Ben Stein's Diary: Candice Laughter
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Candice Laughter Tuesday Well, here I am on stage four at Warner Brothers in Burbank. I have been hired to appear on "Murphy Brown" as a nerdy (surprise,...
...More character...
...What...
...I had as seatmate a young architect designing a $7 million home in Naples, Florida, for a wealthy . German...
...Some thumbnail history may be in order...
...I always wanted to make people laugh...
...I never thought for a minute I would be like this...
...To have more work in Hollywood is to have more fame, more attention paid...
...Thank Richard Nixon, who took the first major steps to end the strategic arms race...
...In 1948, on the twice truncated territory allotted to them by the U.N., the Jews declared their independence and the state of Israel was born...
...Then I gave a little speech...
...High winds wrecked that plan, so we were reshooting that "leftover" on a sound stage made to look like a tennis court...
...No, I always thought I would at least make a living...
...I always felt sad for Humphrey...
...Small community banks make human beings feel big...
...After lunch, in the blisteringly hot parking lot of the hotel, Ray showed me ways to fight off attackers if they wanted to steal my watch...
...Why does he fight so hard...
...When I finally got in, I could barely find a chair...
...This kind of thing is obviously going around...
...I have been hired to appear on "Murphy Brown" as a nerdy (surprise, surprise) assistant to a billionaire patterned after a mixture of Ron Perelman and Rupert Murdoch...
...The UN stepped in and proposed a partition plan under which the country (west of the River) was to be divided into respective Arab and Jewish areas...
...By a lucky stroke, who should be waiting for me downstairs but my policeman pal, Ray Wisher...
...In 1967, Egyptian president Abdel Nasser, joined by the same array of Arab armies that had unsuccessfully tried to destroy Israel at its birth in 1948, launched another war against Israel "to drive the Jews into the sea" and into oblivion, once and for all...
...Why should anybody be concerned about a new settlement of a few mobile homes on some barren Judean hills as the "greatest threat to peace," when we seem to be oblivious and totally unconcerned about the unrelenting hostility of the Arab countries, the de facto incorporation of Lebanon by Syria, the Scuds and the chemical weapons still remaining in Iraq, and the relentless and ominous build-up of Syria's missile forces...
...I mean, it was a gift from my wife and I like it, but I wouldn't risk my life and health for The American Spectator • May 1997 55 it...
...It was a few weeks ago, during the endless rains that struck Southern California this winter...
...Wednesday /./ done tole you and I done tole you...
...George Bush, who allowed the economy to go through a short but brutal recession at the beginning of this decade, knowing it might cost him the election, but also knowing it was necessary to wring the inflation out of the system for a good long while...
...Happy about the end of the Cold War and the disappearance of the nuclear Sword of Damocles...
...Is that all...
...Got to get home, pick up Mr...
...They were an amazingly nice bunch of people, as heartland Americans always are...
...Blows to the neck...
...Monday I am coming down with a cold, I guess...
...By coincidence, only a couple of weeks ago, I spent a truly wonderful day riding bikes in Santa Monica with Lisa Schiffren, a super writer who wrote the criticism of Murphy Brown that got her then-boss Dan Quayle into so much trouble here in Hollywood...
...Could they screw it up...
...Seinfeld brightened at this tale and said he would be sure to remember it...
...Back when you started out...
...Naturally, I was kept awake by the flight attendants talking among themselves and slept for only about an hour...
...I don't think I ever had any other ambition...
...When I got off the plane and into that maelstrom—Miami International Airport--I felt as if I were going to just fall down and die right there...
...Without their steady hand, without their unwavering commitment to price stability and the nation's knowing they meant business, inflation would never have stayed in the bag for long...
...I've had my moments," I said...
...Pressure points...
...I could virtually hear his little brain clicking and whirring as he thought about how to deal with that particular hurdle...
...Tommy pondered this deep bit of psychological insight and then he said, "Daddy, how are we doing on the monkey...
...Long Island," he said...
...Wow, did I feel lousy...
