in a quiet Silver Spring, Maryland, in the middle of this storm...
...I said, "Delicioso...
...I took a turn, my stomach churning, my brain turning to farina...
...J shopped from my own office and found the best deal available...
...But they're killers," I said...
...Psychological problems...
...It's been about forty years, so I guess she's not a teenager any longer...
...Later, in fact, she very politely called to apologize to me — a classy act—and Bill Maher likewise in a note...
...Our job in tenth grade gym was to climb up them and then shinny down...
...Anyone else, but not Ben Stein...
...The memories will never die until I do...
...Wanting to magically change from braino to hard guy with lowered Mercury or '57 Chevy, or—the best car in the world—Calvin Kline's '62 Corvette...
...Really...
...As I did, I saw a small parade of alums and students heading to the field...
...Nation's Business "Quotesmith saved us time and money...
...They were a small minority...
...And for these decades I've been remembering how she spurned me...
...And you know how you always write that I wouldn't go out with you...
...It was easy to think that the time had melted away and we were back in '61 or '62, when life was sweet...
...And now we have a class member who's really well known and successful just for being himself," and then she introduced little me...
...For some reason this made Doris Kearns Goodwin hysterical...
...There was a magical charge to the scene, as if the whole field had lights under it and would soon take off into outer space...
...About ninety couples showed up, mostly looking very well, lively, cheerful, happy...
...It was not to be, but those memories are still seething, powerful...
...She was maddeningly smart, self-effacing, neat, and well organized...
...They could not name any resources that we were running out of, so they said, or Bill said, "Air...
...We didn't know how to do anything else," she said...
...I have a few scenes today and more later, and it's all fine...
...The field lights were on...
...Our competition is nothing great, but this is Hollywood...
...I don't remember any of it," I said...
...We're the most important people from out of town at the service...
...Wait a minute...
...That's why I am going to make very damned sure Tommy has the coolest car at his high school...
...Bad, bad, bad...
...Best, Duff Phelps, Mood s, Standard & Poor's and Weiss Researc , Inc...
...I would have done anything for you...
...Not good-bye at all...
...At this, Alexandra Paul just about jumped down my throat...
...Later still, he could not sleep...
...It's a blacklist, of course, but I doubt if the Writers' Guild will ever do a program about it...
...What a thing to miss...
...Just loved it...
...In my little curly-haired head, all I could think of was another song: "Tragedy...
...thinking inside the Brooklyn and Manhattan reform Democrat groups...
...We milled for a while and then rendezvoused with a large group from Comedy Central and Buena Vista, all there to cheer us on...
...Later that night we went home...
...Maybe it was because you were a braino and I didn't know who I was...
...The Yale Law students were often better, especially if they were part of the fantasy troupe of revolutionaries I was in...
...Then I had a look around for my heartthrob, Gay Patlen, who was not there, and then it was time to head back to the River Inn...
...Bragging about money...
...Even the man who accepted the award said he was completely surprised...
...I felt really bad and sulked for a few minutes until I realized what had happened...
...Is this what Mommy does all the time...
...Perfect...
...He wanted to play chess with me (he's become a wizard at it...
...I made a tiny speech about our class hero, Tom Norris, who won the Congressional Medal of Honor for rescuing a downed flier in Vietnam after he had been shot in the face himself...
...She looked mighty sexy even then...
...I danced for about two hours to various songs of my youth — "Happy Birthday, Baby," "In the Still of the Night," "At the Hop," and "High School Confidential" ("Well, open up-uh honey, it's your lover boy me that's a knockin', why don't ya listen to me honey, all the gang is at the juke joint rockin...
...As I waited for the show to start, a handsome young man told me he was the boyfriend of one of the panelists, a stunningly large and strong woman named Alexandra Paul...
...Maybe," she said...
...In my whole life, my sister and I have never had a real argument...
...The Web Magazine "Quotesmith provides a list of all insurance companies & Mans that match specific needs...
...There are some wonderful performers in the persons of a group called "The Hubcaps...
...Our category came up very fast...
...It never occurred to us to do anything but our best" Then, in a segue of speech making so smooth it would have made Aram Bakshian or John Coyne proud, she said, "We were just ourselves at Blair, nothing but ourselves...
...Then I talked about how Blair will always be our home in our hearts, and how it's not the most famous school, or the most expensive school, but it's the best school, because it has the best people in it...
...Now it's on ABC and it's become a parody of itself...
...There's a big, huge pier that goes out far into the waves and at the end of the pier is an adorable place called Rudy's where they serve food and where also there is dancing of the jitterbug on some special nights...
...Long ago, my father told me to avoid shows like this...
