Culture Vultures: Flush With Shame

...Maybe it's the sleek one-way design...

...The journalists will hold the forums and forge the principles under the auspices of the Project for Excellence in Journalism...

...But to the advertising industry such concerns are irrelevant: God, like Fred Astaire dancing with his Dirt Devil, is just another conscript to the ranks of celebrity endorsers...

...It is advertisers—not their products —that have given us "heroin chic...

...It's hard to discern any redeeming humor or charm in the collaboration between "Michelangelo, Painter" and "Scott Seifert, Photographer": it's about selling a toilet...

...Brown Happy Meal with a haggis milk shake...

...We go to Burger King to have it their wayThe American Spectator October 1 997 49 because, on the road in distant states, it offers the reassurance of stale, predictable homogeneity...

...on the other hand, Scott simply had to take a photograph of a toilet...

...Back then, ads took ten minutes because they were still written in a recognizable form of the English language...

...The big-shot journalists and the people at Pew are very well met...

...It will be paid for by the Pew Charitable Trusts, and should not be confused with the Journalism Credibility Project, which will be run by the American Society of Newspaper Editors...

...It is, naturally, a work of art in its own right, entitled "Heavenly Power" and credited to "Michelangelo, Painter...

...you don't need ads before the movie, because the movie itself is an ad...

...Er, sorry, I mean: this is the age of the train...

...Maybe it's the 2" trap-way...

...portapotty than have one in the house...

...Thus, the big record conglomerates imitate the grainy, raw graphics of small independent labels, most of which aren't independent anyway: Maverick Records is co-owned by Time Warner...

...passengers hooted with derision, and even the staff found it a hard act to keep up, as lugubrious conductors would announce over the intercom, "This is the train that takes ages...

...50 October 1997 ?The American Spectator...

...you're with a sprocket manufacturer from the East Midlands skirting some scrubland round the back of the freight yards, wondering why the buffet car on a long-distance express can't make change from a fivepound note and how come they ran out of All-Day Brunch Muffins i mnutes out of London...

...It tells us that British Rail's agency is witty and stylish and inventive, but what does it tell us about trains...

...Besides, now, everything is a commercial...

...Presumably, should Bob Dole be foolish enough to paint his front door yellow, ABC would sue him for breach of its copyright...

...The advertisement hasn't done anything so crass as simply to lift a work of art...

...If you're one of those folks who used to wonder where the yellow went/When you brushed your teeth with Pepsodent, now you have the answer: ABC, the yellow network...

...This is, apparently, "THE BOLD LOOK OF KOHLER...

...04 P RESSWATCH by John Corry No More Big Shots I am journalist, hear me roar...

...account, is a subtle art...

...Big-shot journalists want to be seen as serious—looking serious is part of their job description—and Pew, which reportedly is spending $4.8 million on the excellence project, will be happy to oblige them...

...And so, across England's radio dials and TV screens, Jim made his pitch: The money is diabolical The hours are ungodly...

...Blow Bros...

...The credibility project appears to be a more modest affair...

...What's a big charitable foundation for if not to inspire a set of principles and a period of national reflection...

...even has a better 800 number than KOHLER: instead of 1-80o-4-KOHLER, call 1-800-4A-POTTY...

...a mysterious Roman Catholic priest, in shades and with attach?case, who stars in another car commercial, for which particular vehicle I can never recall...

...When the new deities of our secular media culture warn against "religious extremists," it's worth considering the alternative they're offering: a world where no one at a major company, its advertising agency, or a soidisant sophisticated literary publication sees anything odd—or trivializing, or tacky, or degrading—in Michelangelo's God flushing a toilet...

...Three years on, the dear old C. of E.'s descent down the KOHLER San Raphael' 2" trapway of history has only accelerated...

...Well, I suppose they're hying to tell us trains are cool...

...Except, when you get on one, you're not in the company of droll Gallic adulterers or super-hip Monsignors roaring through flaming infernos...

...Just," "do," and "it" have been around, between them, for several thousand years, and scholars believe that there's evidence to suggest they've even been used in that order before...

...After his troubles with Nike, Bob Dole took no chances with that one: for his artfully posed leisurewear shoot, he somehow managed to find the last unlogoed T-shirt in America...

...approach in favor of high-style, high-concept, urbane artistry, the more it debases everything it touches...

...And instead of the overpowering beauty of the original and the awe it inspires in devout and non-believing alike, all we can do is see it as a grim metaphor for the state of our adman's culture: Instead of God reaching out to give life to mankind, He is now reaching out to flush us down His celestial can...