...The makeup woman nodded...
...To his eternal credit, Jerry had read at least some of it, and asked me a question...
...That we were in America because our parents had the foresight and the great good luck to come to America...
...I love small, community banks...
...Who gets credit...
...By their perseverance these two Republicans, appointed by Republicans, have given us almost perfect economic weather — moderate but steady growth without inflation...
...It was received well, if I may say so...
...I always wanted to be a comic...
...Your father and I will be tired from traveling," said the mother when she took the phone...
...When the dust of war settled, the Israelis had not only retained their national territory, but had repossessed the territories of Judea/Sumaria (the 'West Bank"), the eastern pan of Jerusalem, the Gaza Strip, the Golan Heights and had totally occupied Egypt's vast Sinai Peninsula...
...I can say for sure that when I'm working on "Seinfeld," I love it a lot...
...I want to be buried at Pepperdine...
...I ordered room service—the simplest possible meal, English muffins and tea...
...Only the area west of the Jordan River was left for the Jewish settlement How the West Bank became "Arab country" In 1947, after decades of strife between Arabs and Jews, the British decided to relinquish the Mandate...
...For starters, the public has extremely good feelings about the strength of our surging but non-inflationary economy...
...Next to me, a prosperous middle-aged couple talked to their daughter...
...Pepperdine is a gem of a place...
...They 56 May 1997 • The American Spectator 1111111^11111111111=1111111111=1111111^111111111^11^1111111^1111111^1111^11 You deserve a factual look at...
...In the context of the negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians that have now been going on for almost three years, it is often asserted that the Israeli towns and villages (usually and with some derogation referred to as "settlements") in Judea/Samaria (the "West Bank") are possibly the most serious obstacle to peace...
...The watchword for today should be: If you feel good about America, don't thank Bill Clinton, thank the Republicans...
...But the Israelis utterly defeated the combined Arab might in the Six-Day War, one of the greatest military victories in history...
...the Arabs refused it out of hand...
...Jerry looked thoughtful about this while his defender with the leg makeup said, "No, Jerry would have been a success on the frontier...
...But Nixon and Reagan, and millions of servicemen, made it happen...
...It's a Republican congressional idea that Clinton simply signed on to and then claimed credit for...
...Only to be awakened by—a fashion show by the pool...
...Blows to the shins...
...the father was saying...
...The others taught me the lesson: do what's best for yourself in a scholastic situation, not what's best for others...
...It would never have even passed his mind to take multi-million dollar contributions from the largest, most repressive country in Asia...
...I asked...
...You have to tell him who his ancestors were...
...Bill Clinton is the lucky fellow in the Big Boy coveralls who stayed home and was there to receive the souvenir baton from the conquering heroes...
...I like New York," Seinfeld said...
...I prepared quite a good evening for them, or so I thought, talking to them about what the Bible says about lawsuits, what motivates the Supreme Court of Delaware to change sides in cases, and about the general pervasiveness of self-interest— even self-interest by courts—in explaining decisions...
...At that, Jerry actually slapped me gently on the back and said, "You got that right...
...Large numbers of Jews have been living in these territories since biblical times...
...Originally, I was going to be the billionaire, but they made him into a handsome Englishman played by Ian Ogilvy, nephew of David Ogilvy, founder of Ogilvy & Mather, one of the premier ad agencies on this earth...
...The war against peace and quiet is being waged very successfully by America's hotels...
...Alas, as we go through our first day of rehearsals, Candice Bergen, and her costar, another fave of mine, Lily Tomlin, are preoccupied by something and pay little attention to me, a lowly day player...
...If he had been born in 1858 instead of 1958, he would have been a lot less successful...
...Now can some Republican tell me how to make Tommy do his homework...
...But who deserves credit...
...He works in nearby Cape Coral...
...You came along at a very good time in history...
...You just have to hit the right spot or the guy just gets mad at you and kills you...
...It means, my boy, that you cannot have anything that would endanger your health or morals or those of the community...
