Ben Stein's Diary: Life on a Merry-Go-Round
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Life on a Merry-Go-Round Friday I t's my birthday. I am 5z. I awakened and went to el computador to see who had e-mailed me. E-mailing has become a big...
...No, it's more than that...
...It seemed to me that he had done well since he left, but he was obviously sad about his life...
...Hoover...
...It sure seemed funny 54 February 1997 • The American Spectator 0 to me and most of the audience was laughing like gangbusters...
...There is a science teacher named Jay, and an opera singer named Jennifer...
...While I am sensitive and not at all smart about human relations, I was smart enough to go forward with the part offered to me...
...Bueller, Bueller," said a passerby...
...The best part of the evening was that Tommy wore his Cub Scout uniform...
...Friday W ell, now it has happened to me before...
...I reminded him of his loud drums...
...tossed it somewhere and it rolled under a dumpster, and now it's history...
...There were the writers, a bedraggled lot, each one enjoying probably the best writing gig in the world...
...What's going on...
...I like having a lot of scenes...
...I have thought about it," Tommy said, nose in the air...
...They look like it, too...
...We have been rehearsing for months now in a dreary office building in Burbank...
...Julie added, "And while you're going around, you go up and down...
...All right," I said...
...Maybe by the time I am dead, there will be video games that can in fact comfort a child and can tuck him in and hold his hand as he walks down the street in Beverly Hills...
...It's pouring, and there's a heavy wind...
...Why do restaurants make it so dark you can't see a damned thing...
...Just great...
...Bad omens on my way to Burbank...
...We stanched it with Kleenex and I threw on dirty clothes and hustled him over to his doctor in Beverly Hills...
...She howls, literally howls, if I leave her in my condo or at home...
...In round two, when I began to answer questions as a "common contestant," I could have sworn my buzzer didn't work...
...Then they get an even bigger crane...
...I assume you are crying because you know how much you have hurt me...
...This should be turned into a play...
...My opponent got them both...
...If I take her in the Acura, she just falls asleep whimpering softly...
...I had to wonder which part was controversial in Hollywood: the criticism of the devil or the praise of religion...
...The show is supposed to be funny as well as a brain teaser...
...Alex went on to talk to more important people like Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin, the hosts of the evening...
...I was very hurt indeed...
...I went to buy a new stereo so that I can hear the world's best song, "Idiot Wind," on better equipment...
...It is literally unimaginable to him that he would be in a green room in Hollywood with someone who thought the Committee was right and the Stalinists were wrong...
...Aaaarrrgh...
...When we pulled up to the lot, I noticed that all of the men were in black tie...
...Then parking was blocked all around the theater...
...By strict orders, we "guest stars" are confined to a little green room before we go on...
...That and because you're going to throw out my video games...
...I asked him...
...She has taken over the nutrition-guiding chores from "Buffy," who, I hear, is in cocaine rehab, and she's driving me crazy...
...They didn't even nominate him for an Oscar...
...By then I was ready to jump off a tall building...
...Mary Muff Maguire is a tall, thin, almost bony brunette with a Louise Brooks–type helmet hairdo...
...Virginia...
...A thin man who has the part I was originally supposed to have is talking about how he's going to New York soon to be in a play about the House Un-American Activities Committee...
...Cool,' he said...
...Buchanan...
...She looked crestfallen as she handed me a pass and pointed to an unmarked door...
...By about 3:30, a group of my pals and a far larger group of strangers appeared in the audience: Al's insightful wife Sally Burton, their daughter and son-in-law, my commercial and theatrical agents, my beautiful and wonderful assistants, and of course Alex, my sainted bride, and Tommy, angel of the day and night...
...Are you upset because you know how much you've insulted your father...
...I do that mostly by having an imitation game show announcer's voice, as animated as my voice is usually flat...
...Six scenes...
...You have hurt Daddy very badly," I said...
...The rest of the session was all right...
...However, it is only two scenes, one without sound...
...To you...
...I took it and threw it in a trash can...
...No real money has yet changed hands...
...I applaud it, although I do eat animals far more than I should for their sake or mine...
...I bought a bargain Denon ensemble...
...To you or to me...
...Now she's a nutritionist...
...I like it a lot...
...I want to play Nintendo...
...The stereo works pretty well now, but I resent having to replace brand new parts...
...I asked the clerk...
...I am wanted over at "Seinfeld" tomorrow to audition for quite a big guest-starring part...
...But when I went to the Caddy dealer in Calabasas, it was closed...
...However, they will offer you the part of the lawyer, Shellbach, and they tell me it's a funny part...