...And so are our schoolrooms where children study science and math and even nutrition with the aid of helpful kits from Campbell's Soup and Hershey Chocolate and Tootsie Rolls...

...The duly appointed agency came up with the Anglican answer to Joe Camel and Ronald McDonald—a matey vicar called Jim...

...Adam is missing from the New Yorker's page 67...

...This is the traditional pitfall of advertising: we are all suspicious , of the snake-oil salesman L because we are suspicious of the snake-oil...

...If you're wondering "Why Jim...

...48 October 1997 • The American Spectator Hawthorne Court...

...there's nothing wrong with Calvin Klein underwear, only the pedophile homoerotic fantasies of his billboards...

...The credibility project, as Mark Jurkowitz, the Boston Globe ombudsman, wrote, will attempt to "find out why people don't love and trust newspapers anymore...

...From a strict theological perspective, I doubt whether He would have any use for a KOHLER toilet, even with a 2" trapway...

...Scott Seifert, Photographer" —an involuntary collaboration, at least on the former's part...

...and bearing the company's long-time slogan, "We're #1 in the #2 Business...

...And even our bodies are commercials, as we strut the streets in our Planet Hollywood caps and Hard Rock Cafe bomber jackets and Ben & Jerry T-shirts...

...It is, we're assured, "an environmentally friendly toilet that MARK STEYN is theater critic of the New Criterion and movie critic of the Spectator of London...

...Not the whole ceiling, of course, but only its most sublime aspect—the revelation of God, surrounded by His angels, extending His right hand to Adam: "The Creation of Man...

...So our movies are commercials...

...What persuaded her, it seems, were all the newspaper readers who said it was real...

...God's finger, instead of reaching out to man, is now poised to press the flush button...

...Did it work...

...Still, Scott would appear to have done full justice to "The KOHLER San RaphaelTM toilet...

...So ABC will now have yellow promotions...

...It seems no network has ever used yellow backgrounds in on-air promotions...

...On the ABC Radio news bulletin that noted this occasion, there was much chortling from the announcer over the length of the commercial: ten minutes...

...Howard Kurtz reported in the Washington Post that they "plan to forge a set of journalistic principles JOHN CORRY is The American Spectator's senior correspondent...

...CULTURE VULTURES by Mark Steyn Flush With Shame On page 67 of the September 1 issue of the New Yorker, you can see a reproduction of one of the most glorious of human achievements: Michelangelo's fresco for the ceiling of the Sistine chapel...

...But, since advertising took on a life of its own, a curious thing has happened: it's the advertising that's the ?problem, not the product...

...well, it's an acronym: JIM stands for "Jesus in me...

...Instead of lifting our eyes to God, the church chose a demented downward mobility whose blokey pop demotic was almost pitifully unconvincing...

...but in the spirit of collegiality they will all pitch in to stop it...

...They fear it is becoming filled with "opinion, infotainment and sensation...

...Today, it's mostly thirty seconds of slickly-edited aggressive posturing followed by a slogan that appears to have no discernible connection with the product...

...We go to Burger King because we're too pathetic and craven to have it our way, never mind having it the way of some whimsical, mercurial chef...

...The Church of England clergy: it's a hell of a job...

...The week before the New Yorker appeared, I took some overseas visitors to the state fair in Plymouth, New Hampshire...

...One reason why Hollywood studios would rather make $150 million megaflops than profitable low-budget pictures is that, say, The English Patient—which, having cost a mere $34 million, apparently qualifies as an art-house movie ?doesn't shift any merchandising: nobody wants a Ralph Fiennes animated action figure, so amazingly lifelike it just lies there covered in 90 percent burns...

...if you want to start a real indie label, you should call it bland Corporate Subsidiary Records...

...Almost every product now sells itself the same way: by succumbing to its dreary stultifying corporate multinational conformity you're somehow expressing yourself as an individual, freewheeling, independent, full of attitude, living on the edge...

...Michelangelo would appear to have drawn the short straw on this assignment: for his half of the picture, he had to fiddle around with difficult tints of paint, suspended up in the air, working at awkward angles...

...It's a miracle anybody does it...

...But, in a world where everything's a commercial, reality need no longer intrude...

...Some two dozen of the big-shot kind have signed a statement calling for "a period of national reflection" because they are "concerned about the direction" of their profession...

...It self-evidently wasn't...

...The editors suspect it has something to do with credibility?hence the title of their project—although apparently they came to the suspicion only lately...

