Culture Vultures: All You Can't Eat
Steyn, Mark
"Culture Vultures: All You Can't Eat" by Mark Steyn All You Can't Eat The first Arch Deluxe I had was at a Montreal McDonald's, and I assumed the name, if not the burger, was strictly for francophone consumption....
...CNN and Timemagazine took him at face value and commissioned a poll: 54 percent of the people said Clinton, z6 percent said Dole, and 2o percent were undecided (or possibly not hungry...
...A culture that describes everything—even sex— in terms of food tends to give the impression that, left to its own devices, it'd much prefer to be eating—which, of course, many of us would...
...Perhaps he should adopt a slogan from the only other area in American life where the choice is so narrow: as the TWA cabin crew is wont to say when booking the male strip-o-gram for the Christmas party, "Do you want the chicken or the beef...
...Seeing that picture of Bob Dole, back in his necktie, wheeling his cart through the supermarket, I was reminded for one awful instant of that defining moment in the 1992 Bush campaign when the president wandered up to the check-out and appeared to have no idea what a barcode scanner was...
...the white-bread crowd, c'est nous...
...Bob Dole or Bill Clinton...
...114 The American Spectator • July 19 9 6 47...
...but he was the Caledonia County sheriff and it didn't seem a good idea...
...you can get it in any color as long as it's black...
...At the moment, he's the guy from the Henry Ford House of Pizza...
...We define our faith in the timeless virtues as "motherhood and apple pie...
...What was all that about...
...I once interviewed Pat Buchanan about the fat profits Mrs...
...As this thought occurred, I suddenly recoiled from myArch Deluxe, and not only because the Dijon mustard was dripping on my fly...
...46 July 1996 • The American Spectator candies now come in two varieties—regular and "California Fruits...
...In our heart of hearts, we know it'll arrive an hour late and be a small, thin-crust, cold and congealing, and half the pineapple and mozzarella will have fallen off a couple of miles back...
...Martha's come in for a lot of criticism of late because she's always talking about incredibly complicated recipes which are impossible to make...
...Even something as innocuous as Starburst Food feeds on our thoughts, our moods, and our politics—or is it the other way around...
...As I understand it, the Dole strategy rests on the fact that he's a doer, a solid citizen, and the other fellow's a draft-dodging wimp, and that, barring the entry of Ross Perot (the extra-rich fruitcake with the pie charts), they'll be the only two items on the menu come November...
...Recent precedents suggest that the electorate values above all a man at ease with food...
...But first let me present tonight's specials...
...In the fifties, Eisenhower advanced the "domino theory" — the notion that developing countries could fall one by one to Communism...
...Who do you trust to select the toppings...
...Holed up in some hotel a while back, I switched on the TV and caught John David Klein on the America's Talking Network hosting a show called "Pork," in which he sat behind a pork barrel, grilling politicians about pork, roasting the recipients of his "Porker" awards...
...But south of the border in St...
...Johnsbury, Vermont, they were running exactly the same campaign—with the same posters of disgusted kids shuddering at the yucky "adult"-ness of the Arch Deluxe and its grown-up ingredients: a "bakery roll," iceberg lettuce...
...Yes, but will anyone know what it means...
...In America, the melting pot always has room for another couple of ingredients...
...So pork can also mean sex—it's a sexual activity, a political activity, and, for all I know, every other kind of activity...
...I was about to explain when the waitress arrived: "Who ordered the chicken feed with applesauce...
...If it's intended to sound grown-up, though, it sort of misses...
...But at the time it sounds awfully good...
...It makes explicit what we have always sensed: this is a man who looks like the high-cholesterol American vernacular...
...my British producer asked afterwards in the restaurant...
...ou are what you eat, especially in America...
...In Quebec, they just stick up a stylish poster of two chic lovers under the slogan "FM" — i.e., J'aime, as if it's the sort of place Alain Delon takes Catherine Deneuve when he wants to put the moves on her...
...he is the metaphor made flesh, the ultimate big cheese...
...My daughter's doing a turducken," she replied...
...What were we doing...
...Perhaps Arch Deluxe is meant MARK STEYN is theater critic of the New Criterion and movie critic of the Spectator of London...
...Momentarily, I'll be taking your beverage options at this hour...
...In the rest of North America, their ads emphasize that you can now supersize your two-for-one Sausage and Egg McMuffin Happy Meal and get a Jean Claude Van Damme animated action doll (large buns, all beef, extra cheesy), all for 49 cents...
...I don't know whether the latter refers to the flavors or the target demographic, but either way, none of them tastes like anything actually grown on a tree or bush...