...Tommy asked...
...On the way out, we grabbed a few vegetarian cookies, which means no cream or dairy of any kind...
...Harvard, I believe...
...Where do you live...
...We both had Diet Coke, and he told me of his plans...
...So was the one in Beverly Hills...
...Thursday M y pal Phil DeMuth and I are strolling around the lot of CBS-Radford, in the Valley, looking for the building where I am to audition...
...He stared at me smugly, bouncing his ball...
...Tasteless, alas...
...But it really hurts to be insulted, even by a receptionist you have never met, who is obviously not a happy person...
...I do not like changes of plans...
...That sounds worse than embalming...
...A pleasure doing business with you," she said sarcastically...
...People ask me all the time," she said...
...He's also talking about losing touch with his sons...
...No such luck...
...When I got it home, I saw that half of the parts were made in Korea, and that's all right, I guess...
...It was good," he said with a soulful look...
...I give up...
...Kevin Nealon gave some brief remarks...
...The contestants are maddeningly well informed today...
...In fact, when I assembled it, the parts from Hungary didn't work...
...I take care of you...
...Suddenly the boy turned up the volume to a hugely excessive level, making the rest of us jump...
...What luck...
...There also was Jerry Seinfeld his own self, who kindly said, "I've enjoyed your work for years...
...We had our "table read" I sat there with all the big powers, Kramer, George, Elaine, Seinfeld himself...
...I have only one scene tonight...
...I took my pitiful belongings from my dressing room and put them in the trunk of my Acura...
...We are filming most of the "Seinfeld" episode before a very lively audience over at CBS-Radford...
...He looked at me as if he had not just been sitting one foot away from me in a scene...
...in the rain is not L.A...
...You only respect food, not food science...
...This is more like it.44 'Why not try this?' I asked, and turned the stereo up to its absolute top deafening level...
...Who was the first president born west of the Mississippi...
...I was on his show about five years ago and he remembered me...
...Anyone ever heard of a Ben Stein...
...Tommy came over to help me pack...
...She was operating at about double the horsepower needed for the gig or de rigueur in the green room...
...Then the program started...
...He even came to my side and kissed me...
...Then I learned that my dear pal, Al Burton, had suffered farworse...
...We decided to leave for the Muppets party...
...Tommy stuck out his hand for daddy to hold...
...It was vegetarian and somewhat bland, to put it very mildly...
...I just remembered on Friday when I saw an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal blasting PETA for objecting to the use of laboratory animals to find cures for diseases...
...I have to take her everywhere I go...
...I walked over to the boy and smiled at him...
...I had to use my ancient American wires and clean the connections before the speakers played...
...She calls at all hours of the day and night to check on what I'm eating—a one-woman food Gestapo...
...We live in Wilton, Connecticut...
...Then, back to my apartment to rest and prepare my soul for a very big afternoon...
...It's too dead in Connecticut for people who like to go out...
...After the show, there were more kisses and slaps on the back...
...Hmmm...
...Out of business...
...This is not only "Seinfeld," a super show, but the part is killer...
...It was great except that there was a continuing problem with the lights...
...This afternoon, I picked up Little Perfect from school...
...Yeah...
...I particularly like to e-mail back and forth with old girlfriends whom I haven't seen for twenty or thirty years...
...Tommy, I had a big evening tonight," I said...
...You're a few days behind...
...The same studio makes "Rugrats," his all time fave, so I thought he would love to go there...
...But L.A...
...In fact, in a cruel touch, the show has brought in some contestants who beat me in the past...
...Nahhh...
...With a vicious look, the receptionist picked up the phone and said in a mocking voice, "Does anyone there know a Ben Stein...
...he asked...
...Hey, wait a minute...
...Seinfeld" is a big show...
...Do you mean to tell me that you would rather watch a video game than spend time with me...
...My co-guest star, a lovely 21-year-old girl from (yes) Croatia, by way of Detroit, came over from her cubicle to keep me company...
...It'll take you twenty minutes, tops," he said...
...I like to win...
...You go around a few times, and then it stops...
...You act like nutrition is just a crank science or something...
...He still thinks studio lots are glamorous places...
...The top honchos from Disney TV sat right in front of me, though, looking like immobile versions of Buster Keaton...
...Danielle said, "Have you noticed how a merry-go-round is like life...
...I wish I could play Martin Dies," I said...
...We found the building and I wandered up to the casting session and found the reading room...
...I thought that was extremely brilliant...
...My daughter told me that...
...It's got me as a science teacher, surprise, surprise, and it's about Arctic sea slugs and young people on a beach, and it's really cute...
