Ben Stein's Diary: Embarrassments
Stein, Benjamin J.
BEN STEIN'S DIARY by Benjamin J. Stein Embarrassments Monday Here we are in Oxford, Maryland, again. I have taken me old Ma and Pa out to the Eastern Shore to look at houses. This is my...
...When I was in college, we said a prayer in my fraternity, the Alpha Delta Phi, before each meal...
...C1 Renew my subscription for one year (twelve issues—$35) O Payment enclosed O Bill me later • At various times TAS rents its subscriber list to other organizations...
...He was a homeless man buying five cheeseburgers with pennies from a plastic bag...
...Occasionally act...
...I said these things to myself and believed them, and felt incomparably better...
...There was a mournful sounding message from my acting manager...
...Little Aristotle...
...The house is large but well proportioned, with perfect mullioned windows looking out on the lawn that slopes slowly to an inlet of the Tred Avon River called Safe Landing...
...God saved my Tommy—and I wound up the day on my knees with gratitude as usual...
...The American Spectator • June 1996 51 Wednesday The kind of day that makes me insane...
...We're watching a showing of the industry acclaimed movie, II Postino, which apparently translates as The Postman...
...She is the best thing about the Wall Street Journal...
...God is always there and His will is always working, no matter what you think...
...Just lost...
...I have this little bulge of fat here," he said...
...Yes, after all, I am a past master at bringing out the best in big stars...
...I know what that's going to be...
...You didn't get the part in the Schwarzenegger movie...
...When we got home, our babysitter called...
...In my Father's house are many mansions," and I want one...
...There was even the genuinely moving shot for a millisecond of Mr...
...17 • All real power comes from the starting point of accepting God's will...
...I admire his works, especially Schindler's List...
...I asked...
...Also, if I see the right house at the right price, I just might buy it...
...The story is about a mentally retarded mailman on a small Italian island...
...Two immense, snowy white swans glided along the inlet...
...I noted that a number of the men and women on the stage had been called brave or noble in some way...
...He is so smart...
...He turned to a book he was reading, maybe Calvin & Hobbes comics, and sat silently for a while...
...They looked at me cheerfully and kept on talking...
...We drove up to Ventura to buy a remote control car for Tommy...
...Neruda, who, if I recall, was a noted apologist for Joseph Stalin, is treated as an avuncular, kindly man who wants nothing for people but love...
...Then there was the part where they brought out Kirk Douglas...
...I am stoked...
...They agreed I had a shot...
...He won another Silver Star in 1965, when he was 42, for leading his ARVN advisees in a firefight while they were in a river fighting against North Vietnamese in sampans...
...If I really got what I deserve, I would be in a padded cell...
...So we had to spend Passover at a 24-hour veterinary emergency animal hospital...
...If he didn't talk, what could I do...
...That's not like you...
...Like waking up each morning and feeling suicidal, the way a lot of people here do...
...Driving home, we passed immense military cargo planes lined up on the runway at Point Mugu, and then a mighty split rock, and then, heading due south, we saw the moon laying down a blue-white track on the waves, just off the rocks and sand...
...44 'Getting rid of that fat is essential to being a happy man...
...I have been on many sets, and I can tell you these things are far more fascinating than all the dance numbers on the show put together...
...This is my obsession...
...I went off to get my boy and take him to the beach...
...I mean, when you get paid for your work, is that a present...
...It's embarrassing—like a billionaire complaining about having to wait at stop lights...
...Naturally, to make matters worse, I was in heavy, not moving traffic...
...I know the folks at the Wall Street Journal editorial page do not believe in allergies or sensitivity to chemicals...
...Cl All I could think of was some poor Stakhanovite working until his back broke, and then, with his final breath, shouting, 'Za Stalina!' 77 "I'm sorry, Daddy," he said, and all was well...
...You pay insurance...
...It makes far more sense than I realized at the time...
...You pay taxes...
...I got dressed and went off to watch my son in a school play about Passover...
...Plus, guts, guts, guts...
...Stuck in traffic, yes, but still able to do my Malibu Serenity exercises, I said them to myself: • If my rule today is just to throw in the towel and accept whatever God sends me, today will be fine...
