The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS Bill finally enlists! But beware the suicide potato What a month May proved to be for the political genius in the White House! Just a month after the death of Secretary of...
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...Along with proof from the Russian archives that Mr...
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...Some crisis...
...An exceptionally witty issue of Science magazine has published an article by David Archibald of San Diego State University revealing that mammals date twenty million years further back into the past than his colleagues had hitherto thought...
...And we can do it part time and still retain our present positions...
...Yeltsin is doing a lot of public sneering...
...No one laughed, and unlike during Mr...
...He visited the bereaved family and sobbed...
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...Soon after his 48-year-old wife spoke of her yearning to have another child...
...It is the kind of development American peace activists ought to keep an eye on—easy on those French fries, eh, fellows...
...Clinton becomes the first president in history to claim both the dispensations of a World War II soldier and those of a 1960's Vietnam draft dodger...
...When told by an exceptionally imbecilic student that the last great American to speak at the Oxford Union was former president Richard Nixon, the Butcher of Hollywood Boulevard expressed resentment at being put "in the same bracket as Nixon...
...Thus Mr...
...Simpson, whom the astounding Rev...
...CBSI Plaza, Ste...
...Gennady Zyuganov, the candidate of the newly perfumed Communist party, and the charismatic and often agreeably drunk President Boris Yeltsin...
...to Nixon Moreover, this time the network cameras did not catch him joshing and larfing with his cronies between charnel gigs, a gaffe that marred his performance during the Brown requiems...
...8 July 1996 • The American Spectator According to the Swiss military historian Mr...
...And he went on to whine that "I've never had my hand on one [a bomb...
...Jesse Jackson Which o big fat ne's the idiot...
...Animal-rights activists were rudely rebuffed by Hawaii's Governor Ben Cayetano after they attempted to enlist his support in banning a local alligator-wrestling match...
...RET Worried she might be a "cousin" too 41 We're in the Perfect Business...
...Shoulders shaking and lips quivering, he appeared before network paraphernalia to call for the lowering of flags...
...We started this business together and now have more time for our family...
...Yeltsin is pulling out all the stops...
...Gandhi's gibberish about the salutary consequences of bird food and enemas...
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...Speaking in Stamford, Connecticut, at the end of the month, President Clinton reminded his audience of the 500-year-old mummy that the National Geographic Society has put on display in Washington and demonstrated marked tendencies towards necrophilia...
...As the Cold War fades into history more shocking details stand exposed...
...The rather ornate Australopithecus bahrelghazali is to be applied to this unusual species, which combines the features of apes with those of more recently evolved forms, creating a creature amazingly similar in appearance to Mr...
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...Clinton, too, sniffled a bit, though she was again somewhat menacing, much as a bullwhip hung on the wall of one's powder room is somewhat menacing...
...Clinton is insulated from prosecution by the Soldiers' and Sailors' Relief Act of 1940...
...In Russia the presidential race seemed to be tightening between Mr...
...Finally, the First Soldier and the First Bawler may have added another First to his repertoire...
...Then the forty-second president lumbered over to the National Cathedral to pump out his most spectacular spate of tears yet...
...Timothy McVeigh's credentials as a he-man conservative were badly tattered when it was reported that the alleged bomber of the Oklahoma City federal building has sought the services of a prison psychiatrist...
...Though he has yet to appear in public in a swimsuit, or to discuss his underwear on teen television a la President Clinton, he is adopting Mr...
...His ratings remained platy, and so confident did the Bawler become that late in the month he and his clever lawyer, Mr...
...Jurg Stussi-Lauterburg, beginning in 1969 his countrymen began planning their bomb and acquiring the necessary fissionable material...
...T H E CONTINUING CRISIS Bill finally enlists...
...At any rate, Mr...
...In an attempt to improve his dismal ratings against the First Bawler, Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole ended his thirty-five-year congressional career to campaign as "just a Kansan, just an American...
...According to another report in New Scientist, a hitherto unknown German scientist, Professor Wolfgang Rhode of Cologne's Max Plant Breeding Institute, has developed a "suicide potato...
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...The First Soldier did get some competition in the chutzpah sweepstakes when Mr...
...There is no other way to vent," the wimp explained...
...Governor Cayetano snickered that the protesters should worry more about "people than animals...
...That's a good-looking mummy," the First Libido enthused...
...He bawled about how very much the admiral meant to the whole Clinton family...
...Surprisingly they envisaged the threat facing them as coming from Germany rather than from Russia or—as Democratic presidential candidates Senator George McGovern and student protester Bill Clinton thought—the United States...
...Simpson spoke at England's Oxford University...
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...Nixon's appearance no moral paragons were demonstrating nearby...
...He is the first politician in modern Don't compare him times to radiate charisma while acting the crybaby...
...According to a report read to the 1996 Bird Strike Committee of Europe meeting in London, "bird strikes" against airplanes increased 2.4 percent last year, suggesting a gratifying rise in bird consciousness worldwide and maybe even another militant wing for the animal-rights movement...
...The Ford Motor Company, however, may not get off so easily...
...Clinton's tactic of crying in public, though with proper adjustments for the flinty Russian sensibility...
...James Carville...
...Well, maybe not Governor KnowIt-All...
...The company that helped us get started is called Computer Business Services, or CBSI...
...The company had apparently issued identical keys to the oldsters and to the owner of the car they drove off in...
...Clinton's public bawling was more successful...
...Robert S. Bennett, sought to delay Mrs...
...We perform various services for our community with a computer...
...An early species of man recently discovered in Chad has been given a name by the French Academy of Science...
...Alger Hiss had indeed spied for Soviet intelligence and incidentally been rather ungallant in so inveterately duping his liberal apologists, now comes a report in the magazine New Scientist that at the height of the Cold War tiny Switzerland contemplated developing its own nuclear device...
...Appearing on the Larry King show in vaguely military garb, she insinuated that the deceased was actually a victim of the same press cabal that knocked off Vince Foster—what's this about "conspiracy theorists on the right," Hillary...
...Paula Corbin Jones's sexual harassment (read: indecent exposure) suit by claiming that as commander-in-chief of the armed forces Mr...
...CBSI helped guide us each step of the way from the very start...
...0 0 0 0 has recommended as an expert on marital strife, presented himself to the assembled students as a Gandhi-like defender of the rights of the fuliginous, though he spared his audience the late Mr...
...The professor believes they can now be traced back eighty-five million years to Asia, where they were "rat-sized," perhaps not surprisingly...
...No charges will be filed against that elderly English couple that had to be chased down by a police helicopter after they inadvertently drove off in the wrong car...
...Swiss apprehensions over Germany may not have been far-fetched...
...Just a month after the death of Secretary of Commerce Ron Brown, President Bill Clinton scored another political coup when chief of naval operations Admiral Jeremy Boorda committed suicide, thus enabling our youthful president to kick off another brilliant string of funereal appearances...
...I used to watch others do it," which does bring to mind the lawyerly lies of another American famed for his prissy caveat, "but I never inhaled...
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Vol. 29 • July 1996 • No. 7