...It's the same bet I made with Buffy...
...I am a little embarrassed to say that in fact I did hang up on her...
...A man a little older than I am is discussing the gory details of burial and embalming...
...You know what the amazing part is...
...I'll take it up with the Good Guys and see just how good they are...
...I had an audition for the new version of Flubber over at Disney...
...How come the dealers are all vanishing...
...Then Garry Shandling gave some very funny jokes about dogs drinking out of toilet bowls...
...If you don't take it seriously, I'm not going to take you seriously...
...What three presidents before 1850 all died on July 4? Monroe, Adams, and Jefferson...
...Sure enough, in moments, he returned and said I had the part...
...Forget all that stuff I've ever said about how I hate Hollywood...
...All around the store, a generally good place called the Good Guys, people listened to monstrous stereos and TV's, TV's like entire houses, TV's like dirigibles...
...After the show I hated to leave, as always...
...Caddy is supposed to be the muscle car of the nineties...
...We'll see...
...Obviously, I made a big mistake getting them for you in the first place...
...Dinner was served...
...The ball is gone, too," I said...
...No, there isn't...
...I sat on the set for an hour and then did "blocking" with George, also known as Jason Alexander...
...As my wise mother says, few people talk about their losses...
...I lost...
...Most frightening of all is Tim, a 25-year-old with a partially shaved head who went to Hampton-Sidney College in Virginia, where they seem to have implanted all of the last hundred years' of the New York Times plus the Encyclopedia Britannica in his head...
...Now we are about to see how it plays before a live audience...
...I had been one of the first dozen or so contributors long ago...
...Near me, a teenage boy and his Mom studied a stereo...
...He did learn a lot...
...When a producer came by, she literally played with his nipples...
...Here's some good news...
...Somehow it's fitting that I should be defeated on a question having to do with two women I really don't care a lot for...
...He laughed...
...She said it was fine (without even examining him, by the way) and then he and I went over to his barber, also in Beverly Hills...
...I said, "Yes, there is...
...But you lost...
...I was damned impressed...
...Could they fire me off the show because the gig isn't funny...
...When I lose, I am really losing my own money, although, to be sure, it's money that Disney gives me as a wage...
...There's enough ambition, frustration, self-obsession, and rage locked in this one tiny space to power the Space Shuttle...
...Respect for our fellow man and woman: that is vital...
...Right behind the theater...
...No such luck...
...It was really a thrill...
...The American Spectator February 1997 55 Wednesday I am interested in buying some things: a Cadillac, a new stereo...
...I wonder what they were serving at the Evita party...
...You owe me toys for Hanukkah," he said without looking up from The Hobbit...
...He started to cry again...
...It's not work," I said and then read the part...
...She even calls me from her cell phone while she's working out at Gold's Gym...
...Too dark...
...It was a cloudless, beautiful morning with no one on the sidewalks...
...He also talked about his attendance at Yale Drama School from '73 to '76, only a few years after I was at the law school there...
...I met Alex at the bar of Le Dome about fifteen years ago...
...I know your type...
...But the other half of the components are made in Hungary...
...Ben," she teased, "why do you love cashmere so much...
...Tim was just killing me...
...Is that correct...
...I want to know what you're planning to have for breakfast," she said...
...Then, all too fast, we began to play "Win Ben Stein's Money...
...That's not an excuse to overeat," she said angrily...
...This is the Pineapple Express at work...
...We all did kiss-kiss and they wished me well...
...I think I'll have two fried eggs, pancakes, and bacon...
...I invited my two beautiful Italian sister pals, Juliette and Daniella, and off we went...
...What college has produced the most...
...Saturday For those few hundred or maybe a thousand of us who are not at the Shrine Auditorium watching the44 asked Linda Blair if people ever ask her if she can spin her head all the way around...
...lionaires, whom she divided into "over ten million dollar guys" and "under ten million dollar guys...
...It's a big thing on the back lot, New York Street and Brooklyn Street, of Paramount...
...I forgot that I had reserved tickets...
...Life is good...
...I want to do it...
...Someone cut me off on Fountain Street...
...Hey, you're right," he said cheerily...
...It's the little blue and white Kemp football, and he 44 Somehow it's fitting that I should be defeated on a question having to do with two women I really don't care a lot for...
...The connections have oxidation and the wires look rusty...
...Did they think I did that stuff by myself...
...Some imbecile had crashed into the door of his $ioo,000 Mercedes convertible...
...I've made a bet with Mary Muff about how much weight she can help me to lose...
...E-mailing has become a big part of my daily life...
...This happens to him on occasion...