...If I got this part, it would relieve a lengthy dry spell in acting...
...Those people are worse than Torquemada...
...Then they're not really presents, are they...
...The usual," I answered...
...It's a wonderful feeling," I said...
...The audience roared, as they should have, for his suffering and resolution...
...I played you in the movie, The Boost," he said cheerfully...
...As we rounded a turn, we could see the parti-colored lights of a beachfront roadhouse called Neptune's Net...
...Then I wrote on my little Dell—because work is also a blessing—and then I slept more...
...He's not inferior in his reasoning to any adult I know...
...While my head reeled, the casting woman called me in and told me to read...
...I felt queasy about the self-congratulations of the winners...
...I thought how other actors probably needed the money more than I did, but I still wanted it so very, very badly...
...They terrorize whole states, imprison innocent people, ruin lives, turn neighbor against neighbor, wreck children's lives—and never get called to account...
...Then the said huge man with his hair in an accursed pony tail started banging on his laptop so loud it sounded like a teletype...
...There was only one other customer...
...Count my blessings...
...Just be sure to allow six weeks for your change to take effect...
...R., but I dragged myself in...
...The one I really liked is called Safe Landing Farm...
...No matter what, it cannot be worse than what they're doing now...
...Remote control cars...
...I loathe that question, because it implies that I am not famous enough for the questioner to just plain know what I am doing these days...
...I asked—to return the favor...
...MOVING...
...More and more and more until I felt like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, unable to keep up with bailing out all of the boasts and credits...
...Obviously, I rarely buy one...
...Great," I said...
...Maybe I will get the part so I can make Arnold Schwarzenegger look better...
...They thought about it, made the right "choices," and put on the exact same masks of pride, sympathy, solidarity, and mingled pain that they had put on when Kirk Douglas came out...
...Well, a lot of them...
...Kirk came out, obviously severely impaired by a stroke, and gave a halting but fine speech, while the stars in the front rows revved up their craft to look sympathetic, touched, yes, even moved, and also impressed and proud that one of their own had been so, well, brave...
...What did Reeves' script call for him to say...
...The house is a trifle in need of repair, but it sits on a lovely plot of land, has a huge indoor swimming pool, and a magnificent dock...
...But usually...
...How much does it cost to heat this BENJAMIN J. STEIN is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Hollywood and Malibu...
...A few minutes later, in what has to be one of the ethical low points of modern TV, Christopher Reeves was wheeled out, paralyzed, obviously deeply ill, barely able to breathe, alive only with a respirator, in a wheelchair in front of the titanic, Hitlerian stage set...
...But I make it up to the realtors with gifts of money...
...My boy," I said...
...Truth to tell, I do not like that lot...
...I really started to feel upset when the part with Steven Spielberg began, and he was introduced and described as "courageous...
...I called my agent and manager and asked them both to remind the powers that be of how human I make the stars look by my own wooden monotone...
...But I remember that feeling when I walked home...
...The director and producer liked you a lot, but they decided to offer it to Martin Mull and he wanted to do it...
...Today, I'd like one as a present...
...I would just walk along, singing...
...Why should he suffer because I'm having a bad year...
...This is not going to happen, I thought...
...Yes, but he's their pal and they wanted a big name," she said...
...It doesn't work the first ten times I try it...
...Now that I think of it, wasn't The Postman the sentimental favorite at the Oscars...
...Few writers will ever stand up to them, but Dorothy Rabinowitz does...
...But he just smiled because he did not hear me: he was listening to his Walkman with the batteries I had given him...
...I am on American Flight 75...
...In fact, the last, most-watched hour of the show was about calling up two severely impaired men and making them tools of agitprop...
...Why not try some of that, even if it's just for a few minutes for each nominee...
...Plus, it's interesting to see them make people up, set a stage, prepare a scary mask...
...If I am right in that one, all the others will work out fine...
...You pay for something full time that you only use part time...
...He wanted a remote control jeep...
...I'm a bit subdued because I'm reading...
...He was loaded for bear...
...But that's standard for the Oscars...