...But, if all advertising were organic, you wouldn't need ad men—guys who sit around all day trying to figure out what's the best way to pitch toilets to the New Yorker readership...

...No wonder these fellows can't see why you need all of ten minutes to explain the merits of an apartment complex...

...The consultants sat around for a while, chewed the fat—or, rather, chewed the curly endive—and, anxious to get their hands on that seven-figure check, came up with an ingenious answer: yellow...

...True imageis organic...

...I n August, America marked the 75th anniversary of the first commercial —an ad on WEAF New York for a Jackson Heights apartment complex called God truly is dead when advertisers begin to exploit Him...

...On the other hand, that ABC wiseacre works for a network that recently paid a West Coast consulting firm several million dollars to devise a new strategy for its fall schedule TV promotions...

...Needless to say none of the journalists who signed the statement were responsible for any of that—who could even think such a thing about David Halberstam, Carl Bernstein, or the New York Times's Bob Herbert...

...In 1994, for the first time ever, the Church of England, its attendance in steep decline, sought professional help...

...And, if God feels hard done by KOHLER's agency, it's probably little consolation to know that His own ministers' judgment is even worse...

...In his place, suspended in the heavens, is a pristine white toilet...

...No corporate overview design consultancy boys could come up with that: in fact, most of them would charge Coke several million dollars just to tell 'em, "Well, for starters, we'll change the logo and get rid of that stupid bottle...

...But either way, I can't help feeling God's interest in the KOHLER San Raphaeltm toilet would be fairly limited...

...sacrifices nothing when it comes to power and performance...

...And, so one must suppose, there's nothing wrong with a KOHLER San Raphael" toilet—though, as a personal protest, I'd rather cross the road to the Blow Bros...

...Youdon't need to break for ads on ABC's news programs, because the news itself is running "stories" on the latest Disney blockbuster...

...As it happens, I'm not averse to toilet marketing...

...When Bob Dole decided to admonish America's drug-addled youth with the inelegant formulation "Just don't do it," Nike muttered darkly about getting its legal department to stop him: "Just don't do it," you see, was awfully similar to its slogan, "Just do it...

...nobody wants to go to McDonald's and order a Mrs...

...It's the ultimate post-modern-commercial: a commercial about commercials starring the stars of commercials more famous for their stars than their products...

...I'm a Sistine man, not a cistern man...

...Today, the shorthand of commercials—their compression of every subject into an attitude and a slogan—has become the vernacular of the age...

...and a blazing field, the emblem of a famous ad for, er, some other car...

...Maybe...

...Back in the seventies, the crumbling state-owned British Rail adopted the slogan:"This is the age of the train...

...While we were at the fair, the septic truck arrived to pump 'em out...

...there's nothing objectionable about Benetton clothes, only its fatuous ads of dying Aids victims and traffic accidents...

...For one thing, it will cost only $i million or so, and it will be dealing with something real: the future ofAmerican Ten suggestions on how to save journalism from itself...

...Presumably the period of national reflection will follow...

...It is unlikely their collaboration will produce anything new or useful, but it will offer some fine opportunities for looking deeply concerned and very serious...

...it arises effortlessly from the product, as the funny-shaped Coca-Cola bottle with the squiggly writing did...

...They were very impressed by the chemical toilets, supplied by Blow Bros...

...So Britain's newly privatized rail network cooked up a new commercial featuring famous characters from other commercials: "Nicole" and "Papa," two French sophisticates who star in the Clio car commercials...

...The more it departs fromthe "Blast yourself free with Ease-O-Lax...

...Nonetheless, there are those at Nike who seem genuinely to believe that they now exercise some sort of copyright on three of the most common words in the English language —just because they've used them in a commercial...

...It also had an excellent slogan: "In This Game, a Flush Beats a Full Houser Advertising, unless you have the Blow Bros...

...That, surely, is a more persuasive claim for a toilet's efficacy than vague assertions that "KOHLER has the touch...

...I have finally been persuaded," said thepresident of the editors' society, Sandra Mims Rowe of the (Portland) Oregonian, "that the issue of bias is probably real...

...N of so long ago, the public had an instinctive nose for the phony...

...Yes, that's right: yellow...

...Contemporary advertising offers a paradox: the higher it aims, the lower it sinks...

...As toilet shots go, it seems perfectly fine—though I regret to say I'm not an expert in the field of toilet art...

...Then they will issue a report...

...Say now that both projects are probably harmless...

...at forums around the country...

...I have no particular quarrel with Burger King, but I dislike its "Have It Your Way" campaign...