Culture Vultures: Everybody Does It
Steyn, Mark
CULTURE VULTURES by Mark Steyn Everybody Does It E veryone does it. Everyone who calls up a radio station says everyone does it. Everyone who's stopped in the street by a TV reporter says...
...I am a madam in ze professional sense...
...I was tied up in court all day...
...A married man, Clark's the kind of fellow who, if you introduced him to the Queen, would be slipping her his hotel key...
...And everyone knows every guy does it and every guy lies about it...
...Birds do it, bees do it, even GOP nominees do it...
...Moi, c'est l'etat...
...The only thing "everyone does" is say, "Everyone does it...
...Clinton: he did not have sexual relations with that woman...
...said Bud, turning to me...
...Bill Clinton is normal...
...S o everybody does it...
...and Mrs...
...Allo, boys," she said in an unmistakably continental accent...
...If President Clinton had tried the Clark approach — "Hey, look, I dig chicks...
...said Patty, who runs the store...
...Is it 'inappropriate...
...They're the town's select board...
...The cool, hip thing is to be cynical and worldly: Everyone lies...
...everyone in Washington lies about sex...
...But don't you mind...
...To have President Mitterrand's wife and mistress appear together at his funeral may be more "mature...
...Wot is zis intern program...
...They made it smart and fashionable to take the side of a clumsy, fumbling bozo...
...My eyes grew misty...
...Why do you think we have an intern program...
...Everyone who responds to an opinion pollster says everyone does it, sometimes with opinion pollsters, often with Dick Morris...
...said Ed, resting his weight on one arm so he could wag his finger with the other...
...Third, not even every Frenchman does it and those who do wouldn't recognize this trouser-dropping buffoon as one of their own...
...They're like teenagers who insist on expressing their individuality by wearing exactly the same clothes as everyone else...
...It is ze 'ouse of prostitution," said Madam Fifi, "where beautiful ladies of all nationalities will submeet to your every pleasure for very reasonable rates, starting as low as thirty dollars in off-peak hours...
...I don't follow," said Chuck...
...No," said Patty...
...And everyone who works at the Boston Globe knows for sure everyone does it...
...Maybe Bill Clinton is Everyman...
...Every man does it, just like Everyman does it...
...Let's hope so...
...LBJ did it and JFK did it and FDR did it and probably Chester Arthur did it, or maybe he's the only one who didn't and that's why no one remembers him...
...Including your daughter, when she needed a summer job in a hurry...
...they don't do it on federal time in a federal office while sitting in a federal chair staring down at a federal employee kneeling on federal broadloom...
...04 52 October 199 8 • The American Spectator...
...For what it's worth, when the President of the United States looks me in the eye and says these charges are false, I believe my President...
...asked Bud, laughing...
...You've just invented the Edsel of Especially you know who...
...My marriage was in trouble, and I foolishly let an old friendship discreetly blossom into...
...Lawks a-mercy...
...Before August 17 there were two defenses of Bill Clinton...
...I am not having sexual relations with this woman...
...I like to think of myself as a stereotypical sexist with the hots for every cocktail waitress in town...
...Where's the outrage...
...On a casual survey of junior staffers and young aides and research assistants, I'd say they're getting a lot less sex than you or I or The American Spectator • October 1998 51 even Ken Starr...
...Hey, tell me about it," said Chuck...
...Pleased to meet you, madam," we all said...
...What's up...
...Everyman...
...Why, yes, m'sieur," said Madam Fifi...
...I asked...
...Sixth, for what it's worth, I happen to agree with Mr...
...But any relationship with Bill Clinton that doesn't involve sexually servicing him seems likely to leave you dead, in jail, or drowning in legal bills...
...You want us to come to your house in our free time and pay to have meaningless, transitory sexual encounters...
...But even those congressional grandees for whom opportunity frequently knocks are understandably reluctant to nail their colors to the "Hey, we're all a bunch of sex fiends and liars" flag...