...She is the only national writer who stands up to the child sex-abuse nutcases who claim vast made-up conspiracies involving witches and knives and underground tunnels...
...I know I should and yet I don't...
...But really, really devastated...
...Maybe so," he said...
...I love Martin Mull...
...The most important form of arithmetic...
...It had a whole raft of rooms upstairs where Tommy could have his friends...
...Ugggh...
...Like most other Americans, I was amused and bored by the long, comically swishy production numbers...
...He has a killer everything, as far as I can tell...
...Next, the beefy man in front of me started bugging me to "borrow" some AA batteries, as if he would use them and return them...
...First, my seat has a little tiny TV on the arm rest...
...Douglas's wife sobbing as she watched...
...Video games...
...Then I went off to teach in Iowa for six months and Mom waited for me and then we got married...
...I'm not there because it's not until 5:15," I said...
...It insults men and women who are really courageous to call Hollywood powers "courageous...
...I like him a lot...
...All I could think of was some poor brave Stakhanovite from the Donetsk Basin working until his back broke, and then, with his final breath, shouting "Za Stalina...
...Maybe at their homes...
...Name: (Please Print) Address: City: State: Zip: Date of change: L VCAFRM 44 I am a past master at bringing out the best in the big stars...
...Martha, my wife's sickly, ailing Weimaraner, ate a box of crayons and a rubber ball...
...I felt terribly sad...
...Then I had lunch at the Commissary...
...To hear him at eight reminiscing about the good times he had with his Dad—while I'm still alive—is bliss...
...my agent asked in a distressed tone...
...Walking on air...
...Because most of the boys were Episcopalian, the usual prayer went like this: "For the gifts we are about to receive, 0 Lord, please make us truly grateful...
...Still, it's a dream house...
...I'm not sick," he said...
...My relationship with God is the only relationship that matters...
...When it does work, it works so poorly that I can't hear the sound...
...But why drag out that hoary chestnut about the blacklist...
...It winds up costing you a fortune every night you're there (and even more every night you're not there...
...A real treasure...
...You're driving me crazy," I said to him...
...1 54 June 1996 • The American Spectator...
...Cheap perfume on a plane flight is like nerve gas...
...he asked...
...I was still in shock from my ego drubbing from Mr...
...Douglas, always one of my favorite actors, was called talented and hard working, which is fair, but then the introducer noted that Douglas had also "helped to shatter the blacklist...
...To this island comes the famous Chilean poet Pablo Neruda, who has been exiled from Chile for being a Communist...
...I'd like to do a show about real problems," I said...
...I am so excited...
...It has dense forest and houses with long driveways...
...You're right...
...I guess this bears some thought...
...Tommy crashed his bike into the man's car, but the man had stopped...
...Often, they have serious psychiatric histories—the accusers, never the accused...
...He remembered quite cheerfully—although interestingly enough, he remembered that I was pitching him a script, which was not quite how it was...
...Wow, is she a great writer...
...He's a genius of comedy, but I don't really think he's a name like John Travolta...
...It's really funny, but day after day, I buy new toys for my son...
...But I still felt really sad...
...Friday I'm up in Sandpoint at the Panida Theater, a restored old gem from the beginnings of the century...
...He's 73...
...Are you sick, my boy...
...A thin, well-dressed fellow came up to me...
...Strangelove...
...I call him and his comrades in arms "courageous...
...When I go home to New Hampshire, I'm the best looking man in the state.' 77 "Most of the toys I get are for being good, right...
...Safe Landing makes me think of it, and that's worth something...
...Computer...
...At the break, I went to the phone and got my messages...
...Barely alive, Reeves could still be heard talking about how great Hollywood's one-party political views are and always have been...
...That night, I watched the Oscars by myself...
...Here are a few suggestions: Have some glimpse into how movies are made...
...I called my answering machine...
...I've memorized my lines and practiced over and over again...
...But I guess a lot of them still wake up feeling bad about their lives," I said...
...Then it's the same with me...
...I moved to another seat...
...I get a great life in America, a wonderful boy, a devoted, loving family, interesting work, no bad diseases, superior friends, attentive readers —and all I can think of is one little missed commercial...
...Interview some of the makeup artists, the gaffers, the special effects folks...
