The Nation's Pulse: Dark Women Rule
Chapman, Stephen
"The Nation's Pulse: Dark Women Rule" by Stephen Chapman Dark Women Rule General Mills has unveiled its new Betty Crocker: the wan Nordic-looking one has been replaced with a dark-haired, black-eyed, olive-skinned...
...But by and large, our aesthetic norms are stuck firmly in the bleached-out fifties...
...For the rest of us, the options are limited to Madeline Stowe, Whitney Houston, and Pocahontas...
...Visit the TAS home page at: http://www.spectatonorg Send letters to the editor, subscription queries, and other essential correspondence to: amspec@ix.netcom.com The American Spectator • July 199 6 51...
...We see ourselves and our country...
...Like graduating from Budweiser to Glenfiddich, it takes some effort...
...The rare newcomer who seems to be the answer to our prayers is soon hitting the peroxide bottle hard...
...If you want to learn to appreciate woman in her highest, natural form, you have to cultivate a taste for the dusky variety...
...Admiring them usually requires a suspension of disbelief that some of us cannotquite manage...
...Until her recent makeover, Betty Crocker has always looked like the treasurer of the local chapter of the Swedish American Benevolent Association...
...But some of us are not Humbert Humbert, and do not pass our nocturnal hours in dreams of unspoiled children, or even44 Have you ever heard any woman described as a 'natural brunette...
...So what's wrong with blondes...
...San Diego Union columnist Peter Rowe, for example, wrote that with the new Betty Crocker, "we see more than someone hawking devil's food...
...Oh, I'll grant that if I were marooned on a Pacific atoll with no companion but Uma Thurman, I wouldn't throw myself to the sharks...
...But almost all the female screen sirens could have been picked out from direct What's with America's fixation on blondes...
...Hollywood is the worst offender...
...Sandra Bullock was a brunette in Speed and a reformed brunette in Two if by Sea...
...Amhe erican Spector The American Spectator is now available online...
...We're looking for fully developed women who have put aside their stuffed animals, Tootsie Roll Pops, and Nancy Drew mysteries...
...Marisa Tomei looked convincingly Sicilian in My Cousin Vinny and unmistakably Cuban in The Perez Family, but she too has been spotted with curls the color of a New York taxi...
...American popular culture steadfastly refuses to cater to that taste—my taste—preferring to celebrate Aryan standards of beauty...
...Or maybe it was dark brown...
...The new Betty could easily be of Asian, Hispanic, Arab, Indian, or biracial ancestry...
...Ordinarily, when a deep-hued new prospect emerges, the platinum Mafia soon has her back waiting tables on Ventura Avenue...
...Buchananites complain that our immigration laws are bringing about an unwelSTEPHEN CHAPMAN is a syndicated columnist on the staff of the Chicago Tribune...
...Demi Moore has shown that a chestnut-haired lass can become a sex goddess, but only if she is willing to risk chronic pneumonia from spending all her time buck naked...
...Even these, sad to say, are not guaranteed to last...
...50 July 1996 • The American Spectator descendants of the Hitler Youth...
...Blondes may be fresh, sweet, and wholesome, but those qualities can cloy after a while...
...They flashed across the sky, then vanished into a black hole...
...Marlee Matlin has intermittently lightened her locks since her debut in Children of a Lesser God, presumably on the assumption that, in Hollywood, being deaf is inconvenient but being dark is fatal...
...Then, one day, I got onto an elevator, to be greeted by the sight of a lovely woman with lustrous black hair, bottomless brown eyes, and a complexion the color of café au Tait...
...come ethnic transformation, as milky-toned Euro-Americans are overrun by swarthy Third World escapees...
...So, probably, are Hostess Twinkies...
...Auto shows...
...A natural blonde, by contrast, is an extreme rarity, on the order of an albino rhinoceros...
...It has been theorized that they appeal to something deeply rooted in the male psyche by suggesting youth and innocence...
...But you must be patient...
...Who but us diehard iconoclasts can remember Elizabeth Pena...
...There's also been, predictably, widespread indifference...
...This is not a Scandinavian country, but when you hear the expression "all-American girl," the image that comes to mind is straight out of "The Brady Bunch...
...The reaction among Americans to this new multicultural icon has included praise for General Mills' inclusive symbolism...
...The biggest shortcoming, though, is that most blondes aren't—blonde, that is...
...Brunettes are better if what you want is mysterious, smoldering, and —let's be honest here — a little bit wicked...
...Of course not: There's no other kind...
...See, the classic tawny California surfer girl may be as sacred a national symbol as Old Glory, but I don't share the reverence...
...Doubtless there has also been grumbling in certain precincts at the company's sudden conversion to political correctness...
...Reader, I married her...
...Blond hunks...
...In many places in the old days, finding a black-eyed lovely was about as easy as buying a bottle of whiskey on Sunday in the Bible Belt...
...But am I the only one who felt a twinge of lust...
...Youth and innocence are fine traits to look for if you're doing the hiring at Disney World...
...Flip through the moming network news programs and you see Joan Lunden, Paula Zahn, and Katie Couric —a 2-to-i blonde margin that's actually an improvement over the bleak unanimity of the Jane Pauley era...
...Even Barbie, once a purebred Valkyrie, now comes in a rainbow of shades...
...Annabella Sciorra...
...She looks about as African-American as Joe Torre...
...Of course not: There's no other kind...
...I searched in vain for years for a sex symbol to fit my unconventional tastes and had just about given up the quest...
...Suits me just fine...
...If you are prepared to settle for technologically engineered beauty— breast implants, nose jobs, facelifts, liposuction, fake eyelashes and tinted contact lenses —then, by all means, blondes are for you...
...Have you ever heard any woman described as "a natural brunette...
...11 tarty teenagers...
...The film studios are perfectly capable of elevating to stardom males who are tall, dark,and handsome, even if they're not tall or handsome —Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Richard Gere, Sylvester Stallone, Denzel Washington, Ray Liotta, and on and on...
...It was no surprise to see that the first black woman to adorn the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Tyra Banks, has fair hair and green eyes...
...After you get past Robert Redford and Brad Pitt, the pickings are pretty slim...
...The arrested-development lugs who demand their goddesses flaxen-haired have a cornucopia to choose from— Sharon Stone, Michelle Pfeiffer, Daryl Hannah, Pamela Anderson Lee, Kim Basinger, Melanie Griffith, Meg Ryan, Ellen Barkin, Nicole Kidman, Elizabeth Shue, Mira Sorvino, Meryl Sheep, Elle MacPherson, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Alicia Silverstone, Drew Barrymore, the Arquette sisters, and 98 percent of the female romantic interests featured in the straight-to-video erotic thrillers offered at your local rental outlet...
...Today, blondes have plenty of competition out on the street...
...Commercials...
...THE NATION'S PULSE by Stephen Chapman Dark Women Rule General Mills has unveiled its new Betty Crocker: the wan Nordic-looking one has been replaced with a dark-haired, black-eyed, olive-skinned composite of seventy-five women who "embody the Spirit of Betty Crocker...
...But nature instilled in me a pronounced attraction to females of the sultry Mediterranean type and a relatively low threshold of boredom with those of the paler shades...
...Olivia Hussey...
...In one venue after another, blondes rule...
...The refinement of your tastes will put you at odds with the prevailing standards of the day and lessen your satisfaction with our mass entertainment media...
...Like Traci Lords...
...Rock videos...
Vol. 29 • July 1996 • No. 7