...Ze 'ouse across your beautiful common, I am in ze process of remodeling as a bordello, filled wiz ze finest girls from around the world...
...every-one lies about sex...
...his DNA is America's DNA...
...Well, come to think of it, I don't do it, or at least not as much as the rest of you seem to be doing it...
...said Bud...
...I don't know what all the fuss is about...
...everyone in Washington lies about everything...
...If you gratify him sexually you might wind up with a job —from Arkansas circuit judge to Pentagon clerk...
...Joe Cynic: What's the big deal...
...Unfortunately, that line collapsed with the president's speech, leaving for the moment only the din of Mr...
...That's right," said Patty...
...Second, not even every president does it and, of those who did, the vast majority did it once: there's a world of difference between General Eisenhower, far from home and bearing the vast responsibilities of Supreme Allied Commander, seeking solace in the warmth of an old friend, and a clapped-out old groover who hits on every broad who crosses his radar screen...
...Geez, I don't even know if that's deductible...
...Exactly...
...Everyone who's stopped in the street by a TV reporter says everyone does it...
...Oh, and the French do it all the time, especially wossname, that one who had the wife and mistress standing side by side at the funeral, and why can't we do it like he did it...
...Absolutely...
...Everyone doesn't do it...
...Wake up and smell the DNA...
...Maybe they're right...
...I am a madam...
...Thatcher, but it's not for want of desire on his part...
...Property taxes have never been lower and they re-graded my road this year...
...The White House spin team is so shockingly cynical it's even cynical about cynicism: It knows that in a postmodern culture a large segment of the population so yearns to be thought sophisticated and cynical that it'll fall for any old hooey...
...Fourth, of those who do feel the need to do it with a vast army of anonymous pliant bodies, most do it on their own nickel down at the local massage parlor...
...If you're stopped in the street by a TV reporter and tell him, "Everyone knows everyone does it," you're not being urbane and worldly, you're being played like a violin by Clinton's fiddlers...
...You do it and you do it and you do it and you do it and I do it...
...The morning after his address, I went down to my general store...
...Out of control...
...I've scored more chicks than you in the time it took to tell that story...
...Everyone knows everyone does it, and everyone knows that county attorney is...
...I don't get it," said Irv...
...I said to the guys...
...Bud, Chuck, and Iry were still buttoning themselves up when in came a voluptuous woman, her face rouged and powdered, her clinging gown barely concealing her ample charms...
...So, for everyone who thinks everyone does it, here's the truth...
...You musta cheated once or twice...
...You're in the middle of penetrative intercourse...
...No, no, you meezunderstand...
...Butyou can't get anything on this boy, because he tells you it all up front...
...I drew her aside...
...You know how it is when some broad's trying to hit you up for sexual harassment, so they get hold of some other broad you nailed, who's been yakking to a third broad about what she oughta say if anyone asks about you putting the moves on a fourth broad...
...I hasten to add he wasn't literally under Mrs...
...But take a good look at him, as he wags his finger, as he professes his legal accuracy, as he bravely moves his secretary into the line of fire...
...Don't be ridiculous," I said...
...How 'bout you, man...
...Suddenly, the door to the storeroom flew open and there was Patty's husband, Ed, in flagrante with Chuck's daughter...
...But not Chester Arthur...
...At this point, Bud, Chuck, and Iry all simultaneously dropped their pants and lunged at Patty's magnificent bosom, tearing her apron in the process...
...Once," I said...
...that's why, the day after Bill Clinton's state-of-myunion address on August 17, their front page bore the headline: "The Remaking of a President as Everyman...
...But were similar arrangements to apply at President Clinton's obsequies, it would be the biggest windfall for the nation's bus companies since the Million Man March...
...Always have, always will" — he would at least have a weird kind of integrity...
...But outrage is an unfashionable commodity in postmodern, ironic cultures...