...By the time I went to sleep, I was ready to sleep forever...
...The club was full...
...People here are real, too," I said...
...When I left the set, an assistant director told me there would be re-writes and I would have more lines...
...I told him, among many other things, about how hard it was to make Tommy do his homework...
...Sure enough, it's day deux of the week's work on "Murphy Brown," and wouldn't you know it, Candice and Lily are incredibly friendly to me...
...I trudged through the terminal with my pitiful luggage and made it up to the Admirals' Club—to wait for my connecting SAAB 34o flight to Fort Myers...
...Bill Clinton benefits from a world at peace...
...I do not feel the same way about Jack Nicholson, who also starred in the movie, mainly because he and I are rivals for the insights and advice of the nutty nutritionist, Mary Muff Maguire...
...Truly great...
...They're not the same as New York, but they're real...
...And speaking of education in the cruel world, this morning I watched a pollster on TV talking about how happy Americans are with Bill Clinton...
...I look at these people's kind faces and I just feel good about humanity...
...It was Republicans who thought of mandatory sentences and "three strikes and you're out" that kept career criminals in jail longer, taking the worst offenders off the streets...
...Did you ever think you would be as successful as you are now...
...Most of all, thank two Republican chairmen of the Federal Reserve Board, Paul Volcker and Alan Greenspan...
...When I said my lines to Candice, she smiled and slapped me on the shoulder afterwards...
...And also thank my father, chairman of the CEA under Nixon (and briefly Ford), who preached the old-fashioned virtue of fighting inflation and brought wage-price controls to a speedy end...
...Most of the Arabs living there are in fact relative newcomers...
...The attendants did not want to look up my number (I have a lifetime membership and don't bother to carry a card...
...I am really worried...
...I asked him...
...I figured that I could sleep the whole way on the plane and I would arrive in Miami feeling fairly good...
...No matter what else happens to me any day, I am always on my knees with gratitude that I am an American, and this really is the greatest of the many unearned gifts we all get every day from a God who is better to me than I deserve...
...A thought came into my little brain...
...Wrong...
...An assistant director conveyed me speedily into makeup to get my legs and neck made up so that I would not look too horribly pasty and pale on the set in my nerdy tennis outfit...
...A few days before, I had given Jerry a book by moi, DREEMZ, about my first year in Hollywood, a mere twenty years before...
...A recap of history...
...Jerusalem was to be internationalized...
...I have forty students in my class...
...Buy a house on the beach in Santa Monica for a monkey...
...Or week player...
...You won't let me have anything I really want...
...Palestine" is the entire area now covered by Israel including Judea/Samaria (the so-called "West Bank") and what is now the Kingdom of Jordan...
...It's an hour's drive from my home to Pepperdine, unless I happen to be in Malibu...
...You won't be 16 until Thursday...
...Just to see the dawn on the set...
...When I missed a cue and forgot to carry out a prop on time, Lily came running after me with my raincoat and cell phone and then made it all funny instead of embarrassing...
...Egypt remained in possession of the Gaza Strip...
...And I didn't really care...
...That would have been about 1955 or 1956...
...Months ago, I made a commitment to speak to a group of very nice bankers from America's heartland who were meeting at a Hilton hotel on Marco Island, on Florida's southwest coast...
...About 200,000 Jews now live there...
...It originally also included the Golan Heights, which later, in an agreement between England and France, were ceded to France, and to Syria as the successor in possession...
...This has gotten to be a true crisis...
...The eight who did show up were good students, and I actually left the class feeling great...
...He slouches in his chair, puts his head on his arm, generally actslike one of the kids in the class I "taught" in Ferris Bueller's Day Off...
...One of my scenes had been slated for a huge outdoor tennis court covered over by a huge tent...
...In New York, it's all real...
...What does that mean...
...dropped this juicy plum right into Bill Clinton's undeserving lap...
...He mentioned a town that was a middle-class, fine place...
...The writers, God love 'em, have added two important scenes for little me...
...The Six-Day War...
