The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Drudgery; how beautiful, America? The weiners are... 0 O July passed with blue skies overhead and Washington resplendent in sunshine. A couch was found on Mars and is being...
...His shooting set off a week-long manhunt for Mr...
...Turner subscribes to the widely held Yuppie beliefs that our national anthem is too martial and that the defeat of Communism was brought about by gallant use of his television cameras by CNN...
...Local news reports that he had dialed telephone sex services from his courthouse 124 times put the kibosh to his judicial career...
...The juror, Mrs...
...Bruce Friedrich, a heavy-browed PETA apparatchik, the Weinermobile "is very, very fun...
...Tell it to Mr...
...In Dundalk, Maryland, the protesters outraged mothers at a Giant Foods parking lot and caused children to clutch their stuffed animals to their bosoms and cry...
...An ill-advised choice that: ordinary Americans revere the Weinermobile and are grateful for its stops at parks and supermarket parking lots, often on charitable missions...
...Jesse Jackson to notify both boxers and a grateful nation that the time has come to "Let the healing begin...
...Versace's sepulchral services featured on the front page of the New York Times and the unhappy Mr...
...Month-long mechanical snafus with the Russian space station Mir caused NASA officials to replace Miss Wendy Lawrence on a forthcoming Mir mission with Mr...
...And early in July while visiting a fourteenth-century prison in Palma De Mallorca, Spain, Boy Clinton quipped, "Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it...
...but to the relief of many of the Gay Community's most distinguished members, who feared he was on their tail, so to speak...
...So what's the difference if I talk to Uncle Frank...
...According to the AssoLiving off the fat of the land Across the fruited plane 8 September 19 9 7 • The American Spectator ciated Press, the suicidally inclined have been dialing the help line and getting a woman's voice promising "the naughtiest girls around...
...Tyson had been disqualified during his attempt to regain the heavyweight boxing title when he bit off champion Mr...
...Nakajima, Corporal Friedrich...
...Over in the City of Brotherly Love, the fey Mr...
...It is Mr...
...Hillary could not have explained the contretemps any more coyly...
...The New York Times reports that the Clintons have installed a seven-seat hot tub in the White House...
...In June Mr...
...David Wolf, a more suitable astronaut owing perhaps to the four billion more brain cells that men have over women as reported late in July by Dr...
...One prisoner plans legal action, claiming "it is an unquestionable constitutional right for inmates to have underwear...
...It's time to change with the times," the lumpyforeheaded Mr...
...The inmates had been putting their unmentionables to perfidious purposes...
...Anthony Cunanan, a suave homosexual escort from San Diego whose sudden decline into baldness and obesity had left him grumpy and unattractively homicidal...
...Gianni Versace was shot dead in Miami's South Beach section while walking home from the chic News Cafe...
...In California, convicted murderer Mr...
...Versace is the fashion designer idolized throughout the fashion world for spilling rich fat women into evening gowns of exorbitant cost, slutty style, and extremely uncomfortable design — Gotcha, babes...
...Tyson and his wife, Monica Turner, turned up at a fashionable Washington-area Italian restaurant, That's Amore...
...There he committed suicide to the huge disappointment of a near-hysterical media...
...RET The American Spectator • September I 9 9 7 9...
...The literary world was shaken when Miss Adrienne Rich, poet and controversialist, refused the Clinton administration's National Medal of the Arts award, asseverating that Art's Meaning is "incompatible with the cynical politics of this administration...
...Hirofumi Nakajima (roughly speaking) consumed 24.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes, surpassing his own world record and defying animal rights protesters who have made the summer of 1997 the "Summer of the Hot Dog...
...Sure does...
...It's selling the idea that eating hot dogs is fun...
...People talk to God, Joseph, and the Virgin Mary," she observed...
...Nonetheless the stormtroopers of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have set up pickets at many of the Weinermobile's stops, leading to many embarrassments...
...Charlie Trie, past owner of Little Rock's Fu Lin eatery and money laundry...
...The bite provoked the Rev...
...In Albany, Oregon, Linn County jail officials have banned underwear for male inmates...
...Evander Holyfield's ear...
...This is not the kind of message a suicidal person needs to hear," Miss Deborah Anderson of the Alliance for the Mentally Ill in South Carolina affirms...
...Joseph, Michigan, Judge Hugh Black —the Hillary Clinton of Berrien County District Court— has resigned...
...The weird episode ended with Mr...
...And in St...
...In Columbia, South Carolina, telephone officials are still trying to discover why dialers of a toll-free suicide hot line have been connecting with a telephone sex service...
...Later in July Mr...
...The authoritative Washington Times reports that the Boy President stands accused of making sexual advances on a White House staff member (female...
...The Crisis is not without its moments of couched humor...
...Turner said, "because brotherhood is a lot more important than military force...
...As the Washington Post put it with no trace of irony, "In San Diego, there had been concern that Cunanan would return for the gay pride festival...
...In Gay news, Mr...
...Geneva Gholston, 79, was blas...
...Reportedly the couch is being retrieved by the rover Sojourner and scientists are now devising ways to ship it back to Washington...
...In San Diego the placard-waving thugs surrounded a Weinermobile only to discover that it was raising money for muscular dystrophy...
...In sports news, two flyweight contestants from Japan, neither one weighing over 135 pounds, outconsumed a gluttonous 330-pound American to carry off the world's hot dog eating championship sponsored by Nathan's hot dogs on July 4th at Brooklyn's Coney Island...
...Mike Tyson's boxing license and fined him almost $3 million...
...Their main target has been the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile...
...Supreme Court watchers will follow this one closely...
...Which is why it's so invidious [insidious is the word, you stonehead...
...Gossip columnists could not resist reporting that the menu's pasta special was orecchiette, Italian for "little ears...
...A couch was found on Mars and is being retrieved by Sojourner —more on this later...
...Michael Hamilton is appealing his conviction on the grounds that one of his jurors had "communed" with a deceased ancestor during the trial...
...When in fact it is a violent, bloody business...
...Cunanan holed up in a suspected former client's plush houseboat...
...On July 9 the Nevada State Athletic Commission revoked Mr...
...Ted Turner, whilst receiving the Philadelphia Liberty Medal, opined that a national referendum ought to be held to replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" with "America the Beautiful...
...Hamilton's contention that all this talk with Uncle Frank ran afoul of strict courtroom admonitions against discussing the case out of court...
...Bente Pakkenberg, a lady neurologist at Copenhagen's Kommune Hospital...
...Well, possibly, but it is also possible that Miss Rich did not want to show up at the Medal of the Arts ceremony where she almost certainly would have to wear a clean pair of socks...
...Conceded Mr...
...Explaining his resignation, Judge Black sniveled it was "due to continuing difficulties with my hearing...
...Yet even in his darkest hour he showed a natural flare for alibiing...
...And Senator Fred Thompson's committee found Chinese money being brought to the Clintons in large paper bags by Mr...
...July was a good month for the American probe of Mars by Pathfinder, though readers on the Internet were surprised when it was reported on July 7 that Pathfinder had indeed photographed a couch resting on the Martian surface...
Vol. 30 • September 1997 • No. 9