...We have zebra mussels on a bed of Eurasian mil foil for $49.99...
...Clinton had made trading cattle futures...
...The rest of his administration may be a lethal cocktail of pork, California fruits, and pie in the sky, but, by God, its front man can still do a convincing impersonation of a regular All-American cheeseburger...
...Well, it's a penetrating political insight," I said...
...the Train...
...Dole needs to compete on this terrain...
...A student in Crystal's creative writing class was handing in his essay: "Fifty Women I'd Like to Pork...
...Both of them quickly learned how fast the cookie crumbles, and since then he's never allowed her to repeat the mistake: he knows which side his bread's buttered...
...they no longer claim to be "finger-lickin' good," perhaps fearful that health-conscious Americans were beginning to figure out that the Exxon Valdez slick on their hands was seeping into their arteries...
...That's a boned chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey...
...He promises the American people an extra-large deep-dish with everything...
...I wanted to say, "Don't you mean Arches Deluxe...
...the next, what he calls "the arts and croissant crowd" starts moving in, and there goes the neighborhood...
...I felt pretty porked out by now, so I flipped over to the other channel, which was showing Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito in Throw Momma From44 A culture that describes everything—even sex— in terms of food tends to give the impression that, left to its own devices, it'd much prefer to be eating...
...One minute, you're regular folks...
...The pizza line works for Clinton...
...Lunching with Chancellor Kohl a few weeks back, he shoveled down six meat courses and still found room for dessert...
...This is the one area where Clinton's actions are consistent with his rhetoric: he eats his words...
...After all, as every fan of Pulp Fiction can tell you, in McDonald's in France, a quarter-pounder is called a Royale...
...It's no wonder over a third of the population is overweight, when 90 percent of American colloquialisms are high in polyunsaturates...
...At a grown-up restaurant, Arch Deluxe isn't the name of a dish, it's the preening service style: Hiiii, I'm Walter, your waiter...
...But the political implications of this are not encouraging...
...But in both cases we're reluctant to stick to grandma's tried and tested recipe...
...Kentucky Fried Chicken has become KFC, preferring to disassociate themselves from the negative connotations of the word "Fried...
...Is the lettuce just the tip of the iceberg...
...he wondered...
...Are we witnessing some seismic shift here...
...CULTURE VULTURES by Mark Steyn All You Can't Eat The first Arch Deluxe I had was at a Montreal McDonald's, and I assumed the name, if not the burger, was strictly for francophone consumption...
...They polled 1,011 adults, which means a sampling error of plus or minus 3.2 percent— that's to say, two slices of green pepper and an anchovy...
...Last year, Martha Stewart was a guest on my BBC Christmas show, and I asked her whether she'd be having turkey or goose on the big day...
...Bill Clinton has only put one foot wrong in this treacherous terrain—when his wife sneered that she wasn't the type who stays at home and bakes cookies...
...In response to Senator Dole's childcare challenge, he coolly raised the stakes: "Suppose," he said at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, "you go home tonight and decide to order a pizza...
...Take a word like "pork...
...We have to get this petrified pork out of the budget," the Democrats' Carolyn Maloney said...
...The First Lady says it's chicken feed," said Pat, "but that's a lot of applesauce...
...eventually, when the cure for AIDS is found, it'll be a short-stack of blueberry pancakes and a side-order of home fries...
...We're manly guys in pick-ups in Northern Vermont...
...next year, they'll tell us Pop-Tarts reduce the risk of cancer...
...Rush Limbaugh has warned that this is how it happens...
...Clinton has given us instead the Domino's theory —the president as the nation's pizza delivery boy...
...I make no comment on the scientific evidence, which is in a constant state of flux: last year, the networks' prissy, dogooding health correspondents reluctantly conceded that red wine can prevent heart disease...
...Just as "motherhood" has added all kinds of exotic variations— artificial insemination of lesbian couples by obliging gay male friends—so the classic apple pie is under continual threat from loucher types like cranberry-butterscotch-walnut-apple chiffon pie...
...Anyway, let's talk turkey...
...to sound like a Royale with cheese, a conscious pitch for the post-modern Quentin Tarantino crowd...
...Two Arch Deluxes," said the guy ahead of me...
...Everyone was eager to try it...
...Besides, McDonald's French-Canadian commercials have always projected a touch more Gallic sophistication than the anglo ads...
...But, in America, everyone sounds as if they're talking about incredibly complicated recipes which are impossible to make—and, unlike Martha, they're not even talking about food...
Vol. 29 • July 1996 • No. 7
