Ben Stein's Diary: Spring Fevers
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Spring Fevers Monday Spring has come to Los Angeles. An Eastern spring. John Gregory Dunne once told me he thought L.A. has the worst weather in the...
...I had time to talk for a long time with a friend from Journey Into Self-Obsession and then to a Spectator reader who teaches at UCLA before I paid my bill and walked the few feet to the playground...
...The Saint was working late, as usual, so I made him a steak again on the grill as I again smelled the night-blooming jasmine that come up about dusk...
...Tommy," I shouted...
...Then Jack Rapke, a truly great agent, and his wife, sat down with my longtime pal, Michael Nathanson, and his wife...
...And the top brass in New York hear about it and fly her out to New York, and next thing you know, she's got a million dollars...
...Where is that...
...This is a damned cute car...
...The cartoon is "The Mask...
...I picked Tommy up after school...
...Be careful," I said...
...It took her two hours to tell me...
...Not a soul...
...No one...
...Awfully cute, but then that's his job...
...I just bought a pair a week or maybe less...
...Plus, he's got so much self-confidence...
...Quick, somebody harass me...
...The most capable voice talent in America...
...Because of her settlement with H.," she said, and here she mentioned a successful TV production and distribution company...
...54 July 1996 • The American Spectator "Before your bedtime," I said...
...What fun...
...To speak up for progressive causes...
...I like women...
...The networks want at leastone rape and murder in every MOW nowadays...
...I call it Diary of a Minister's Wife...
...Then I'll kill myself...
...K. asked...
...What if the vows you took meant something...
...Slaaaam...
...Not just fraud, but a violation of statutory law...
...No, really," I said...
...So they all go crazy and there's a big scene, and the guy supposedly slugs her and knocks a hole in the wall...
...ancient Dodges from Ontario, their Saabs— all heading for appointments at casting studios...
...Then he got into movie distribution, and then into movie making...
...Box 655, Mt...
...If you prefer that your name not be rented please check here...
...My companion then looked at me earnestly and said he wanted to tell me about his relationship with Heidi Fleiss...
...This is not work...
...she asked...
...Why...
...Are you ever going to come in and pitch me some MOW stories...
...Then Tony Thomopoulos and his wife, Christine Ferrare, and a muscular guy named Jake, who has a company called Body by Jake...
...In Beverly Hills the women are decked out in short shorts and white shirts, looking as if they had been stamped out of perfect maiden machines...
...Off I went in the night, the air reeking of apple blossoms or peach blossoms or some kind of blossoms...
...No one can possibly be this happy...
...Of course, I never had as many shoes as Imelda...
...The airbag did not pop out...
...Like a slow motion movie, I slid right into the back of the truck, brakes and tires screaming...
...Yes," I agreed...
...It's plastic and would only hurt a little bit, not so that a father would notice...
...Like a bubble...
...He was dining with Ron Perelman, who, as usual, looked maddeningly thin and fit...
...The woman looked at me blankly...
...Not about art...
...Well, I have an idea about a minister's wife," I said...
...The only exception I can think of is my father, an almost completely innocent human being...
...Starting with mother and father and grandparents, and going through every college play and every high-school play and every minute working her way up on Broadway, including every article about her...
...Ethics in action and not just in theory or in public-service ads—an idea whose time has come for the plaintiffs' lawyers too, some of whom are also not perfect...
...Well, truth to tell, I think the Republicans are probably better on issues like helping the poor, women, peace, and minorities than your side...
...Stalin was furious because the allies had not launched the real second front, which means Russia had to do almost all of the fighting against the Nazis...
...The night-blooming jasmine are in bloom as well...
...Morris, IL 61054-8084 1-800-524-3469 ATTACH ADDRESS LABEL HERE IMPORTANT: Allow six weeks for address change...
...This for a car that was fully driveable after the accident, regardless of the front-end damage...
...Sex harassment...
...The valet brought my car and I went off to put my boy to bed...
...Be near the other kids...