...He wanted to just be with me...
...She makes big deals for big stars...
...I was on two weeks ago, and the host, Bill Maher, dissed me about how much more famous he is than I am...
...What resources exactly do you think we're running out of...
...Yes, and I wouldn't have gone," she said...
...And you thought all the boys were in love with me...
...We're running out of everything," she said in a shout...
...They can't start without us...
...I can always tell the Easterners," he said...
...Bear it in mind in a big, big way...
...It went something like this...
...I guess we'll have to wait until it explodes to find out...
...BENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...But there are only a few people here that I know...
...It was my mother's proudest boast: she brought us up to love one another, and that's no small achievement...
...And we parked behind your parents' house in Sligo Creek, and do you remember what you said when you kissed me...
...Well, I did go out with you, Ben," she said...
...Doris Kearns Goodwin, the famous historian and avatar of P.C...
...Alas, no one has gotten the word out, so there are not many people here...
...No, it was because I was a big nerd...
...It's about forty miles or less south of Los Angeles, down the mighty, all-powerful San Diego Freeway...
...Later, off to my actual reunion of the class of 1962 at a clubhouse in Bethesda...
...We all gave Tom a standing ovation —and boy, does he deserve it...
...I sometimes wonder why I have been to every single Blair reunion, but to only one from Yale Law School, and none from Columbia College...
...Here I am in Seal Beach, California...
...with Neely and another lovely classmate, Dana Beers, who is in cruelly good shape, and with my pal Rita the Meter Maid...
...The premiums vary wildly...
...I think Neely felt the same way about the place and the night as I did...
...I dragged myself through the day, and then headed off with my wifie and Al Burton in a Lincoln Towncar to attend the Cable-Ace awards...
...She was absolutely right...
...A long time ago, when you and your wife were trying to have a baby, you told me I should be a surrogate mother...
...Despite our major league political, social, and cultural differences...
...Avoid buying mistakes...
...Money Quotesmith is the only Internet site on earth where you can get instantguotes from 325 top-rated companies...
...There is no way we are giving that award to some SOB who worked for Nixon, still defends him, and speaks out for right to life...
...The first to make available this new custom-search service...
...The Marine Corps Marathon is going on, and the roads in Northern Virginia are a solid mess...
...This town is in Orange County...
...Byhalftime, the stands were packed, at least on the Blair side...
...Yes," said Bill enthusiastically, to Alexandra's even more enthusiastic approbation...
...Yes, after all these years...
...For obvious reasons, I don't mind maniacs of self-promotion if they can laugh at themselves...
...It's dark and cold and there is not a sign of life except inside this gym...
...I want my mother to be alive, back at the Watergate, offering me grapes and orange juice, making a joke about Clinton...
...This at least would square with my experience in Hollywood for the past twenty-one years...
...You know," she said to me, "I'm your biggest fan...
...That you're about to run out of air...
...Forbes "Researching insurance companies can be confusing and tedious...
...Yes, and we're all going to die and it'll be your fault, Ben Stein," said Bill...
...Le toute ensemble also loved China...
...In this room, this big room, I stored up a lifetime of memories...
...By some strange miracle, about a hundred more Blairites had appeared and by midnight the place was packed...
...and infinitely faster than phonina dozens of agents...
...We had a party at which dozens of people told me I was robbed...
...Forget it...
...But be happy you didn't marry me...
...Never mind...
...So the school, in its wisdom, is having a homecoming dance for all of us alumni...
...No, maybe it was as if the field was crying as it said good-bye...
...I still can feel the rope burns on my hands from that day, and Coach Moffatt telling me I had done well...
...I danced with my high school dream girl, Gay Patlen, still looking great after all these years...
...END INSURANCE CONFUSION FOREVER...
...Did I mention she also has perfect manners...
...he asked...
...J was impressed...
...Look, I don't know why I do the things I do...
...Wanting to have slicked-back hair, a D.A., and a girlfriend with two names, like Mary Lou, who would sit right next to me in my car...
...I could easily imagine the judges getting together, seeing the shows, and then saying to one another, "Wait a minute...
...If we don't win, I'm going to stand up and shout `Bulls --t— this is fixed," he said...
...Tuesday Well, partly by being in movies...
...Shades of RN talking about the White House on that last afternoon in the East Room...
...on every quote...
...Good God...
...I would have asked you...
...Have questions or want quotes mailed to you...
...Reiner raved about how much he loved my show...
...If there were any justice, she would be president...
...Saturday T he last homecoming game at the old Blair field...
...The only ones who did not congratulate me were the ones who had been in competition with me to get into Ivy League colleges...
...You cannot invest your time any better way than in your family...