...Bill Maher made some jokes, and then Kim Basinger, Alex Pacheco, and another representative of PETA made some earnest remarks...
...That's me she's referring to," I said...
...Now his organization is huge, with a hundred employees and a budget in the millions...
...Why not try this...
...Is the play pro or con...
...Seinfeld" is doing a shot at a tennis court here...
...Rescuing animals is their job...
...Well, since it's my birthday...
...I had a good feeling...
...It took an hour and a half...
...Plus, later I saw it advertised from another store for a hundred bucks less...
...I asked, and turned it up to its absolute top deafening level...
...But I am in a trailer in a side street in North Hollywood...
...She used to be the mistress of a series of milBENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...The founder of PETA, Alex Pacheco, greeted us enthusiastically...
...So I said yes...
...Wednesday A big day for little moi...
...I took Phil DeMuth, scholar and screenwriter and pal, with me so he could see the lot and learn more about Hollywood...
...How'd you like the show...
...Then my buzzer did work and I started to catch up...
...My pal Barron and his pal Steve gave me a birthday dinner party at Morton's...
...Wow, did he look cute...
...Over to our table...
...What if that one starts to teeter...
...They had on what we in Hollywood call "buyers' faces...
...Think about the answer carefully...
...When I did find a space it was surrounded by trash...
...Tommy began to cry...
...I am probably the man who is the most committed to you in the whole world...
...I felt very lonely...
...In fact, it really is a hysterical part...
...I believe I am considered a fairly good conversationalist...
...Cool," said the boy...
...In the final round, though, I blanked on two political anathema questions: Who was the Democrat VP candidate in 1984 and who wrote "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings...
...He is a newcomer in Hollywood and probably the nicest guy in Southern California...
...Still, Al took it well —the textbook definition of a well-adjusted human being...
...It isn't whether you win or lose," I said, "but how the game is played...
...He is a fantastically great actor...
...A lot of folks will see me on it...
...Instead, we had some vegetarian appetizers and then we ran into John Stamos, my old pal from "Family Ties...
...Off to a commercial for Corona Beer...
...A licit thrill...
...Kramer and Elaine could not have been kinder...
...It was very well received by the audience...
...This is getting worrisome...
...I have to remind myself how lucky I am to be in on a pass...
...It's an honor to be on the show, a dream come true...
...Ofi 58 February 1997 The American Spectator...
...I finally got a decent parking spot and hurled myself into rehearsals, which lasted for hours...
...Julie and Danielle and I went over to the merry-go-round and got on for a few rides...
...I said, waiting a moment for her to wish me well...
...But I did have on not only a cashmere jacket but a cashmere sweater, so I was fine...
...What state has produced the most presidents...
...She has immense silicone breasts and dark eyes whose pupils I can never make out...
...I hate feeling ripped off...
...But what holds up the tent when it gets covered with water...
...My bosses, Al and Andrew, keep telling me that it does not matter if I win or lose but only if I am a genial host...
...Bill Maher came by and greeted me by name...
...But such is the human animal that all day long I felt really bad about the whole mess...
...Together, we read the almanac to learn about the presidents to prepare for the further showings of "Win Ben Stein's Money...
...The casting director motioned for me to wait outside...
...Meanwhile Ben Stein sits in his tiny cubicle on the dressing trailer, shivering in his tennis outfit, waiting to do his tiny part...
...I suppose you're going to hang up on me now," she said...
...Who was that...
...Because of the rain, we have had to cover up the thing with a huge tent...
...Now, my boy, do you understand just exactly why this is so upsetting...
...While the thing warmed up, so to speak, I got a telephone call from my latest nemesis, Mary Muff Maguire, a close cousin to my former nutritionist, Mary "Buffy" Buffington...
...I care about you," she said, "though you drive me crazy with your passive-aggressive contempt for nutrition science...
...It must be incredibly hard to be an actor who takes it seriously...
...Nancy called and said the part had been drastically changed and they wanted someone younger, Gen X, sarcastic, irritable...
...I want to play video games...
...But when I read my scenes with George, no one except loyal Glenn Pad-nick, one of the owners of the show, laughed...
...What president remained a bachelor throughout his term...
...I think the movie was too controversial, dealing with the devil and religion, to get a nomination," Linda Blair said...
...Maybe I'm wrong...
...I tried to explain to him how rude and selfish he was being...
...Another crane...
...I am sort of amazed that such a low key plot twist is going on at all here in Hollywood...
...Well, would you please call them and tell them that Ben Stein is here to read...
...They're hot, hot, hot...
...This could mean trouble...
