The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS DNC Jiang; Narita's radishes; nailing a record; minky October began with the Boy President hiding behind the ample skirts of Attorney General Janet Reno, and ended with him...
...It is also, of course, likely that the prescient lady envisaged the day when she might be asked to air videos from the Peyronie's Disease Foundation, narrated by an ex-president attempting to raise the nation's consciousness...
...An owner of the ranch, Mrs...
...Texas continues to lead the way in social improvement...
...Ultimately that music was too much...
...RET I don' to be t want free The American Spectator • December 1997 9...
...With a total fingernail length of i6o inches—her longest nail measured 35 inches—Mrs...
...Possibly she will become the Betty Friedan of the Twenty-First Century...
...minky October began with the Boy President hiding behind the ample skirts of Attorney General Janet Reno, and ended with him high in confabulations with the Democratic Party's most important financial supporter, Mr...
...Adanandus allowed himself the caffeine of a last glass of iced tea...
...Our apologies to the Hunt family...
...The latter declaration doubtless will be cited by hopeful teachers seeking to refute claims that Americans are deficient in math skills...
...In sports the Florida Marlins won the World Series in seven games, and on October io Dallas's Lauretta Adams gave up her 24-year quest of the world record for fingernail growing...
...Adams had been unable to accomplish the most common acts of personal hygiene...
...A presidential limousine with a disabled sign on its license plate would be another Clinton first...
...Wasn't I ahead of that egg...
...Jones wins her case the president might at least qualify for access to accommodations for the physically disabled...
...The director, Mrs...
...Jiang Zemin...
...On a more pleasant note, Mr...
...Dwight Adanandus, 41...
...Working through Mr...
...And would the Times have written so fondly if this singular fool had been on Adolf Hitler's side when the 1939 pact was signed by the two despotisms...
...No arrests were made, though health authorities were on hand with their rubber gloves...
...Finally the Boy President convened a summit with China's President Jiang Zemin...
...He killed Mr...
...After shooting a police dog through the left nostril, Mrs...
...Besides, the world record holder is a man from India, and "he has me beat by seventy-six inches...
...Nothing could be done about the daughter...
...There goes my Florida retirement 8 December 1997 - The American Spectator Americans of all races, colors, creeds, and sexual orientations observed Columbus Day with relative equanimity, though there was tumult in Pittsburgh, where unknown vandals splotched paint on a statue of the Italian explorer, painting it with the words "murderer" and "505 years of resistance...
...Nonetheless, during his stay in Washington Mr...
...Albert E. Blumberg died at the age of 91...
...John Huang, Mr...
...Patricia Burke, claimed that she feared the video was inappropriate for family viewing...
...Those 3,000 mink that escaped from a Watertown, South Dakota mink ranch were probably freed by animal rights activists...
...Ever since last spring, when a rocket experiment in the heart of the island's chicken-growing region caused 500 chickens to stampede, killing many and leaving many more horribly disfigured, Japan's National Space Development Agency has bowed to poultry lovers' request that no further experiments be undertaken without the chickens' permission—ha, ha, a little levity there...
...At the outset the bovine Miss Reno was staring down Congress, insisting that the President was as clean as a hound's tooth...
...Next Ms...
...Paula Corbin Jones has testified that his genitalia's "distinguishing characteristic" is a forty-five degree bend to the—poetic justice, this —left...
...Nose blowing was out of the question, scratching had become very inexact...
...In Tampa, Florida, animal rights advocates failed to prevent authorities from demolishing a 76year-old woman's house, which served as a residence for more 9 than 1,000 rats...
...Jiang's Bank of China provided more ready cash to the Democratic effort than any other source save organized labor...
...Kathy Turbak, predicted that as many as a thousand would perish in the wild...
...For five weeks, the heavily armed lunatic resisted both a barrage of pepper sprays into her filthy domicile and the dreadful din of Barry Manilow being incessantly broadcast through bull horns...
...As October expired Japan's $250 million space project on the remote island of Hokkaido remained suspended in feathery controversy...
...His sexual harassment suit took a cruel turn when it was revealed that Mrs...
...Al Hunt among the deceased...
...All in all, it was another Clintonian month of serial scandals and goofball oratory...
...Johnny Chung, and Mr...
...Area motorists profited handsomely from the road kill...
...Reno promised to open the preliminaries for yet another Independent Counsel...
...The summit revealed just how intimate the global economy has become...
...Allen stepped out on her porch and fell to a blast of rubber bullets...
...Always a fitful sleeper, Mr...
...In San Francisco a small group of unhealthy middle-aged addicts turned out to observe the 3oth anniversary of the "Summer of Love...
...Vernon Hanan during a 1988 bank robbery...
...Then it was revealed that the White House had videotaped the hound sinking his teeth into Democratic fat cats at scores of White House fundraisers, which the president has assured us he does not remember...
...Finally, it has come to our attention that this column was in error some years back when we listed Mr...
...The former Wall Street Journal Washington bureau chief has been spotted by one of our readers on a Washington television talk show where he apparently does a very amusing impersonation of President Clinton...
...The condition is known as Peyronie's Disease, and if Mrs...
...At her press conference the disappointed athlete explained that "for about the last year they'd [her fingernails] been hurting me...
...Referred to by the New York Times's obituary as "an idealistic philosophy professor who fought for economic and social reforms as an oft-harassed Communist Party official in the 194o's and 50's" (considerably after the Hitler-Stalin Pact, let us add), he became "with somewhat more success" a "Democratic Party district leader in Manhattan...
...Jiang did not ask to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom or fly on Air Force One...
...Whether he returned to China with a White House towel or matchbooks is a matter for conjecture—the Chinese are heavy smokers...
...In fact, Mrs...
...On October 2.2 it executed by lethal injection convicted murderer Mr...
...In Walnut Creek, California, the executive director of county-owned television station CCTV refused to broadcast a county-supplied breast cancer video because it showed naked breasts...
...During the 1996 presidential election Mr...
...Since Pearl Harbor the Japanese have changed a lot In Roby, Illinois, police efforts to dislodge 51-year-old Mrs...
...Adams had not even been able to eat with her hands for several years...
...Adanandus's last meal included a cheeseburger and french fries...
...The woman, living in the house with her 54-year- ci old unmarried daughter, fancied herself the Mother Teresa of I Tampa's rats, (Rattus amicus), but neighbors complained of 6,4 "a terrible smell," and the rats had to go...
...Shirley Allen from her home ended victoriously on the last day of the month...
...Actually the experiments are to be suspended until the chickens' well-being can be ensured...
...Charlie Trie, the Chop Suey connection supplied more funds to the Democrats than Hollywood, organized crime, or rural America's Indian casinos...
...How could it hurt...
...The government has weighed the possibility of fitting the chickens with tiny ear plugs or of broadcasting soothing music into the chicken coops during rocket blasts, but a powerful alliance has developed between Hokkaido chicken farmers and Tokyo's famed green farmers of Narita, who for three decades have blocked expansion of Narita International Airport out of deference to their radishes and cabbages...
Vol. 30 • December 1997 • No. 12