...I associate it with many failed deals and wasted time...
...They moved away...
...Then they go back and stop here in the spring...
...On the way back, we bought dinner at a chain restaurant called Marie Callender's in Oxnard...
...They have non-conventional things to say...
...Yes," she said...
...That was a cold place...
...This one was where the flight attendants were having a mini-convention, discussing boyfriends, showing scarves...
...Then bangbang-bang again...
...I met him a decade ago at a dinner honoring Milton Friedman...
...The film is set in a region of France called La Sologne: flat, marshy, heavily forested, lovely...
...And it always has been...
...You're all Mommy and I live for...
...But let's face it...
...They hook up with unqualified, low-IQ, low-MQ (morality quotient) prosecutors and spineless judges, and wreak 52 June 1996 • The American Spectator evil...
...They are not in the Hollywood monolith...
...When I got home, I slept for a while —also a vital tool for serenity —in in fact, a sacrament...
...At least I think so...
...I walked all through the house thinking how much I would like to own it...
...My favorite was the blue, but I also really enjoyed the green and the red," he said...
...In all sincerity, this boy right now, today, could get through law school...
...The food was pretty good, and the room was delightfully deserted...
...But no...
...Then I can't see the picture because the screen is so small...
...I kissed my boy on the forehead as he was falling asleep...
...My father said, "You know, when your mother and I first started seeing each other in Chicago in 1936, she used to make me dinner in her apartment...
...I hadn't thought about it for a long time, but today it's on my mind...
...He has fine taste in books, including a lovely Larousse French dictionary—or maybe it's an encyclopedia...
...I feel as if getting rid of that fat is essential to being a happy man...
...Maybe I will get it...
...But every day, he asks me for more...
...In the movie, a boy gets lost in a forest and comes upon a strange small child's party set in the old manor house...
...asked little Descartes...
...I asked him to be quiet, and he did for a few minutes...
...Then one came back with a huge bottle of some vile smelling perfume, doused it on herself right next to me, and put me into an asthmatic fit...
...The best Hollywood stuff ever done was by Ed Murrow in his "Person to Person series...
...I'm trying to read...
...Nine fifteen, not 5:15...
...I have no right to complain...
...I called her back...
...We didn't eat there so as to save money, although that was usually a concern...
...He was a career Army officer...
...Is he...
...Let's get into them and have people who are really famous and alsonot so famous talk about how they deal with feeling that way...
...He turned out to be a very smart fellow with the likely name of Tom Campbell...
...That is rare...
...Could a movie be made where the nebbish postal worker becomes a robust stormtrooper and gets killed by the Jews...
...They come by here from Canada in the fall," said our real estate agent...
...If kids only had a clue how vital they are to their parents, they would be a lot more cautious...
...He goes to a religious school, so he is allowed to thank God for his blessings, and he does...
...A house you occupy part-time is just a foolish way to spend money...
...But, oh how I wished it would...
...Chemistry sets...
...Rothman spat out a comprehensive résumé: co-star of a movie about a paranoid played by Sigourney Weaver, co-star of a long running Broadway play written by "Woody...
...We looked first down a beautiful long rural avenue called Bailey's Neck...
...Neruda comes back to meet the deceased postal worker's little son, named after Neruda...
...It was a lengthy tribute to Hollywood's social conscience — fighting for the union (shots of Norma Rae), for integration (shots of black people in movies), fighting against mistreatment of homo44 I started to feel upset when the part with Steven Spielberg began, and he was introduced and described as 'courageous.' 1 sexuals (shots of Philadelphia), fighting against nuclear war (shots of Dr...
...Be very careful...
...Interviews getgood numbers on "6o Minutes...
...My parents were exhausted from their trip, so I sat alone, stupefied and angry...
...He has a killer vocabulary...
...Scribble, scribble, scribble...
...Teach...
...Martin Mull is ten times funnier than I am, but I am ten times more right for this one part...
...I am a fairly stupid person most of the time and tragically stupid all too often...
...Morris, IL 61054-8084 1-800-524-3469 ATTACH ADDRESS LABEL HERE IMPORTANT: Allow six weeks for address change...