...O Renew my subscription for one year (twelve issues—$35) O Payment enclosed CI Bill me later O At various times TAS rents its subscriber list to other organizations...
...It's depressing being a victim all of the time...
...The same character I played in the movie...
...Hardly any impact...
...Then, as I slowly pulled away, he ran behind the car, keeping his face close to the back...
...Down Outpost, past the ornate 1930's spiked, tiara-style street lights—notice how all of the charm has gone out of public works?—and onto Sunset...
...Of course, I was petrified the whole time that an outof-control driver would come around the corner and hit him, God forbid...
...Just laughing and screaming and funny voices...
...Anyway, Hitler insisted that the boundaries of the new Russia be at the Dnieper River, which is a big river in Russia or maybe in Ukraine...
...The box of the truck is high above the ground...
...The bills from the doctors themselves are astronomical...
...I went into this in my own little way: if management realized that every stockholder had kids who depended on them for a college education, and that every move management made determined whether those kids got a decent schooling and upbringing—and if management kept that in their hearts—they would rarely get sued...
...Morton's was jammed...
...The confused notion that somehow Republicans are more "American" than Democrats, which is flattering but completely untrue...
...I barely knew her...
...Oh, and then there are the nice folks who constantly fail to repair my garage-door opener and charge me for every visit as if they were doing cerebral cortex replacement...
...I finished and paid my bill...
...Anyway, I loved that piece in New York, too...
...I feel as if Bernard Baruch is asking for advice from a shoeshine boy, but since you asked...
...Finally, after two-and-a-half hours, they were in the can...
...Do I know you...
...This is what I always wanted in life even though I didn't know it...
...I think the results are a helluva lot better...
...Live it up while you're young, I say...
...I'll bet," I said...
...I really think that self-confidence is the number one variable on earth in terms of success...
...But when complimented, he does not gloat, but compliments the other guy, even the lowly scribe like me...
...E. (as I will call the woman) was having an affair for years with the head of H., or one of the top guys...
...No fears of aging...
...Are you just learning that...
...No worries about wrecked cars...
...Daddy," Tommy said, "will you scratch my back...
...The car stopped with its hood crumpled up just a foot in front of the windshield...
...Tuesday 0 ff in my newly rented Ford Taurus replacement to the cartoon studio...
...2. Attach the mailing label from your most recent issue...
...When...
...Why not...
...Up ahead of me, but not far enough ahead, a huge truck loomed just in front of a high-end women's clothing store...
...I can see how it works...
...America's the best place that's ever been...
...Good, good," I said...
...It's heading right for my windshield...
...Tommy thought about this and then said, "Why...
...K. and I sat down at my usual table near the door so I can see any cute girls that might stray in thinking they were at Chin-Chin...
...But be where I can see you, because it's getting really dark...
...Luckily, a beautiful woman who knew K. came by and asked her to be on a celebritiesand-their-dogs show...
...I am flattered that you asked," I said...
...That's something I could never understand about you," she said with a concerned look on her face...
...I mean, this guy has so much more strength than I do that it's almost unbelievable...
...But what's this...
...I asked...
...Then, off to Thrifty to buy Tommy some yarn...
...We did our scenes and our takes, and laughed and screamed...
...My boy loves me so much that he ran after me when I was in my car...
...The spring is so intense today that it's as if the people were in bloom...
...As I turned to walk to the phone, I heard the happiest sound I've ever heard...
...But I stayed there, sober, and soldiered on...
...Tommy had to go to practice for some school play, and the Saint had to work late, so I am off to Morton's again for dinner...
...It's a fun group this morning...
...They were very hot and heavy about it...
...As I drove along, I thought, No one else in the history of mankind has ever been as happy or as blessed as I am at this moment...
...The American Spectator July r 99 6 55 "I'm not sure, my boy," I said...
...I'm like Imelda," she laughed...
...How can any people be so thin and so fit...
...The night, the languid night was all there was as I glided by Sunset Plaza, near my condo...
...He came in and ate as directed...
...I read that article about you in New York...
...BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Spring Fevers Monday S pring has come to Los Angeles...
...How very, very long...
...I rarely see cases (at least in the securities field) where the defendant has acted toward the stockholders as he would want to be treated...
...No Tommy...
...I tell my story at my pace...
...Then she has a revelation that she took an oath to stay with her husband for better or for worse and that oath was before God, and maybe it means something...
...My boy wants to eat with me...
...Twenty years...
...Finally, we got to the event, the fame, and I asked, "What did you think about one week making very little and the next week knowing you were going to make $4 million that year...
...She's a single mother with a good job, but by no means a great job, with a smaller studio...
...When you study mechanics and physics, you tell me...
...That's the mark of an incredibly successful, smart guy...
...The story took a very long time, and mostly involved his total innocence of any wrongdoing whatsoever...
...Saturday Oh, this has been a really, really emotional night...
...Jackie Collins came in and gave me a big hello...
...What if they meant something...
...He needs it for a project at school, one of his millions of projects...
...The sheer joy of working outside an office, the bliss of making a good livelihood at last, the nights with movie stars on sets, the sound of waves on Malibu Beach Road, the cruelty of lying producers, the despair of lost deals, the madness of a groundless lawsuit against me by an angry "comedienne," the friends who have decided I am not famous enough to be their friend, the other friends who are always there...
...After "work" I went to lunch with my pal Phil DeMuth, a very funny guy, and a woman whom I will call only D. We talked for a while about scripts and deals, and then I mentioned a woman who recently bought a house in Hancock Park...
...What the heck...
...Next thing you know, she's got a million dollars...
...Beyond belief...
...It is the best way to spend a working hour that there could be...
...I like it," she said...
...I'm not a saint," he said...
...I'm sure...
...said Phil DeMuth, and I guess that's the story of that...
...The money allowed me to be political...
...And then this comes along with a fistful of letters from the Screen Actors' Guild insurance plan saying that they will not pay my medical bills for reasons I surely cannot figure out...
...og 58 July 1996 • The American Spectator...
...And the king, the undisputed czar of voiceover, Rob Paulsen...
...Bud Cort from Harold and Maude...
...has the worst weather in the world...
...When I got there, he tried to break my back, tried to twist my fingers, tried to knock me down by leaping on me from hiding...
...Is there any propeller plane that can break the sound barrier...
...Then, miracle...
...Thomas Perfect Stein...
...Naturally, Tommy wanted to play with the many other kids on the playground...
...When the smog blots out the sun, he comes back to me...
...That's all there is to it...
...Great, huh?' 1 dog in the back seat was not even awakened...
...I wondered how she could afford such a palace...
...The money doesn't mean that much," she said...
...Off we went The restaurant was packed with men and women out on dates, drinking like madmen, yelling and screaming and laughing that crazed laugh that drunken women laugh...
...You're married...
...He was making a Mother's Day card that revolved and, as it did, said, "I Love You, Mommy...
...Tommy put his sneakers on and followed me outside and stood at the back of my car...
...Jon Dolgen looked at me and asked, "So, I've been meaning to ask you this for a long time...
...Then the babysitter arrived, and I prepared to go to dinner with my new best friend, the famous sitcom star, K., who apparently likes to go out with me and swap stories about acting...
...I like this...
...She got over a million dollars," said D. "For what...
...Good," he said, giving me a toothy smile...
...Then I put him to bed and told him about the Kursk Salient and about a fantastic fact that David Eisenhower, one of the smartest men on earth, told me a few days ago...
...Then I'll kill myself...
...I would like to assure you they were two of the longest hours I have ever spent in my whole life...
...If the management of public companies had to meet their stockholders when they played golf or when they went shopping or at their kids' PTA meetings, there would be a lot less misconduct and a lot less litigation...
...The guy had come from middle-class origins in Israel to own a major chemical and fertilizer company...
...Didn't the words you said haunt you...
...The paranoid assumption that Ameria is hopelessly racist, utterly contradicted by fact...