...The only guy I've ever met as indiscriminately voracious as this president is Alan Clark, a British defense minister under Mrs...
...That's the way adults do it, and we're all adults, so that's why we all do it...
...If some uncouth fellow was vulgar enough to go on NPR and mention oral sex with interns, the host would fastidiously intone: "We should point out that these are all just allegations...
...Of course, maybe if they put out more they'd get lucky and land a full-time job—as Monica, alone among the White House interns, did...
...My name is Madam Fifi...
...Are you nuts...
...Instead, he's done something far more ambitious and corrupting: he's imposed his stunted view of human behavior on the country at large, conscripting his fellow Americans to condone his conduct as "normal," to make him their Everyman...
...The measured, moderate responses of the governing class ran: "Well, now, let's just hold off on that rush to judgment, shall we...
...you squaresville Rotarian types should loosen up, get over it...
...If the last seven months prove anything, it's that there's no crowd so naively lemming-like as these wannabe-savvy sophisticated cynics parroting the line "Everyone does it" as if it's the most original thought in the world...
...I meant with Laurey...
...Don't tell me that's in the Bible...
...Fifth, not everyone in Washington does it...
...Not all this ancient history...
...Bill Clinton is normal...
...But I wouldn't dignify this guy's modus operandi as "sexual relations": he might as well have had a trash compactor under the desk for all the human engagement in these encounters...
...A long time ago, and thousands of miles away...
...Everyone does it...
...wondered Bob Dole, pretty much to himself, during the last presidential campaign...
...roared Bud, slapping me on the back...
...He's a regular guy...
...Not you, too...
...Or maybe we were all too tuckered out after doing it with our history teacher to pay any attention to what she was saying in class the following morning...
...Speaking of which," said Chuck, "Bud's daughter Laurey just started working for me in an entry-level position and she's supposed to be 'delivering a package,' as we say...
...I suggested...
...He does it...
...50 October 199 8 • The American Spectator the sex business...
...Oh, for heaven's sake...
...Lady, you're all outta whack," said Chuck...
...Boys, boys...I haven't got the last stain out yet...
...Thatcher...
...Everyone knows," he explained patiently, "that, legally speaking, it isn't sexual relations unless it's with Hillary Rodham Clinton...
...She pulled a copy out from behind the counter and pointed to the 28th Amendment...
...Everyone who goes on the late-night talk shows says everyone does it...
...What Chuck does in private is his own affair, as long as he does it in his office during working hours with a young subordinate at taxpayers' expense...
...said Irv...
...Still everyone MARK STEYN is theater critic of the New Criterion and movie critic ofthe Spectator of London...
...Try and imagine the moment when he first lowered his zipper to his foolish young intern, in the midst of a government shutdown and with an election year ahead...
...First, everyone doesn't do it, and, of those who do, not everyone does it so often that he winds up in court lying under oath about it...
...All men do it, especially selectmen...
...This is the Clinton spin machine's greatest triumph...
...Making an apathetic electorate even more cynical about politics may save the president but kill his party...
...The United States Constitution...
...does it except me and a few uptight losers like Ken Starr who couldn't get laid in high school...
...asked the startled madam...
...Oh, the usual," said Bud...
...Who's gonna pay to have sex on their own time...
...Indeed, it'sworth asking whether this fabled empathizer is capable of anything the rest of the world would recognize as "human relations...
...Maybe one day, years from now, when the president's running an adult-movie house in Amsterdam, when Monica's dress has entered the federal witness protection program and following reconstructive surgery is living quietly as a pair of curtains in Des Moines, when America's long national wet dream is over, all these supposed sophists and cynics who tell call-in shows and pollsters "Everyone does it" will realize that, if anyone in this sorry saga cuts a more pathetic figure than the Pants-Dropper-in-Chief, it's them...
...She laughed gaily and straightened her hair...
...He professes to feel your pain, but on balance you'll wind up feeling his...
Vol. 31 • October 1998 • No. 10
