The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Sadsack Hillary; Jacko heats up; I am a camera 0 I 2 0 8 Early November witnessed the final mewlings of the tedious 1996 presidential race, certainly the most mindless...
...Castro...
...We shall follow up...
...Britain may soon duly lay claim to being the most environmentally cleansed country of all...
...Cree Mackenzie, managing director of the fish firm...
...Such departing White House staffers as Mr...
...Even as Mr...
...So why this meeting with Mr...
...Our staffer took immediate action, shielding Reid and snapping pictures of the paparazzi...
...He promised to end "that kind of systematic abuse...
...Campaigning earnestly to balance the budget, end welfare as a federal entitlement, and extend the death penalty, New Republican Bill Clinton received 49 percent of the vote, 8 percent more than Mr...
...There First Lady Mrs...
...The BBC claims that at a live broadcast performance Mr...
...George Stephanopoulos could, with no change in costumes, take part in a local production of the Broadway musical Hair or perhaps Oh, Calcutta...
...At first it was taking six months to be paid," declared Mr...
...Just lie...
...Long a towering figure in the liberal pantheon, Mr...
...The family values movement got a shot in the arm on November 4 when Mr...
...A few days later they released still more pictures of a grinning Mr...
...A generation after urging the Western democracies to pull their armies from colonial Africa, liberal opinion altered again and urged that these very same countries return their troops to Africa, specifically to Zaire...
...Prolonged contact with celebrities had made the sullen snap shooters think of themselves as celebs too...
...Susan McDougal was transferred from Faulkner County Jail in Arkansas to a federal prison camp near Fort Worth, Texas...
...In fact so rapid has been the Russian president's recovery that it might only be a matter of weeks before he is photographed riding his unicycle and heaving bowling pins in the air...
...Richard Jewell, once thought to be the Atlanta pipe bomber but now apparently in the eyes of the Clintons a national treasure...
...The Boy President was actually more egregious...
...Lie steadfastly, and with a whiff of piety...
...Hiss discovered half a century ago the defense strategy that, both in the courtroom and in public debate, has proved to be invincible...
...Kremlin photographers released pictures of a ruddy-faced Mr...
...Yeltsin grinning from his hospital bed with only a few empty bottles on the bed stand...
...In London the BBC's veteran timpanist, Mr...
...49 Percent wins another pillow fight Alger, this one's for you...
...Nor were our nation's young his only targets...
...Michael Jackson, entertainer and ambivalist, exchanged vows with his plastic surgeon's nurse, Miss Debbie Rowe, whom he insists he has impregnated through acts of intense passion and voluptuous carnality...
...Hiss was being eulogized by such credulous liberal institutions as the New York Times one of his disciples, Mr...
...Marla Maples Trump...
...Bob Dole, another Republican though one whose Republicanism was mellower, less earnest...
...Whereupon the Clintons fled to Australia...
...On November zo, the Clintons gained easier access to one of their top legal advisers when former associate attorney general Webster L. Hubbell was transferred from the Federal Correctional Institution in Western Maryland to a halfway house in Southeast Washington...
...She even discussed henceforth appearing in public with a "paper bag" over her head—an inspired thought...
...According to USA Today, on November 8 the Boy President told political supporters in Arkansas that he would "devote a lot of time going after detractors who pursued him on Whitewater and other ethical questions" for they had "hurt a lot of people in our state...
...In Minsk, Belarus Defense Minister Lt...
...This is my dream come true...
...Frank Middleton, who in 1984 raped and suffocated two women, was put to death by injection in Columbia, South Carolina...
...The Crisis thickens...
...Jones suffers from the foot fetish, now known as Dick Morris disease...
...Fidel Castro on November 19, just days after a small smoked salmon company in the Outer Hebrides dropped the pontiff for unpaid bills...
...At a weird press conference he snivelingly compared himself to Mr...
...In fact they became very indignant as our staffer continued to shoot pictures...
...Yet this time the GOP won...
...8 January 1997 • The American Spectator are causing sex changes in fish trapped in Britain's sewers and otherwise not happy...
...President Clinton also vowed to perform urine tests on teenagers seeking driver's licenses, and there was something about school children in uniform, and perhaps a United Nations peacekeeping force for the public schools of the District of Columbia...
...They protested that they were shivering there in the night to snap Princess Di...
...Leonid Maltsev was sacked after appearing at a Minsk Medical Institute ceremony incoherent and exuding alcoholic fumes...
...He was doing time for pilfering the shoes and lingerie of a former employer, Mrs...
...Finally it got to the point when we had to say that the pope could not have the salmon...
...At one point he also knocked one of his drums off the platform, improving the dreary modern composition markedly but offending the orchestra's "purists...
...O. J. Simpson, was flummoxing the courts in California...
...In New York City, Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Carol Berkman released Mr...
...Cynical journalists accosting him in Sydney, Australia, where the Glad Tidings were announced, questioned whether the blessed event was owing to artificial insemination or to some other unseemly contrivance, prompting Mr...
...Reminded of the ethically besmudged contributions he had received from the exotic Orient, he characterized his critics as "anti-Asian...
...I am a camera 0 I 2 0 8 Early November witnessed the final mewlings of the tedious 1996 presidential race, certainly the most mindless contest since Governor Jimmy Carter's pillow fight with President Gerald R. Ford...
...Lomax fell silent and completely incommunicado during whole passages of Sir Peter Maxwell's flute concerto...
...Hillary Milhous Clinton whined about the objurgations she elicits from her fellow citizens...
...Alger Hiss passed away...
...Despite hostile witnesses and common sense...
...Russia's President Boris Yeltsin continued a truly amazing recovery from bypass surgery and fifty years of dipsomania...
...Finally, at the end of November American Spectator writer Stuart Reid, accompanied by a TAS staffer, was leaving London's elegant Wilton's restaurant when a mob of paparazzi accosted him...
...Its Environmental Agency has called on the country's sewage companies to remove natural female hormones from sewage effluent because the hormones Mr...
...On November 22, Mr...
...Jackson to release the —let us face the facts—juvenile statement, "I am thrilled that I will soon be a father...
...The pope met with Mr...
...Even as Boris Yeltsin continued his recovery at breakneck speed, other drunks were facing embarrassment...
...Within hours of the election Cabinet members began resigning, as did so many young members of the White House staff that political analysts anticipate career changes from politics to theater...
...Republicans also retained control of both houses of Congress, dumbfounding the American press, most of whose scriveners predicted Republican demise...
...Gennifer Flowers, beware...
...Raymond Lomax, was unable to persuade the Squeesyweesy Industrial Tribunal to overturn his firing by the BBC last spring on the grounds of "gross insobriety...
...Despite all evidence to the contrary...
...Yeltsin leaving the hospital in a jogging suit...
...RET...
...Miss Anita F. Hill, the Felix Frankfurter of our time, has announced that she is resigning from the University of Oklahoma law school...
...Chuck Jones from jail...
...More legal appeals were denied former Arkansas Governor Jim Guy Tucker as he edged closer to the Big House, and the noisome Mrs...
...After a last meal of Coca-Cola (classic, sugar, caffeine, and all), corn on the cob, fried chicken, and french fries (on occasions like this one cannot have too many fried foods), the needle was slipped in...
Vol. 30 • January 1997 • No. 1