...He dropped his saxophone lessons—the day after we paid for the sax, of course...
...They were both married...
...For lunch I went to a club of wealthy businessmen to give a speech about ethics in litigation...
...He smiled at me...
...This place is about money...
...Wednesday Get this...
...Just us boys at a fine Italian restaurant on a Saturday night...
...I think of my story as about a woman married to a minister who's unfaithful and she's going to leave him...
...I played with him for a while, mostly by watching him play street hockey...
...No answer...
...So in June of 1943, Molotov, who was the foreign minister of Russia, and Ribbentrop, who was the foreign minister of Germany, met in the town of Kirovgrad to talk about peace...
...How could you be a Republican...
...Then, instantaneously, she pulled herself together and spoke more carefully...
...I introduced her to K. "Are you a lawyer...
...Subscriber Service P.O...
...Eleven thousand...
...Neuman...
...I'm an actor myself...
...Now this is the Hollywood mind at its most pristine...
...Don't take it hard," I said...
...Go ahead," I said, "but come in and eat in a few minutes...
...I didn't fall for it that time...
...Tommy, come out if you're here...
...What do you think of vertical44 If management realized that every stockholder had kids who depended on them for a college education, they would rarely get sued...
...I'll just walk over to the phone and call the police...
...And Hitler was running out of men and equipment...
...TAS Address Changes Made Easy...
...Just stopped ahead...
...The rest of the evening was fairly quiet...
...Again, I play the strange Dr...
...K. looked offended...
...I just got a call from my insurance agent...
...Tommy asked...
...Yes," Perelman said...
...But Stalin insisted that they be at the pre-war boundaries much farther west...
...Across the room, Marvin Davis hove into view at his table...
...Diners rushed out of Le Dome to watch, then went back in...
...The night was perfect, liquid, languid...
...Then this is on top of a bill for repair of sprinklers that is more than they cost...
...Then out onto Sunset into the sun...
...I don't know," I answered...
...That's what I wanted to talk to you about at lunch and I forgot...
...Two thousand for the insurance appraiser, nine thousand for the body shop...
...And even then it's not certain that it's a good idea...
...Fine...
...That it's the exact opposite of work...
...Daddy, I'm up here in a tree, being Garfield the cat...
...I am at work on a novel, a murder set in Hollywood...
...No, I got married in Italy and I didn't have any idea what the priest was even saying...
...For that little note of grace, she seemed extremely happy...
...integration in the entertainment indus- try...
...You're on my mind a lot...
...How great, I thought...
...In a rush of excitement, she gasped, "It felt great...
...Thursday Another dinner with the lovely K. I asked her to tell me how she got to be the star of a famous sitcom...
...Hmm," Dolgen said...
...He was holding an immense unlit cigar in his hand...
...Exactly," said D. "Here's the story...
...So the talks fell apart...
...he demanded...
...Then he said, "Can I play some more while you pay the bill...
...So they arranged for a meeting to see if they could have a separate peace...
...1. Please write your new address in the space provided...
...Great, huh...
...He's one of the most accomplished industrialists of our era...
...But I think about you because it's amazing that one person has accomplished so much," I said...
...That it has nothing to do with work at all...
...Now, Tradinoi is really, really slow when it comes to getting your bill and then processing it...
...You sure there's no rape in it...
...After the speech, I went to pick upTommy...
...Next to us was Jonathan Dolgen, the head of Paramount...
...That seemed to console her...
...No brake lights...
...No point in getting upset, I thought I'll just walk over to the phone and call the police...
...Now he's a major-league star in Hollywood...
...Because I have never really The American Spectator • July r 9 9 6 57 MOVING...
...Beyond reason...
...At the battery counter, a beautiful young woman in a bikini top and shorts greeted me as if she knew me...
...The jacarandas are in their purple bloom...
...Can you find me...
...It was just so off the wall...
...In any event, I do very, very little of it right now, so that's all academic...
...This time it's with P., a very high executive at a successful production company...