...It is in an old building, has real lath-and-plaster walls, a real couch, real mullioned windows, a bathroom with a shower — I would love to know every starlet who had ever used this shower —and a lovely view out over blue skies and palm trees...
...I mean, when I came out here, I never allowed for the possibility of coming back and doing something else...
...Daddy," Tommy asks as we ride along the boardwalk, "can I get an iguana...
...You have to tell him about honor and the dignity of doing your job...
...No...
...He had nothing to do with it except to watch and open his hand to get the gifts...
...But you drive from place to place and it just seems like empty space between places...
...It is clear from this abbreviated history that the Israeli claim to the 'West Bank" is far stronger than that of the Arabs...
...Do you ever think how incredibly lucky you've been...
...Happy about the decline of crime...
...Once in possession of the "West Bank" and East Jerusalem, the Jordanians promptly proceeded to expel all Jews and systematically to desecrate and to destroy most Jewish sacred places, cemeteries and houses of worship...
...Thank Ronald Reagan, who was the first president to say, "We're not in retreat, we forces of freedom and individual dignity: We're going to win...
...He and his wife told me about Humphrey, as did another very nice man at the table...
...Eight turned up for the class...
...Now, my time has come to actually give the speech...
...Ray got into his solid, honest-citizen's truck, and drove off...
...That's true," he said...
...But I dragged myself out to my class at Pepperdine to teach the little angels about securities law...
...Thursday Morning in a strange hotel in the vise-like grip of this flu...
...Wednesday N ow, here is some truly great advice...
...Do you really like L.A...
...How can 200,000 Jews living among one million Arabs be the "greatest threat to peace...
...In Hollywood, we like it when we have more work...
...No one could be as big as you are without TV...
...No Jews, regardless of citizenship were allowed into the "West Bank" or East Jerusalem, the locale of the Western Wall, the holiest site in Judaism...
...He'd be successful, but not what he is now...
...No...
...For some reason, without much thought, I said, "This breeze we have here on Marco Island reminds me of the breeze on our front lawn in Maryland when my sister used to practice to be a cheerleader for Eastern Junior High...
...It's all his talent," she said...
...I never went to any really mean schools like Eton or Harrow...
...Then, my speech...
...Bill Clinton, in his characteristic, stunningly lucky way, gets credit for that...
...would just die...
...I could not sleep well...
...The whole "get tough on crime" notion has been a GOP standard that Clinton just stole...
...No pretense, like someone else I might mention, about being a social conservative when he's really a full-on, big-time liberal...
...Like the idea of welfare reform that will supposedly make welfare recipients work for their money...
...He talked for a while about where his parents were from and then he noted that both of his parents had been orphans, so they especially loved family life and felt very protective towards him...
...My commuter flight was perfect...
...It was easy to give it, because I hate big bank chains so much...
...We've all had one giant stroke of luck that we don't think about enough...
...Why should the Arab countries and the 'West Bank' be the only places in the world where Jews are not allowed to live...
...What is to become of him if he won't do his homework...
...My little angel, Tommy Stein, pretends to be sick, then quite literally gets sick to his stomach, gets headaches, anything at all to resist doing his homework...
...I really love my dressing room...
...On the same day, six Arab armies invaded the new-born state...
...In fact, this was the exact lesson I meant to teach the students, only in a litigation context...
...I wonder if I might be allowed to spend the night here in my dressing room...
...He put meaning into an arms buildup that was effective enough to make the Russians see the futility of the whole competition...
...Why should the Arab countries and the 'West Bank" be the only places in the whole wide world where Jews are not allowed to live...
...When an armistice was finally secured, however, TransJordan remained in possession of Judea/Samaria (the "West Bank") and the eastern part of Jerusalem...
...The Jews accepted the plan...
...When I feel sick it's the Lubyanka...
...Always...
...At my table was Glenn Johnson, a great fellow who had been campaign manager for Hubert Humphrey, and then a high Treasury official...
...In what can be described as an almost biblical miracle, the Jews defeated them...