...There's such a thing as being too smart," I said, because he had stumped me there...
...Indeed, I do," I said...
...Again, it's maddening, and it's embarrassing...
...In the inlet, several power boats rode at docks...
...But I do the exact same thing...
...my father asked the helpful realtor...
...After looking at other, less powerful houses, we had dinner and drove home...
...Tuesday Back to glorious L.A., Center of the Oscar Universe...
...A waste of my good time...
...My mother was in the back seat snoozing, or maybe just thinking...
...Maybe not most, but a lot...
...It turned out to be a perfect day after all...
...All the shows on TV ignore real problems of fear and self-loathing...
...he asked...
...But you have so many toys," I said...
...My mother looked at the floors and the ceilings...
...Frustration piled on frustration...
...Tommy refused to eat Thai food for Passover...
...Crandall, take note...
...I am not kidding...
...However, that's it...
...Better to give the money to charity...
...The boy has an enchanted evening and can never find the house again...
...Isn't it ever enough...
...Like a talking high-speed printer, Mr...
...Box 655, Mt...
...It's 9:15...
...I read my lines—fairly well, I thought—but I did not have a good feeling as I left...
...Uh-oh...
...He only would eat McDonald's...
...I would be so happy to see her when I got to Chicago...
...We would spend the evening talking, and then I would walk home along Blackstone Avenue and I just felt as if no one had ever been as happy as that in my whole life before...
...It was for a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, a great actor and a great guy altogether...
...I had little to say after that, so I headed over to Beverly Hills for an audition on the Fox lot...
...Will I get it...
...Za Stalina...
...Persistence is not the same as courage...
...I could barely catch my breath for about a half hour...
...1. Please write your new address in the space provided...
...Usually, it's earnings, not a gift...
...Little boys are not meant to compete with cars...
...Maybe I do really have a chance...
...Not only that, it's just idle self-praise...
...There is no such thing as an impossible problem if you really turn it over to God...
...Even my sensible parents were obviously moved by the place...
...He wasn't watching where he was going, and a car almost hit him...
...This is like being born again...
...I always say, "How can you be so ungrateful with all I give you...
...That night, we were supposed to have a festive holiday dinner...
...He won the Silver Star for fighting hand-to-hand against the SS in Germany in 1945 when he was 25...
...I sat in heavy traffic on the Pacific Coast Highway...
...TAS Address Changes Made Easy...
...Neruda helps the mailman write poetry to win the love of the town's flirty little bartendress...
...Steven Spielberg is obviously very tal50 June 1996 • The American Spectator ented, persistent, imaginative, and capable in many ways...
...But when I go home to New Hampshire, I'm the best-looking man in the state and no one thinks I'm fat and they all think that anyone with a life like mine has nothing to complain about...
...I felt so light, so happy...
...Soon, two friends from the Army came over...
...Maybe that's why they're watching TV...
...What are you doing these days...
...Real salvation means accepting everything, not just what you feel like accepting...
...I am watching it and my blood is boiling, for a simple reason...
...If you prefer that your name not be rented please check here...
...Hi," he said, "do you remember me...
...The owner is apparently an heir of some kind who lives mostly in Georgetown...
...The Christian Democrats are thugs and killers...
...I am more secure in my surrender to God than any emperor is in his fortress...
...Also, why not have some interviews with the nominees, however brief, for best writer, say, or best director or best actress...
...Anyway, I parked illegally and went in for my audition...
...I haven't really gotten that many toys as presents...
...Actually, sometimes, yes...
...With all due respect, I assure them it's real...
...As I did, I read Dorothy Rabinowitz about kooks and conspiracies...
...It's a lot like a house I once saw in a movie called The Wanderer, based on an incredibly successful French novel, Le Grand Meaulnes, the French equivalent of Catcher In the Rye...
...Maybe I will get it so I can make Arnold look better...
...But I am not sure what he has done that puts him in the category I would call "courageous...
...Then I earned them, right...
...You're disturbing me with your talking...
...3. Return this form to us at the address listed below...
...While we waited for Martha's diagnosis, we ate a quick meal in a nearby Thai restaurant...