...That never fails to amaze me...
...We left our worries on the doorstep and frolicked and rollicked through the morning...
...Doesn't this ring any kind of bell with you...
...In the parking lot, I ran into D., the woman who had told me about the sex-harassment case earlier in the day...
...That's not exactly what I had in mind," I said...
...It looks like a little space ship from "The Jetsons...
...17 cared for buying things, except for shoes...
...Fine, my boy," I said...
...I just love your work...
...My audience, mostly older businessmen who think that all plaintiffs' lawyers are demons, were polite, but I wonder how many of them "got it...
...It's that simple...
...You've accomplished a lot yourself," he said...
...Daddy," Tommy interrupted...
...I'm going to be decapitated like Jayne Mansfield...
...And now, tonight, in my haze of joy after putting my son to sleep, it all seems like a dream...
...Now it so happens that the restaurant is right next to a beach shopping center with—in the middle—a lovely playground with swings and slides...
...Is there anywhere else on earth where you see so many beautiful women in bloom just driving next to you, or on the streets waiting to order their Chinese Chicken salad at Chin-Chin on Sunset Plaza...
...The point I made was an extremely simple one: the businessmen get sued so often largely because they misbehave so often...
...For Jews, Episcopalians, Catholics, Moslems, everyone here," I said...
...No," she said...
...No intersection...
...This is play...
...At least that's what I think...
...But it ended fine, with his getting bored, jumping on his trampoline for a long time, especially jumping so that he lands on me and I have to catch him in my arms...
...I doubt that," he said good-naturedly...
...I totally believe him...
...I guess about 35o miles per hour, maybe a little more...
...Thank you," I said...
...I wonder if we could just get to the day they offered you the job," I suggested...
...Is there a rape or a murder in it...
...Because we talk a lot about Revlon v. MacAndrews and Forbes, the case where you were allowed to buy Revlon even though Bergerac didn't want you to...
...How did that feel...
...When I was driving my car one day and heard on the radio that I was supposed to have been involved with Heidi, paying her out of studio money, I just about went off the road...
...When I do, he says, "Let me go, you big Daddy...
...Then he stood at the corner and watched as I sped off onto Mulholland Drive...
...Today, I awoke early to give the world three radio commercials for Tetley Tea...
...A pause, or as performers say, a beat...
...I hope these are signs of affection...
...But today I am not eating at home...
...The guy at H. says he changed his mind and didn't tell his wife...
...I hope someone likes it...
...The bill for repairing my car is going to be about eleven thousand dollars...
...she asked K. By this time, K. was pretty upset...
...I liked to use my visibility to speak up for the poor, for women, for minorities, for peace...
...Because they just cannot produce enough power relative to their weight...
...Packed...
...The bank has the bright illegal idea of charging me interest on the amounts I charged—before I even get the bill and have a chance to pay it off in full, as I do every month of my life...
...Hmmm...
...But how did you start as a Republican in the first place...
...But then it was in Russia...
...The networks want at least one rape and murder in every Movie of the Week nowadays.' picked up my shirts from the cleaner...
...I think it's in what's now Ukraine," I said...
...It's heading right for my head...
...When I stand out by the grill making my son's steak and my salmon, I'm reminded of the sweet smell of star jasmine from my days and nights in Santa Cruz...
...The next morning, the woman comes in and says how she broke it to her husband and he cried and was upset...
...At least in terms of material success...
...my companion asked...
...Further, my own belief is that if you investigate almost anyone thoroughly, you can find enough to indict him...
...See, Hitler and Stalin were both worried...
...The delusion that the posture of the artiste must always be to complain about America and never to see what's great about this country, even if this country has left the artiste a multi-millionaire...
...said Dolgen...
...Daddy," he said, "will you be home to put me to bed...
...The case that gave shareholders a lot of rights that were basically put back in the bottle by Paramount v. Time...
...The interesting part, or one of the interesting parts, was that neither man had even noticed my dinner guest, K., even though she had been the star of a fabulous sitcom for ten years...