...I knew every answer but he kept getting in there faster and winning my money...
...He wanted instead to go play his Nintendo 64...
...A very sour and pimply woman receptionist insisted that there was no Flubber casting going on...
...I loved it when I read it in the script...
...That's a happy birthday...
...This morning, I could hear the people pumping iron and shouting manfully to one another in the background...
...If she helps me lose fifty pounds and keep it off for four years, she gets $50,000...
...Still, I did my best to be funny...
...I figure if I make as sweet a bet with her as I've made, she can put up with some abuse...
...I pretend to do it and then I tell them they missed it...
...No video game will ever pay your bills or dress you or feed you or hold your hand or cheer you up when you feel as if the whole world is against you...
...In the car, Julie stroked the sleeve of my cashmere jacket...
...That night, I got a call from the production assistant telling me that there would be no rehearsals tomorrow...
...A huge crane...
...Back to the set on a big bus of very funny crew members for the show...
...You show me no respect at all...
...It always scares me...
...I found myself sitting next to Linda Blair and her friend Cece, a beautiful blonde...
...Then I did my part with Kramer and Elaine...
...Rainstorms moving in like clockwork from Hawaii, spreading their icky wind and water all over L.A.44 We had our 'table read.' I sat there with all the big powers: Kramer, George, Elaine, Seinfeld himself...
...There will be new and better video games every few months...
...The scenes are funny to me, but they do seem awfully subtle for a mass audience...
...All of this, once again, is in the development stage only...
...Tuesday ittle Perfect awakened with a nasty L nosebleed...
...To make sure he remembered her, I guess...
...He reminded me of the books I had given him...
...I asked Linda Blair if people ever ask her if she can really spin her head all the way around the way she did in The Exorcist...
...The special effects guy didn't even get nominated for an Oscar for special effects...
...I amuse you...
...But I'm competitive...
...He was still awake...
...Then, what if that crane is not big enough or strong enough...
...He blithely bounced his basketball while he told me he thought spending time with me would be "boring!' "Just a minute," I said, "I am your father...
...Out of the blue, I got a call from my lovely agent, Nancy...
...Maybe video games really are his best friends...
...He made conversation with the grownups and generally acted like a little gentleman...
...Then, mercifully, I was released...
...This very day, I, your humble servant, am going to a small theater in Hollywood to do a live "presentation" of "Win Ben Stein's Money...
...I passed by Stage 15, where I had done my little turn in Ferris Bueller, but a stage without anyone on it is a desolate, sad place, so I hurried on my way...
...The charm of the game is that yours truly plays not only the host but also a contestant...
...In the back seat, Ginger whimpered...
...I live with her," she said, nudging Linda Blair's arm...
...The big Croatian girl was wildly bouncing around the room, strutting, showing off, showing herself...
...I asked...
...No, and then he went to Warner and died...
...After the scene Kramer said, as he pointed to the man who was an expert on embalming, "That guy is a big star among kids because he played a part in Ferris Bueller's Day Off...
...I love you...
...This went on for a while with the cute big tall Croatian telling me about her ambitions as an actress...
...He's also talking about his success as an investor...
...This is going to be a protracted struggle...
...No," he said...
...I had a gig to do on "Duckman," and I thought I would bring Tommy with me...
...Maybe empathy is just too much for Tommy at this age...
...This cheered him up so much that he began tossing his football around the parking lot...
...That's never happened to me before...
...It is a very subtle scene as well, about nuances in large organizations...
...I won't be alive forever," I said...
...Will this be hard to assemble...
...I guess I'll keep my Acura a while longer...
...I asked him...
...Blood was gushing out of both nostrils...
...But I'm thinking of moving here so I can go to more auditions...
...But I hauled my clothes and my almanac and discman back to my car and drove along the quiet streets on the way back to Tommy...
...I'm going to throw away your Nintendo now and all of your other video games...
...I am about to 56 February 1997 • The American Spectator do something truly interesting this afternoon...
...I had work to do, so I thanked her for her concern...
...Then I took Little Perfect to school and my perfect day came to an end...
...The table read is in an hour and a half," he said...
...He plays The American Spectator • February 1997 57 Dashiell Hammett or some other Commie...
...I had forgotten it was black tie...
...Be back here at stage nine...
...But as Mary Muff endlessly tells me, she's not doing this for the money...
...Monday R ain, rain, go away...
...He has kept me company as a friendly gesture and also because he likes to see the studio lot...
...premiere of Evita, there is the fundraiser for People for Ethical Treatment of Animals...
Vol. 30 • February 1997 • No. 2