...Maybe the people who watch TV don't want to face reality...
...I fumed through the day...
...Perfect...
...I'm on my merry way to a callback for that Schwarzenegger movie...
...It would change my life and put me back on track...
...I can't do it justice, but let me say it's about missing the past and about missing the perfect moments of childhood...
...Because Hollywood is among the most pampered universes on earth...
...No," she said in a thick nasal voice caused by a bad cold...
...But it's a clear piece of Communist agitprop, intentionally or not...
...The casting people liked me enough to call me back to read for the producer, Chris Columbus, and the director, Bryan Levant...
...But, but, but," I sputtered...
...So off we went on foot to a McDonald's...
...That was fun, Daddy...
...You're very quiet...
...That's all there is to it...
...So...
...On behalf of Hollywood I felt sick, and I'll try to tell you why...
...2. Attach the mailing label from your most recent issue...
...Maybe try a show that is not aimed at sickening the audience by overdosing them with saccharine...
...I connect it with people I used to know long ago who are now super famous and would not give me the time of day...
...I reminded Chris Columbus that I had once sought to hire him to write a script, long ago before he was a zillionaire superstar writerdirector-producer...
...It so happened that earlier in the day, while waiting for our dinner at the Tidewater Inn, I had been on the phone with my father-in-law in a small town in north Arkansas...
...Spielberg talked about him...
...They are probably the lowest, vilest human beings in America, these little Berias in North Carolina and Washington and Massachusetts...
...I just want you to know that Tommy was very careless riding his bike this afternoon," she said...
...Please," I said...
...You lose the foregone interest on the down payment...
...This is a nice flight, a well broken-in, commuter's flight back and forth from LAX to Dulles...
...I hate to have my time wasted, so I don't like to waste their time...
...Someone tell me this: Could a movie possibly be made where the hero was a poet who praised Hitler and Nazism...
...It's just not right for you to get so many gifts for no special occasion...
...I'm John Rothman...
...This is not right...
...All right, little Justice Holmes, " I said...
...Still, I was glad he remembered me at all...
...I used to take the train to see her from Iowa...
...Daddy," Tommy said, "remember how we used to go there and get Slurpees...
...I didn't buy my ticket to be tortured by stewardesses...
...So to make itself feel noble and brave, it regurgitates tales of one brief period when a very few of its players were not treated as above the law the way they should have been...
...I' m sorry...
...Is it not possible to have a radical restructuring of the evening...
...Ah, yes," I said, recognizing him as the fellow who played me as a young Wall Street Journal writer in the movie based on my best book, 'Ludes...
...We ate there just to be alone with each other...
...AihericanSpeciator Subscriber Service P.O...
...But even on this great flight, I am suffering the usual slings and arrows of the air traveler's fate...
...What are you doing...
...I am also a fool, so I "lent" them to him...
...The American Spectator • June 1996 53 r His will be done, I thought over and over...
...Why...
...Elegance in a daily...
...In a way," I agreed...
...So I missed that for no good reason except that I could not hear properly because my agent—a saint—had a rare cold...
...I will modestly agree to be the host...
...Please," I said...
...In admiration of Neruda, the mailman becomes a Communist and—after getting married to the beautiful serving wench — is killed by Christian Democrats at a rally...
...Thursday 0 ff to Los Feliz to pitch a talk show with an executive of ABC...
...Why aren't you at your commercial...
...It would be great if it were not for the repairs...
...This movie has a crafty script (though you might as well watch paint dry...
...First, I woke up happy because I had a commercial...
...Show some real work on the set...
...You got it...
...The casting woman politely followed me to the waiting corridor and told me I had done a good job...
...Nerf guns...
...Tom scratched his stomach...
...It was only because the driver was so careful that Tommy wasn't killed...
...God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it .. . In my battered Acura, I ventured forth to the studio and parked illegally, once again, and awaited my turn...
...I earn them...
...Anyway, I read my lines, but I had a weird vibe about it...
...Friday A H 11 my love ,/ All my kissin',/ You don't know what you been missin',/ Oh, boy...
...Of course he could not hear his laptop either...
Vol. 29 • June 1996 • No. 6