...The hotel was holding a fashion show by the pool, and announcing the hideous fashion selections by deafening loudspeaker...
...Like Cortes," I said, "who burned his ships so his men would know they had to conquer or die...
...You can bring the whole body down with one or two blows," he said...
...In 1922, contrary to the Mandate of the League of Nations, the British severed the entire area east of the Jordan and gave it to the Hashemite Arabs for their assistance in World War I. Thus, fully 75% of Palestine, all of which under the Mandate and under the terms of the Balfour Declaration was meant to be a home for the Jewish people, was lost for that purpose...
...Jerry said that was a point...
...For a while, but not forever," he added, and we all laughed...
...Bill Clinton...
...You have to stand up for yourself...
...She would sing, `Push 'em back, push 'em back, way44 Who deserves credit for our surging, non-inflationary economy...
...I hardly dared tell him that I didn't really care that much about my watch...
...There were several women applying makeup to his legs...
...We had lunch outdoors...
...Why not...
...I thought I just possibly might be able to afford an apartment and dinner out on occasion...
...Like most people from Florida, he talked endlessly about the growth in the area, what famous people played golf there, and how much condos cost...
...Never," he said...
...Good things...
...Plus, no one could ever question Hubert Humphrey's devotion to the nation...
...Ronald Reagan, for making giant strides toward deregulation, which increased production without allowing for price-fixing, especially in oil...
...My hosts applauded loudly...
...There were also several makeup women applying makeup lovingly to his legs...
...Those "West Bank" Settlements Are they really the "greatest obstacle to peace...
...I agree, but without television, he wouldn't have been able to reach a hundred million people or more every week...
...I asked...
...Not really," he said...
...I wonder how they think cold English muffins taste...
...Perfect, and take him to a brief bike and roller-blade ride in Santa Monica...
...Bush's was truly unselfish statesmanship...
...People on the streets...
...Getting him to write his answers neatly, to put the arithmetic operations where they belong...this is an all-day and all-night job...
...And why shouldn't they...
...Friday I dragged myself out of bed...
...But if you're enjoying the blessings of growth, price stability, the end of the Cold War, safer streets, a more equitable approach to welfare—thank a Republican...
...That's what Mammy says to Scarlett in Gone With The Wind whenever one of her predictions comes true...
...The only other actor in there was, yes, Jerry Seinfeld...
...I think this is going to work out well...
...He did try hard in Bosnia and all of the former Yugoslavia...
...You want me to do what...
...By the time I'm done, I feel tense, angry, bewildered...
...We all did our run-throughs and then we did blocking, and I got a lot, I mean a ton, of laughter on my reading...
...He was a liberal, and he made no bones about it...
...Were your parents born on Long Island...
...Box 590359 ^ San Ftancisco,CA 94159 FLAME is a 501(c)(3) educational institution...
...Unless you know how to do these things, you just have that watch for as long as it takes for some guy to take it away from you...
...Tell him how much honor his ancestors had to have to get where they got and put him where he is...
...I am worried...
...If you had a really long time, you might be able to find something that Clinton did that was of value...
...How about a cute little garden snake...
...But I didn't think I'd be a total failure and have to wait tables for the rest of my life...
...paso, his production company, and I may get a glimpse of him if I am lucky...
...Really...
...Ronald Reagan...
...That has been and is being repeated so often that many have come to accept it as truth...
...We'd watch her there in front of the crowd and she would be having a great time...
...that much...
...He also created the diplomatic box into which he pushed the Soviet Union, making expansion by it impossible and thus forcing it to collapse upon itself and its hollow promises and essential corruption, spiritual and material...
...That was how motivated he was and how sure he was...
...But his basic point—that you have to stand up for yourself in life—is so well-taken and his kind wish to share his knowledge with me is so strong that I can only stand there and be flattered as he points out the electrical circuits in the body...
...Being born in America...
...As I fitfully tossed and turned, I recalled a recent incident when I was on the set of "Seinfeld...
