The Continuing Crisis
A beefy Canadian, a frugal gourmet; deer old England During January not a week went by without new scandalous revelations that the White House lies (in "Dribs and Drabs," as the Washington Post...
...RET Two feet tall and barks at strangers The American Spectator • March 1997 9...
...In sports news, the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl...
...Smith's eatery served as an off-campus classroom for a local vocational training program whose syllabus gave absolutely no hint of the topics allegedly raised by Mr...
...James Dickey, author of Deliverance, and Miss Adriana Caselotti, the original voice of Walt Disney's Snow White...
...Jeff Smith...
...There's nothing left...
...The 53-year-old Mr...
...There are no civil rights anymore...
...And at the Alfalfa Club meeting at the end of the month Our President conveyed his vision of America in the year 1997...
...A compassionless NBA penalized Mr...
...Christopher did not wear so much powder...
...Portalla] don't know whether it's a listening device or a tracking device, but he knows they put it in his incision after he was shot in the butt...
...Barking deer" love them...
...Mulroney, the beefy swank whose tenure at the public trough lasted from 1984 to 1993, was suing the Canadian government for slanderous accusations about his past indiscretions and how he might have become so rotund...
...Little festive candles ignited in Our President's heart when the entire government of Canada was forced to apologize to the country's former prime minister, Mr...
...The Senate approved Mrs...
...Madeleine Albright as secretary of state...
...Portalla's person during surgery in November after he was shot in a nightclub melee...
...Vincent "Gigi" Portalla...
...And Mr...
...The device allowed authorities to monitor his alleged drug trafficking and arrest him as he entered Logan International Airport with a sizable quantity of cocaine...
...He was an eloquent writer, who also managed to demonstrate to fellow policy wonks that one can be intelligent, well-tailored, and suave —a lesson that was lost on most...
...Morris spent much of January hawking his new and banal book, Behind the Oval Office, and trying to kick the foot fetish that first attracted him to his expensive inamorata—though possibly kick is not the right word...
...Francisco "Pancho" Morales, died of natural causes...
...Smith...
...Portalla himself said at his arraignment, "They put an illegal device in my body...
...The incident took place during an NBA game in Minneapolis, and was apparently an attempt by Rodman to apply instant therapy to a painful ankle, which he turned just as he spotted the cameraman filming the game at courtside...
...England's flower lovers are demanding the deer's eradication, which has aroused dismay among members of the Mammal Society and panic among members of the British Deer Society...
...jack Nance is dead...
...Known as the "barking deer," the creature stands but twenty-four inches high at the shoulder...
...Perhaps the fine can be redeemed in Camel cigarettes...
...Though Boy Clinton's second inaugural was a drab affair, his irrepressible good cheer could not be repressed...
...Finally Cold Warriors marked the passing of one of the most learned and strategic thinkers of the War Unfought, the Cold War...
...Rodman, suspending him without pay for at least eleven games and requiring that he undergo counseling...
...Rodman's ankle is now fine, and his league-ordered counseling has led him to the Rev...
...Portalla, an aspiring Mafioso, is suing local police for placing a bugging device in his buttocks...
...Nance, who starred in the 1978 cult film classic Eraserhead, died after an altercation in a South Pasadena doughnut shop...
...Also among the month's deceased is Mr...
...According to a source quoted anonymously in the Boston Herald, "Vinnie [Mr...
...One such court has ordered a reckless driver to pay the relatives of a man whom he killed in a traffic accident sixty-three camels, though there are no camels in Chechnya...
...Meanwhile Mr...
...Apparently Mr...
...Dick MorA cultural icon who cannot be erased I get no kicks from champagne 8 March 1997 • The American Spectator ris announced plans to divorce her dashingly handsome albeit pudgy and revolting husband, owing to the continuing publicity the couple has received since he was exposed for frequenting a $2.00-anhour prostitute with whom he apparently fell madly in love...
...It takes a big man to express visions such as that...
...In New Delhi environmentalists expressed displeasure when it was announced that the ashes of the late Mr...
...In Tacoma, Washington, an unnamed 36-year-old man made gourmand history when he filed sexual assault charges on January 23 against PBS's famed "Frugal Gourmet," Mr...
...In El Paso, Texas, the man widely credited with being the father of the margarita, Mr...
...They did it during my surgery...
...Dennis Rodman scored big when he drop-kicked a cameraman in the old groin-aroonie...
...Jesse Jackson, or perhaps vice versa...
...It was imported from China in 1828 by the iith Duke of Bedford, a hayfever sufferer determined to eliminate all wild flowers from his estate, cheerless, treeless, lifeless, Woburn Abbey whose rooms often echoed and re-echoed with the Duke's ceaseless sneezing and nose blowing...
...Feminists claim she is America's first woman secretary of state, an unconscionable slight against the anile and petulant departing Secretary of State Warren Christopher, though ; truth be told even the Hon...
...Who today might be chosen to serve as the voice of Snow White, were the modern Disney company to unveil a new version...
...In England a tiny deer's voracious appetite for wild flowers threatens civil war amongst do-gooders...
...In Florida, Governor Lawton Chiles inadvertently forged an alliance between family values advocates and the sexually depraved when he announced his intention to balance the state's budget by levying a tax on admissions to topless clubs, peep shows, and body-shampoo salons...
...Yet the esurient barking deer have spread out far beyond Woburn Abbey and are threatening such floral jewels as the bluebell, the primrose, and, of course, the oddly named dog's mercury...
...On January 15, Chicago Bulls forward Mr...
...Vinnie says there has been a little dot in the sky over him that you could see faintly ever since he got out of the hospital and the dot is probably connected to the chip...
...Vinnie is a philosopher...
...Smith's restaurant...
...Perhaps Miss Heidi Fleiss— early in January she was sentenced to thirty-seven months in the Big House for tax evasion and money laundering...
...According to the plaintiff, the assault took place sometime in the 1970's when he was working in the narrow confines of Mr...
...Now, a century and a half later, the Duke sneezes no more, and all his handkerchiefs are dry...
...Morales, who is also the grandfather of millions of subsequent hangovers, was 78 at the time of his death and had spent the last twenty-five years of his professional life as a milkman...
...Civil libertarians in Boston are leaping to the cause of Mr...
...deer old England During January not a week went by without new scandalous revelations that the White House lies (in "Dribs and Drabs," as the Washington Post twice editorialized) and has even kept an enemies list of journalists (many of the names taken from our table of contents for the last four years...
...More news on this next month...
...The wife of genius political consultant Mr...
...At the secret conclave our big lovable lug of a president foresaw a capital where he will bond with Speaker Gingrich, despite the latter's unsavory reputation...
...Brian Mulroney...
...Mohandas Gandhi are finally to be immersed in the Ganges river, despite the vast number of contaminants already polluting the ancient artery...
...In Chechnya the newly established Islamic courts are already making history...
...The cameraman is recovering, Mr...
...Albert Wohlstetter, who died at the age of 83 on January 10, successfully advocated the development of an American arsenal capable of repulsing multiple threats from the Soviet Union...
...Apparently the device was secreted in Mr...
Vol. 30 • March 1997 • No. 3