...It was a cute show but mostly about rock trivia and sort of silly...
...But most of them were just ambitious gnomes and maniacs of self-promotion—devoid of much sense of humor...
...Tommy was wide awake...
...I do not want to be going to this unveiling...
...Still, the buildings are an anchor to those memories...
...SmartMoney "Quotesmith will scan the insurers and provide a list of different Policies suited to your needs...
...Bill and Alexandra kept saying we were running out of resources...
...Everything...
...How could I make up for missing my mother's unveiling...
...BEN STEIN'S DIf by Benjamin J. Stein Memories Are Made of This Friday 41111110 ome on over, baby, / Whole lot of shakin' goin' on, / Come on over, baby, /We ain't fakin', / Whole lot of shakin' goin' on...
...I asked...
...Still, when I left, she told me she was my number one fan, told me we had to stay in closer touch, and gave me a big kiss...
...A lot of air suddenly went out of the balloon...
...call Quotesmith...
...Win Ben Stein's Money" has been nominated and I am nervous about it...
...Then they said we were running out of forest...
...Like they say that a star will get a portion of the box office receipts for a movie after certain deductions...
...There is too much loss in life...
...Easy breezy, it's a long slide...
...I just don't know...
...So," I said, "because I worked for Nixon, nothing I say can be believed even if it's in basic reference resource books," I asked...
...How do humans go on...
...Friday T his story has very little to do with Hollywood...
...My nephew, Jonathan, a smart, sympathetic fellow, put his hand on my shoulder, and I appreciated that...
...The basic Columbia pre-med could not be bothered to help you if you were bleeding to death unless he could make a buck on it...
...We were incredibly lucky," I said...
...In very short order, I did my scenes, and was sent rocketing back to Los Angeles with a young woman who made me want to cry with her stories about how rich her grandparents are...
...Yeah...
...This is quite an accomplishment...
...Well, I think you might lack scientific validation for that theory...
...It's a kids' movie about a runaway dog and the family who take him in, treat him like a king, and generally are a wacky group...
...He said "Idiot Savants," an MTV production that's been canceled now for about seven months...
...They were too jealous and resentful or had some other motivation for withholding praise...
...But I have always suffered from vertigo, so when I got to the top and looked down, my palms sweated and I could not keep a good grip...
...Dog fights," I think he called them...
...It's too little freedom...
...I knew every boy on the team—and come to think of it, there's Bill Mason tonight, one of our major stars, still looking righteously athletic...
...That includes your parents...
...I made a wrong turn and got completely lost...
...Anyway, my role is a kind-hearted but savvy agent for the main character, wacky, lovable Mr...
...Anyway, it went down from there, and by the end of the show, I felt as if I had really been polluted...
...How stupid of me to believe them...
...They should still be fueling memories for future generations...
...The main drag goes right by the beach...
...That was the end of the good part of the studio experience...
...They shouldn't be sent into oblivion...
...Dancing with girls with long skirts and little silver crosses around their slender necks...
...I'm here to play a small part in Breakfast With Einstein...
...The whole place is low rise and fifties architecture and damned cute...
...She is like an avatar of everything that's good about America and about women...
...Sunday A truly horrible day...
...I would have driven you crazy...
...But at Columbia and Yale, they, the ambitious, hustling, buttoned-down ones, were the standard model student...
...Yes, I do write that a lot...
...My palms are sweating like mad as I write this...
...Wanting someone, anyone, of these girls to love me...
...The debate was on...
...What the heck...
...I think she felt a bit uneasy being in the same boat as Alexandra Paul and Bill Maher...
...I think I got a good answer tonight...
...I went to my hotel room, packed, and drove to Dulles in the rain...
...and then he did not say my show...
...I pointed out that we had greater timber resources than we did ten years ago...
...If not, it's in my will...
...and a pleasantly diffident actor named Tim Curry...
...Neely Holmead gave a wonderful speech about how when we were at Blair, we just did our best...
...I'm not sure any scientists think we're running out of air...
...I started to sob and shake and had difficulty catching my breath...
...Their problem isn't overpopulation...
...UOTESMITH ® "4111111 Q COR PORATION www.quotesmith.com Ad Code: TAS 1/98 The American Spectator • January 1998 49 The "guests" for "Politically (In)Correct" were the selfsame huge, muscular beauty named Alexandra Paul who, while not a college graduate, was certain she knew everything about everything to do with politics, economics, ethics, and children (she has no children and does not plan to have any...
...Now it's too late, but I would have done it...
...The winner is...
...Ben Stein, daddy of Mr...
...I guess my memories were not quite so wrong after all...
Vol. 31 • January 1998 • No. 1