...Tommy thought about this, grabbed my little finger and tried to twist it, and I continued...
...How long I have been here, I thought...
...Perelman smiled cheerfully and patted me on the back...
...I like it...
...Probably some for me if I wanted a taste...
...I don't think so, my boy," I said...
...But I never stole money to pay Heidi Fleiss...
...I took her to her hotel, gave her a chaste peck on the cheek, and zoomed home to see my real love, Mr...
...They hang from the latticework and the planters of my wife's house in the Hollywood Hills...
...Perfect...
...Whole streets in Beverly Hills and Hollywood are carpeted in jacaranda petals, with the sun filtering through the purple blossoms still on the trees, above the purple haze on the parked Mercedes convertibles and Porsches...
...This news came in just at the time I 44 'Is there a rape or a murder in it...
...Tim Burton from a million different movies, always great...
...Yes...
...I have not done 56 July 199 6 • The American Spectator any since, well, since this morning...
...The44 'So there's a big scene, and the guy slugs her and knocks a hole in the wall...
...How can I get across that it's not work...
...No blood...
...Beautiful but wacky Dottie came in looking as if she had eaten every mushroom in Santa Cruz County, and lurched by our table...
...I rushed down the hall and out to my car...
...I love shoes...
...Plus, I had a deal with his company, NewWorld, for a while," said an obviously dismayed K., in reference to Perelman...
...Do you remember the words you said...
...Just be sure to allow six weeks for your change to take effect...
...But for all I know, that's my last part ever...
...Suddenly, it was all gone, just ancient history...
...3. Return this form to us at the address listed below...
...It's really a story about faith...
...Writing, writing, writing...
...No kids were there...
...I really don't know...
...I slammed on my super Acura anti-lock brakes...
...It carries me back to my hippie days as I stand there waiting for someone to give me an apron that says "Kiss the Cook...
...He takes classes in cooking, science, art, sign language, and gymnastics after school...
...We went to his favorite place, 7-Eleven, so he could buy his usual healthy after-school snacks— Slurpee, hot dog, Spew, chocolate eggs, Snickers...
...So they had a serious talk, and then they decided to tell each other's spouses and then get divorced...
...So she stays with him and makes it work out...
...HORROR...
...Then, fate...
...I always am," I said...
...I think it's a bad idea, unless the mergers offer giant economies of scale, which is unheard of, or unless at the consumer level there's so much price-fixing power that the benefit spreads through the whole company...
...I was just talking about you to my students," I told him...
...It's definitely not a good idea at a premium price for the acquired vertical steps...
...When I came to the end of the block he ran to the window of the car, breathless and panting...
...That was an important case...
...I don't understand how so many people can be so much more energetic than I am," I said...
...I mean, what has this country ever done for the Jews that would make you a Republican...
...I've always been very political...
...My boy, the angel of the universe, was running after my car in the darkening day, smiling a huge smile, his blue eyes lit up with excitement...
...The girls who have come to Los Angeles to seek their fortunes are on the streets in their Volkswagen convertibles, their Beemers, their BENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...Stiff as boards despite my requesting no starch...
...Then there is my latest bill from a bank in Spokane for my credit card...
...No answer...
...t "Yes," Perelman said, "what do you think...
...She went on...
...He roared back and forth on his rollerblades, a veritable demon of activity and energy, trying desperately to hit me in the head with his hockey puck...
...They were far too long, so we had to cut them and try various reads over and over again...
...Daddy, how fast can a P-38 fly with full armaments...
...I was downstairs at our little honky chateau in Malibu, typing away, when my son came down and asked if I would take him to mid-Malibu, to a fine Italian restaurant called Tradinoi...
...This is one of the few times in my whole life I have ever wanted to be drunk...
...Name: (Please Print) Address: City: State: Zip: Date of change: L VCAFRM —144 No point in getting upset, I thought...
...But this spring has been Nirvana...
...He wanted to tell me about his boss, an amazing man...
Vol. 29 • July 1996 • No. 7