...lY back...' or something just like it...
...You're the new boy for a while, but then you get yourself up to speed just by smiling and being friendly, and pretty soon, everyone else is friendly back at you...
...Buy you a new color TV and a car tomorrow...
...What was the difference between them and us...
...As I told my listeners, "Big banks make human beings feel small...
...Did you grow up in New York...
...This ad has been published and paid for by FILAME Fads and Logic about the Middle East P.O...
...I liked it all right," he said, "but mostly I liked to go into the city...
...Yes, I will let you have anything that we can afford that is not illegal or against public policy...
...Your tax-deductible 38B contribution allows us to publish these important messages...
...It sure helped me...
...I do not want to send him off into the world without his having a basic idea of duty and work...
...If you can afford a house, if you have started a business that's growing, if you have a secure retirement, thank Reagan, Bush, Volcker, and Greenspan...
...They could and they did...
...Tuesday N ow, here is a real crisis...
...Did you ever think you might not succeed at it...
...Back to dream land, and then up to have lunch with my hosts...
...Still, I have a great dressing room overlooking Clint Eastwood's office at MalBENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...I'll think about it...
...I slept some more, only to be awakened by the loud noise of a horrible loudspeaker outside my window...
...In any event, appearing on a set is like showing up for the first day of school at a new school...
...That airport is terrifying even when I feel good...
...He drove about an hour on virtually no sleep to visit me...
...People to talk to...
...What about you...
...Real neighborhoods...
...But by the time I got home, I thought I44 The only other actor there was Jerry Seinfeld...
...In one 52 May 1997 The American Spectator hate the people on the inside, but make legitimate efforts to become part of the group...
...Because it'll make an awful mess,smell bad, and then you'll murder the poor thing...
...Money is a big subject...
...He has a wife, two small kids, and he helps his wife with her wallpaper business, as well as serving as a very active cop and writer for magazines about what he sees on the street as American youth loses every shred of virtue...
...Plus," I said, "if you had been born in a small shtetl in Poland in 1928, you probably wouldn't have even survived, let alone made it out alive...
...No monkey...
...I've felt this way ever since seeing her in Carnal Knowledge, an astonishingly insightful look at relations between men and women, possibly the best movie on the subject I have ever seen...
...I hate this a lot...
...How about a monkey...
...Then I talked a little about Hollywood and then back to sleep...
...It's a real place...
...He did not pretend to be different from what he was...
...Hmmm...
...The truth is that in every area where the president gets high marks, he is no more than the passive or semi-active heir or imitator of the GOP...
...I learned this the hardest possible way: Do not travel great distances when sick...
...At that, a protective member of the makeup team chimed in that Jerry had not been lucky...
...I don't think so," I said...
...Thus, I should have been smart about it and stayed in bed and rested...
...Some days I love it and other days I hate it...
...Daddy," he asked, "can we get a house right here on the beach in Santa Monica so I could keep my monkey here and then his mess wouldn't bother Mommy...
...What are the facts...
...TransJordan renamed itself Jordan...
...He is going to be a famous writer someday, like Joe Wambaugh...
...He would always have been successful...
...Hmm...
...Only about ten years before, kids just like my sister and me, exactly like us except that they hadn't been born in America, were getting shoved into gas chambers, shot on the spot, killed for the crime of being Jewish...
...My driver was a cheery guy from 0 54 May 1997 The American Spectator Williamstown, Massachusetts, where my father went to college lo, these many years ago...
...Did you ever think you might be anything but a comedian...
...No, not really...
...Maybe that'll help...
...The director, Peter Bonerz, a star on the old Newhart show, is a fellow I worked with twenty years ago at Tandem, Norman Lear's company...
...I hereby set it down as a maxim: No one likes to be ignored...
...Did you like it...
...I love this show, mainly because I love Candice Bergen...
...Can it wait until Monday...
...Long time ago...
...He is a thorough professional, with a veneer of irritability, but very likable...
Vol. 30 • May 1997 • No. 5
